dalin
10-10-2008, 01:58 PM
Our Freedom, our responsibility.
(aka: Amends through Service)
I first came to NA following my last attempted suicide in March of 1986. I got here because of someone’s PR work and had been referred to the N.A. Help-Line in the city where I lived.
I still remember that first meeting and how I felt in coming there. Frightened, and too proud to admit it! I also remember the readings because while skeptical, I was very observant and attentive. My mind racing a million miles a minute, I heard what was being read and although I had no way of comprehending what it all really meant or involved, I heard.
• “Who is an addict?” – Yes, I suppose I am
• What is NA? – Yes yes well that’s nice and sounds like a good thing to have.
• Why are we here? – Yeah well, It would appear that such is why I came.
• How it Works and the Twelve Steps? Yes, Ok, I’ve heard of those and I can do that – not a problem!
• The Twelve Traditions? (****, here we go again; more rules) – But wait, what is this. “Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern” and “The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using”? Well, if that’s the case that means that nobody is “boss” and “nobody can throw me out” less they have rules about qualifying my desire. Ok, I’ll come back and check this NA thing again.
Check it out I did and by the grace of the God of my understanding, I have been abstinent since May 25th 1986.
For several years, I did everything I could to be part of the solution. Sponsorship, Service, practicing the fundamental principles to the best of my ability! The recovery process was in effect in every area of my life.
After about year eleven, I felt our Fellowship was confronted with grave danger. It had been progressive. In fact, the problem or situation had been there all along.
I have always viewed Service as a privilege more than a right and when I would see other’s in service governing, stealing, lying, being violent and intimidating, it saddened and scared me to see that I would not be seconded in requesting that these individuals would not be impeached and exposed for their unacceptable behavior in service. Unresolved feelings of anger and betrayal… lack of faith in our spiritual principles pushed me away from our Fellowship. Our local Fellowship was young and inexperienced and I had long since been viewed as an old timer – Keep in mind that NA was but 2 ½ - 3 months old in my area when I came in. – but I digress.
What could I do and where could I go for support and recovery? I no longer trusted the integrity of my sponsor… I was alone (or at least, it felt that way) and angry. I felt betrayed by our Fellowship. I believed and trusted in our program but felt alone when it came to practicing our Principles
I will interject paraphrasing from a movie called “Six days and seven night’s” with Harrison Ford and Anne Heche in which Harrison’s character tells Anne’s “ Honey, this is an Island. People come here looking for romance and adventure. If you don’t bring it here, you won’t find it here”
Well NA is pretty much like that as well.
We have all we need to learn how to live and get along in NA.
It took me a few more years of isolation and of being ostracized before I returned. I was however blessed in the interim with a few recovering addicts checking in on me from time to time and relapse was avoided by chance an only because I still refused to hang around people who were using. But, then, haunted with suicidal obsessions, I knew it was high time I returned as I was no longer prepared to leave my suicide as my legacy to my children.
So come back I did, filled with resentments yet desperate for fellowship and recovery. My first meeting back brought me face to face with another whom I had served in years past who had recently returned following a relapse. Her advice to me then, was the same as it always is, “get involved and keep coming back” I none the less, felt understood with my resentments – (she has since left us again).
Gradually, I began to feel a part of a group and got increasingly involved in group service.
Eventually, I knew I needed to re-connect with a sponsor but, who was “qualified” to sponsor me? There was one in my group that seemed to demonstrate integrity of sponsorship. I knew him from before and although he was a loud mouth like me, he did seem to reflect self acceptance and integrity when it came to practicing the Twelve Steps. When he would say stupidities, as we all sometimes do, I would be quick to correct him and he would laugh. – I suppose he could have sponsored me much sooner had he said far less stupidities. – I have long been a proponent of the notion that states “It is preferable to read our literature that to suffer the consequences / advice of those who don’t” – I am still amazed by the number that don’t!
Sponsorship and deliberate Step work ensued as did expanding my service efforts to those of GSR and although I was able to garner respect and consideration for my experience at the group level, confronted with Area service work was another matter altogether and the struggle with ignorance grew. Tradition violations were nearly constant and the God of my understanding was nowhere to be found, at least, not by me. People elected to function as “trusted servants” were justifying their governance and spent hours upon hours debating controversy and adopting bylaws contravening our Guidelines. Reason was nowhere to be found and group opinion certainly did not favor my participation or “opinions”- even though I maintained it was my experience and that it was supported by our literature.
I would call my sponsor and his suggestions were; that since I was not ready to serve at the area level, I would best serve at the Regional or World level. I still recall the despair I felt when he told me “I will go serve at the world level when I have the money to pay for my own trip out to California”. What?? – It was obvious to me that he himself did not understand our Traditions.
Once more, I felt alone and in despair. What could I do? Where could I go? How could I live and be of service? – My then sponsor had however suggested I could be of service in translating our literature. (I fellowship in a French speaking community and have often recognized the discrepancy in the quality and availability of recovery literature between what is available in English compared to French).
“Personal recovery – Steps - depends on NA Unity - Traditions” – Non negotiable Traditions! But where would I find this “atmosphere of recovery”? – It’s like an island honey, If I don’t bring it here, I won’t find it here! –
“Ask and you shall find!” I came across the name of someone who has been credited with writing much of our recovery literature and I called him to share and express my situation. I desperately needed help and from all I had read, he aught to be capable of understanding my dilemma – if he didn’t, I was hopeless.
His experience strength and hope has saved my life. I still remember the first time he told me “If you believe that this program works, then you aught to know that we’ve already won” – I no longer felt alone!
I am still of service and although most others involved in our service structure have no idea what it is I do as I am more and more “out of sight”, they still see me in our meeting rooms.
My service efforts are designed to carry the message to others by way of the material I translate and the dividends I get from hearing others speak of spiritual principles such as trust between addict to addict, courage to try, hope, faith… anonymity, fills me with gratitude.
I have seen far too many addicts leave and die because of our failure to understand and apply our Twelve Traditions, designed to create an atmosphere of recovery in which the still suffering addict may trust, feel safe and try to recover.
Service? Yes – always! Trusted servants? God grant me the ability to provide my trusted servant with direction so that he/she be kept safe and need not govern away my Freedom. That is my responsibility.
Hugs
ILS
Boe
(aka: Amends through Service)
I first came to NA following my last attempted suicide in March of 1986. I got here because of someone’s PR work and had been referred to the N.A. Help-Line in the city where I lived.
I still remember that first meeting and how I felt in coming there. Frightened, and too proud to admit it! I also remember the readings because while skeptical, I was very observant and attentive. My mind racing a million miles a minute, I heard what was being read and although I had no way of comprehending what it all really meant or involved, I heard.
• “Who is an addict?” – Yes, I suppose I am
• What is NA? – Yes yes well that’s nice and sounds like a good thing to have.
• Why are we here? – Yeah well, It would appear that such is why I came.
• How it Works and the Twelve Steps? Yes, Ok, I’ve heard of those and I can do that – not a problem!
• The Twelve Traditions? (****, here we go again; more rules) – But wait, what is this. “Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern” and “The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using”? Well, if that’s the case that means that nobody is “boss” and “nobody can throw me out” less they have rules about qualifying my desire. Ok, I’ll come back and check this NA thing again.
Check it out I did and by the grace of the God of my understanding, I have been abstinent since May 25th 1986.
For several years, I did everything I could to be part of the solution. Sponsorship, Service, practicing the fundamental principles to the best of my ability! The recovery process was in effect in every area of my life.
After about year eleven, I felt our Fellowship was confronted with grave danger. It had been progressive. In fact, the problem or situation had been there all along.
I have always viewed Service as a privilege more than a right and when I would see other’s in service governing, stealing, lying, being violent and intimidating, it saddened and scared me to see that I would not be seconded in requesting that these individuals would not be impeached and exposed for their unacceptable behavior in service. Unresolved feelings of anger and betrayal… lack of faith in our spiritual principles pushed me away from our Fellowship. Our local Fellowship was young and inexperienced and I had long since been viewed as an old timer – Keep in mind that NA was but 2 ½ - 3 months old in my area when I came in. – but I digress.
What could I do and where could I go for support and recovery? I no longer trusted the integrity of my sponsor… I was alone (or at least, it felt that way) and angry. I felt betrayed by our Fellowship. I believed and trusted in our program but felt alone when it came to practicing our Principles
I will interject paraphrasing from a movie called “Six days and seven night’s” with Harrison Ford and Anne Heche in which Harrison’s character tells Anne’s “ Honey, this is an Island. People come here looking for romance and adventure. If you don’t bring it here, you won’t find it here”
Well NA is pretty much like that as well.
We have all we need to learn how to live and get along in NA.
It took me a few more years of isolation and of being ostracized before I returned. I was however blessed in the interim with a few recovering addicts checking in on me from time to time and relapse was avoided by chance an only because I still refused to hang around people who were using. But, then, haunted with suicidal obsessions, I knew it was high time I returned as I was no longer prepared to leave my suicide as my legacy to my children.
So come back I did, filled with resentments yet desperate for fellowship and recovery. My first meeting back brought me face to face with another whom I had served in years past who had recently returned following a relapse. Her advice to me then, was the same as it always is, “get involved and keep coming back” I none the less, felt understood with my resentments – (she has since left us again).
Gradually, I began to feel a part of a group and got increasingly involved in group service.
Eventually, I knew I needed to re-connect with a sponsor but, who was “qualified” to sponsor me? There was one in my group that seemed to demonstrate integrity of sponsorship. I knew him from before and although he was a loud mouth like me, he did seem to reflect self acceptance and integrity when it came to practicing the Twelve Steps. When he would say stupidities, as we all sometimes do, I would be quick to correct him and he would laugh. – I suppose he could have sponsored me much sooner had he said far less stupidities. – I have long been a proponent of the notion that states “It is preferable to read our literature that to suffer the consequences / advice of those who don’t” – I am still amazed by the number that don’t!
Sponsorship and deliberate Step work ensued as did expanding my service efforts to those of GSR and although I was able to garner respect and consideration for my experience at the group level, confronted with Area service work was another matter altogether and the struggle with ignorance grew. Tradition violations were nearly constant and the God of my understanding was nowhere to be found, at least, not by me. People elected to function as “trusted servants” were justifying their governance and spent hours upon hours debating controversy and adopting bylaws contravening our Guidelines. Reason was nowhere to be found and group opinion certainly did not favor my participation or “opinions”- even though I maintained it was my experience and that it was supported by our literature.
I would call my sponsor and his suggestions were; that since I was not ready to serve at the area level, I would best serve at the Regional or World level. I still recall the despair I felt when he told me “I will go serve at the world level when I have the money to pay for my own trip out to California”. What?? – It was obvious to me that he himself did not understand our Traditions.
Once more, I felt alone and in despair. What could I do? Where could I go? How could I live and be of service? – My then sponsor had however suggested I could be of service in translating our literature. (I fellowship in a French speaking community and have often recognized the discrepancy in the quality and availability of recovery literature between what is available in English compared to French).
“Personal recovery – Steps - depends on NA Unity - Traditions” – Non negotiable Traditions! But where would I find this “atmosphere of recovery”? – It’s like an island honey, If I don’t bring it here, I won’t find it here! –
“Ask and you shall find!” I came across the name of someone who has been credited with writing much of our recovery literature and I called him to share and express my situation. I desperately needed help and from all I had read, he aught to be capable of understanding my dilemma – if he didn’t, I was hopeless.
His experience strength and hope has saved my life. I still remember the first time he told me “If you believe that this program works, then you aught to know that we’ve already won” – I no longer felt alone!
I am still of service and although most others involved in our service structure have no idea what it is I do as I am more and more “out of sight”, they still see me in our meeting rooms.
My service efforts are designed to carry the message to others by way of the material I translate and the dividends I get from hearing others speak of spiritual principles such as trust between addict to addict, courage to try, hope, faith… anonymity, fills me with gratitude.
I have seen far too many addicts leave and die because of our failure to understand and apply our Twelve Traditions, designed to create an atmosphere of recovery in which the still suffering addict may trust, feel safe and try to recover.
Service? Yes – always! Trusted servants? God grant me the ability to provide my trusted servant with direction so that he/she be kept safe and need not govern away my Freedom. That is my responsibility.
Hugs
ILS
Boe