12 steps

[BIG AL]

i was looking some of the ask mike posts and i came across the 7 step mehod for gettin sober or breakin u habit.i wanted to know what u thought about this,and it seems like there is a lack of the mention of 12 steps in you colum here.alot of things that we did when we were drinkking that seemed to not be as effective as working with sponsor on 12 steps.in my opinion its some of these easier softer ways are what are killin alcholics and addicts.the treatment for the real alcholic the book says is the 12 steps of AA.what u think budddy.:idea:

[alcoholrehabcoach]

i was looking some of the ask mike posts and i came across the 7 step mehod for gettin sober or breakin u habit.i wanted to know what u thought about this,and it seems like there is a lack of the mention of 12 steps in you colum here.alot of things that we did when we were drinkking that seemed to not be as effective as working with sponsor on 12 steps.in my opinion its some of these easier softer ways are what are killin alcholics and addicts.the treatment for the real alcholic the book says is the 12 steps of AA.what u think budddy.:idea:

Big Al,

Thank you very much for your post. You bring up an important question.

The short answer is "there is more than one way to skin a cat." However, I understand that explanation doesn't go very far towards giving people the certainty they need when dealing with an addiction.

I can hear your compassion for people in your writing. And, I agree that many "easier, softer ways" are killing people. However, speaking ONLY for myself, I know that the questions I had to ask myself along MY road to recovery, were some of the most difficult things I've ever faced in my life. And, I would be the first to admit those questions certainly led to an unusual point of view. Regardless of how they were developed, the methods I use can be administered either simultaneously, or independently of A.A.'s 12 Step Program.

One of the very first principles I teach, and perhaps one of the most important, albeit difficult concepts to fully understand, is "There is always a choice." In truth, many people won't even consider that point of view, let alone embrace it. But that doesn't change my understanding of the fact that "There is always a choice."

My views are only a threat to people when they are unsure of their position. Just as their views are only a threat to me when I am unsure of mine. For the record, here is where I stand: I am all about helping people find sobriety in a way that works for them. And, I am all about helping people become more response-able for their own health, wealth and happiness.

Quite often, that means helping them see things from a completely new perspective, which usually means challenging their beliefs. And sometimes, those are not the easiest messages to deliver or receive. Especially when it seems to threaten the things we feel are working. I think part of my own mental flexibility came when a teacher once said to me:

"If you can't see God in all, then you can't see God at all."

Since then, rather than holding fast to the idea that I have found "THE" way, I simply say I have found "A" way. A way that works for me, and as it happens, has worked for many other people as well. As always, my view is that the truth doesn't need me to defend it. I have no attachment to being right or wrong. My sobriety is absolute and cannot be threatened. It can only be enhanced.

Would you like me to walk you through my 7 Step Program right here in this thread? That way we can assess the similarities and differences to the 12 Step Method together. No doubt this would be a valuable conversation that I would hope many other people would participate in, as well.

Thank you again, Big Al, for asking this really helpful question and for giving me an opportunity to share my point of view.

:smile:

Mike Highstead
Try the 7 Day Sobriety Challenge (http://www.highsteadalcoholtreatment.com/day-1-the-7-steps-to-improve/)

[BIG AL]

one more question if may do you profit off the 7 steps.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

one more question if may do you profit off the 7 steps.

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.

In this forum and others like it I volunteer my time. Although that occasionally attracts new business, it is not the reason that I do it. I also speak regularly at various shelters and institutions where the motivation and rewards are seldom monetary. On my websites, and in numerous articles I have written, I have made the 7 Steps and many other resources freely available for anyone who cares to use them.

Having said that, my time is extremely value to me. So in my private practice, I typically charge a lot of money for my services. How much I charge for private rehabilitation and treatment depends a lot on my clients' needs, budget and preferences. I also pay people a lot of money for referrals.

Would you still like me to walk you through the process or is that enough for now?

[BIG AL]

i think i would like u took walk me threw it when u get time

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Al,

I admire your will to learn and the flexibility you are showing. That will serve you well on your road to recovery. So now I am happy to walk you through an explanation of the 7 step method I developed to overcome my own drug, alcohol, sex, and gambling addictions. And let's include a review of AA's 12 steps along the way. As you observed, I haven't said much about them in this section so it's probably time I did.

AA's first 3 steps are:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.


This path begins with an acknowledgment of the problem. Step 1 is certainly an essential place to start otherwise we stay in la-la land.

In Step 2, A.A. then moves the alcoholic towards looking for something - some kind of Power - that is greater than our challenges, and that can help us find our way. Again, that makes a lot of sense. How can I deal with something effectively unless I have some reliable way of doing it?

And then in Step 3, we made a decision to turn our will over to this higher power. At which point, many of us react like "Whoa! Give up my free will! I don't know about THAT!" But nonetheless, it doesn't diminish the value of this statement, at least in my view.

That's because to me, I / We / You / It / Everything is all God anyway no matter what you call It (Life, Mother Nature, Universal Awareness, Cosmic Energy, The "Thinking Stuff of The Universe", Allah, Buddah, Jesus, Jehovah...whatever you want to call Him / Her / It) so it really doesn't matter what else I do or don't believe. Still, a pretty tough concept to grasp, let alone embrace without some hefty motivation.



In comparison, the 7 Step Method begins with the end in mind.

It makes no direct reference to whether we accept God into our lives or not. At this point it really doesn't matter if we believe in God, because it starts by giving people the certainty of being in control of SOMETHING in their lives, even if not their drinking. Yet.

This alone makes it more accessible to the many people who have lost their faith, or have no way of imagining a power greater than themselves, or have no intention of EVER believing in any kind of God.

For some people, it is very easy to believe in God. For me it wasn't. And being told I had to believe in God in order to recover, was like telling a moose to set a mouse trap for an ironing board. It just didn't make any sense to me.

For me back then, any for many people still, "YOU MUST BELIEVE IN GOD OTHERWISE YOU ARE DOOMED TO HELL!!!" sounds too **** preachy and irrelevant.

So I had to find some other way of dealing with my addictions, until I could find something reliable to believe in. The fact that this approach inevitably leads people to tap into "an understanding of a power" that works for them, is not something I typically say up front. The idea is to give doubters something to believe in, not shy away from.

So my first step was too simply say "Okay. I know what I don't want. I don't want to be a drunk. I don't want people telling me what to do. I don't want to keep on living with so much pain and I certainly don't want to die, and I don't want to be going to meetings all the time and co-miserating with other people in pain...I just want to get better and put this f**king thing behind me!"

My first step was to identify what I really wanted. And one of the first things that I wanted was simply the ability to control my behavior. For better or worse, I couldn't see anyway of doing that by admitting I was powerless over it, because even if it was true, then I certainly didn't want to feel or remain powerless for the rest of my life.

Once I knew what I wanted, then I began figuring out the process, and assessing my various options for getting what I wanted. That's a whole other chapter I have no time to get into at the moment, but the net result was I discovered many ways of helping myself and others figure out what they really want or need.

And now it's your turn, Al. For your courage in stepping up and not being afraid to say what's on your mind, we can now explore these steps together to give you some additional insight and support. I promise it won't take anything away from whatever certainty or value you are getting from AA. If you like, (Oh Devil! Oh Blasphemy!!) you can think of my 7 Steps as coming after AA's 12. Kind of like numbers 13 through 20, in which "We discovered we had nothing left to fear."

The 7 Steps to I.M.P.R.O.V.E.

STEP 1: Identify What You Really Want or Need

So for Al, and anyone else who cares to answer, you know what you don't want. You don't want to be a drunk! Now what exactly is it that you DO want?

Mike Highstead
www.HighsteadAlcoholTreatment.com/ (http://www.highsteadalcoholtreatment.com/)

[BIG AL]

I WANT TO BE HEALTHY, PROSPEROUS, AND HAPPY

[alcoholrehabcoach]

I WANT TO BE HEALTHY, PROSPEROUS, AND HAPPY

An excellent start!

Now let's look a little closer to be sure you are really clear about your target before we take another step...

How will you know when you are "Healthy, Prosperous, and Happy?" What will be your evidence that you are actually there?

I know it's a tough question Al, but until I answered it myself I knew I was just blowin' smoke! A guy once told me that "If you can't say it, then you can't have it!" so that's what I am now passing along to you.

The more clear and precise you are about what it is you want, the sooner you will have it.

So once again, how will you know when you are "Healthy, Prosperous and Happy"?

Let me know if you need any help figuring it out. As soon as we're in agreement about your actual targets, then we'll take another step forward in the direction of achieving them.


Mike

[BIG AL]

i need help, maybe i would know if bills were all paid and saving account great and relationships in life going smooth.a good relationship with god would help or a beter relationship with god i mean and no health problems or doctor visits

[alcoholrehabcoach]

i need help, maybe i would know if bills were all paid and saving account great and relationships in life going smooth.a good relationship with god would help or a beter relationship with god i mean and no health problems or doctor visits

Yes,

I understand it's not all that easy to come up with. Especially when you haven't had a lot of practice doing it.

So let's start small and work our way up. In each of those 3 areas, what is one simple milestone you might soon achieve, that will at least prove you are now moving in the right direction.

What is one simple thing you would now like to achieve for your:

A) Health
B) Prosperity
C) Happiness

[BIG AL]

for health i want to finish chemo wich i have 3 weeks left on 24 week treatment.for prosperiety i would like to find a better job or a promotion amd for happiness i would like to realease some og the anger i have built up

[alcoholrehabcoach]

for health i want to finish chemo wich i have 3 weeks left on 24 week treatment.for prosperiety i would like to find a better job or a promotion amd for happiness i would like to realease some og the anger i have built up

Great!

So now you are starting to look at some of the things you want in a way that is much more manageable Rather than simply wishing, waiting, wanting or hoping for things to start getting better, now you have some measurable things that you can begin working towards.

For example,

"Finishing 3 weeks of Chemo" is more specific than wanting "to be healthy"
"Finding a better job" is more specific than "wanting to be prosperous."
"Releasing some of ther anger" is more specific than "wanting to be happy."

Using a message board, there is only so much I can help you with. So let's start with just one of those things you want, and continue on with the & steps. Later on, you can take what you have learned and apply it to any other things you want for yourself as well.

I think happiness is the best place to start, because I know that "the better we feel about ourselves, the better we do for ourselves" and when we are happy within ourselves, we naturally attract better opportunities and get better results in most everything we do.

STEP 2 of The 7 Steps To I.M.P.R.O.V.E. - "Make It Essential"

So tell me Al,

What might your anger or unhappiness have to do with your drinking? Do you see any connection there?

[BIG AL]

i think th connections might be that when i was drinkking i had so many failures that made me bitter toward myself.like what wrong with me.and when drinkking i had a problen blamming others for my problems,beleiving everyone was out to hurt me.the poor me syndrome.yall just dont understand.i do agree whole heartedly that the better we feel about ourselves the less likly we are to try to kill ourselves with drugs and alchol.and as i moved more and more into my alcholism i began to lose some of my rational thinkking that carried over now that im sober that i need to change.one thing i am bitter about is were i am at 5yrs sober and should be further in life.unucomplishe goals that the drink took from me

[alcoholrehabcoach]

i think th connections might be that when i was drinkking i had so many failures that made me bitter toward myself...one thing i am bitter about is were i am at 5yrs sober and should be further in life.

Okay that's one way to look at it, and if I might add, it sounds to me like more of the same old pattern: "Poor, poor pitiful me."

Being bitter about where you are at is one perspective. Let's try another:

What's great about where you are at right now?

[BIG AL]

that hard becouse of the things going on with chemo and exwife and now my wife has surgery to remove mass on ovaries.but i work for valero and i can say the great thing is i have been collecting my salary for the 22 weeks i been out of work.and while its been a bad yr i have not taken a drink or a drug.also i am clear and was a rapid responder to chemo so im going to live.with a 95%succuess rate,and after 6 months clear i go down to less than 1% chance for relapse

[alcoholrehabcoach]

that hard becouse of the things going on with chemo and exwife and now my wife has surgery to remove mass on ovaries.but i work for valero and i can say the great thing is i have been collecting my salary for the 22 weeks i been out of work.and while its been a bad yr i have not taken a drink or a drug.also i am clear and was a rapid responder to chemo so im going to live.with a 95%succuess rate,and after 6 months clear i go down to less than 1% chance for relapse

Al that's wonderful.

Having never been through it myself, I can only imagine what chemo must be like. I've had family members die of cancer and just watching them go through chemo was really tough let alone actually doing it...

On this subject the one thing that always comes to mind is my grandmother's magnificent example. She lived with cancer for almost three decades, and through all kinds of pain and suffering she just kept on smiling, enjoying life, and being grateful for what she had.

The meaning she gave to cancer was "Can-surrender or Can-survive!"

Not sure what all you are going through, but I can tell you that whatever pain or bad feelings that you may have, it is all the more reason to learn how to manage your thoughts, feelings and behavior.

I'm so impressed that you have gone this long without drugs or drinking. Tell me. Over the last 5 years, what are some positive things that you have come to learn, know or believe about yourself, that has allowed you to consistently choose sobriety?

What are some good things within you that have made it possible for you to do that?

[BIG AL]

strong desire to not give up no matter what happens i made a decision not to drink.my relationship with god.the beleive that hard work pays of in the end.a positive attitude in bad times.and really important the ability to ask for help when needed or hurtting,being able to tell someone how i fell,becouse i was raised to keep how u feel secret.and tought that men dont cry.also the strong desire to work with others to give back what was freely givin to me.i love to see the sparkle come back in the eye of someone who is getting sober.and watch them grow,its a special thing i am blessed to be part of.im sure in your position u see it all the time

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Al,

Great job.

You have pointed out tons of great stuff that you have going for you.

So now I'm curious. Do you have any choice about what you decide to focus on?

[BIG AL]

i like to focus on workin with others.it makes me feel the best.is that what u mean

[alcoholrehabcoach]

My question is do you have any choice about what you focus on. Yes or no?

[BIG AL]

yes

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Right. Of course you do. We'll get back to that in a minute.

Meanwhile, we were talking about Step 2. "Make it Essential"

So tell me Al, what's so important to you about releasing some of your anger? What's your biggest or most compelling reasons for doing that?

[BIG AL]

becouse my anger makes me miserable,always thinkking of the stuff.running threw my mind.and it takes lots of energy.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

What are some specific things that your anger cost you in the past, what have you lost, or what have you missed out on because of it?

[BIG AL]

damaged relationships with wife and kids,cost me money,maybe has added to some of my health problems ive had like acid reflux.a drunken rage cost me my first marriage.i missed out on some more possibiliteis becouse of justifiable anger toward supervisor.(promotion).cost me physical pain punched wall and broke hand,and punched window out in car.i missed out on me and my kids and there mom being a family and ended up in divorce.i got mad at pastor at church and missed out on the ministry he was helpping me get going.i blew it.the list goes on.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Almost there. What is for sure to happen in the future if you don't let go of that anger now?

[BIG AL]

i will blow up again,or explode.usually resultting in me saying things i dont mean.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

And if you continue blowing up, how will it effect your health, prosperity, happiness, relationships, opportunities...what's going to happen over time the longer you stay angry? Where will you end up?

[BIG AL]

alone,sick,maybe jail

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Okay now let's recap you've just said. On the one hand, you can see the option of focusing on some good things, the things that make you feel better...

strong desire to not give up no matter what happens i made a decision not to drink.my relationship with god.the beleive that hard work pays of in the end.a positive attitude in bad times.and really important the ability to ask for help when needed or hurtting,being able to tell someone how i fell,becouse i was raised to keep how u feel secret.and tought that men dont cry.also the strong desire to work with others to give back what was freely givin to me.i love to see the sparkle come back in the eye of someone who is getting sober.and watch them grow,its a special thing i am blessed to be part of.


And on the other hand, you can see the option of focusing on some bad things. The things that make you feel bitter...

damaged relationships with wife and kids,cost me money,maybe has added to some of my health problems ive had like acid reflux.a drunken rage cost me my first marriage.i missed out on some more possibiliteis becouse of justifiable anger toward supervisor.(promotion).cost me physical pain punched wall and broke hand,and punched window out in car.i missed out on me and my kids and there mom being a family and ended up in divorce.i got mad at pastor at church and missed out on the ministry he was helpping me get going.i blew it.the list goes on.


So I'm really curious Al, and let me help you see this from another point of view, so that you can be curious about it too...

if you saw some other guy (definitely not you but just some other guy) who was clearly aware of the benefits of feeling happy, as well as the inevitable consequences of feeling angry, and yet you saw him constantly choosing the option of feeling angry...

What do you think a guy like that might be unconsciously trying to achieve or gain out of choosing to feel angry? What might he unconsciously be hoping it will get him?

[BIG AL]

control.or my way

[alcoholrehabcoach]

So for you, it sounds like there is some kind of connection between getting angry, and trying to get control or trying to get your way.

Dig deep and tell me your old beliefs about that.

Once upon a time, what did you believe about anger that had something to do with getting control or getting your way?

[BIG AL]

well i noticed this last yr alot of control comes from fear,usually about thing with my step sons and wife wich causes me to react when she does more for them than me.like maybe she is going to love them more and maybe they will try to turn her against me becouse i know they try use her.and one thing about me at times is im like a child who doesnt get his way i kick and scream and throw a tantrum to my wife gives in.some pride and ego tells me i am always right.heres a bad one.at times lots of times i think i am better than folks,and who are they to tell me anything becouse look at u.dont u know who i am.or could it just be that i am selfish and want everything my way and when it doesnt happen the way i think i get sore.and if i get mad enough and force my opinion on people i will gain control.and at times it works.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

well i noticed this last yr alot of control comes from fear,usually about thing with my step sons and wife wich causes me to react when she does more for them than me.like maybe she is going to love them more and maybe they will try to turn her against me becouse i know they try use her.and one thing about me at times is im like a child who doesnt get his way i kick and scream and throw a tantrum to my wife gives in.some pride and ego tells me i am always right.heres a bad one.at times lots of times i think i am better than folks,and who are they to tell me anything becouse look at u.dont u know who i am.or could it just be that i am selfish and want everything my way and when it doesnt happen the way i think i get sore.and if i get mad enough and force my opinion on people i will gain control.and at times it works.

Okay, so let's see if I'm hearing you correctly. Sometimes you believe:

1. I am like a child who doesn't get his way.

2. If I act like a child and kick and scream and throw a tantrum, I can make other people give in.

3. I am better than other people.

4. I know better than everyone else.

5. Whenever I don't get my way it is time to get angry.

6. When things don't happen the way I think it is time to get sore.

7. If I get mad and force my opinion on people then I will gain control.


Good job Al. You have shown a lot of strength in sharing those beliefs. Here's the next step:

For each of those 7 beliefs, write down a polar opposite statement. In other words, just go ahead and list seven opposite things you COULD believe, that might just serve you better.

[BIG AL]

1) i am not child i am a grown man
2)let people do there own thing and be happy with it
3)all men were created equal even me
4)people have good ideas and ther are smarter folks out there than me
5)things dont always have to go my way
6)when things dont go my way just move on and be happy
7)let prople do there own thing and trust that god will mork the rest out
i hope this is right havin trouble with this one

[alcoholrehabcoach]

What trouble are you having with it? What specifically?

[BIG AL]

is that right what i answered.did i answer correctly.u wanted the opposite of my negative belief sysytem right i think i did good

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Yes. That was excellent. You did a great job.

Let me explain why I had you do that and then you can judge for yourself how well you did, or if there is anything you want to change.

STEP 3 of The 7 STEPS TO I.M.P.R.O.V.E. - Pick and Choose Your Beliefs

There's a couple of things you need to know. First, our beliefs drive our behavior. And second, the only way to permanently change a behavior, is to change the underlying beleifs that have been supporting it.

At the root of every action, you have many beliefs about yourself and your environment. Some of those beliefs are good for you. Some, not so good. Now you must decide which are which. You must figure out how to strengthen the beliefs that support you, and drop the ones that no longer do you any good - no matter how much comfort they may have given you in the past!

For EVERY belief we have, positive or negative, we can ALWAYS think of some kind of opposite belief. For example, "look before you leap" and "he who hesitates is lost", or "I am an angry person" and "I am a happy person".

There is always a choice.

So now that you have a better understanding of Step 3, here's a bonus exercise. And doing this is totally optional. Why? Because like I just said, there is always a choice.

So if you're ready to play full out, then what I want you to do is go back and try that exercise again, while you are feeling really great. Here's what I mean:

First, think about some of those things you really want: Health, Prosperity, Happiness, Better relationships, think of all those things that are really important to you, and really associate to all the love and happiness and joy and AWESOME-NESS of having all those incredibly wonderful feelings that you want, imagine the feeling of having all those things in your life right this very moment.

How does that feel?

If you're not feeling it yet, then go ahead and just for practice, give yourself this gift of being extra flexible and feeling totally wonderful right this very moment. Go ahead and start thinking about all those things and feeling really great for no particular reason other than choosing to make yourself feel...

YUMMY!

MMMMMM!

YUMMYY!!!

YEAH DADDY! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!!!

Go ahead and feel DELICIOUS!!!

THAT'S IT SMILE! BIG HUGE HEAD SPLITTIN' GRIN!!!

Sure! That's the one! Go ahead and make yourself feel yummy! Once you are feeling completely yummy within yourself, take another look at each of those lame old outdated pitiful beliefs you used to have before, and then look at those 7 opposite beliefs you came up with in comparison, and now I want you to state 7 personal beliefs that will serve you even better, as you now start moving in the direction of getting the things you want more effectively than ever...

Call it:

7 GREAT THINGS TO BELIEVE THAT WILL ATTRACT EVEN MORE OF THE THINGS I WANT!


Mike Highstead
www.HighsteadAlcoholTreatment.com (http://www.HighsteadAlcoholTreatment.com)

[BIG AL]

i do feel happt right now about thinkking of havin all the thing i said earlier health,happiness,and prosreity.thinkking of how proud my wife is of her man,and we are gettin along great.kids finishin college.times are good.and i just bought brand new boat to replace the one i have now.maybe thinkkin of going to cozumel to go divin becouse work is great and money is there.boss is considering me for a promotion becouse i have been a great employee helpful,hardworking,and considerate of others.And today i caught a mess a fish out on the bay weather was perfect light winds and not to hot:D.my doc says health couldnt be better.(been spending some time at the gym):1:

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Outstanding!

And while you continue feeling great, what are some things you must now remember to believe or focus on in order to make your dreams come true?

What are some better things to believe about:

How Your Wife Feels:

How Your Kids Feel:

About Your Abilities:

About You ability to deal with things:

About Your needs being met:

About Yourself:

About Your Life:

Go for it Al! Tell me one great thing that you know in your heart is true in each of those areas.

[BIG AL]

wife is proud of me no matter what i do,kids are happy to have a great dad,i have the ability to do anything i set mt mind to,i can deal with things by focussin on the positive things in all situation,im a hard workers who will never give up in order to provide for myself and family,i am a hard workin good man who loves his family and is a good man blessed with lots of freinds,i have a great life wich allows me to take boat out twice a week and provide good things for family and i am a valued freind willin to help people out who need it.

[rwatkins1013]

Big Al,

I don't post here often and I don’t want to interrupt your discussion with Mike, but I wanted to let you know what an inspiration your story is for the rest of us. In reading your posts, it is like watching a tiny light that continues to brighten as it becomes this HUGE beacon for others to follow. You are doing great and I just wanted to acknowledge the effect your success is having on the rest of us…well for me anyway. Keep up the great work and Thank you.

Rwatkins1013 :29:

[annalittlebit]

Amen!!!!! I am really following this also and find it very enlightening and inspiring!!!!!!!!! Thanks Al & Mike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[alcoholrehabcoach]

:1:

Thanks everyone.

Ya ready Al?

Let's recap:

We've Identified some things you want.
We've Made it Essential by tuning in to your reasons.
We've Picked some healthier beliefs.

Now it's time for:


STEP 4 of The 7 Steps to I.M.P.R.O.V.E - Replace The Behavior

All your behavior is driven by your beliefs. Once you know how to choose between beliefs that serve you, and beliefs that enslave you, you are then free to make healthier decisions, and to behave in ways that are healthier for you all around. Remember, you can’t just erase a behavior, you have to replace it with something that meets your needs even more effectively than your old undesired habit.


So tell me Al, can you think of any behaviors that might be more effective in attracting health, prosperity or happiness into your life? Or do you still think its more effective to kick and scream and act like a child in order to get your way?

Whenever you get angry or start feeling out of control, what are 3 things you might now start practicing, that will undoubtedly serve you better?

Mike

[BIG AL]

1)remove myself from the situstion long enough to think about whats happennin
2)start to count to myself and remmmeber i can be wrong in ant situation.
3)take a deep breathe a try to listen to other person point of veiw

[alcoholrehabcoach]

If you do those things, do you believe they will give you a greater sense of control than your old behavior?

Why?

[BIG AL]

1)if i remove myself and take a little time to reveiw whats really happenin.It will give me time to think and settle down and realize if im right or wrong and if i even need to be angry about anything
2)countting to 100 may change my mind set,put my mind on something else atleast temperary to look at both veiws of what going and and possible see others point of veiw
3)taken a deape breathe and keepin mouth shut will allow me to listen instead of pushin my point of veiw on someone else to get my way

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Good.

Before we move on, here is something to remember:

When we pay attention to our feelings, we soon discover that our feelings are usually trying to tell us something.

So its very important to stop, take a breath, and give ourselves the chance to hear whatever it is that our feelings are trying to tell us.

For example, whenever I am feeling "angry", I know that the message of my anger, or in other words, what my anger is trying to tell me is:

"Hey! Listen up! You have an important rule or standard here, that either yourself or somebody else has violated!"

Like, when a kid runs out into the street, the mom gets angry because her rule is "You must never run out into the street!" or when a guy gets angry with somebody who insults him, he's got some kind of rule for why people shouldn't do that to him.

And once again, some of our rules are good, some, not so good.

One solution to anger is to realize that you may have misinterpreted the situation, you may not have clearly communicated your rules to the other person, and also to remeber that your rules are not necessarily the "right" ones. EVERYBODY has their own rules for how things should and shouldn't be.

Before going ballistic when some one makes you angry, some questions you can ask yourself are:

Is it true this person cares about me?
Have I really communicated what my rules are to this person?
Is there ANY chance I could be misinterpreting this?
What else could this mean?
How can I help this person understand why this is so important to me, so they'll be more aware of my rules in the future?


Now remember a time when you got angry, a time when you felt physically out of control, and then try replaying that scene over again in your mind, but this time seeing yourself first take a couple of long, slow deep breaths, and then asking yourself some of those questions I suggested.

Imagine an angry situation, then see yourself choosing a better response.

When you're done, write back and tell me how it felt, or anything that you learned.

Al you are doing AWESOME! Only a couple more steps to go.



Mike

[BIG AL]

mike ill get back to it tomorrow,had a couple of rough days with meds ty buddy

[annalittlebit]

Hey Al---Those Cancer meds can be tough---Hope You Feel Better Soon!!!!! :42:

[CleverCelt]

Thank you Mike

I've been sober awhile and thought I had this anger thing under CONTROL. Just because I wasn't showing anger in tense situations I thought I was Growing (up). What I have recently realized is that I have chosen not to deal with things that might create conflict. I have not been dealing with anger I have been deflecting it. It's the same feeling I get when I know I am avoiding a problem instead of solving it. This attitude has created some uncomfortable circumstances for me as you can imagine.

When I was young in recovery I enjoyed the dramatic changes and could truly feel myself growing and recovering. Today the changes are subtle that I have trouble appreciating them.

Your thoughts would be appreciated!

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Click here for Mike's response to CleverCelt (http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/showthread.php?t=19036)

[BIG AL]

ok i will use a situation that happened today started out bad with anger with wife.me and her had agreed that she wouldnt let her son use the car becouse he is irrisponsible.so i get up today and he has the car.ok if i would of step back taken a breathe and got the whole story.i would of realized that she let him take the car to take daoughter to doctor.but i didnt stop and listen juast went over the real story and heard what i wanted to do.i learned that i need to not shut down and be so closed minded about what people got going on.if i would of stopped and listened the argument would of ended there.and if i do take a breathe or remove myself from situation i can see whats really going on.i felt a little failure becouse i blew it today.but in the end i did talk to my wife told her my rules about whats bothering me and we ended up huggin and when i came back from a visit with a buddy and monday night football i had a dif mind set.so while in the mornin i blew it,in the end i did use the tools or suggesttion till later on in the day.my question is this a practice we continue to do and as we keep doing it it will become natural mike.i hope this is how i was suppose to do this step.let me know buddy.when i actually did some of the things we been going over i didnt feel the guilt and shame that comes from makin an ass out of yourself with mouth or pride.and i noticed when i took break nd went away for a while i had to opoligize.i imagined it difrent i wouldt have to oplogize any more becouse i didnt act out like jakk ass

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Outstanding.

Let's a have a closer look:

...if i do take a breathe or remove myself from situation i can see whats really going on.

Ahhh....Doesn't that feel GREAT! mmmmmmmmmm! Long, slow, deep breathing! Love it love it LOVE IT!!!



...i felt a little failure becouse i blew it today.but in the end i did talk to my wife told her my rules about whats bothering me and we ended up huggin and when i came back from a visit with a buddy and monday night football i had a dif mind set.if i do take a breathe or remove myself from situation i can see whats really going on.

Great! Do you remember Babe Ruth? The guy who held the world's record for most home runs? Did you know he also had the world record for being struck out the most number of times?

The fact is, all successful people fully understand that you must go through failure in order to succeed. Why? Because better results come from better judgment, and better judgment often comes after make poor decisions!

A kid puts his hand on a hot stove - Ow! Poor decision! Next time he knows not to do that!


...so while in the mornin i blew it,in the end i did use the tools or suggesttion later on in the day.

Sounds to me like a home run! Remember "Nothing has any meaning except the meaning you choose to give it". Be sure you keep holding your head high so you really start seeing that you are on the right track!

NOTHING HAS ANY MEANING EXCEPT THE MEANING YOU CHOOSE TO GIVE IT!



...my question is this a practice we continue to do and as we keep doing it it will become natural mike.

Yep. That's Step 5. We'll get to that in a minute.


i hope this is how i was suppose to do this step.let me know buddy.

In Step 4, all you had to do was replace the behavior just one single time. Even if you only imagined replacing the behavior in your mind! Give yourself full marks all around! 100% perfect!


when i actually did some of the things we been going over i didnt feel the guilt and shame that comes from makin an ass out of yourself with mouth or pride.and i noticed when i took break nd went away for a while i had to opoligize.i imagined it difrent i wouldt have to oplogize any more becouse i didnt act out like jakk ass


So how did that make you feel?


Mike Highstead
The Reason People Relapse (http://alcoholrehabilitations.com/2008/06/18/the-reason-people-relapse/)

[BIG AL]

it made me feel like i was in control and goo .one thing is ididnt have to say sorry soi felt great.but also didnt have the guilt and shame that goes along with anger when u go off.so i fely much better about self.felt like i accomplished somthing good.and after i practive tools i noticed i felt love when i talked to her not the anger an resentment that causes me to say the the things that bring on the hurt for both of us.and i do a better job of handleing things when im thinkin odothers than myself.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Excellent. Now you not only have a solid reference for how your new beliefs actually serve you better, you also have it in writing how your new behaviors - taking time to breathe, waiting to get the whole story, listening to the other person's point of view before you speak, and making sure you explain your rules to people - actually gives you more of the control that you desire.

Great job. You have now completed the first 4 steps of the process. The next step will take a little more time to complete, because now you're going to be intentionally training your brain, and that's a lot like training your body.


If you wanted to train your body, you wouldn't just go into a gym once and then think that you are done, right? Same thing with your brain...


The 7 STEPS To I.M.P.R.O.V.E. - STEP 5: Over and Over Again

The fact is, you can instantly change your behavior, but the real challenge is learning how to accept your own truth as being greater than the stories other people are selling you. Here, repetition is the key.

Over the years, your mind has been unconsciously programmed to serve others, now, you must consciously train it to serve yourself. You must exercise your own power of choice over and over again, constantly choosing the new behavior in a variety of situations. Gradually, you will re-condition yourself to prefer the healthier option.

This is the part that always takes time, but don’t get caught in the trap of perpetual recovery. The question to ask at this point is “How will you know when you have finally won the battle? How will you know when at last you have fully recovered, and there is nothing left to fear?”


Whatever actions you have chosen to replace the old behavior, you must now constantly repeat those actions until you know the job is done.


For the moment, never mind about "knowing when the job is done", or "knowing when you have finally won the battle". That takes a little more personal interaction than I can provide to you through writing. So let's start with some real easy targets for you to work on for the next 7 days.

Two questions:

1. With regards to reinforcing your new beliefs, and practicing these new behaviors, by next Tuesday (October 28th) what would you be really proud to have done or accomplished in your relationships with your loved ones?

2. What is one thing you will now commit to doing, a couple of times a day for the next 7 days at least, to help you remember, reinforce, strengthen, or condition these new behaviors?

Really impressed you are sticking with this Al. It's certainly not the easiest thing to do on your own without any personal contact. But we're almost there, and the next couple of steps are really going to ensure you have everything you need in order to go the distance.


Mike

[BIG AL]

1)I WOULD LIKE TO ESTABLISH A OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION WERE THERE IS OTHER OPINIONS I COULD CONSIDER THAN MY OWN
2)I AM COMMITTED TO HAVE AND OPEN MIND,LISTENNING,AND WAITTING TO REACT TO THINGS AFTER AND ONLY AFTER I HAVE THOUGHT THINGS OUT AND GONE OVER ALL THE OPTIONS INVOLVED.
BY THE WAY MIKE I HAD A SUCCESSFUL EPISODE WERE MY SON STORMED INTO HOUSE WHILE I WAS NAPPING BECOUSE SICK AND BANGED ON MY BEDROMM DOOR AND WOKE ME UP FOR A LITTLE REASON NOTHIN REALLY AND I HAD ALREADY TALKED TO HIM ABOUT WAKIN ME UP WHEN IM NAPPING IN DAY.SO INSTEAD I WAITED A COUPLE OF HOURS TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT AND IT WENT WELL NO ARGUMENT.:29:

[alcoholrehabcoach]

That's great Al.

Over the next 7 days, keep me posted on how well you are doing with those commitments. Meanwhile, without even knowing it, you have already started working Step 6.

The 7 Steps to I.M.P.R.O.V.E. - STEP 6. Validate Your Progress

"By this stage you are well on your way to transforming your beliefs and behavior. You have identified what you really want; you have acquired the necessary motivation to see it through; you have eliminated the unhealthy mental, physical, and emotional patterns that have been holding you back; you have replaced those unhealthy patterns with beliefs that serve you; and you have spent a period of time aligning your daily actions with your true values and objectives.

Now, the best thing you can do is constantly catch yourself doing things well. By focusing on the positive aspects of your progress, you not only validate your own judgment and self-worth, you invalidate the negative programming that had previously been oppressing you. As you focus more and more on the small but definite improvements you are making, you will quickly gain the momentum to break free entirely."


So to capture and reinforce your new awareness:

1. What did you previously believe you would gain by getting angry, and what are you really starting to see and understand about anger now?

2. What's really great about this new way you are behaving?


:smile:

[BIG AL]

i thought that by usin my anger would get thing my way.all anger usa negetive way (childish way) to force your way on people
i dont have to force opinion on people i can actually wait hour or 2 and get to a place were i can see all the issues involved.also by waittin i reacted dif not with some much anger with rage.wich doesnt leave me with guilt or shame over actions that make me feel like i blew it again.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Al,

Bravo! Sounds like a pretty significant breakthrough that should go along way towards helping you improve your behavior. Before I give you the final step, let's do a recap of the process

How to I.M.P.R.O.V.E. your behavior


Identify what you really want or need.

Make it essential

Pick & choose your beliefs

Replace the behavior

Over and over again

Validate your progress


And Finally...


Environmental Support

For improving your behavior, a supportive environment isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity. It is now imperative to catch yourself doing things well as often as possible. And to help reinforce your healthy new behavior, it’s also important to get the encouragement and support of others.

By creating a supportive environment, enlisting the help of other people who know what you are up against, and by surrounding yourself with happy, healthy people, you are far more likely to get where you want to go.

As you strive to become more confident within yourself, you must avoid people who want to commiserate, lay blame, make excuses, dwell upon the drama, and generally drag you down. Instead, surround yourself with people who encourage your success. Seek people who have the ability, not just the desire to help you get the results you want. Now you are free not only to choose your course of action, but to share what you have learned with others.

At this point there is no turning back. You have seen the truth of your own personal responsibility, and the power to create your fate.


--------------------------

So that's it Al.

These are the steps that I have used to help myself and many other people deal with unwanted thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

What's great about doing this final step here, is that it's obvious you already have tons of love and support from many people right here in this forum.

I hope that by going through this process with me you have increased your understanding that there are as many different ways of doing things in the world, as there are people who are doing them. That "My way" or even "Our way" isn't necessarily the only way, the best way, or even the right way of doing things all the time.

"My way" and "My rules" are nothing more than my current understanding of things that work for me. By "letting go and letting god", and as I "live and let live", as some folks like to put it, I have a lot less fear, anger, stress, doubt and insecurity in my life, and a lot less need to control everything around me.


Being secure within myself, and at peace with my understanding of who I am, I can more easily manage my thoughts, feelings, actions...and the meaning that I give to things.

Knowing that, the question I can ask myself is:

"What meaning can I give it, to take the actions that I must, to get the results that I desire."

Thanks again for your help, Al.


Your friend,

Mike Highstead
Alcohol Treatment Survey: Help me help you! (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=TM4LaRASUSWZwRwXYczL7Q_3d_3d)