4th step

[westswoman]

I'm in need of direction on working the fourth step. I've been using a work sheet that I was given at one time. Honestly I've been working this step for years and no doubt will work it for the rest of my life!! I've just recently put 100% into working this step and am committed to not quiting just because it's uncomfortable or painful!
I know the purpose of the life's list is to get to the bottom of why you resent or resented a particular person or thing in your life...get honest with yourself and acknowledge where you are at fault or come to a place where you can let the resentment go knowing you've done an honest inventory and can make no changes within your self to resolve the issue. If there is still some uncertainty then maybe come back to that particular resentment at another point in your walk in recovery.
I tend to be very hard on myself and accept responsibility and blame for many things in my life. While working the 4th step I'm finding that I've accepted blame for things that I had no business accepting. I suppose this is where my co-dependency kicks in!!! I'm learning to be kinder to myself but at the same time I'm afraid to be too easy on myself and make excuses for my behavior or reaction to a particular resentment!!!
I guess my question is, from what I've told you, am I working this step right? How do I know when I've made as much progress as I can with this step at this time in my recovery or am I avoiding and bailing because things are uncomfortable!!! Denial and avoida:162::162:nce are very very sneaky!!!
I live in a very small and I mean small country town, I currently have no sponser and the closest meeting is over an hour drive a way. I rely on my cyber recovery family and support by phone with people from my old group who are 600 miles away!! I'm so thankful for cyber fellowship!!
I appreciate your wisdom, thoughts and any encouragement you can give!!

[BIG AL]

u sound like a alcholic:smile:.its hard to work on 4th without sponsor but possible.the thing on the 4th step is not to leave off thing in inventory on purpose.we are only sick as are darkest secret.other than that if it comes to mind while writtin put it on the papewr,and dont ententionally leave anything off and u while do fine.this is a hard time in recovery to see it all on paper, but remember u are fixin to get rid of it on the next step step 5

[alcoholrehabcoach]

...I guess my question is, from what I've told you, am I working this step right? How do I know when I've made as much progress as I can with this step at this time in my recovery or am I avoiding and bailing because things are uncomfortable!!! Denial and avoidance are very very sneaky!!!

"Step 4: We made a searching and moral inventory of ourselves."

Something I have learned in business is that if something is worth doing, it is worth doing poorly to start.

I have also learned that perfection sucks. In trying to do things perfectly it gives us an excuse or a way out of simply trying to do things a little better than we've been doing.

Trying to being perfect allows us to let ourselves off the hook when we fail because "nobody's perfect" so it's totally acceptable, even expected you will fail.

But by committing to getting, being or doing something "better" than before, now you have something more tangible to work with. Now you can even fail and continue moving forward because perfection isn't the goal. Progress is.

My suggestion is that if you are going to use a 12 Step program, and if you now feel that you have already made enough progress in the 4th step by being "fearless and searching" in taking your moral inventory, then move on to the 5th. If you haven't, then I'd say pick up your pen and paper and get back at it.

My intuition tells me that if you are still concerned about denial, avoidance, or your mind being sneaky or tricky, then there are probably still some truths about yourself you would rather not care to admit.

How do you feel about that?

Mike Highstead

The Secret To Break Any Bad Habit or Addiction (http://www.highsteadalcoholtreatment.com/2008/06/17/there-is-always-a-choice/)

[westswoman]

What great responses and fabulous food for thought!! Perfection is a problem I have. Perfection in myelf, I don't expect it in others! WOW! Thats something I need to add to my list! Thank you! Yes, I am still concerned about denial. Thats where a sponser is needed no doubt. I would much rather have honesty from someone then my feelings spared! Does that make sense to anyone?
I've decided to ease up on working this step for the moment. I found myself spinning in circles and going no where. I'll work on turning my "perfection" issues around and move towards making, "progress"!! Thanks a million for your input!!

[grateful4]

I want to reinforce what the others have said. Don't try to get every little thing the first time through. One of my mentors with over 30 years of sobriety always says "... don't sweat the details..." You will never get everything and it is more important to get the really big things bothering you today than worry too much about the small details of the past. There will always be more things surfacing as you go along in recovery, and by using the steps as a daily guide for living, we can grow and work on things as they pop up. Besides as my mentor also says, "... thats what the 10th step is for...".

Good Luck !!!!!!

[BIG AL]

big book on pg65 of the forward to the first eddition.nothing counted like THOROUGHNESS AND HONESTY.inventory is one thing to in steps that needs to be as close to perfect as u can get.resentments are are #1 offender it destroys more alcholics than anything else pg64 3rd paragraph.this step needs to be taken with a sponsor if at all possible.be blessed

[zoomie]

In my 4th I just made list and then when it got to my 5th step, I was able to "talk" in more detail. It would have taken forever and a day to do all that writing on paper. My sponcer did not want me spending forever on one step because he wanted progress not perfection. If you leave anything out of your 4th then you can always do another one at another time. I hear of many people getting stuck on this step and never move forward. I'm glad my sponcer had me take the plunge and get it over with or I'd still be writing my 4th. Good luck! O ya, I was done with all my steps within a few months and it felt like I accomplished something good.

[westswoman]

I was reading my 12 steps and 12 traditions book last night. Isn't it strange that even though I read this entire book before I'm reading it now with new eyes, so to speak!! I read the chapter on the 5th step and it addressed all the questions I had about the 4th step. I can see that my higher power, "God" is right beside me every minute! How else can you explain the fact that the information and support I've come across daily pertains to the very issue I'm personally facing at that moment?

[BIG AL]

god will never leave us nor forsake us.keep on keepin on and things will change.be blessed,have great day

[paulm]

Mike you the point that you are driving at is one that is important.. perfection isn't the key to the 4th step it's the willingness to look at ourselves, and then share with another human being in the 5th step. Perfection leads to procrastination.. I see way too much emphasis being put on doing the 4th thoroughly before moving on; Just Move On Already. there is a lifetime ahead to come back and add to your list of things you've done. Make sure you are looking for the good stuff about you as well, that is equally as important as the corrupt, sneaky, immature, or illegall stuff we got caught up in while in active addiction / alcoholism.

[Woofer]

I agree on not having to have a "perfect" 4th step, but certainly try to be as honest and thorough as you possibly can without taking forever. Alot of my first 4th not being perfect was that I just couldn't remember alot of the resentments on their at first. Getting the big stuff out of the way on the first try is the most important thing you can do, as they are the ones that are eating you up RIGHT NOW, and are blocking you from spiritual growth. If something pops up later that you remember, you can add it to the list and tell someone about it. Easy as that. The most important part of this step was realizing the part that I played in them, and the character defects that arose in these situations, and that are a part of me. I have to know my character defects before I can be willing and humbly ask them to be removed.

[clean42day]

I guess my question is, from what I've told you, am I working this step right? How do I know when I've made as much progress as I can with this step at this time in my recovery or am I avoiding and bailing because things are uncomfortable!!! Denial and avoidance are very very sneaky!!!

My sponsors first direction in writting out the 4th step - was to put at the top of every page:

:195: God please guide my pen and thoughts in truth

I agree with most of the replies......it is not about doing it right or perfect - it is about being as thorough as you can according to the layer of denial versus truth you are capable of at this point.

I too am a recovering codependent.....and I can tell you this: you will get many opportunities to work a 4th step. from my understanding - the steps are not something we do just once in a life time - the steps are to be worked in a circular fashion as a maintenance plan for progress. I did my initial 4th step in my first year and it was 45 pages long and took 8 hours to finish my 5th .....

I thought I was thorough and my sponsor helped me tremendously in weedding out what was my responsibiltiy and what was not....and she helped me peel layers of denial away and got down to my core beleifes and intentions/motivations.....it was very enlightening as well as painful at times.

But guess what? I just completed another 4th step at 5 years clean - and as thorough as I thought I was in the first one - the second one took on a whole nother layer of truth and honestly - because I have grown in understanding and self acceptance - there is no comparison to my first 4th step.

as co-dependents we also have control issues

try to let go - of the "doing it right" part and just follow the format and allow your self-developement and your spiritual growth and level of truth to unfold according to your level of willingness and abiltiy to heal.

you will find as you grow and mature in recovery - there is always another level of truth - under the one you just discovered.

it is a beautiful process of discovery and exploration- and I am learning to allow God to direct that process................

good luck and may God bless your life

light and love

Gail

[alcoholrehabcoach]

- the steps are to be worked in a circular fashion as a maintenance plan for progress.



Spiraling up! Love it!

Gail thank you so much for this post. Very helpful!

And I love that part about allowing God to guide my pen.

:smile: