Not Sure Anymore,4 years Clean

[CD BUCKBERRY]

:195::195::29::29:I am not doing good right now,I haven't used or thought of it but everything around me and myself are falling apart.I am sick of the fellowship I belong to.The people think they know everything especially the older members,not in age length of time clean.They all say thios or that yet very few do service.I started setting up meetings was alt GSR,then GSR of home group,now I am a Regional Committee Member Alt.Our area has 38 groups,if we have 12 in attendance it is a lot.I guess I am in one of those I don,t know if I want this times of life,but doing service kept me coming when I didn't want to be there.I am depressed have bad medical issues,but don't get me wrong I love the fellowship.I know it has showed me a new way of life and is teaching me new ways to act and treat people.I have found great friends in fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.It gave me my life back after 38 years of very bad drug abuse.I give my life to it.I have a sponsor tocall,a grand sponsor,and a great grand sponsor,and 30 other sponsorship brothers in my family,great people.Thanks to everyone who has made this fellowship work.:195::195::29::29:

[annalittlebit]

I Am Sooooo Glad You Are Here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[yukonm]

I will keep you in my prayers. Just continue to do what you know to be the next right thing, regardless of what others are doing around you. We must continue to work our own program. Continue to communicate with those in the program that are winners (have what YOU want) and keep coming back. We are here for you and we need you too. This is a WE thing.

[dalin]

stick around man!!!!!
Things will be things!
I need you!!

[paulm]

It sounds like throught venting you found out that the price of using isn't worth it. I gave all I had to recovery too. I copped a resentment and eventually stepped out for some controlled drinking. I know the fellowship has a way of working, the program gets mundane sometimes but I still keep coming and try anyway.
It gets better

[CD BUCKBERRY]

paulm,Thanks for the comment,but I will not use know matter what.I have come to far to go back to the misery and pain I brought upon ourselves.I will die if I use.I have a very bad heart,pacemaker and defribilator.I pray to the higher power to keep me going not for my demise.I have had it with people who are all talk and no service.I have done some kind of service for all of my four years.Setup chairs,chair meeting,Alt Gsr,Gsr,Now I am a Regional Committee Member.It all can be overwelming.It has made me think what did I get myself into,am I crazy.

[CD BUCKBERRY]

:D:Dstick around man!!!!!
Things will be things!
I need you!!
:29::29:He,I am glad to be able to post something and have someone respond to it.I guess I am in a pre-medallion state of mind.I also am begining my new position as Regional Committee Member,Northern New England Region.I hope I can do what is expected of me.:29::29::1::17::12:

[CD BUCKBERRY]

I Am Sooooo Glad You Are Here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:29::D:smile::29::17::29::DThank you for the great words and response.:42::42::42::1:

[shydawg]

CD, glad you're here buddy , can feel your frustration tho ... we seem to have alil bit of that same problem here ourselves . but oh well..I'll try to learn as I go & pace my self ..I learned pretty early,that the more we put into our recovery the more we get out of it ...& that includes all the service work we do too..Congrats on your new position R.C.M. !!!!I'm sure you'll do a great job . CONGRATS ON 4 YRS TOO!!! WAY TO GO !!!

[francie21805]

:17:Hello CD, I think I understand. I was told and taught from the beginning to get it to service and I did and very much still am. But... Sometimes I have to get my sponsor to help me look at what's on my plate. I've had to back away, not off, and let others step in and do things and if they didn't get done...well... But this, for me, was done under the guidance of Sponsor.

A longtimer told me that 90% of service is done by 10% of our membership and a good AA/NA service friend once told me, something like, If you're doing good works and others don't appreciate it, keep doing good works anyway. It make us healthier. :42:

I appreciate you good works!! :42:

[admin]

Sounds like you described life. Sometimes life is great, sometimes life is crappy, sometimes you just sit on the plateau. I always heard life is what you make it and it is. Regardless what is going on in life, we can choose how we deal with it thanks to the 12 Step programs.

We have a topic going in the Weekly Recovery Meeting for this week called Emotional Sobriety and this is sioux's share http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/showpost.php?p=111891&postcount=4 :

How Important Is It...Really? That's the big question I ask myself when I feel my emotional recovery slipping away. Dr. Paul has written several books that I find useful in addressing what emotional recovery is, what it isn't, and how we let others dictate whether we possess it or not.

One of the things he has written that I have emblazened on my brain is this....the more I try to control a situation, the more controlled I am by that situation.

I don't know who said this, but I have found this also to be really useful in times of hardship and general disarray: I may not like the situation I am in right now, but I am liking who I am in this situation.

My emotional recovery is about the most important thing in the world to me. Without it I am deficient to the people in my life, falling back into a state of self will and selfishness that makes me just useless and miserable. I didn't get sober to be miserable.

Doesn't mean that it's all yippy skippy either. Life happens, and I am focusing on my presence with the Hear and Now, which I call my Creator. I am working constantly on changing my perception.

Here is the link for the whole thread: http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/showthread.php?t=19121

Just keep hanging in there, taking life one day at a time. Ain't nothing a drink or drug is going to make any better. We can all testify to that. Keep coming back and sharing with us. We are here for you. We care. Praying for you. :195:

[sonia n]

I am glad you are here! When I find going through any type of feelings my sponsor tells me H- hungry
A- angry
L- lonely
T- tired

It is okay to slow down! :195::195::195:
GOD and I are on a boat, I row and GOD steers.
I can steer anytime I want to, but GOD doesn't row[/U][/U].:195::195::195:

[CD BUCKBERRY]

I am glad you are here! When I find going through any type of feelings my sponsor tells me H- hungry
A- angry
L- lonely
T- tired

It is okay to slow down! :195::195::195:
GOD and I are on a boat, I row and GOD steers.
I can steer anytime I want to, but GOD doesn't row[/U][/U].:195::195::195:

::85::85:85:sonia,Thank you for your response,it was great.My great grand sponsor is from down your way.This fellowship and N.A. are great places to be,safe from what we used to do.And I do Keep Coming Back,I know It Works.:85::85::85:

[CD BUCKBERRY]

Sounds like you described life. Sometimes life is great, sometimes life is crappy, sometimes you just sit on the plateau. I always heard life is what you make it and it is. Regardless what is going on in life, we can choose how we deal with it thanks to the 12 Step programs.

We have a topic going in the Weekly Recovery Meeting for this week called Emotional Sobriety and this is sioux's share http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/showpost.php?p=111891&postcount=4 :



Here is the link for the whole thread: http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/showthread.php?t=19121

Just keep hanging in there, taking life one day at a time. Ain't nothing a drink or drug is going to make any better. We can all testify to that. Keep coming back and sharing with us. We are here for you. We care. Praying for you. :195:
:85::29:Bluidkiti,I am hanging in there,I am not and will not throw away all my hard earned cleantime no matter what.Thank You for great words of wisdom.:85::29:

[CD BUCKBERRY]

:195:I Am Sooooo Glad You Are Here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:85::195::29:annalitlebit,Thank you for the support,I have been having a tough time lately.I guess this is what it is like doing service for a while.There are grateful and ungrateful people in N.A. with lots of cleantime.I hope I always can appreciate what I have gotten and learned from the fellowship.I am for sure going to make it to my four years on January,10,2009.:195::85::29:

[CD BUCKBERRY]

I will keep you in my prayers. Just continue to do what you know to be the next right thing, regardless of what others are doing around you. We must continue to work our own program. Continue to communicate with those in the program that are winners (have what YOU want) and keep coming back. We are here for you and we need you too. This is a WE thing.

:85::85::29:yukonm,Thanks for being there with support,I think I have let all I have taken on be overwelming.I have done some kind of service since the beginning of coming into the fellowship.It gives me a reason to be there when I don't want to.I will not say I am going to do something without carrying through with it.I am trying to feel better.:85::85::29:

[annalittlebit]

No doubt in my mind that you'll make it----We all go thru test times and I think those times make us stronger---Take Care Of You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CD BUCKBERRY]

stick around man!!!!!
Things will be things!
I need you!!

:195::29::29:Dalin,Reading your posts has helped me ever so much.I always read your posts on the history of the fellowship.It is great to corespond with you.Being on disability I have taught myself how to type a little bit,I find all kinds of good info here.I also hope I can help out others like it has helped me.:195::29::29:

[dalin]

Thanks man

[yukonm]

I am praying that you have a blessed day. :195: You are not alone, friend.:42:

[annalittlebit]

CD, I came across this and thought of you-----Hugs!!!!!!!!

Inner Peace---Giving expression to the peace of God within me, I am calm and serene.When the fall winds blow, they scoop up leaves, swirl them around in a frenzy, and then, just as quickly, release the leaves to let them drift back to the ground one by one. I may feel at times that I am caught up in such a whirlwind, either emotionally or physically, as circumstances around me seem to become a blur of activity. As I turn within in prayer, I strengthen and retain my sense of well-being. Quiet moments in prayer bring me back to an awareness of the peace that is always at the core of my being. Tapping into the peace of God within me, I am completely relaxed and at ease. Like the leaves that flutter softly back to earth after the wind has ceased, I am at peace. Taking my peaceful nature back to my day, I am calm and serene in all circumstances. "Therefore my heart is glad, and my soul rejoices; my body also rests secure."--

[Just42Dave]

we love people like you you help hold s h i t together
Thanx

[yukonm]

CD you are in my thoughts and prayers today.

[clean42day]

According to your origional post - it sounds like you are overwhelmed and have medical issues. My sponsor always taught me that service is important to the WE of the fellowship - but if you don't take care of the "me" first - what you bring to the fellowship is not as beneficial. She said we must first focus on our own recovery to stay healthy in body, mind, and spirit......then what we bring to the service position is the best we have to offer.

from what you said - you are prolly going to say "I am one of those people who don't do service work" and guess what - you are right. I belonged to H & I as a speaker for my first 3 years on panels. but since then I have not been a part of formal service work. I am of service in little ways - by giving others rides to meetings, I sponsor individuals, I help newcomers on my own at meetings and everytime I pass a message of hope I am of service in a small way. I have not suffered any loss of qualtiy recovery by not being of service in a formal capacity and I am coming up on 6 years now.

I have seen people take service to the extreme and their personal recovery has suffered because of it. Stepping down from a service position is not a bad thing - especially for stress and medical reasons. Becuase what it also does is opens up a position for someone else to step up into.

ultimatley you must find what your higher power's will for you is; and hey maybe He/she wants to "use" your example of recovery in some other way...................

when we get attached to some "identity" that we design our life around - after a while - you don't hold a service position anymore - it holds you.

just the opposite perspective from my own experience.

but just as someone else here said - working through the emotional issues in the meantime is a great opportunity for growth.

I would not take a service position at this point in my recovery - you know why? because my life and recovery depend on me staying healthy.....and when it comes down to it - I would choose me over the politics/service of the fellowship. Does that sound selfish? well for me personally it is healthy - because I am also a recovering co-dependent and part of my program is to - stay on my side of the street as much as possible or I will go too far into the other extreme and forget I have my own life to live.

it goes both ways - without a me there is no "we".

finding where the "Balance" is in all areas of our life

- is prolly some of the hardest work we addicts do.

good luck and God bless you

light and love

Gail

[CD BUCKBERRY]

clean42day,Anything is service from what I was taught,giving rides to meetings is especially a great thing to do.Then other people get to get what we have from our programs we are in.My original mentors I met my first month in the fellowship I still talk to regularly.They are like having more than one sponsor.

[yukonm]

CD, I hope you are feeling better. I will keep you in my prayers.

[CD BUCKBERRY]

yukonm,Thank you for the prayers,I am feeling better,Next weekend I have a regional meeting up in Maine,then on Sunday Area Service Committee for our area.The joys of being a GSR and RCM for Northern New England Region.I kept Coming Back and It Worked.

[CD BUCKBERRY]

:29::D:29: Thanks for the needed support,I am trying to take each day like a new way of life.I have since this post had a falling out with my home group.Some of that addict thinking came out telling a lot of them off.I am never going back to that group,I did service for almost every Sunday of my whole four years clean.My mentor and now sponsor,these two men told me that service keeps you comong around the rooms,it worked for me.I was Gsr,now I am just a RCM Alt at our region.Thanks for all the support and wisdom I recieved from everyone,it is great to have such a big family of great people.:29::D:29:

[annalittlebit]

Great News CD-----:D:42:

[yukonm]

I just wanted to tell you again that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am grateful that you made a decision that will enable to have more peace of mind. I appreciate and admire your desire to do service. Thank you for sharing.:42:

[CD BUCKBERRY]

:29::29::29::smile::DI am free again,free to be me.Happy,Joyous,and Free.:D:smile::29::29::29:

[yukonm]

:29::42: