shydawg
10-28-2008, 01:43 PM
Egocentric fear is the most current manifestation of my disease, because it tends to maintain itself in the background, acting in an imperceptible manner, disguised by justification. When I have good feelings or intentions, it will try to warp them into feelings of superiority or inferiority, and it never allows me to establish any sense of balance.
A female member arrived at our group, and I was attracted to her. She was beautiful, she dressed the way I like women to dress, and she had an appearance that awakened my attraction to very young women. I looked at her and felt that she was responding to me. I tried to avoid her gazing at me, but it was difficult for me to avoid it. I knew I had to recognize that she was a newcomer and respect her, but I lost my perspective on why I had to do so.
One day, I talked to her, and she told me that she liked reading good books and listening to good music; immediately, I felt that God had put her here for me. I told her that I was attracted to her, but that I should respect her. She told me not to worry, and immediately my insecurity made me believe she was not interested in me. I told myself I would respect her, but that if she slipped, I would not be able to control myself; but then she explained to me that what she meant was that she didn't see a problem in us getting to know each other.
Of course, she was a newcomer. I was the one who should have known better, and I didn't, but I decided to respect her anyway. I wanted to follow the rules, because my sponsor and fellow members who have more experience told me that was the best thing to do, that a relationship probably wouldn't work, and that if one of us left the other, one of us might use again. In spite of all these things, it was still difficult for me to distinguish why I couldn't do the right thing, which was to place principles first and take care of her as a fellow member in recovery.
One day, as I was reading the "fear" section of the Fourth Step in the Step Working Guides, I suddenly realized why it was so difficult for me. It was egocentric fear that caused me to want to prove to myself that I could still conquer a beautiful young girl. My egocentric fear led me to believe that if I didn't engage this woman in a relationship, another actively using addict would, and then I would feel like I, who had so much recovery to give to the newcomer, would have to save her from the grip of an active addict with bad intentions—but, in the end, what were my real intentions? I knew I had to be honest and face the hard task of placing principles before personalities. Despite my attraction and affection, I wanted to do what was right for our recovery. So, just for today, I will respect my fellow members, no matter how old they are, what race or sex they are, their religion or lack of religion. I will place principles first, even if those principles contradict my self-will.
Carlos B, Estado Mérida, Venezuela
A female member arrived at our group, and I was attracted to her. She was beautiful, she dressed the way I like women to dress, and she had an appearance that awakened my attraction to very young women. I looked at her and felt that she was responding to me. I tried to avoid her gazing at me, but it was difficult for me to avoid it. I knew I had to recognize that she was a newcomer and respect her, but I lost my perspective on why I had to do so.
One day, I talked to her, and she told me that she liked reading good books and listening to good music; immediately, I felt that God had put her here for me. I told her that I was attracted to her, but that I should respect her. She told me not to worry, and immediately my insecurity made me believe she was not interested in me. I told myself I would respect her, but that if she slipped, I would not be able to control myself; but then she explained to me that what she meant was that she didn't see a problem in us getting to know each other.
Of course, she was a newcomer. I was the one who should have known better, and I didn't, but I decided to respect her anyway. I wanted to follow the rules, because my sponsor and fellow members who have more experience told me that was the best thing to do, that a relationship probably wouldn't work, and that if one of us left the other, one of us might use again. In spite of all these things, it was still difficult for me to distinguish why I couldn't do the right thing, which was to place principles first and take care of her as a fellow member in recovery.
One day, as I was reading the "fear" section of the Fourth Step in the Step Working Guides, I suddenly realized why it was so difficult for me. It was egocentric fear that caused me to want to prove to myself that I could still conquer a beautiful young girl. My egocentric fear led me to believe that if I didn't engage this woman in a relationship, another actively using addict would, and then I would feel like I, who had so much recovery to give to the newcomer, would have to save her from the grip of an active addict with bad intentions—but, in the end, what were my real intentions? I knew I had to be honest and face the hard task of placing principles before personalities. Despite my attraction and affection, I wanted to do what was right for our recovery. So, just for today, I will respect my fellow members, no matter how old they are, what race or sex they are, their religion or lack of religion. I will place principles first, even if those principles contradict my self-will.
Carlos B, Estado Mérida, Venezuela