shydawg
10-28-2008, 11:49 PM
After five months "in the rooms" (and relapse after relapse), that last week in September found me ready to give up. My cravings and obsession to use never ceased. As our literature puts it, "Self-pity is one of the most destructive of defects; it will drain us of all positive energy." (Basic Text, "Recovery and Relapse" chapter) Tearful and angry, I wondered why I hadn't gotten "a break." Outside, a rainy deluge battered our New York streets. In my dark crack-den of an apartment, I prayed for dead friends to intercede with God on my behalf. Spiritually, I was one sick puppy, craving drugs and obsessing about drug-fueled sex. On the positive side, I was planning to attend a 6:00 pm meeting that evening.
I searched for an appropriate poetry book to get me through the next few hours. Instead, I played a favorite CD and desperately prayed for the singer to guide me or to intercede with our Higher Power. There is no way to really explain what followed, other than to say that hearing the music awakened in me "the necessity for vigorous personal action" (Basic Text, "Recovery and Relapse") and the application of spiritual principles in my life.
The porn tapes and DVDs strewn across my floor might have been staph lesions; the box of sex toys, a cancerous growth. The metal Droste cocoa box in my kitchen cabinet glaringly reminded me that I had not truly surrendered to the program—rather, that I was fudging it. Why had I held onto my digital gram scale—to measure cumin? Why would I need a heavy-duty, stainless-steel pill crusher? My Higher Power helped me determine that these things needed to go, and right then. The contents of the sex-toy box, the array of porn on the floor and on my shelves, and my cache of drug gadgets went directly into a large, black garbage bag. Twist-tied, the bag went directly into the trash. While the idea of selling or giving away this paraphernalia lingered, my Higher Power couldn't accept the transfer of that karma elsewhere. In an effort to further defuse the horrible karma of my drug addiction and its allied sexual issues, I burned sage in a Native American purification ritual.
In the days that followed, I felt enormous freedom. It was as if those totems had obstructed positive spiritual growth and healing. More than a year and a half later, I see that afternoon as a beginning in my spiritual awakening. It marked my first period free of obsessions and cravings, something I hadn't ever thought possible. I finished working my first formal Fourth Step with my sponsor. Gratefully, I remembered that dark September afternoon, with its healing music by a beloved composer/performer that opened a door for my Higher Power. It was a milestone for my cleantime and sanity.
Jon N, New York, USA
I searched for an appropriate poetry book to get me through the next few hours. Instead, I played a favorite CD and desperately prayed for the singer to guide me or to intercede with our Higher Power. There is no way to really explain what followed, other than to say that hearing the music awakened in me "the necessity for vigorous personal action" (Basic Text, "Recovery and Relapse") and the application of spiritual principles in my life.
The porn tapes and DVDs strewn across my floor might have been staph lesions; the box of sex toys, a cancerous growth. The metal Droste cocoa box in my kitchen cabinet glaringly reminded me that I had not truly surrendered to the program—rather, that I was fudging it. Why had I held onto my digital gram scale—to measure cumin? Why would I need a heavy-duty, stainless-steel pill crusher? My Higher Power helped me determine that these things needed to go, and right then. The contents of the sex-toy box, the array of porn on the floor and on my shelves, and my cache of drug gadgets went directly into a large, black garbage bag. Twist-tied, the bag went directly into the trash. While the idea of selling or giving away this paraphernalia lingered, my Higher Power couldn't accept the transfer of that karma elsewhere. In an effort to further defuse the horrible karma of my drug addiction and its allied sexual issues, I burned sage in a Native American purification ritual.
In the days that followed, I felt enormous freedom. It was as if those totems had obstructed positive spiritual growth and healing. More than a year and a half later, I see that afternoon as a beginning in my spiritual awakening. It marked my first period free of obsessions and cravings, something I hadn't ever thought possible. I finished working my first formal Fourth Step with my sponsor. Gratefully, I remembered that dark September afternoon, with its healing music by a beloved composer/performer that opened a door for my Higher Power. It was a milestone for my cleantime and sanity.
Jon N, New York, USA