shydawg
10-29-2008, 01:31 PM
How I learned to lighten up
The treatment center where I got clean was in a different area than my home area, which is in the Southern California Region of NA. I thought all NA meetings should be like they were in the area where I got clean: punctual and orderly. When my sponsor directed me to attend a majority of my NA meetings in my home area, I was appalled at the apparently nonchalant way in which many of the meetings were run."Horrified" might actually be a more accurate word. "How in the world do people ever get clean in these meetings?" I would ask.
I continued to attend meetings in my home area, and I listened to the suggestions my sponsor made regarding how to act at NA meetings. First and foremost, I was not to criticize these meetings. If I did not like the way something was done, there was a proper way to address the situation at the monthly business meeting.
Eventually, I had a "eureka" moment when I realized people in my home area did not get clean despite the seemingly loosely run meetings—they got clean because of the way the meetings are run. In the area where I first got clean, many, maybe even most of the NA members had somewhat stable lives. Many owned homes, had long-term jobs and relationships, owned a car, and probably never even had been to jail.
In my home area, however, the opposite is true. It is a transient area with many young addicts coming off the streets, out of jails or prisons, living alternative (to put it mildly) lifestyles. That is a big reason why our meetings are the way they are. They are that way because they work that way. The formality found in other areas' meetings would probably scare a lot of our home addicts away before they could hear—much less get—the message that NA works.
I was able to stay clean for five years after my first day of treatment. Then I relocated to a place that had no NA meetings in English. Eventually I started a meeting. Since there were so few of us, I tried to lighten up about use of the "S" word and other references to the various twelve-step fellowships. I held my ground, however, with our readings. Where it says NA, it means NA, period—not any other fellowship.
A young woman determined to get clean began attending our meetings. One day, she diligently took notes on all of the sharing from members and, as a grand finale to the meeting, she shared last, giving each of us tips on what we had shared.
When I found out she was on methadone, I thought it would be appropriate to take a group conscience about whether or not to allow people who are detoxing on methadone to share at our meeting.
Imagine my shock when it was suggested that we allow anyone to share at the meeting. Even more shocking to me was that everyone else agreed. Personally, I had never heard of addicts who are not clean being allowed to share at an NA meeting.
I wrote down my thoughts on this issue and handed the papers out before the next meeting where we were to take the vote—but the most important thing I did before the meeting was to pray. I prayed that I would be able to accept, with dignity and grace, whatever was the outcome of the vote.
We now have two English-speaking NA meetings here. At either meeting, anyone can share or check in during the last five minutes. Amazing how well that actually works. If someone who obviously is not clean begins to share, we gently suggest they wait until their turn at the end of the meeting. In my experience, addicts who are not clean love the sound of their own voice, so it is great to have that five-minute window within which to limit their share.
For me, both of these circumstances show the beauty of surrender. My sponsor taught me to "be smart about it, Cathy"—that is, to voice my opinion clearly, respect the opinions of others, remember that NA is a God-given, God-directed program, and then, finally, accept whatever the group conscience turns out to be.
When I am able to act in this way, I retain my dignity and grace. It is important to remember that the things that appear to be such a big deal when they are happening usually seem quite insignificant in retrospect. What stays with us, however, is our character.
At first, I would have to bite my tongue until it almost bled, and silently say the Serenity Prayer over and over, in order to control my facial expressions and body language. Now it is easier to surrender because I have a broader perspective and know that my way—no matter how right I believe my way to be—is not the only way. Sometimes I even learn the most by doing things according to another person's way.
I now have over ten years clean. The first five years were spent where English-speaking NA meetings were held day and night, many within walking distance of my home. Over the last five years, I know of only two English-speaking meetings, and they are hundreds of miles apart.
I have learned many lessons during these ten years. One of the biggest is that I have never regretted choosing to act on a spiritual principle rather than a character defect.
I have learned to "lighten up" in recovery by acknowledging that we all have different realities and that I need to respect the rights of others. I have a friend who says, "Remember, whenever you win, somebody else loses." I believe that NA is a win/win fellowship.
So, my advice to all you perfectionist control freaks out there is to lighten up, let go, and let God!
Why not give it a try and see what happens?
Cathy Y, Barcelona, Spain
The treatment center where I got clean was in a different area than my home area, which is in the Southern California Region of NA. I thought all NA meetings should be like they were in the area where I got clean: punctual and orderly. When my sponsor directed me to attend a majority of my NA meetings in my home area, I was appalled at the apparently nonchalant way in which many of the meetings were run."Horrified" might actually be a more accurate word. "How in the world do people ever get clean in these meetings?" I would ask.
I continued to attend meetings in my home area, and I listened to the suggestions my sponsor made regarding how to act at NA meetings. First and foremost, I was not to criticize these meetings. If I did not like the way something was done, there was a proper way to address the situation at the monthly business meeting.
Eventually, I had a "eureka" moment when I realized people in my home area did not get clean despite the seemingly loosely run meetings—they got clean because of the way the meetings are run. In the area where I first got clean, many, maybe even most of the NA members had somewhat stable lives. Many owned homes, had long-term jobs and relationships, owned a car, and probably never even had been to jail.
In my home area, however, the opposite is true. It is a transient area with many young addicts coming off the streets, out of jails or prisons, living alternative (to put it mildly) lifestyles. That is a big reason why our meetings are the way they are. They are that way because they work that way. The formality found in other areas' meetings would probably scare a lot of our home addicts away before they could hear—much less get—the message that NA works.
I was able to stay clean for five years after my first day of treatment. Then I relocated to a place that had no NA meetings in English. Eventually I started a meeting. Since there were so few of us, I tried to lighten up about use of the "S" word and other references to the various twelve-step fellowships. I held my ground, however, with our readings. Where it says NA, it means NA, period—not any other fellowship.
A young woman determined to get clean began attending our meetings. One day, she diligently took notes on all of the sharing from members and, as a grand finale to the meeting, she shared last, giving each of us tips on what we had shared.
When I found out she was on methadone, I thought it would be appropriate to take a group conscience about whether or not to allow people who are detoxing on methadone to share at our meeting.
Imagine my shock when it was suggested that we allow anyone to share at the meeting. Even more shocking to me was that everyone else agreed. Personally, I had never heard of addicts who are not clean being allowed to share at an NA meeting.
I wrote down my thoughts on this issue and handed the papers out before the next meeting where we were to take the vote—but the most important thing I did before the meeting was to pray. I prayed that I would be able to accept, with dignity and grace, whatever was the outcome of the vote.
We now have two English-speaking NA meetings here. At either meeting, anyone can share or check in during the last five minutes. Amazing how well that actually works. If someone who obviously is not clean begins to share, we gently suggest they wait until their turn at the end of the meeting. In my experience, addicts who are not clean love the sound of their own voice, so it is great to have that five-minute window within which to limit their share.
For me, both of these circumstances show the beauty of surrender. My sponsor taught me to "be smart about it, Cathy"—that is, to voice my opinion clearly, respect the opinions of others, remember that NA is a God-given, God-directed program, and then, finally, accept whatever the group conscience turns out to be.
When I am able to act in this way, I retain my dignity and grace. It is important to remember that the things that appear to be such a big deal when they are happening usually seem quite insignificant in retrospect. What stays with us, however, is our character.
At first, I would have to bite my tongue until it almost bled, and silently say the Serenity Prayer over and over, in order to control my facial expressions and body language. Now it is easier to surrender because I have a broader perspective and know that my way—no matter how right I believe my way to be—is not the only way. Sometimes I even learn the most by doing things according to another person's way.
I now have over ten years clean. The first five years were spent where English-speaking NA meetings were held day and night, many within walking distance of my home. Over the last five years, I know of only two English-speaking meetings, and they are hundreds of miles apart.
I have learned many lessons during these ten years. One of the biggest is that I have never regretted choosing to act on a spiritual principle rather than a character defect.
I have learned to "lighten up" in recovery by acknowledging that we all have different realities and that I need to respect the rights of others. I have a friend who says, "Remember, whenever you win, somebody else loses." I believe that NA is a win/win fellowship.
So, my advice to all you perfectionist control freaks out there is to lighten up, let go, and let God!
Why not give it a try and see what happens?
Cathy Y, Barcelona, Spain