Living With Unresolved Problems

[shydawg]

Living With Unresolved Problems
"It makes a difference to have friends who care if we hurt."
Basic Text p.54

For most of our problems, the solution is simple. We call our sponsor, pray, work the steps, or go to a meeting. But what about those situations where the burden is ongoing and there's no end in sight?
Most of us know what it's like to live with a painful situation - a problem that just isn't going to disappear. For some of us, the problem is an incurable, life-threatening illness. Some of us have incorrigible children. Some of us find that our earnings simply don't cover our living expenses. Some of us care for a chronically ill friend or family member.
Those of us who have ever had to live with an unresolved problem know the relief that comes from just talking about our problem with our recovering friends. We may get some comic relief. Our friends may commiserate or cry in sympathy. Whatever they do, they ease our burden. They may not be able to solve our problem for us or take away our painful feelings, but just knowing that we are loved and cared about makes our problems bearable. We never have to be alone with our pain again.

Just for today: Those problems I can't resolve can be made bearable by talking to a friend. Today, I will call someone who cares.
pg. 320

Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[OnePotato]

But what about those situations where the burden is ongoing and there's no end in sight?


I had just this problem. A lot of unresolved issues with my mother. We had been estranged for years. During this time I sought and got into recovery, did some heavy duty therapy to deal with some severe abuses of my past
( my mother was one of my perpetrators), her own addiction and how that affected me growing up and later on as an adult, etc.

I was six years clean when my maternal grandmother lay dying in hospital. I spoke with an aunt of mine who happens to belong to another 12 step programme with her partner, who told me my grandmother was asking for me. We set it up so that I could go to visit my grandmother, say my goodbyes and not risk having to run into "Mommy Dearest". Well my Mom had other plans: she showed up at the hospital after I had been there about 2 hours, surrounded by a whole slew of family members I hadn't seen in years (aunts, uncles, etc.)

It was my mom who suggested we go for a coffee. I tell you that elevator ride down to the cafeteria was the longest one I have ever had. Finally she said "You look different." I told her I am different. I told her I am in recovery.

After we grabbed our coffees to go we went outside for a smoke. As I stood there with this woman who I loved but didn't like, I remembered all the pain I had gone through in recovery dealing with the past hurts. I knew it wouldn't be over until I confronted her with them. She listened. She didn't deny anything. She didn't really apologize either but did defend herself by telling me she was stuck in addiction.

I decided to try to let the past be the past and to move on forward. I told her I would like to try to rebuild a relationship with her if she thought she was capable of respecting my recovery. She agreed.

Within the next two years I found msyelf having being diagnosed with AIDS. That changed everything. Suddenly I was her no good for nothing daughter all over again. She didnt' want me around because she thought I thought I was somehow better than her because I am in recovery. She told me she couldnt be herself around me, because she was nervous about having booze around if I were there. I told her I was big enough and strong enough in my recovery to not go to her home if I didn't think I could handle whatever I might see /experience there at any time. I believe the real issue at that time for her was that I was now living with AIDS. She told me her God was punishing me for the things I did in active using days/and the fact that I am a lesbian. She told me she had more respect for me when I was a drug addicted sex trade worker. I can laugh over this but at the time she told me that at least then we had something in common! THEN, I could see no humour in any of this.

I realize now that she handled this situation the best she could. However what I needed was a mother who could support me through this, to be there for me... the mother I had never known. I knew she wasn't capable.

A lot of stuff happened until finally I made the decision to end all contact with her altogether.

About 3 years ago ( I was then 22 years clean, and VERY ill and not expected to live much longer ) my sponsor suggested I write her a letter to confront her with how abandoned I felt by her. She told me it was not for my mother that I would write this letter but for myself, to show ME that I DESERVED the love and support of my mother or that I at least try one last time to do what I could to make this happen. My sponsor felt it was necessary so I could die in peace.


I sat down and wrote her a letter - a beautiful, love filled but confronting letter. I shared with her that I was deeply hurt by her words and that my God, my Higher Power did not "give" me AIDS, or see that I was infected as punishment for anything. I told her my God is a loving God and would never do such a thing. WHen I mailed it I felt so free.

Mom died a year later. She never contacted me after reading the letter but I am told she read it.

I was not told she was sick or dying or even that she had died. I read of her death in the obits online an hour and a half before her funeral which was being held out of town.

Today I am at peace with it all. I know I was honest with her in a loving way. I did what I had to do to take care of myself in my recovery. I did it without using harsh or mean words. I was totally honest in my letter to her. I was willing to go to any lengths for my recovery and this included saying goodbye to the woman who had given birth to me many years before.
I made the decision to write her that letter and I have no regrets. I am so happy I did, looking back.

Rest in Peace Mom. I love you. We will meet again. Maybe next time we will be able to love one another in a good healthy way.

Thank you for letting me share.