This is a big step for me.

[guess175]

I've never gone as far as to reach out to NA for anything so this is a big step for me. Partly, I've never done it because I don't feel I have a right to stand up next to people who suffer addictions with Crack-cocaine and heroine when my addiction is simply Marijuana.
I feel like I'll get laughed out of the room. Alot of people think marijuana is not only okay, but also a good recovery tool. So I've found a back-lash when I try to say "I'm addicted to marijuana". The first thing I hear is "Marijuana isn't addictive". Which is pure, utter bull****. People tend to get angry when I try to say Marijuana is addictive, and bad enough that I need help to quit.
My supposed last joint was last night. I don't wanna say "I quit" because I don't know if I'm strong enough to quit.

It's been years. It feels like I'll be losing my right arm. An intregal part of "me" is going to be gone and it terrifies me. How silly is this? It's only a drug. It does no good for me. It makes me tired in the day, and it robs me of ambition. I struggle to do simple tasks like the dishes. My friends have all moved on and upwards, and even though I'm moving upwards I'm not moving on. So why do I fight it? Why don't I just quit? My mind plays tricks on me, and gives me reasons not to. I'm afraid I'll lose my cool factor and turn old. It makes it easy to meet people outside the bar the rare times I go. Wanna smoke a joint? They love how I always have it, and always offer. It's a hell of an ice-breaker. I love how that initial rush feels, and I enjoyed the rebellion and the act of it. Roll a joint, smoke it, get a rush, enjoy the tunes, drive around...........or Roll a joint, smoke it, get a rush, watch TV relaxed and trip on the plot.
I'm also afraid I'll have to face my life, and my hardships. I'll have to face how my sister is sick. I'll have to face the mistakes I made. I'll have to look at my kids sober and realize I havn't seen them sober, ever. That hurts the most.
I'm afraid I'll see my husband with different eyes and no longer love him.
So I'm scared. I'm scared to quit, but I'm also scared I wont' quit.
It's awful. I can't wait for this week to be done.:25:

[yukonm]

:67:
You have taken a big step today. You have admitted your powerless over your addiction and have reached out for help. When attending 12 step programs, I look for the similarities and not the differences. I find I have a multitude of things in common with the people in the rooms. Foremost we are trying to stay clean one day at a time.
It is comforting to know that I am not alone on my journey. We are here for you. Thanks for sharing.

[letgo]

Welcome to CR. have a read of some of the threads and posts here, there will be plenty of identification and support. As Yukonm has said "you are not alone".

[thereishope]

Hello guess175,
Welcome to CRF, its nice to meet you.
So very glad you are here and you are in the right place. Theres lots of support and friends here for you and we need you as well so please keep coming back.
I am soooo very proud of you for making the first step and reaching out. Being very honest about what you going through and feeling. We are all here for you and we all would like to wish you much love and many blessings on your journey of recovery and discovery.

[guess175]

Thank you! I went today and it was good. It was just as you described. I could relate to everyone and they could relate to me. They were so nice, and so welcoming. We went for coffee afterwords and it was just so nice to coffee with people other than my mother and be able to be honest about what I go through without judgement.
I have to go for 90 days straight.
I still feel weak. My body is wondering why it's not stoned and it's not liking it very much. My brain keeps asking me when I'm going to smoke one. And I keep saying no! Not today. Not ever! But it's a fight. I just have to get through it. I'm jittery and I can't relax and my aversion to food has come back with a ferocity. But it'll tame itself. I just have to give it time.
How long have you been clean?

[yukonm]

Dear guess175, my sobriety date is 8/21/07. By the grace of God, the support and encouragement of my friends in the fellowship and working the steps I have remained alcohol and drug free one day at a time. I must remember that I only have a daily reprieve and each morning I start my day off by asking God to guide my thoughts and actions and each night I thank Him for keeping me sober/clean for another day.
It has not always been easy but it has been worth it. The beautiful thing about my journey is that I do not travel it alone. I feel blessed to have found a family within the fellowship and here at CRF.:42:

[CleverCelt]

You only need to stay clean TODAY. If you look at it as you cannot use again for the rest of your life, it will be hard to keep clean "One Day At A Time".

It's the only way this program works.

Stay In The Day

[CD BUCKBERRY]

:29::29::17::29:guess175,Marijuana is a drug.I used for many years 38 in al,but in the end I still used marijuana.I din't think it was bad but it took just as much effort if not more to get rid of it.We at N.A. know it is a drug just like alcohol is a drug.Just keep going to meeting talk to someone,find a sponsor eventually.I mean some people run in N.A. get a sponsor the first week.I waited till I found someone I liked could get a hold of easy.I asked him to be my sponsor at about 6 months clean,it was either him or this other man who I still keep in contact with.The more mentors the better I believe in.I also have done service since the first month.Set up chairs,make coffee,put out literature,Chair meetings.I have since been a GSR=Group Service Representive.Now I am a Regional Committee Member in N.A.The fellowship has helped me save my self from drugs and the misery that comes from them.KEEP COMING BACK,IT WORKS IF YOU WANT IT.:29::17::29::29:

[guess175]

I have to keep coming back or I'll start again. LOL. I feel very weak, and very vulnerable. I'm just trying to get through today, and then go back to NA tommorow.
I've taken a couple of baths, went to my Dads to get out of my normal routine (triggers) and I've just been concentrating on the kids, and my writing.
But it's nagging at me, and I wish it would stop!!!!
Thank you so much for the support. I'm sorry for the me, me, me; I, I, I's. :sad:
Right now I have a major aversion to food, which I'll consider a good thing! LOL. I only eat little bits and pieces when my blood sugar drops. That happened last time I tried to quit and I lost a bunch of weight.
So Yippee!
It's my diet plan.:D

[guess175]

Thank you for your story. congrats on the time you've been sober. I hope I can say the same one day.
I'm beginning to cry.
How did I get here? Why am I like this? What am I going to face within myself? How much time have I wasted and how much did I miss?
My old self will come back and all of a sudden I'll want to be fifteen, watching Road to Avonlea while laying my head on my Mom's knee.
She'd be healthy, my sister would be healthy and my Dad wouldn't be going senile. We'd still have our family and our friends and all this crap which happened over the years hasn't happened yet.........I'd still have faith in people.
That's happened to me before, in moments of sobriety, and it's the most twisted feeling I've ever had.
I have two beautiful children, and a loving husband and a good home. I should feel blessed. I'm the mother and they're laying their head on my knee watching the Simpsons.
Back to reality.:twisted:

[guess175]

You've all been so supportive and nice, I just don't even know what to say. Thank you so much. I can't believe you're not all sick of the *****ing and whining. I'll just keep coming back and keep praying for strength.
Thank you again.:42:

[yukonm]

You are in my prayers tonight:42::195:

[francie21805]

:17:Hello and Welcome guess175! I'm so glad you're here. :42:I didn't like this the first hundred thousand times I heard it, but you're right where your suppost to be.:42: Keep sharing, going to meetings and don't "One Day or Minute at a Time".

[guess175]

A full day and night, no weed. :29: Now I feel better. I think I got over the initial come-down and now it's all about the psyche, and my brain will remind me. But at least I don't feel jittery and weird.
I'm still going to NA.

[yukonm]

:89:on one day of being free from marijuana. We all do this one day at a time, sometimes I have to measure the minutes but it works. The program is not for those that need it, nor is it for those that want it--- it is for those that WORK it. Keep going to meetings, get a sponsor and start working the steps. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[gettinfree]

Hey guess175...The way I have figured it out is, whinning is part of getting real and getting well. While I was 'out there', whinning wasn't an option to me...I thought weak people whinned. Well, while into recovery, I've discovered I'm weak!. Why would a strong, together man need God? I need God...Later...Mike :D

[guess175]

Today was a little weird. It was good, but my mind did the strangest things. LOL.
I kept thinking about the act of seeing the bud, cutting the bud, rolling the joint and lighting it up.
I didn't miss the smoking as much as I missed that act of it. Isn't that totally weird? It just became such a habit. It's like I should be doing something, but I'm not. It's almost through the second day now, and I'm already feeling good. I havn't felt tired in two days! I havn't needed a nap for two days! I cleaned my kitchen and did laundry and it felt effortless.
How cool is that? I'm happy I'm not stoned. I just have to get rid of the nagging thoughts in my head.

[zoomie]

Congrats on day 2!!!! Big steps indeed!

[yukonm]

You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight :195: