Hard to say Hello

[kristin]

My name is Kristin and I am a cocaine addict.
I used to smoke crack but stopped doing that 10 months ago. About 4 months ago I decided that since I obviously was capable of not cooking it and smoking it, surely I could just snort it for recreational purposes. What an absolute idiot I am. Now I am right back where I started and the only thing Ive managed to learn is that no matter where I go, there I am.
Every time I use, I hate myself. Maybe hate isnt even acurate. I loathe and detest myself. How could I be in this place again? How am I going to stop and does it really matter if I use or not? I suppose if I feel this guilty and feel this angry about it, it does matter. Maybe not to anyone else, but it does to me.
I havent been able to form a rational thought for weeks, I cant remember last monday, and I feel like junk every morning. I cant get past the physical withdrawl long enough to think about what Im doing.
I really need help. However, in my infinite wisdom I moved to Mexico a year and a half ago and cant find anyone here that speaks my language enough to tell me where I can find a group.
I must sound like a lunatic but I just wanted to be with other people who know how I feel.
Thank you so much for your posts here. I have a hard time talking about this and I am moved by what you say here.
Thanks for letting me take a piece of your space here.
Kristin

[admin]

:69: ((((Kristin)))), I so very glad you decided to share with us on the board here. It is difficult once we cross that invisible line to stop alcohol and/or drugs but it can be done even if we have relapsed. I, myself, and some others have relapsed but by the grace of God have been able to get sober and clean once again and stay that way. Please feel free to continue to come here and share with us. We are here for you. We care! :42:

Love,
Tammy

[admin]

PS Also wanted to mention that we have a forum on the board here - Online Journals/Diaries that some of us use in our recovery. Please feel free to start a journal of your own there. :42:

[cassie]

Kristin
I am glad you found us and hope you keep coming back to share. Cassie here, grateful recovering alcoholic. I pray that you continue to try to find help with getting past the physical withdrawal - once your body starts to heal and you get healthier, things get a whole lot easier.
friend in recovery
cassie

[Prescott]

:1: Good morning Kristin, My name is John and I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict. I used and abused cocaine for many years and recovery is possible.I have been clean and sober 8+ yrs now and it does matter.....mostly to me. My addiction took me to the locked down psych ward
losing my mind and not knowing what was real and what wasn't. During my detox in the psych ward I got to see truly helpless addicts that went to far and never to return and it scared the sh*t out of me. When a substance abuse program was offered to me "I said what do I have to lose" that was 8/8/97 and I have been clean and sober ever since. It wasn't easy and I had cravings to drink and use for a long time. It was the AA,NA 12 step program
and fellowship that saved my butt. Saved my life and gave me a life I can be proud of today. I spent many years in jail before I ever got clean & sober or even wanted to. You can stop using also, but it will take a commitment. Detox
is tough and should be done with professional help. Staying clean for me takes fellowship and work, but it is the best gift I have ever recieved. Welcome to our group,keep coming back,you are not alone in this. :42:

[admin]

These links may help you to find a meeting in Mexico

AA
http://anonpress.org/phone/mexico.asp
English Speaking
Cozumel 52-987-21007
Islamajeras 52-2-1177
Mexico City 52-55-11-1213
Playa del Carmen 52-984-876-0882

English Speaking
http://www.aamexico.org/

NA
LOCAL NA HELPLINE NUMBER
Mexico
52.55.55116840

http://www.namexico.org.mx/entrada.htm

Groups
http://www.namexico.org.mx/intgrupos.htm

NA Region Mexico
http://www.namexico.org.mx/servregion.htm

Email
coordinadora@namexico.org.mx

Please understand that I am not familiar with Mexico having never lived there. My hopes are that maybe if you call one of these numbers listed for NA above you may can find someone who does speak English.

Narcotics Anonymous World Services
http://www.na.org/
Contact
http://www.na.org/contact.htm


A couple of more links that may be helpful to you:
http://www.cyberrecovery.net/recoveryinformation.html
http://www.cyberrecovery.net/NA.html

NA Online Meetings
alcoholism.about.com
http://alcoholism.about.com/mpchat.htm?once=true&

Earth Group of NA Online Meetings
http://www.egna.org/

AA Online Meetings
alcoholism.about.com
http://alcoholism.about.com/mpchat.htm?once=true&

The Winners Circle
http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/2609/aachat.htm

AA Online Meetings
http://aaonline.net/

http://recoverychat.com/

http://aalivechat.com/

If you need anymore help just let us know. :42:

Love,
Tammy

[zoomie]

Hi and welcome! Please use the links Tammy has posted above to help you on your way. It's all very hard to stop on your own and you may need a doctor's help. This site has saved my life in the recovery we all share day to day. We are never alone and we are loved by eachother. Please keep coming back and letting us know how your doing.
(((((((((((((Huggys)))))))))))))

[SkinnyNinja]

Hi Kristin

Hopefully you can find a way to break out of your cycle of using and string together some clean time. If you manage to find some help and do this, I promise that, in time, you will come to like yourself again. It does get better.

[Waking]

Hey Kristin, Great to see you here, I've been here a week, trying to stop drinking and using Coke and ecstacy (mainly drink though). When I fell through the door last week on my knees I was in a state. Now I find I have a little more kindness for myself and this has helped me forgive myself and be free(er) from the loathing. As a result, I have done one week sober!

Wishing you some peace and friendship here

Wx

[kristin]

Thank you all SO much for your replies. I really felt alot of compassion and understanding when I read them.
Im on day three clean and it always seems to be the hardest day for me. The first day clean is easy because I feel so crappy I just eat and sleep all day. The second day I can almost function and may even attempt some mascara. And then day three always shows its ugly face.
I think, "Check me out! I did two days and it wasnt so bad! Surely Im not an addict" and Im back at it.
I caught the word "loathing" in one of the replies here. That was the word I was looking for to describe the way I feel everytime I use. It sounds ridiculous but sometimes I have the overwhelming urge to slap my own face smooth off my head.
Ive spent nearly my entire life alone and have always been self sufficient. I guess Ive finally found one thing that I just simply cannot do by myself. Thats a hard one for me. I feel like such a failure. How can a little dab of powder have such a devestating effect? Its just the dumbest thing.
I appreciate the links for the meetings here in Mexico a great deal and am checking the areas. Thank you for the time you took to post them for me.
I wish you all the best and hope to one day be here for you.
Peace

[Prescott]

Hi Kristin, Hope you can find a meeting and some fellowship. You are not alone. The first days are the hardest. Keep coming back. We're here for you.

[admin]

Hey ((((Kristin)))), Congrats on 3 days! :111: Just continue to take it a day at a time. Keep coming back and sharing with us. Like John said, We're here for you. :42:

LOve,
Tammy

[Paul]

Grats Kristin, maybe for the next day or so just count those hours off as they tic... and pat yourself on the back as each one goes by, each minute is presious, your clean look at the world through those eyes.

[janbear]

Hi Kristin, glad you are here and reaching out. Loathing myself is something i felt alot of. I thought i was bad to the core everytime i picked up and even for a time after i came into recovery. The oldtimers in the program taught me that "We are not bad people trying to get good, but sick people trying to get better" When i finally took that in i didnt loathe myself so much and i actually like myself most of the time today. Hope you are able to find one of those meetings. NA and AA both help me. Hang in there and welcome to this awesome journey of recovery.:42:

[sarah]

Kristen

I am here for you hang in there it does get easyer iam a addict and iam now 2 years clean/sober here is a big:42: for just for today my thought will be on all the new peolpe i meat that support me in my life and find a new way to life with out drugs good for my dear you make


go to meetings
get a sponcer
work the 12 steps into your life stop using is good yet learn the tool to daily life come by working the step

Kristen hang in girl ill pray for you:195:

[free2bunme]

Hey Kristin, and Welcome! I am so glad that you found us and decided to reach out. My name is Frannie, I am an addict from Atlanta, GA. I have been clean by the grace of a loving God since August 20 of last year. I really identified with you in your posts, and i wanted to share my reactions.

About 4 months ago I decided that since I obviously was capable of not cooking it and smoking it, surely I could just snort it for recreational purposes. What an absolute idiot I am.

you are not an idiot. in fact, i would be willing to bet that you are very smart. the truth is actually that you are up against a very powerful disease... cunning, baffling and powerful, to be exact. it centers in your mind AND your body -- your mind obsesses about using, and once you do, your body develops an allergy and starts craving it. that is why we can quit for some time, and think that we will be ok if we're just "careful" and be as bad off as we were before, if not worse. (the disease is progressive). the disease makes you think that you are not addicted, that you have it all under control. (see below). it makes you think that this time will be different. it makes you think that you don't need help. it's job, plain and simple, is to kill you. that's why we addicts have a hard time beating this powerful disease alone.

Every time I use, I hate myself. Maybe hate isnt even acurate. I loathe and detest myself.

you don't hate yourself. you hate your disease. but your disease wants you to think that it's actually you that you hate -- why? because, remember, it's job is to kill you.

And then day three always shows its ugly face.
I think, "Check me out! I did two days and it wasnt so bad! Surely Im not an addict" and Im back at it.

this disease makes you think that you are not addicted, that you have it all under control. (see above).

Ive finally found one thing that I just simply cannot do by myself. Thats a hard one for me. I feel like such a failure. How can a little dab of powder have such a devestating effect?

I walked right in your shoes. I used to sit there and stare at the little white powder or the little green bud and wonder the exact same thing --- how can something so small have such control over me? Surely I can beat it. And if not, surely I am a complete loser. I have since learned that I was wrong. I am a winner because I accepted that the drugs had me beat, and I surrendered. If you know that you cannot quit by yourself, congratulations! you have already taken step 1 -- admitted that you are powerless over cocaine and that your life is unmanageable. that's the hardest one. now, you have opened up a beautiful new world of solution .... step 2 " came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity." other addicts can share their experiences of how they did it. i'm so glad that you now have a list of meetings in your area --- and i hope you go! and that you keep coming back here and sharing.

:42: hang in there -- it does get better, i promise.

[flickchic]

:29: :29: (((((((((Kristen)))))))))),

firstly I like to say :46: and:89: on being clean.

I'm Felicity, from australia, have been in recovery from alcohol abuse since Jan this year and have been clean of my amphet habit for just over 6 and half years. I Congratulate you on the courage you are showing by simply being here and sharing your story.
I too have been alone most of my life....there were always people/partners etc around me, but not with me, so to speak...I learnt to be self sufficient as a youngster, which today I am grateful for, however that is a new space for me. I also had to accept that I wasn't going to 'get clean' alone, I had much support and spent 9 months at drug counselling to get me through into 'safety' of not using again. Earlier this year I hit rock bottom once again with my alcohol addiction, which has been my behaviour since 15 years of age, I'm now coming up 40. Again, without much support, (mostly I'll add, has been from here,) I don't believe I would be where I am w/out it. We don't have to do it alone, sharing with others, giving and recieving is a wonderful experience and it keeps us clean and sober.

So glad you have joined us and I pray your journey is as wonderful as mine, yes, there have been many ups and downs, finding balance in so much learnt dysfunctional behaviours and beliefs can take a lot of hard work, but....and that's the biggy BUT.....It is so worth the work!!!!!:1:

Keep coming back and sharing please, we all are here to support your recovery.:42:

[Doraine]

:76: & :77: Kristin. I hated myself at the end of my drinking. I knew I was out of control. I promised myself I wouldn't get drunk but I was drunk everyday. I had stopped using cocaine and rx drugs in Sept 86. I stopped drinking in Feb 87. It was the best decision I ever made.:92: If I can do it you can do it too! It gets better with everyday you stay clean. Keep coming back. Glad to meet you. :72:

[DonnyB]

Kristin-
Keep coming back. That has been a key for me in my recovery no matter what happens. They say the mind will follow the body and to me that means that if I keep going to meetings and keep showing up and sharing the real me that I am going to get clean and stay clean. You can do it. I am following the footprints of those who have gone before me and it works. Hang in there!!

[rooster]

HI KRISTEN I TO AM NEW TO THIS FORUM, TAKES COURAGE TO OPEN UP, ITS ALSO A BIG STEP IN THE RECOVERY PROCESS. HANG IN THERE AND DONT BE HARD ON YOURSELF. :29: