Laugh For Today

[admin]

A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket
with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him, "Would you please
spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."

[admin]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could
have sworn we just went through a red light,"

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was
red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous
and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they
went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did
you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have
killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" :surprised:

[admin]

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you
saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye
sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?" :11:

[janbear]

Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.


:304:

[admin]

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer
had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move
heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

[admin]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

[admin]

A census taker was working in the hills of Arkansas. He walked up to one
shed where a woman was sitting on the step.

After introducing himself, the census taker said,
"How many children do you have?"

The woman answered, "Fo'."

The census taker then asked, "May I have their names, please?"

The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Confused, the census taker said, "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you
named your fourth child 'George'?"

"Because we didn't want any Mo'."

[admin]

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the
man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and
you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

"Look, buddy," the cop said, "I don't care who you know. I'm giving you a ticket.

[admin]

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We
don't have a half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You
don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a
half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
ticket."

[admin]

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about eight years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball Š and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

[admin]

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I play golf."

[admin]

A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toenails so I bite them instead."

[admin]

After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell
asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.

"It's twenty to seven," she called.

"In whose favor?"

[admin]

An engineer, my husband often needs to study the shapes of human body parts
to make sure equipment for magnetic resonance imaging is properly designed.
Desperately searching for a model to use for a breast coil he was working
on, he went to a department store and requested bras in sizes 34A to 40C.

"Which one is for your wife?" asked the confused clerk.

He shook his head. "None of them."

"Really?" she said. "You're worse than I thought."

[admin]

THREE YEARS AGO my friend Viorel immigrated to the United States from Romania. He still
finds many things about his new country amazing, and often excessive. Recently, as we were
riding in my car, he questioned several BUMP signs along the road. When I explained the rationale
behind the practice he was silent for a minute. Then he asked, "Would it not be easier to fix
the bumps, instead of putting up signs announcing them?"

[admin]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a girl with a certain light hair
color catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks
on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and
proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker
lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the girl says brightly, "Hi my
name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the
trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the girl gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the birl. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

[admin]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The
second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.
The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I
was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[admin]

I looked at a pair of walking shoes the other day. They cost $120.
For that kind of money I could take a cab.

[admin]

Pat and his wife, Martha, were getting ready to leave home for a vacation.
Martha started out the door, then stopped and said, "Pat, this time you
check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, burglar
alarm on, doors locked, and I'll go out and blow the horn." :1:

[admin]

He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town.... and he was speeding.

Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only to see the lights of the Highway Patrol! Already late for church and figuring he'd try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers license.

Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, "You're a Reverend huh?" The young Pastor affirmed that.

The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, "Well, Reverend; your speedometer runneth over."

As the trooper handed him the ticket and started to walk away, his last comment was, "Oh, by the way.... the Bible on the dash? Nice touch."

[admin]

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth said.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Says right here rear defrosters."

[admin]

Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game.

"I'll ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."

When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar. "It's 238,857 miles. Now it's your turn."

The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour--but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50. "Okay, okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.

The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.

[admin]

A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

[admin]

While flying over a remote part of the Irish coastline, our helicopter lost power and had to make an emergency landing on one of the small nearby islands. Fortunately there was a small cottage nearby.

We walked over to it and the pilot rapped on the door.

"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds, then replied, "No." Then she pointed down the road and said, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

[admin]

One afternoon my friend rushed out of the house, forgetting her keys, and
found herself locked out.

"You locked yourself out?" I asked.

"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we
took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on
the deck."

"So what's the problem?"

"I took the plants in for the winter."

[admin]

My mind works like lightning ... one brilliant flash and it's gone.

[admin]

Dime: A dollar with all of the taxes taken out.

[admin]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if
that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."

[admin]

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

[admin]

I know karate, kung fu, and 50 other dangerous words!

[admin]

Jack was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He
would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of
all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

"Jack!! Jack!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to
celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?"

Jack put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a
moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

[admin]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[admin]

John went to visit his doctor over some recent stomach upsets, and learned that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters, he mentioned lactose intolerance, and tried to explain to them what that meant.

A couple of months later, he and his wife took the girls to a local restaurant after church. Regrettably, the quality of the food and service were not the best. When they finally got their breakfasts, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's watery omelet and burnt toast, and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast!! He is black toast intolerant."

[admin]

Grampa Marty: I know you're crazy about Molly, that little daughter of yours. What are you going to do when she starts to date?

Kevin: I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember this: I don't mind going BACK to prison." :11:

[admin]

Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker.

Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration.

"Laugh all you want," Don told them, "At least my truck will still be there when I get home." :1:

[admin]

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

[admin]

"Let's just walk up the hill to the terminal, rather than wait for the bus," I suggested to my two young sons. Much to their displeasure, we began our walk

After a while, my seven-year-old son asked: "Mom, why do you always make the decisions?"

"Because I'm an adult," I said. "When you become an adult, you'll make the decisions."

He thought for a few seconds, then said: "No, I won't. Then I'll have a wife."

[admin]

My friend's husband is a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and she often wondered how his job would affect their children's outlook on life. She had her answer when her son brought his health quiz home from school with all but one question answered correctly.

The question: Name the three main parts of the cell.

His answer: the bars, the keys and the mattress.

[admin]

The balding middle aged man asked his barber, "Why charge me the full price
for cutting my hair? There's so little of it."

"Well, "said the barber, "actually I make little charge for cutting it. What
you're paying for is my searching for it!"

[admin]

While at church attending Sunday services, an elderly couple had the
following whispered conversation.

"I just silently passed some gas, what do you think I should do?" asked the
wife.

He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."

[admin]

Seen on T-SHIRTS:

'Should I talk to the man in charge or the woman who knows what's going on?'

'You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.'

[admin]

On a beautiful summer's day, a father and his
eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the
river bank, looking up at the sky and watching the
wisps of clouds float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the
father and said, "Dad, why are we here?"

"That's a good question, Son. I think we're here to
enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all
its glory, etc., etc., etc., etc.... Does that answer
your question, son?"

"Not really, Dad. What I meant was, why are we here
when Mom said to pick her up over an hour ago?"

[admin]

Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they
can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish. :11:

[admin]

Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer
from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that
semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.

"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the
kitchen."

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes
first?"

To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"

[admin]

I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want
to move in with them.

[admin]

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right
now.'" - Kathleen Madigan

[admin]

"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the young man said
to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the
operator said. "Do you
have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said, "Well, most people just call me
Tyrone."

[Doraine]

:lol: :mrgreen: :wink:

[nomad]

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right
now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
They do come in handt for things lik that.:1:

[admin]

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.”

[nomad]

I was just sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

I don't know what got into me, as I'm not the type to start
a conversation in a men's restroom at a rest stop, but I
answered, somewhat embarrassed: "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking
this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just
traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another question: "Can I come over to your place
after a while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just
be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well, I
have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the
other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"This jokes great.I love it.Funny,funny,funny:11:

[admin]

A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm
threatened. As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy
waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"

[admin]

When I asked my sixth grade music class to name the groups of instruments of
the orchestra, one pupil listed strings, woodwinds, brass and persecution
instruments.

[admin]

During a storm, my wife's car became stuck in a snow bank. Our obstetrician
saw her spinning her wheels, trying to get out.

When he offered to help, my wife could not resist telling him, "Okay,
Doctor, now when I count to three, PUSH!" :11:

[admin]

Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."

[admin]

Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.

"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.

[admin]

One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"

As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."

[admin]

As a medical transcriptionist, I found the following statement in a report from a U.S. Department of Labor claims examiner: "The claimant was involved in an automobile accident while five months pregnant with a tractor-trailer."

[admin]

David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the

kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car." uh oh!

[admin]

Saul Estie was taking an oral exam applying for his citizenship papers. He was asked to spell "cultivate" -- he spelled it correctly.

He was then asked to use the word in a sentence. He brightened up and said, "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

[admin]

After receiving a lecture from my boss about paying attention to details, I decided to see if he practiced what he preached. When I prepared the payroll checks for the next period, I added two extra zeroes to my own paycheck. Then I brought the whole batch in for his signature. I stood at his desk and watched him write time and again, "Tom A. Grandel" and finish his signature with a flourish.

When he was done, he returned all of the checks to me for distribution. When I came to my own check, I saw that he had written on the signature line, "Try And Getit."

[admin]

Scientists are mapping the universe. Is anyone figuring out how we're going to fold that?