Laugh For Today

[admin]

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other
and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is
based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and
turns to the obituaries page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several
months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises
that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.

"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.

Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Brad. open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's
on page 31 that's so important?"

"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where
are you calling me from right now?" :D

[admin]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it
up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will
grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I
want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof!
There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears
in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right
here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari
appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible
to women."

Poof!

There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Yummy!!!

[admin]

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!" http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[admin]

My friend Judy was working at a Maine coastal resort when she answered a call for information about the inn. After finishing the conversation, Judy stepped away from the desk. When the phone rang again, a student intern took the call.

"I forgot to ask something." the caller said, "How are the rooms appointed?"

"Well, six of them are appointed west," the student said, "and the rest are appointed east."

[admin]

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, " Wedding cake." http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[admin]

A Texas Highway Patrol Trooper pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it had run through a stop sign.

The Trooper walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, may I see your driver's license and proof of insurance, please?"

The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on PAL, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and proof of insurance immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me what's the big difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The seasoned Trooper had enough, and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that!" At this, he opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat the living snot out of the driver with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down Š or come to a complete stop?"

[janbear]

Message
bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 2:18 pm Post subject: Humor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go
to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor
directed his comments and questions to my son.
When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?"
Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote
out a prescription and handed it to me.
Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.
Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual
food drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled
statement, he showed me the label on the bottle.
As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take
with broccoli."

Received in email


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 2:18 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LITTLE PROBLEM SOLVER
One day while my daughter-in-law and I were chatting
on the phone, her 9-year-old son, Aaron, had a problem with
the VCR. Aaron is hearing-impaired and so he signed to his
mother that the VCR needed fixing. She, in turn, signed to
him that he would have to wait until she was finished talking.
Shortly after that my daughter-in-law's doorbell rang and she
hurriedly brought our conversation to an end.

She went to the door and there was Aaron. Knowing how
extended some of his mother's phone conversations could be,
he had gone outside and rung the doorbell. He had never heard
it in his life, but he knew how to use the device as a problem
solver.

-- Betty Sowder


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 2:19 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several
times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Sun Jan 08, 2006 10:44 am Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy took the chair at the barbershop.

"How would you like your hair cut today, son?" asked the barber.

"Oh, do it like you do Daddy's, with the big hole at the back."


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 4:53 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 4:53 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 2:13 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she
learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.
>From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in
her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there
sure are a lot of ways to spell ‘Nothing!’"


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!

[admin]

*Sleep Motivation*

An older man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

[bry]

Ole the Farmer

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota.

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs
the teat and pulls...the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs
another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I
yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.


Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

[admin]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening
weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available
all night. Would you care to select something from this
menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would
like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The
receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love
a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to
her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning,
Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at
the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs,
though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary
truthfully.

"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to
our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve
our service and would value your opinion," said the
receptionist.

"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out,
paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the
comment Mary had written. Here it is:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!''

[admin]

I was just sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

I don't know what got into me, as I'm not the type to start
a conversation in a men's restroom at a rest stop, but I
answered, somewhat embarrassed: "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking
this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just
traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another question: "Can I come over to your place
after a while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just
be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well, I
have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the
other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

[janbear]

Message
bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 11:08 am Post subject: Humor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Skill

"Hey, Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so, son. What is it you want me to write?"
"Oh just your name on this report card."


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!

[admin]

A guy complained to his buddy that whenever he argued with his wife,
she got historical. His friend said, "You mean hysterical." He said,
"No, historical. She dredges up the past and reminds me of every
time I've failed her in the past." :mrgreen:

[admin]

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out"?
:lol:

[admin]

After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky,, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start over again!"

It worked. :mrgreen:

[admin]

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco and the plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re- board in one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman . Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell that he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Now picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story....Have a great day and remember... Things aren't always as they seem.
:lol:

[admin]

A butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.

The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.

He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc.

When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable parts.

At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them...

Moosellaneous.

[admin]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years ... say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Of course I am, but you started it."

[admin]

The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, MD, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of our guides, Dave, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double-take at Dave in his 18th century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"

[admin]

I am very tall and always get three questions wherever I go: How tall are you? What is your shoe size? and Do you play basketball?

I finally figured out how to answer the first question; I tell them I am 5 foot 17.

About half my questioners are unable to properly calculate the normal formulation. :mrgreen:

[admin]

We spent the day moving from our farmhouse into a new house in town. Very early the next morning, our 5 1/2 -year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us. About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"

[admin]

After taking a tour of a winery in New Jersey, our group waited patiently to get to the wine-tasting counter. That was not easy, since a man ahead of us was hogging all the samples as well as the attention of the salesperson.

Finally it seemed that he was winding down, as he asked the salesperson, "What should I take back to my snobby friends in California?"

That's when my wife said, "How about the bus?"

[admin]

What do you call a retired boss?
Anything you want. :mrgreen:

[admin]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off.

[admin]

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

[admin]

A dentist asked his patient, "Would you help me? Could you give out a
few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

His patient, "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
"There are too many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want
to miss the 5 o'clock football game."

[admin]

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!" "That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?" "Just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"
"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied.
The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy-dog!"

[admin]

*Wire Backup*

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.

With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."

**Must be a blonde. :mrgreen:

[admin]

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 26 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we made a deal with each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

[admin]

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a tiny piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

[admin]

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

[admin]

A young couple lived in a town filled with crime.

After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.

"Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"

The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home.

Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.
The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.

"Karate, my butt!" the husband yelled.

He is still in the hospital.

[admin]

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered,

"A lawyer!"

[admin]

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions...

[admin]

During a storm, my wife's car became stuck in a snowbank. Our obstetrician saw her spinning her wheels, trying to get out.

When he offered to help, my wife could not resist telling him, "Okay, Doctor, now when I count to three, PUSH!"

[admin]

Louis was talking with his friend, Max. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky," he says, "and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me."

"That's wonderful," replies Max.

"Yes, and that's how we go through life ... doing nothing for each other." :11:

[admin]

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly
that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what
should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her
flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment
for a home--cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a
date for a week later. His mother called the day after
the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."

[admin]

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop
sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold.
Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him.
He began a terrific struggle and had to be
tranquilized by the medics.

Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he
struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then
nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a
huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing
in front of the 'S.'"

[admin]

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot! :11:

[admin]

Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One
night an owl called back to him.
For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a
log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species
communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbour.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbour replied, "so does mine."

[admin]

While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of
giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room
to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO,
THANK YOU!"

[admin]

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across
a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket
showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember
which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade
ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to
look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought
they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

[admin]

MATH SYMBOLS
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>)
and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what
these mean?"
A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means
fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"

[admin]

Billy was in a store with his mother when he was given a stick of candy by one of the clerks.
"What do you say Billy?" said his mother.
"Charge it," he replied.

[admin]

A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting. "Did you see the
shot fired?"
"No sir, I only heard it."
"Stand down, said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value."
The witness turned around in the box to leave, and when his back was turned to the judge
he laughed loudly and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the witness
back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh at the court.
"Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked the witness.
"No, but I heard you," retorted the judge.
"That evidence is not satisfactory, Your Honor," said the witness respectfully.

[admin]

LOST IN TRANSLATION
A Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon he
was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be
translated by an interpreter sentence by sentence. "Well," he began, "I just want you to know
that I'm tickled to death to be here."
A look of agony appeared on the interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in halting
Chinese, "scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you."

[admin]

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on
the telephone. Not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but
because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number
and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her
stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on
the family telephone.
Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.
"Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your
own telephone"?
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

[admin]

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.
"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face
southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn,
I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
"Sure!" The doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands ... get a job!"

[admin]

AT A SUPERMARKET, I overheard two women talking in the next aisle. "Horace and I have been
together ten years now and he makes me very happy," one said. "So I don't mind buying him what
he likes even if it is more expensive."
"Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He's just plain fussy," her friend replied.
I turned into their aisle. Both women were loading their shopping carts with high-quality
cat food. :27:

[admin]

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub -- I'm dwowning!

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Maida.
Maida who?
Maida force be with you!

[admin]

My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers
park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight and walking toward the beach, the locksmith picked
the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.

[admin]

Ever notice , the older we get, the more we are like computers?
We start out with lots of MEMORY and DRIVE;then we become outdated and
eventually have to have our parts replaced.

[admin]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. .

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOODNESS! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! .

We need more butter. Oh my GOODNESS! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry ac ouple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

[admin]

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We
ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we
called the customer support phone number we found in
the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man
answered the phone and I explained the problem to
him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused
us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should
do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you
please put your mommy on the phone?"

[admin]

Mama's Answering Machine

Hello. This is your Mother!

If you want my advice:
PRESS 1

If you want to argue:
PRESS 2

If you want to leave a message:
WAIT FOR THE TONE

If you want to aggravate me or borrow money:
HANG UP!

*********************

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not
she'd have children if she had it to do over again.

"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

[admin]

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill
is one year old."
By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read:
"Happy Birthday."

[admin]

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special. $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special,
please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am."
He grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the
back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down
the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money,
and asks for the $99 special.
She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current,
she eventually catches up with the first blonde.
They float side by side for awhile before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on
this cruise"?
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

[admin]

My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you
how to drive?"

[admin]

WHILE IN COLLEGE, I took a telephone-solicitation job in the evenings, starting at six o'clock.
On my very first call, I reached a woman who said she was busy, but would call me back later.
"I'm so sorry," I said, "but we're not allowed to take incoming calls."
"Don't worry, dear," she replied. "Just give me your home phone number and the time you
have dinner."

[admin]

First husband: Last night my wife dreamed she was married to a millionaire.
Second husband: You're lucky. My wife thinks that in the daytime.

[admin]

Knock Knock! Who's There?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben wonderin' what you're up to!
and...
Knock Knock! Who's There?
C's
C's who?
C's the day!

[admin]

An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being
president of the United States.
After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen. One
of the students raised her hand, "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean
section that you can't be president?"

[admin]

First Guy: "Is your wife outspoken?"
Second Guy: "Not by anybody I know of."

[admin]

DURING OUR VACATION at a dude ranch, my wife told the wrangler that she was
an experienced rider. When the spirited steed she'd been given started to bolt, she
dropped the reins and hung on for dear life.
As the cowboy caught up to her, he shouted, "Why are you holding on to the
saddle with two hands?"
"Because I only have two hands!" she yelled back.

[admin]

When Mary was pregnant, her five year old, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little
bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy.
So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny
hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick.
But when he did, the baby was suddenly still.
"Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother.
"A nap"? Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too"?

[admin]

Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."

Doctor: "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

[admin]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church!

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen" :eek: :wink: :11:

[admin]

Two birds are sitting on a perch.
One says to the other, "do you smell fish?"

[admin]

The story is told that . . .

In 1951, Red Skelton and a party of friends flew to Europe, where Skelton
was to appear at the London Palladium. As they were flying over the Swiss
Alps, three of the airplane's engines failed. The situation looked very
grave and the passengers began to pray. Skelton went into one of his best
comic routines to distract them from the emergency as the plane lost
altitude, coming closer and closer to the ominous-looking mountains. At the
last moment, the pilot spied a large field among the precipitous slopes and
made a perfect landing. Skelton broke the relieved silence by saying, "Now,
ladies and gentlemen, you may return to all the evil habits you gave up
twenty minutes ago."

Received in email

[admin]

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

"But where are the glaciers?"

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

[admin]

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes."

I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.

Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"

[admin]

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

[admin]

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on her rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."

[admin]

After breaking my ankle in a skiing accident a couple of weeks ago, my doctor advised that I relax a bit and work from home. But since my home includes a kitten, I am far from relaxed.

See, I'm used to office environments where my supervisor looks over my shoulder while I work, but I've never been in an office before where your supervisor literally climbs onto your shoulder, meows into your ear, watches your every move intently, and occasionally bats your keyboard to add more mistakes.

Actually, come to think of it, that sounds like EVERY office I've worked in.

Never mind ....

[admin]

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

[admin]

"I fall in love really quickly and this scares guys away. I'm like, 'I'm in love with you, I want to marry you, I want to move in with you!'

And they're like, 'Ma'am, just give me the ten bucks for the pizza and I'm outta here.'"

--Penny Wiggins

[admin]

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

[admin]

"Marriage is a rough thing because you've got to open yourself up, take somebody into your private areas, your little cavern that only you have been in, so they can go, 'This is a mess.'

'That's my emotions, honey.'

'Well, rearrange it, so it suits me'"

--Warren Hutcherson

[admin]

The thunder god went for a ride,
upon his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor!" he cried.
The horse replied,
"Then uthe a thaddle, thilly." :11:

[admin]

At a laundromat in Tokyo, instructions on the machines read:

"Push button. Foam coming plenty. Big Noise. Finish."

[admin]

I remember standing at quarters one morning whilst stationed aboard the USS Adroit. Lieutenant Montgomery was doing the muster.

"JACKSON?"

"Here!"

"KIBBEY?"

"Yo."

"STEPHENS?"

"Present, sir."

"SEEBACK?"

Nothing.

"SEEBACK?!"

Still nothing.

"DAMMIT, SEEBACK!"

As the division Chief, I whispered into the Lieutenant's ear, "Sir, turn the paper over."

[admin]

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply ... and we will have the proof we need to nail him."

[admin]

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used it.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

[admin]

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are out driving, when suddenly, Dracula jumps onto the windshield of their car.
"What shall we do?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Turn the wipers on" says Sister Helen. "That will get rid of him!"
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he hangs on.

"What now?" she asks.
"Switch on the washers! I filled it up with Holy Water," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but still hangs on.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross!" says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Hey you (&%#&^%! Get the #$&!% off our car!!!"

[admin]

an in-house tech ...

While visiting a network user's office to install a small program, I had the following conversation:

User: "Can you answer a question?"
Me: "Sure."
User: "See the recycle bin thingie?
Me: "Yes ..."
User: "Does someone come round and empty it?"

[admin]

My husband built a magnificent doghouse for our lab and had called me at
different stages of its construction to admire it.

When it was completed, he asked me to help him move it. We picked it up, and
discovered we couldn't get it out the basement door.

[admin]

The captain had executed a few maneuvers that had never been taught at the
Naval Academy. Angrily, the admiral in charge of the fleet flashed a quick
message to the captain, saying, "You are the dumbest, most ignorant,
absolutely idiotic sailor ever put on God's blue ocean!"

When it was delivered, the captain told the radioman to read it to him. The
radioman hesitated. The captain insisted. The radioman coughed and read the
degrading message in front of a whole bridge full of officers.

Without skipping a beat, the captain covered for himself, saying, "Take that
below and have it decoded!"

[admin]

A fisherman accidentally left his day's catch under the seat of a bus. The
next evening's newspaper carried an ad: "If the person who left a bucket of
fish on the No.47 bus would care to come to the garage, you can have the
bus."

[admin]

I taught a "gifted and talented" class made up of particularly bright
fifth-and sixth-graders. In the midst of a lesson on the power of
observation, I realized that I was wearing two different styles of shoes.
Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, I moved behind my desk and
concluded the lesson from there, thankful that the students didn't seem to
have noticed. The next day, I discovered that my lesson had been learned all
too well. Before me sat a class of bright, smiling students -- each wearing
mismatched shoes.

[admin]

Two-by-Fours

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in
the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a
minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After awhile, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna
build a house."

[admin]

A friend and I are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, I noticed a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," I said
sadly.

My friend stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

[admin]

Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice
clean margins on student papers.
One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine.
When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said,
"Maybe next time you will do butter."

[admin]

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."

[admin]

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers: an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese.

He says to the Irishman - "you're in charge of Sweeping, I want this whole area swept up before I get back".

He says to the Italian - "You're in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away."

He says to the Chinaman - "You're in charge of supplies. Now make sure that all gets done before I get back."

Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The Irishman says, "I couldn't find a broom. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared." The Italian adds "And I couldn't find a shovel".

So the foreman starts walking around and looking for the Chinaman.

Just then, the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams "SUPPLIES!" :mrgreen:

[admin]

Instructions on chopstick wrappers:
"Tuck under thumb and held firmly. Add second chopstick hold it as you hold a pencil. Hold first chopstick in original position move the second one up and down, now you can pick up anything."

[admin]

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me 2 hours to finish my soup!" (uh oh)

[admin]

For my two co-workers, the new mother and the mother-to-be ...

"Everyone I know is having a baby and I'm childless. They all have these incredible stories and everything I do in comparison seems inconsequential. They say, 'Well, I was in labor for eleven hundred hours. I had the baby out in the woods. And now I'm back at work full time and I'm breast-feeding.'

"I'm like, 'I bought a new skirt.'"

--Caroline Rhea

[admin]

Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town. I wanted to learn everything “country” so that I could fit in. As I was searching for “Widow Jones’” farm, I got lost on the back roads. I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.

He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me how to get to the Jones’ farm. “By the way,” I asked, “Do you know what time it is?” He leaned in to the udder of the cow and said, “12:30.”

I started to leave but I just HAD to know. I told him, “Hey, I’ve just moved from the city and I really want to know the ways of the country. How could you tell what time it was?”

“Sit right here on this stool, son.” I did.

“Now, grab hold of that udder.” I did. (Before this, my closest experience to this was grabbing a milk carton).

“Now lean into the cow and lift up on the udder.” I did.

“Lean over and look right over there on that wall. See that’s a clock. When the little hand is on the 12...”

[Doraine]

:lol:

[admin]

A little boy was riding the elevator at a breathtaking speed to the 40th floor
of a skyscraper. With eyes as big as saucers he asked his father, "Daddy, does God
know we're coming?" :11:

[admin]

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" :11:

[admin]

"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire, or
block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?" - Erma
Bombeck

:117:

[admin]

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For bathroom
facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it
was hot in the summer and cold in the winter, and it stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek, and the boy determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
decided that today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he
got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek
and floated away.
That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing he was in
trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the
outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy nodded meekly. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read
in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't
get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that
cherry tree!"

uh oh :11:

[admin]

One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As
a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's office.
Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and
asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"

"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much
'friendlier' than that can she get?"

Source: Marty's Joke of the Day

[admin]

In the mood for joking, a vacationer strolled over to a farmer working in a
field and asked, "Did you happen to see a wagonload of monkeys go by?"

"Nope," replied the farmer. "Did you fall off?" :11:

[admin]

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the
way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

[admin]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!" :mrgreen:

[admin]

A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair
well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale restaurant. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid
eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,
takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

[admin]

After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."

"Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."

[admin]

I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.

She asked, "Do I click the square?"

I said, "Yes."

She asked me, "Single click or double click?"

[admin]

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said,

"God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the chuckles from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark,

"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Can you imagine!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me,

"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said,

"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already." :169: 169

[free2bunme]

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."

Awwwww ..... out of the mouths of babes ....so sweet

[admin]

I HAD BEEN POSTED to a small Air Force radar site. One Friday after finishing my
paper work, I leaned back and propped my feet on the desk. Just then the captain came
into my office. "Sergeant," he snapped, "sitting like that shows the troops poor military
bearing and image!" Then he said, "Come with me. The commander wants to see us."
When we arrived at the colonel's office, he was leaning back with his feet propped up
on the desk. I glanced at the captain and whispered, "Well, sir, would you like to tell him,
or shall I?"
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by SSgt. Dennis J. Jurko

[admin]

I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with
their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in
her basement.

"Leave a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement to your
backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it."

An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. "Now I have TWO skunks
in my basement!"

From: The Reader's Digest

[admin]

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

[admin]

Bubba and Earl were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

[admin]

My family went to eat at a buffet-style restaurant. After we had gone through the serving line, our waitress asked if everything was okay.

"Everything but the peanut butter," answered our son, Artie, 8.

We didn't know what he was talking about, until we realized he had taken a big scoop of liver pate, thinking it was peanut butter! :25:

-- Loretta Latta

[admin]

My friend Maxine and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Maxine's mother was very skeptical until Maxine said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Maxine's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

[admin]

An American couple visiting a German village stepped into a small shop to look for souvenirs. The woman sneezed.

"Gezundheit!" said the clerk

"Charles," said the American woman to her husband, "we're in luck. There's somebody here who speaks English."

[admin]

A couple of real knuckleheads were out hunting in the woods when they lost their way. One of them, Stanley, had read that when lost, you should fire three times into the air and help will come.

So he did just that - he fired 3 times into the air.

Nothing happened.

An hour later he fired three more times.

After another hour, his friend told him to try a third time.

"Okay," said Stanley, "but we're almost out of arrows."

[admin]

Doctor's Toast

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

[admin]

MY GIRLFRIEND took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl
watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming each time, "Mommy, you look
beautiful!" A woman in the next dressing room called out, "Can I borrow your daughter
for a moment?"

[admin]

WHEN I WAS 28, I was teaching English to high school freshmen in a school where
occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I
donned a sweatshirt and slacks. A student came in and his eyes widened. "Wow!"
he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look twenty, maybe
even thirty years younger!"

[admin]

CLIMBING THE WALLS
With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic
youngsters.
When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.
I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing
their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.
"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls,
I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
We kept the same girl for the next two years.

[admin]

Some like it cold, some like it hot.
Some freeze while others smother.
And by some fiendish, foul plot,
They usually marry one another.

[admin]

Son to his father as they watch television; "Dad, tell me again how when you
were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the
channel."

[bry]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you
are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong
and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a
Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in
a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this,
and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what
are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated .
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Have a good day.

[admin]

:38:

I have seen that before but it always makes me laugh. :lol:

[Cindi R]

:lol:
She just had to ask!
I've heard it before, too...but it's still a good one!

[admin]

A man had just finished reading the book Man of the House
while riding the commuter train home from work.

When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked
directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he
said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral
director is my guess." :11:

[admin]

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become
when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all
over the room. "A football player," "A doctor," "An
astronaut," "The president," "A fireman," "A teacher,"
"A race car driver." Everyone that is, except Tommy.

The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and
still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to
be when you grow up?"

"Possible" Tommy replied. "Possible?" asked the
teacher.

"Yes," Tommy said. "Mom is always telling me I'm
impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be
possible."

[flickchic]

Bry I love your joke share and Tammy the one re hubby reading the book 'Man of the House' is quite classic!!!!:29: :wink: great way to begin the day!! :11:

[clean42day]

need a laugh? hold on to your side

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
>
> Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
> meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
> roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
> relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more
> curious.
>
> Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester
> started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the
> eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what yo u must be
> thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
>
> About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
> came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
> You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but
> I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
>
> Dear Mom,
>
> I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
> saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
> one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
>
> Love,
> Brian
>
> Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
>
> Dear Son,
>
> I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you
> "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was
> sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
>
> Love,
> Mom

:wink: moms are smart like that :lol: they set you up so you hang yourself:mrgreen:

[admin]

I SPENT SEVERAL YEARS as a submariner, and while at sea we would have a celebration
halfway through a patrol. On one such night, the captain, who was serving dinner to the crew,
tried to put some vegetables on a recruit's plate. The young seaman wouldn't take them.
"With all due respect, sir," the recruit said, "I don't eat them for my mother, and she
outranks you."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform"

[admin]

A "GUNG-HO" CAPTAIN, I was assigned to the military training center at Lackland
Air Force Base. Once an airman walked into my office unannounced. "Haven't you been taught
respect for officers?" I barked. "Go back outside, knock, and wait for me to tell you to enter!"
She didn't come back, but ten minutes later my sergeant, who had office privileges,
walked in. "Aren't you coming?" he said. "I sent someone to get you. The staff is gathered
next door with a cake for your birthday."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform"

[admin]

We were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR class I teach. "Don'ts"
include a man reaching into his pants pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is
very distracting. To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, "I need
a man with coins in his pocket."
What I got instead was a girl yelling out, "Honey, so do I!"

[admin]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is... "

[admin]

Your Village Called, Their Idiot Is Missing.

[admin]

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb and Yahoo."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

[admin]

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven
and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

[admin]

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.

The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

[admin]

My sister brought her daughter a really nice Spinet Piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.

"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," my sister answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."

[clean42day]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
children,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was

"DON'T!"

"Don't what? "
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?

We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit",said God.

"Why ?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!"
God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it,don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2 Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3 . Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you
In fact,they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

[admin]

"Karen, do you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair.

But your husband is still alive.

I know, but his hair is gone.

[admin]

A three-year-old gained an interesting perspective on birth. His mother was
pregnant and so was the family dog. So the father thought it would be a good
time to explain where babies come from. The boy stood wide-eyed and watched
the birth of the puppies.

Months later, on the day of delivery, the child went to the hospital to
visit his mother. As he looked at the row of babies through the nursery
window, he asked, "Are these all ours?"

[admin]

My daughter had absentmindedly left her sneakers on our kitchen table.
"That's disgusting," my husband grumbled. "Doesn't she realize we eat off that
table?" Then he went out back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left
to do my grocery shopping. When I came home I couldn't set my bags down
anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a car muffler.
--Contributed to "Life in These United States" by Kathrine Horgan

[admin]

On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home from a
baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh, Dad, you shouldn't have
to mow the lawn on your birthday."
Touched, I was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should
wait until tomorrow!"

[janbear]

My daughter had absentmindedly left her sneakers on our kitchen table.
"That's disgusting," my husband grumbled. "Doesn't she realize we eat off that
table?" Then he went out back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left
to do my grocery shopping. When I came home I couldn't set my bags down
anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a car muffler.
--Contributed to "Life in These United States" by Kathrine Horgan

Sounds like something my hubby would do

[janbear]

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!

[admin]

When I walked into the bathroom to put away towels, I discovered the light bulb had burned out. It wasn't real dark so I went about my business, forgetting to change the bulb.

Later, when my 5-year old daughter, Nicole, went into the bathroom and turned on the switch, she came running and exclaimed, "Mommy, come quick, we ran out of electricity in the bathroom!"

[admin]

There were three men who, when they came off of the ship from Europe in the early 1920's and as they were going their separate ways, all agreed to meet up again thirty years later to see how they all turned out.

1950's: All three men showed up at the now-dilapidated port.

The first one, Sam Goldstein said, "Ven I came to America, I vasn't sure vat I vas going to do, so I looked at my name, and I saw 'Gold'. So I invested in Gold, and boy did I make a fortune!"

The second one, Herbert Silverstein said, "Ven I came to America, I too vasnt sure vat I vould do, like Sammy, I looked at my name, but I didnt see Gold, I saw 'Silver', so I invested in Silver, and boy did I make it big!"

The first two then looked at the third man and said, "Nu, Schneider, vat about you? Vat did you do ven you came to America?"

Schmele replied saying, "In Europe, I vas a Tailor, and I vas a very, very good one. After 3 days open in Manhattan and no business coming, I turned to God and I said 'God, if you make me successful, I will make you a partner with me.'"

The first two looked at the third and said, "So, vat happened?"

Schmele responded, "You never heard of Lord & Tailor?"

[admin]

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.

One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

[admin]

I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night." As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked, "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?" I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes, and I could tell he was in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our back yard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."

[admin]

One day I overheard my daughter talking with her mom.

"Mom," she said, "suppose you were walking along and all of a sudden a bear came out of the woods and started chasing you. What would you do?"

"Well, I'd run, I suppose" her mother replied.

"But what if there was a big ditch on one side of the road and a high wall on the other side of the road and the only building around was a church full of people?"

"I'd run into the church, of course," Mom replied without hesitation.

"MOTHER," my daughter scolded in mock horror, "You'd really go to church with a bear behind?" :11:

[admin]

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St.Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . .. .for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. Also, "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[admin]

I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying
out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat
hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed
it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.

Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise
visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he
said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"

[admin]

In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two

bestsellers the person in front of me was prepared to purchase:



"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."

[admin]

The three B's of public speaking are: Be brief, Be interesting, Be gone.

The three S's of public speaking are: Stand up, Speak up, Shut up, Sit
down.

[admin]

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry,
we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb and Yahoo."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day
I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical
plastic sucking device with that?"

[admin]

A salesman, trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, was meeting with considerable
sales resistance.
"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.
"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow."
"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

[admin]

I had recently moved from a big northern city into a rural area in the deep south when one of my neighbors struck up a conversation with me about how I was enjoying the change.

"Well, it's very nice," I replied, "but it sure is a lot to keep up."

"You oughta git yourself a paramour."

"A paramour?" I said, taken aback. "What would my wife say?"

"Well, shoot," my neighbor replied, "why should your wife care how you cut the grass?"

[admin]

My friend and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the
instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of
this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in
calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples
are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid
thirty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the
forbidden treat.

>From the back of the room a small voice spoke up: "I'll give you forty cents
for it." :11: :lol:

[admin]

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought
she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient
son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you
mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."

[admin]

"Watch Out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck, his tire is wobbling."

The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel.

The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing on the CB "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.

"Because," her long suffering husband replied, "I'm married."

[admin]

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what I like best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

>From => Clean Laffs

[admin]

Since spaghetti is now 'pasta' and a TV set is a 'home entertainment system,' the manager of my grocery store did his best to jazz up the lowly egg.

He still has some work to do. A sign he put up in the dairy section advertised "Boneless Chicken."

[admin]

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

>From => Clean Laffs

[janbear]

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.



say that real fast :mrgreen:

[admin]

I HAD forgotten to get my estrogen-patch prescription re-filled, and soon the symptoms
of menopause-hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability-returned. At the drugstore, I found myself
telling the pharmacist all about my problems. After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how
many people asked you to get this refilled?" :11:

[admin]

When I was stationed at an Air Force base in California, the technicians who took identification card photos were apparently fed up with complaints about the quality of the IDs.

This sign was posted where it could be seen by everyone coming in for a new ID card:

"If you want a better picture, bring a better face!"

[admin]

A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real!

He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls,"He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "You think YOU'RE lost!"

[admin]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!" :11:

[admin]

Trying to control my dry hair, one night I treated my scalp with olive oil before I washed it. Worried that the oil might leave an unpleasant odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night as my husband and I got into bed, I was still a little unsure, so I asked him, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he replied, after sniffing me, "do I smell like Popeye?"

[admin]

One day I decided to take my three children to an ice skating party in
a nearby town, but after several wrong turns and stops to ask directions, I
pulled over to the side of the road and suggested we all ask God to help us
find the rink. When we finally arrived, we were nearly an hour late.
The following week, as we got into the car to go skating again, my
five-year-old son exclaimed, "Mom, let's pray now and save time!"

[admin]

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An
elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and
praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around
and gave her a high-five! :11:

[admin]

Our kindergarten class went to the fire station for a tour and some
instruction in fire safety. The fireman was explaining what to do in case of
a fire.

He said, "First, go to the door and feel the door to see if it's hot." Then
he said, "Fall to your knees. Does anyone know why you ought to fall to our
knees?"

One of the little tykes said, "Sure, to start praying to ask God to get us
out of this mess!" :D

[admin]

On a recent visit, my mother was handed a furiously scribbled page of
crooked lines by granddaughter Aubrey.

"Here, Grandma, look what I wrote," Aubrey said proudly.

Grandma peered at the unintelligible lines. "Very nice, Aubrey. What does it
say?"

Aubrey shrugged, took the paper, and went to find her mother. "Mommy," she
whispered anxiously, "Grandma can't read!"

[admin]

Well-known for his competency and ingenuity as a carpenter, my husband was
fixing our cottage dock. He removed his watch and placed it on the dock so
it wouldn't get wet. To make sure it wouldn't fall into the water, he
decided to anchor it around a nail. He held the nail against the wood in the
center of the band, and with one deft blow he smashed his watch to pieces.

[admin]

If you wait long enough in an airport terminal, you may see some sights that
may seem weird, wacky and offbeat. Speaking to Delta Skycap, Nathan, I
happened to get one of these stories from him about a dog.

"It seems one traveler to Chicago had his hands full trying to coax his
German shepherd to enter the portable kennel- cage. The poor guy repeatedly
held open the door, but his "Mr. Brown" refused to co-operate. Their
wrestling match continued, eventually to the point of drawing the attention
of an amused audience on the terminal sidewalk. The traveler would no sooner
get the dog's head inside than when he let go of the front end, he couldn't
reach the backside quickly enough to push. By that time, "Mr. Brown's" head
was already extracted."

"Someone in the crowd stepped forward and asked, "May I help you?"

"The frustrated dog owner was more than happy to oblige. "If you think you
can get him in the case, just tell me what the trick is!" he answered in a
whipped tone of voice."

"The friendly stranger came up and petted the German Shepherd, quietly
making friends with the disturbed animal. "You won't have to do anything."
he replied. "Just keep that door open and I will handle it quite well, thank
you."

"This friendly man stooped over and grabbed the dog's hand legs, lifting
them off the ground. He then used them like wheelbarrow handles and steered
the "Mr. Brown" right into the cage. The maneuver seemed like something he
had done many times before. Then the happy owner slammed the door shut,
without any further ado. "

"It was over! Several onlookers in the crowd clapped in surprise and
appreciation. And an overworked pet owner now was thanking the stranger for
his unexpected help."

Nathan, the Skycap, grinned as he finished his story. "I've never seen that
kennel act before or since." he said. "I have wheeled in many a pet, but
that's probably one of the most surprised dogs I have ever taken into the
airport."

By Chaplain Shields Moore

[admin]

It was hot outside, but it was even hotter in the restaurant. I was serving
tables when a customer stopped me and asked if there was anything I could do
about the heat. I told him I'd see. Just as I was going to the manager, the
automatic sprinkler system came on; a fire had started in the kitchen. As
everybody got up to leave, the same customer caught my eye and gave me a
wink. "That's not quite what I had in mind," he said.

[admin]

A breakdown patrol man managed to get a stranded woman's
car started by using her dog.

Juliette Piesley, 39, had changed the battery in her electronic key fob but
was then unable to start her car, reports the BBC.

When AA patrolman Kevin Gorman arrived at the scene, in Addlestone, Surrey,
he found the immobilizer chip was missing.

Ms Piesley said her dog George had eaten something, and realizing it was the
chip, he put the dog in the front seat and started the car with the key.

Mr Gorman said: "I was glad to get the car started for the member.

"They will now have to take George with them in the car until things take
their natural course. It is the first time that I have had to get a dog to
help me to start a car."

[admin]

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them. Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

[admin]

EVERYTHING FROM SCRATCH
A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went,
then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her.
"Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked.
"It's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married."
"Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?"
"Scratch," she replied.
"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"
"No silly," she replied brightly. "My husband told me that his mother made everything
from scratch, so I need to find some!"

[flickchic]

:eek: :lol:

[admin]

Many years ago, my father was visiting America from Europe, for the very first time. He said he wanted to go with me to the supermarket, so I invited him along. As he went up & down the aisles with me, at the local Giant Food Store, he constantly asked me questions about products he saw.

"Vas dis?? Powdered orange juice??" asked my dad <pointing at Tang>.
I said, "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange drink."

A few minutes later, in a different aisle, dad blurted out, "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?" <pointing at a box of Carnation>.
I said, "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have milk!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle, my dad yelled out, "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder!! Vat a country, vat a country!"

[flickchic]

:297: :296:

Yep I liked this one!!!!!!:lol::lol::lol:

[admin]

Trust me, tight-fit jeans and loose-fit skin are one bad combination.

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time.

Ever feel like you've had too much coffee? Me neither.

[flickchic]

:11: :mrgreen:

[admin]

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with
her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for
my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she
exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go
to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf,
an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her
husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his
dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling,
this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You
can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her
husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all
horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the
cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food
every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play
bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel
while he was licking himself." :27:

[admin]

I took a part time job as an opinion poll caller. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Good afternoon, this is a telephone poll."

The man replied, "Yeeeah, riiiiight and this is a street lamp!" :11:

[admin]

During a flood in the Kentucky lowlands, one family sent its little boy to
stay with an uncle in another part of the state, accompanied by a letter
explaining the reason for the nephew's sudden and unexpected visit.

Two days later the parents received a telegram: "Am returning boy. Send the
flood." :mrgreen:

[admin]

As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old
daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At
one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out
two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your
fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the
room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said,
"What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?" :25: :11:

[admin]

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of the
items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony
arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the
drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the
people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked
across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's
office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell
you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

[admin]

Drew and Timmy were brothers. One day Mom and Dad had to go into town, and
Dad told Drew, "While we are gone I want you boys to clear away the dirty
dishes, clean your room, and mow the grass."

When they returned nothing had been done. Dad was very upset. He asked Drew,
"What have you been doing while we were gone?"

Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."

Dad then turns to Timmy and asks, "What have you been doing?"

Timmy replied, "Helping Drew."

**Sounds like my kids.

[admin]

Personal AD
Eighty year old man looking for female companion:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let's get together. 987-456-7766

[admin]

ONE day a young man came up to my window at the bank and whispered, "Please deposit this hundred dollars in my savings account." I handled the transaction and whispered back, "Have a good day."

He started to leave but changed his mind. "I'm sorry we have to whisper," he said, "but if my car knows I've deposited money, it'll break down again." With his finger to his lips he tiptoed out.

[admin]

A FRIEND of mine spent two weeks touring the West with a Boy Scout troop. They were in a bank cashing checks, and one boy was having trouble because he had lost his wallet. He still claimed he had identification, but he didn't want to show it.

The pretty, young teller insisted, so the Scout leaned forward and whispered in her ear. She motioned for him to come behind the counter. My friend, who was tall enough to see over the counter, saw the blushing boy tug out his shirt tail, fold his belt over in back and then pull up the label on his underwear to show his name neatly printed there.

The teller cashed his check.

[admin]

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation:

"Removed bowling ball from trunk".

[admin]

A vaudeville routine used by Harry Vokes and Hap Ward way back in 1902, went
like this:

'Where did you get those pants?'
'Pantsylvania.'
'The coat?'
'North Dacoata.'
'The Vest?'
'Vest Virginia.
'The collar?'
'Collarado.'
'The hat?'
Manhattan.'

[admin]

David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family car privileges to stay out on her own. On Saturday night she returned home from a party very late.

The next morning her father went out to retrieve the Sunday paper and came back into the house frowning. Shortly thereafter the girl sleepily stumbled down the stairs for breakfast.

"Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?" her father inquired.

Looking a little nervous, she replied, "Not too late, Dad."

"Well then, that's that," her father deadpanned, "I'll have to speak to the paper boy about leaving our Sunday paper under the front wheel of the car."

[admin]

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a
face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage
items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are
from the Piedmont Hotel."

He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."

[admin]

We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.

One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.

Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."

And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."

[admin]

Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?"
One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there."

[admin]

While my third-grade class was completing a writing
exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell
"piranha."

I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the
dictionary to solve his problem.

That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why
bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it
anyway."

[admin]

WE VISITED our son during his boot-camp training at Lackland Air Force Base in
San Antonio, Texas. While we were there, he took us for a grand tour of the base. At each
intersection, he would stop and look both ways before crossing the street. Impressed, I said,
"The Air Force has accomplished in a few short weeks what I couldn't do in 18 years." "Mom,"
he replied, "they don't use the same language you did!"

[admin]

My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't understand what
we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband
and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle. An aggressive young woman banged into
our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup.
Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy is she r-u-d-e!"
"Yeah," he replied, "but I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l."

[admin]

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going
to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy:

Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can
see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later)
Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because
he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy
some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions
this time).

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught
today in school, she must not have one! :D

[admin]

A husband, wanting to prove to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, "What?

[admin]

Hiking In The Woods...
Three men are hiking through the woods,
and they come to a raging river.
The water is so deep and so fast
that it seems impossible to cross. The
first man offers a prayer, "Please, Lord,
give me the strength to cross this
river." The Lord decides that this is
a reasonable request. A cloud settles
over the man, and when it lifts, he
is taller, with legs like tree trunks
and massive arms. He struggles to cross
the river, and after 4 hours, he makes it.

The second man offers a prayer,
"Please, Lord, give me the strength and
ability to cross this river." The
Lord decides this is a reasonable request;
a cloud settles over the man, and
when it lifts, he has massive arms, and
there is a rowboat next to him. He
struggles across the river, and after 3
hours, he makes it across.

The third man offers a prayer,
"Please, Lord, give me the strength, ability
and wisdom to cross this river."
The Lord decides this is a reasonable
request; a cloud settles around the man,
and when it lifts, he has been changed into a
woman. She looks at a map, walks 100
yards downstream, and crosses the bridge!!

[admin]

Miss Horn was very overweight, so her doctor finally prescribed a strict regimen, telling her it was the only way to avoid serious health problems in the future.

"I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day, drinking only water. Repeat this three times, and by the time I see you next Thursday you'll have lost at least 6 pounds."

The patient promised to obey, and when she showed up for her next appointment the next week, she was almost 15 pounds lighter.

"Excellent progress, Miss Horn!" enthused the doctor. "And you lost all this weight simply by following my instructions?"

Miss Horn nodded. "It wasn't easy, though, Doctor," she admitted. "On the third day I felt like I was about to die!"

"From hunger, huh?"

"No, no!" she replied. "From skipping."

[admin]

Still not grasping just how important hockey was to my new husband, I plunked myself down next to him on the couch while he watched a game and began to chat. After being shushed a few times, I gave him a "look".

Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized. "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk -- I'll just turn up the volume."

[admin]

My English teacher announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is 'gross' and the other is 'cool'."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"

[admin]

Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you deliver it filled with water?"

Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!"

After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"

[admin]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[admin]

Because I had forgotten the dates for the birthdays and anniversaries of a
number of my friends and relatives, I decided to compile a list on the
computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was
turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program
that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one
where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and
anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied. :11:

[admin]

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready - all dolled
up, cat put out, etc.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots
back into the house.

Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they
were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to
the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi, and said "Sorry I took
so long, the stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

[admin]

After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain
announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight
293, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we
should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and . . . OH, MY
GOD!"

Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to
you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"

Overhearing the noise, one first-time flyer yelled, "Yeah, well you should
see the back of mine!"

[admin]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.



Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.



John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.



The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."



John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what that poor, frozen turkey did?"

[admin]

Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner
at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the
table as the food was being served. When little Logan
received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded
him.

"I don't need to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer
before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is
Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

[admin]

My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football
game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle,
the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer
called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and
innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"

[admin]

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

[admin]

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Which reminds me: Hubby and I were riding over in town one day when a car flew past and hubby said, "Did you see that idiot?" I just couldn't resist so I said, "No, I didn't see them. I was too busy looking at the one driving the car I'm in." :lol: :neutral:
--bluidkiti

[admin]

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

[admin]

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

[admin]

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

[admin]

I was taking a shower when my two-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look at it.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -- wearing nothing but a camera! This is one holiday greeting my family will never forget!

[admin]

Out shopping, my friend Darin noticed a mother with three little girls and a baby. The woman's patience was wearing thin as all the girls called "Mama" while she tried to shop. Finally, Darin heard her say, "I don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes."
A few seconds went by, then one girl tugged on her mom's skirt and said, "Excuse me, miss."

[admin]

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town. Very early the next morning, our 3 1/2 -year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy! Mommy!" he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"

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he restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."

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Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

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A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'he!!,' and you say 'a$$', OK?"
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5-year-old what he wants for breakfast
"Awe he!! Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your a$$ it won't be Cheerios."

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While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

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Nancy's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.
His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?"
She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help."
His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a DOCTOR in there, too?!"

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Bumper Sticker: 'Don't lend money to friends. It causes amnesia.'

The food in the hospital was so bad I asked to be put back on the
intravenous feeding.

Church Bulletin Blooper: Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At
the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men
as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last
house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her
what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

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The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year old son came into the kitchen where the family had gathered.

"That bread smells about done, don't you think, Mom?" he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine.

A little later as he passed through the kitchen again, I heard, "Mom, I really think that loaf is done. I think you should check it."

Always quick to my defense, our 13-year old daughter said, "Eddie, Mom's been burning that banana bread for 20 years, now. I think she knows when to take it out."

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"If you accidentally eat plastic fruit, do you throw up that wacky fake vomit?"

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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo for the trip to the airport after one of his mission trips, the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," he said, opening the door, "but would you please take your seat so we could leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that!" protested the driver. "I could lose my job! What if something were to happen?"

"I understand, my son," cooed the Pope, "and I wouldn't want you to worry, so I'll certainly make it worth your while. What do you say?"

Reluctantly, the driver handed over the keys and climbed into the back of the limo. Everything was fine until the limo exited the parking lot and reached the expressway to the airport. The Supreme Pontiff then floored it, hitting 105 on the limo's speedometer, much to the horror of the driver.

Sure enough, they soon heard the sound of sirens and the driver was certain he was going to lose his license and his job. The Pope pulled the vehicle over and rolled down the window as the policeman approached, but as soon as the traffic cop saw who was driving, he retreated to his vehicle and got on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher. Soon the Chief came on the channel and the officer told him he'd stopped a limousine traveling at over 100 miles per hour.

"So bust the driver," replied the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that. He's pretty important."

"All the more reason!" the Chief exclaimed.

"No," says the traffic cop, "I mean *really* important."

"Who ya got there," asks the Chief, "the mayor?"

"Bigger."

"The Governor?"

"Bigger," says the cop.

"Well, who, then?"

"I think it's God!" the officer stammers out.

"What makes you think it's God?" the Chief asks.

"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly; he in the upper bunk and she
in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted. :surprised:

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At an immunization clinic the nurse entered the examining room to give the five year old girl a shot, The little girl started shouting, "NO!! NO!! NO!!"

"Mandy," scolded her father. "That's not polite behavior."

With that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU!!! NO, THANK YOU!!!"

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As part of the examination, the professor required that students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance during the exam. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, one student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

As he turned in his exam, he asked the professor if that meant he should not sign the form. The professor looked over the student's answers, and told him, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

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Every time I left to attend a parenting meeting, my seven-year-old daughter asked where I was going. I explained I was going to learn how to be a better mom.

On the evening the meeting was to be held in my home, she watched me prepare coffee for the guests. She asked who'd be coming, and after I told her the names of the ladies, she said, "Aren't there any moms who know what they're doing?"

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After recently moving to a new city, I was eager to meet new people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman at the Gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one; not the fat one."

After a slightly uncomfortable silence she said, "And that's my husband; the fat one!" uh oh

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During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from
crying---until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother
had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently
touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's
tears flowing.

After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told
her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied,
"but I was just checking his pulse."

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While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared
to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces.
He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't
think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

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A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said
that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.
The caller said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have
reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you
like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "You didn't
get my E-mail?"

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An 80-year-old man was walking down the sidewalk one day and saw a little
frog sitting on the ground.

The frog looked at the old man and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess." Without hesitation, the old man picked up the frog and
put it in his shirt pocket.

The frog was alarmed and said to him, "Why haven't you kissed me?"

"At my age," the man said, "I'd rather have a talking frog!"

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Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.

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I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way
around pretty well.