relationship in recovery

[KeepComingBack]

my wife and I are both in the program. I have more time and smoetimes i feel that she is barely making any commitment to her program. I want her to be able to empathetic and compassionate with me but sometimes it just gets messed up and I get dissappointed.

My sponsor told me to say the prayer
"god grant me the serenity to accept the PEOPLE that I cannot change, the courage to change the PEOPLE I can and the wisdom to know that it is ME.

I am learning to accept her for the way that she is. I wish that she would be more into the program but I know that is for her to get. after all, know one could have convinced me to become more into the program. I had to learn that for myself.

Please post your suggestions. I REALLY need the lift.
KCB

[BIG AL]

ME AND MY WIFE SOBERED UP SHE WAS 1 MON TH BEHIND ME AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS DOING IT WRONG.AND DIDNT DO ASA MUCH AS ME.BUT ALL I DID WAS PUSH HER FURTHER AWAY FROM THE PROGRAM.MY SPONSOR TOLAD ME TO STAY OUT OF HER PROGRAM ITS NOT MINE AND DONT TRY TO SPONSOR HER.ITS TOUGH BUT U CAN WORK THREW IT MY OPINION LIVE AND LET LIVE.BE AN EXAMPLE FOR HER AND STAY SOBER.MY WIFE STILL SOBER AND IS STILL 1 MONTH BEHIND ME :D AND IT HAS BEEN 5 YRS,WE NEED TO WATCH OUR EXPECTATIONS OF PEOPLE BECOUSE THEY WILL ALWAYS LET US DOWN.I HEAR YOU ABOUT ACCEPTING HER THE WAY SHE IS I HAD TO DO THAT WICH WAS HARD BECOUSE I EXPECT SO MUCH OUT OF MYSELF I PUSH THAT ON OTHERS.IM THE DIRECTOR THE BIG BOOK TALKS ABOUT I PLAN AND SET UP AND CONTROL AND WHEN THE PLAY OR PLAN DOESNT GO OFF LIKE I PLAN I ERUPT.ONE THING THAT DID HELP IS ME AND MY WIFE STARTED PRAYING TOGETHER AT NIGHT WHEN WE LAYED DOWN AND IT DID MIRICLES IN OUT MARRIGE OUR HOME AND WITH OUR KIDS HOPE I HELPPED BE BLESSED.OH I STILL MISS THE MARK AT TIMES BUT IM A WORK IN PROGRESS

[sioux]

I have a different take...I am one year ahead of my spouse. For years he abandoned the Program, meetings, sponsor, reading...the whole thing. I progressed, he digressed. There came a day when I told him either start applying the Program in your life the way it was designed or we are splitsville forever.

He did, and he is like a newcomer at times, and it is indeed frustrating, but much better than living with someone that had nothing but "sodryity."

I do have expectations of my spouse's committment to recovery. Without it, we will not be together. I cannot live my life with someone that is drinking or not drinking, and engaging in all the behaviors that go with that nonesense.

Good news though...we now shout slogans at each other

[gettinfree]

This really hits home to me...Just divorced my wife of 18ys last summer. We meet in early recovery. We were active in recovery together for at least 10 yrs. We both left the program about 8 years ago. She returned to drinking and druging 2yrs ago. I joined her with some pot about 1 yr ago. It went down hill rapidly from there. I fell apart emotionally. I returned to recovery 4 1/2 mo ago. She's still out there going down...Mike

[KeepComingBack]

I think the thing that is really weird is that she has been to a couple of rehabs and admits that she is an addict an alcoholic but I have to stay on top of my own sobriety first. Yesterday we got in an argument and she was sticking to her guns and getting angry but later that night she apoloized after we went to a meeting together.

someties I feel like the codependency is crazy. she feels. i feel. i feel. she feels. we are not even responding to what we actually are. One couples counselor in recovery said that the best way to love her is to let her do things for herself and that has helped me because i dont feel responsible for what she does and her program. she has to be responsible for her program and i have to take care of my program.

I could use as much advice as possible

KCB

[paulm]

Siox, you have had to put to practice what most people would give for a suggestion.
"Get with the program or get out". not many could take those measures to protect their own recover, Kudos to you, I guess. I don't think I could do it, unless of course I was so sick of her that she took the option to leave, and spare me the job of letting her go.

KCB, I don't envy your position, if it's any help at all here's my story.. my parents are both 18 years in recovery, yes all three of us cleaned up right around the same time, hit meetings together from day one that Dad and I decided to join Mom. So, my mother was the first one, got sobered up in AA about 19 yrs ago, but smoked dope for first 9-10months. Bottom line is She didn't leave us for the parties we threw her first year not drinking, nor did we abandon her because we put down everything and she continued to spark up for another 3-4 months.. No one way is right, you have seen all ends of the spectrum just from the few posts already, and have enough information to let you know your not unique.
only suggestion I have is counseling, if you have difficulty communicating together, honestly , about how this stuff affects you. My mother does a tenth of the meetings now that my father does, and makes nearly a fraction of the commitments and conventions he does as well, nor does she have a consistant relationship with her sponser, nor does she sponser anyone that I'm aware of. I couldn't not drink or get high if I didn't have the fellowship in my life routinely, and have ample opportunities to share the message. I gotta stop, I feel I'm being a cyber hog, I hope you get something from my experience.

[KeepComingBack]

thanks paulm
she has a habit of making meetings intermittently but i hope that she will get the program i know that if i pray for her happiness and dont carry a resentment around it for me then i wont get gdrunk

KCB

[shrubbery]

I wish my wife were still alive to argue with ...
I got clean (worked the first step on 12.20.93) and have continued (with God's mercy and the fellowship) to remain clean for 5498 days currently. But
here is just my experience:
My wife spent the last 7 months of her life trying to get the program and all
but 74 days were spent in recovery sites (none court enforced) with the last
few days spent as an outpatient. She was a L.S.W. here in Pittsburgh. I had
less than 80 days clean and had worked the 3rd step on Wednesday. On Thursday she reveiled in her journal and to her therapist she was again thinking of suicide. Friday morning she said goodbye for the last time as she
left to visit her brother. Saturday, (after her NOT coming home) I did the laundry, visited my therapist, saw my sponsor and started calling her friends.
I found her dead in a hotel room less than a mile from my home.
I attended 24 funerals as a pall bearer my first year and 28 total funerals, 7 in March 1994, 7 in June thru July and 7 again in September.
No matter how difficult it is to keep my clean date; as long as I am alive and
have a Higher Power in my life I can prevail against anything.
The POWER Behind me is ALWAYS ALL WAYS STRONGER than ANY THING
in front of me.

Love all others while you have them; we manifest different levels of sickness and recovery through the moments and opportunities of our lives

Much love and hope

[KeepComingBack]

I have to admit that I am really only looking at this site intermittently but each time i check there is always comeone will ing to bare their soul. I have learned that so much in my relationship is really not about my wife but it actually about me. I can change me.

This morning we got into an argument (a little)

1) I got up early to do some cleaning and I get into this hypomanic thing and look internally preoccupied.
2) she reacts to my "look" and asks me if i am angry
3) I get irritated because i feel that she should be able to read my mind (reidiculous isnt it)
4) she responds defensively to my irritated look
5) i actuallly get angry but keep my feelings to myself because i am tying to avoid conflict
6) she starts getting irritated
7) I expect her to understand me ( i have issues about not being heard, codependecy and havnig boundariy issues)
8) i start catastrophizing
9) we both lose...

instead i tried this...
I have to admit that I am really only looking at this site intermittently but each time i check there is always comeone will ing to bare their soul. I have learned that so much in my relationship is really not about my wife but it actually about me. I can change me.

This morning we got into an argument (a little)

1) I got up early to do some cleaning and I get into this hypomanic thing and look internally preoccupied.
2) she reacts to my "look" and asks me if i am angry
3) i realize that she is sick too as she is an addict and wants me to react the way she wants to and that she is getting better and is honestly less irritated than she use to be ...INSTEAD OF... I get irritated because i feel that she should be able to read my mind (reidiculous isnt it)
4)i dont react (restraint of pen and tongue) to anything that she does and slow my head down big time using prayer ...INSTEAD OF... she responds defensively to my irritated look
5) i pray for her happiness as i realize that she is sick and that she will get better and that she suffers just like me and wants to be loved just like me ...INSTEAD OF...i actuallly get angry but keep my feelings to myself because i am tying to avoid conflict
6) she doesnt get as irritated ...INSTEAD OF...she starts getting irritated
7) i set the boundary ...INSTEAD OF...I expect her to understand me ( i have issues about not being heard, codependecy and havnig boundariy issues)
8) i start catastrophizing
9) we both grow, progress not perfrection...INSTEAD OF...we both lose...

KCB

[Red A.]

I want her to.... Man does that phrase jump out at me.:eek:

[BIG AL]

ME 2 RED A