shydawg
01-09-2009, 03:59 AM
Kevin L. shares his experience, strength and hope
« on: August 24, 2008, 01:52:11 AM »
There I was, about 6 weeks past the 2nd
anniversary of my clean date, in my apartment on
the outskirts of Spokane, curled up on the floor,
sobbing uncontrollably, as miserable as I had been
at any point in my using years, & wondering what
went wrong.
Of course I didn't get there overnight, it had
been a process. The process had begun at about
1 year clean. For that 1st year I had followed most
of the suggestions of my sponsor, & the NA
literature, Went to a lot of meetings, done my step
work (1st 3 steps, & started 4), gotten involved in
service, made regular prayer & meditation a
priority.
I had however held on to some key
reservations, I had held onto some of the
playmates playthings, & playgrounds, thinking that
I was an exception, I was in a relationship with
someone who was using, & then, (against my
sponsor's advice) I took a job in Spokane at 18
months clean.
Once in Spokane, I began fixing myself with
other things (working 84 to 90 hrs a week), didn't
make time for meetings (probably made it to 6 or 7
the entire 6 months I was there), the prayer &
meditation slowed down & then stopped, contact
with my sponsor slowed way down, mostly
because I didn't like hearing that I was walking on
dangerous ground (after all, I had my addiction by
the ass & I was sure that I wasn't nearly as sick as
those other people in the rooms), & that 4th step
was sitting on a shelf collecting dust.
As the weeks went by, I obsessed more & more
on the job & the relationship, drawing farther away
from the program as I went, & becoming more
frustrated with the way both of those obsessions
were going.
Things continued in this fashion until I realized
on the day that I had 2 years clean, (at one of the
few meetings I went to), that I was the most
miserable addict in the room, & I shared that if I
didn't get back to doing the things I had been
taught, there would be no 3rd year.
I began hitting a few more meetings, when I
could make the time for them (still didn't get that
part about adjusting my life to the program stead of
the other way around), & I called my sponsor, &
began praying for guidance. Things started to get
a little better, but by not continuing with my step
work, I was not learning who I really was, much
less addressing any character defects, & it wasn't
to long before it all hit the fan, the lady I was in the
relationship with said she didn't want to see me
anymore, & a few days later I acted out on some of
those defects I hadn't even realized I had, much
less addressed, & got fired. So there I was in the
middle of the floor sobbing, completely consumed
in self pity, I felt like I was the most worthless piece
of s t on the planet.
I called my sponsor, & actually took his advice,
packed my stuff, & came home to Longview, & the
LCANA. Once home I started following my
sponsors suggestions, doing the things I had done
when I first got clean, & things began getting
better, I began to smile, I actually made the
decision to end that sick & dysfunctional
relationship, & just about that time my sister died.
It was at this point that I surrendered the rest of
the way, I blew the dust off of that 4th step, &
began writing (the pain of not doing it had finally
gotten greater than the fear of doing it), & it has
been onward & upward ever since.
When I was asked to write about hidden
dangers, I thought of this period because I had
flirted with a lot of them, the cockiness of thinking I
had this disease by the ass, the arrogance of
thinking I was not like the rest of you, the fear of
change, & the stubbornness that kept me holding
on to my reservations about play grounds,
playmates, playthings, the loneliness & boredom
that kept me holding onto a sick dysfunctional
relationship (better miserable than alone right?).
These are just a few of the hidden dangers, the
others? How about anything that hinders ones
ability to completely surrender to this life giving
program, or to feel gratitude for the god given
opportunity to try it?
« on: August 24, 2008, 01:52:11 AM »
There I was, about 6 weeks past the 2nd
anniversary of my clean date, in my apartment on
the outskirts of Spokane, curled up on the floor,
sobbing uncontrollably, as miserable as I had been
at any point in my using years, & wondering what
went wrong.
Of course I didn't get there overnight, it had
been a process. The process had begun at about
1 year clean. For that 1st year I had followed most
of the suggestions of my sponsor, & the NA
literature, Went to a lot of meetings, done my step
work (1st 3 steps, & started 4), gotten involved in
service, made regular prayer & meditation a
priority.
I had however held on to some key
reservations, I had held onto some of the
playmates playthings, & playgrounds, thinking that
I was an exception, I was in a relationship with
someone who was using, & then, (against my
sponsor's advice) I took a job in Spokane at 18
months clean.
Once in Spokane, I began fixing myself with
other things (working 84 to 90 hrs a week), didn't
make time for meetings (probably made it to 6 or 7
the entire 6 months I was there), the prayer &
meditation slowed down & then stopped, contact
with my sponsor slowed way down, mostly
because I didn't like hearing that I was walking on
dangerous ground (after all, I had my addiction by
the ass & I was sure that I wasn't nearly as sick as
those other people in the rooms), & that 4th step
was sitting on a shelf collecting dust.
As the weeks went by, I obsessed more & more
on the job & the relationship, drawing farther away
from the program as I went, & becoming more
frustrated with the way both of those obsessions
were going.
Things continued in this fashion until I realized
on the day that I had 2 years clean, (at one of the
few meetings I went to), that I was the most
miserable addict in the room, & I shared that if I
didn't get back to doing the things I had been
taught, there would be no 3rd year.
I began hitting a few more meetings, when I
could make the time for them (still didn't get that
part about adjusting my life to the program stead of
the other way around), & I called my sponsor, &
began praying for guidance. Things started to get
a little better, but by not continuing with my step
work, I was not learning who I really was, much
less addressing any character defects, & it wasn't
to long before it all hit the fan, the lady I was in the
relationship with said she didn't want to see me
anymore, & a few days later I acted out on some of
those defects I hadn't even realized I had, much
less addressed, & got fired. So there I was in the
middle of the floor sobbing, completely consumed
in self pity, I felt like I was the most worthless piece
of s t on the planet.
I called my sponsor, & actually took his advice,
packed my stuff, & came home to Longview, & the
LCANA. Once home I started following my
sponsors suggestions, doing the things I had done
when I first got clean, & things began getting
better, I began to smile, I actually made the
decision to end that sick & dysfunctional
relationship, & just about that time my sister died.
It was at this point that I surrendered the rest of
the way, I blew the dust off of that 4th step, &
began writing (the pain of not doing it had finally
gotten greater than the fear of doing it), & it has
been onward & upward ever since.
When I was asked to write about hidden
dangers, I thought of this period because I had
flirted with a lot of them, the cockiness of thinking I
had this disease by the ass, the arrogance of
thinking I was not like the rest of you, the fear of
change, & the stubbornness that kept me holding
on to my reservations about play grounds,
playmates, playthings, the loneliness & boredom
that kept me holding onto a sick dysfunctional
relationship (better miserable than alone right?).
These are just a few of the hidden dangers, the
others? How about anything that hinders ones
ability to completely surrender to this life giving
program, or to feel gratitude for the god given
opportunity to try it?