Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - January

[janbear]

Quote for 1/1/2009
Faith and Reason - When we feel our faith challenged, we may think, 'If only we could see God, we could be so sure.' DeSaint-Exupery said, 'It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.' Contrary to popular assumption, seeing is not believing. We believe only in that which we do not see. But of the two, which is the stronger, and which is most important to people? Thousands of people have given their lives for what they believe, but there is no record of anyone sacrificing his life for what he saw. A person who readily accepts martyrdom rather than deny the God in whom he believes has no trouble denying that two plus two equals four if this will save his life. While proven facts are important, they rarely inspire people the way belief does. Faith is an internal knowledge, a kind of intuition, a wisdom of the heart that is in some way superior to the wisdom of the brain. More people have been inspired to sobriety by faith than by scientific fact.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/2/2009
Don't Fight Success - Sobriety is not a philosophical concept. An attorney with twenty-five years of sobriety related how his first experiences with AA resulted in repeated relapses. He asked a seasoned veteran what he was doing wrong, and was told that his error was trying to understand the program. 'Just listen and do as you're told.' The young man was enraged and insulted. 'I am not an imbecile. I am a thinking person, and I must understand why I do something. 'I later reflected that all my understanding is getting me drunk, while this other person is staying sober. I therefore elected to experiment by listening and following instructions for just a short period of time, and here I am, twenty-five years sober.' It has been wisely said, 'Let no one be deluded that a knowledge of the path can substitute for putting one foot in front of the other.' Sobriety is achieved by doing, not by thinking.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/3/2008
Nobody's Perfect - The Twelve Step program states that the aim in recovery is progress rather than perfection. Some people insist on achieving perfection. These are usually individuals who have unwarranted feelings of inferiority . Because they consider themselves inadequate, they have extraordinary fears of failure. To avoid the devastation of failure, they try to be perfect. No one enjoys failing. Yet we know that life consists of both successes and failures, and all one can hope for is that our successes outnumber our failures. If we do fail, we are understandably upset, but we do not lose it all together. Failures are unpleasant, but they are not catastrophes. Insisting on perfection always backfires. In trying to cover every conceivable detail that might possibly go wrong, we exhaust ourselves, and the job doesn't get done. If we get to know our real selves, we will not have these feelings of inadequacy . We will then be able to adjust to reality by enjoying our successes and surviving our failures.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/4/2009
We Are Alike But Not the Same - We are not unique, yet we are unique. One of the pitfalls in recovery is the idea 'I'm different.' If we think that the principles in recovery apply only to others, and that we are exempt from following these because we are different, trouble is sure to follow. 'I don't need all those meetings. I don't need a sponsor. I can take an occasional drink. Yes, I am an alcoholic or addict, but I am different.' These ideas are guaranteed to result in relapse. Yet every person is unique. Our fingerprints are different, our facial features are different, our voices are different, and no two people think identically. The columnist George Will said, 'It is extraordinary how extraordinary the ordinary person is.' If a million keys are made of the same metal, they are all alike in substance, but only one will work in a given lock. As far as our addiction is concerned, we are all alike, and the rules of recovery apply equally to everyone. But as far as our mission in life is concerned, we areunique. 'I turn my life over to the will of God for me, because whatever He wishes me to do is my personal assignment. In that way I am extraordinary, and no one else can do that which I am supposed to do.' Being unique is a responsibility to be zealously guarded.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/5/2009
Get Sober: You Deserve It - Recovery must be for ourselves. A young woman was admitted for treatment of drug addiction. She had been abstinent on several occasions for a maximum of five months. 'I was sober for my parents, for my children, and for my friends, but I was never sober for myself,' she said, bursting into tears. It was not difficult to surmise why this woman had not been able to be sober for herself. This 'self' as she perceived it was not deserving of sacrifice. There was no reason to do anything for this 'worthless' self. Another young woman said, 'I gave myself totally to my children, but so what? A total gift of nothing is still nothing.' Self-esteem is pivotal in recovery. Not only will people with self-confidence have no need to escape from reality, but they will also endure any discomforts of abstinence for their own sake-just as many people are ready to do for the sake of others. One of the reasons sobriety for others' sake does not work is that others are not always around. In absence of the stimulus for abstinence, relapse may occur. The self, however, is always there, and recovery for oneself can be permanent.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/6/2009
Keep it Simple - People who have difficulty with the Twelve Step program are unusual indeed. Sometimes it requires an unusual mind to undertake an analysis of the obvious. What could be more obvious than, 'If you don't take the first drink you won't get drunk? ' What is there to analyze about this? A recovering alcoholic with forty years of sobriety was asked for his secret. His answer: 'Don't drink and don't die.' What could be more simple? Analysis means dissecting something into its component parts. We can only analyze something complex, because something absolutely simple doesn't have any components. A compound can be broken down into its elements, but an element cannot be analyzed. Imagine, then, the frustration we experience in trying to analyze the recovery program, one of whose axioms is 'Keep it simple!' The beauty of the Twelve Step program is its utter simplicity. Only an unusual mind would try to analyze it.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/7/2009
Miracles Can Happen - Higher Power awareness can occur in different ways. A recovering biologist said, 'I was looking through a microscope at a fertilized ovum, and it struck me that the only addition to that cell during the next nine months would be nutrients-proteins, fats, carbohydrates, and water-none of which can think or feel. Within this single tiny cell, then, lies the capacity of thought and feeling and creativity: to compose a great symphony, to write a masterpiece of literature, or to discover a li�e-saving procedure. It was at that moment that I discovered God. Strange, this never occurred to me all the years that I drank.' Miracles occur all around us. Nature is nothing but a series of miracles that occur with such regularity they are taken for granted. We can look at a phenomenon and easily recognize its miraculous character, or we can look at the regularity and conclude that things happen on their own. Chemicals result in the latter kind of thinking, whereas sobriety cleanses the mind and allows it to perceive the truth. Once we recognize the miracle of sobriety, it is much easier to see miracles everywhere.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/8/2009
Putting God in Charge - Why is belief in a Higher Power necessary for recovery? All challenges in life can be divided into three simple categories: I. those that are impossible; 2.. those that are possible for one to do unassisted; and 3. those that one can do with some help. People with inflated egos-who consider asking for help to be demeaning and an admission of weakness-dismiss the third group as nonexistent. For them, reality consists either of the impossible or that which they can do themselves. As a result, they either give up on things that could be accomplished with help or foolishly tackle things alone that are beyond their capacity. Enlisting the help of a Higher Power, whatever we wish that to be, puts reality back into proper perspective. This is an essential ingredient of recovery. Of course, when we accept this and relinquish the fantasy that we are our own highest power, the concept of God as I understand Him becomes feasible.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/9/2009
From Mirage to Reality - Addiction is a mirage; sobriety is real. A person who sees a mirage is certain of what she sees until she reaches it and discovers it to be nothing but a hallucination. The person who sets out toward sobriety may not see the goal, and may not even have a concept of what it will be like to be sober, but the goal is real nevertheless. A veteran recovering alcohol addict described the first steps in recovery as someone standing at a river's edge waiting to get across, and is told to start rowing. 'But there is no boat,' he protests. 'Never mind!' he is told. 'Just begin rowing. The boat will appear.' This may sound absurd, but what is meant is that when we begin working the program, we may have no idea of either the vehicle or the goal of recovery, but if we begin to make the effort, both will appear. We can well understand the anxiety and bewilderment at being told to begin rowing when we do not see a boat. But when scores of people assure us that as we begin to row the boat will appearand we can safely cross the river-and when such assurance is based on abundant personal experience-we gather the courage to begin rowing. The sobriety boat indeed appears.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/10/2009
Keep Your Mind Open - The mind is the essence of a person. Whereas we must remember our mistakes in order to rectify them, once we have taken adequate corrective action, the incident should be put out of mind. Ruminating on it constitutes reliving the experience. Two Buddhist monks encountered a woman who was unable to wade across a creek. One monk lifted her and carried her across. Sometime later his comrade asked, 'Why did you violate our rules and have physical contact with a woman?' The first monk replied, 'I put her down two miles back, but you are still carrying her.' Our minds are creative instruments by which we receive data, analyze them, synthesize them, and formulate what we wish to do. The mind cannot operate at optimum efficiency if it is encumbered by baggage of the past. Unpleasant events that linger have a negative influence on the function of the mind. A refusal to let go of the past impedes working with the present and toward the future. If any past actions have injured someone, we must indeed make amends, but then we must let go. Wherever our mind is, that is where our person is.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/11/2009
Living a Lie - Lying is as impractical as it is immoral. The human brain is a super computer. It has a vast memory bank that can store vast amounts of information. However, even this memory bank has its limitations. As with any computer, it is possible for its capacity to be exhausted. Facts require little retention. A tree was a tree ten years ago, is a tree today, and will be a tree ten years hence. Falsehoods, however, have no existence in reality, and must be retained in memory .A faulty memory will, of course, soon expose the false nature of a statement. Even if memory is intact, the storage of falsehoods occupies precious space where truth could be stored. Retention of these falsehoods will, therefore, diminish the brain's capacity to store useful information. While we may deceive another person with a lie, we cannot make constructive use of false information. Truthfulness cannot be maintained during active addiction. Excuses, cover-ups, and frank distortion of fact characterize addiction. Many recovering people have expressed a sense of relief that they no longer need to tax their memories. Some have said that the euphoria of early sobriety comes from casting off the burden of living a falsehood. To live a lie is not only unethical, but also stupid.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/12/2009
Grasp One Small Thing at a Time - 'One day at a time' is not an AA brainchild. Leonardo da Vinci, one of the world's geniuses, said, 'Small rooms or dwellings set the mind in the right path; large ones cause it to go astray .' Some two thousand years before da Vinci, the Talmud said, 'If you grasp a small amount, you will have it. If you grasp too much, you will have nothing.' Our eyes are often bigger than our stomach, and we take much more than we can possibly digest. On the other hand, we think something to be so enormous that we consider it impossible to conquer. Either way, nothing gets accomplished. The only proper approach to reality is to take bite-size portions. Then we do not take more than we can handle, nor are we frightened away from attempting to achieve. Sobriety is just one of many challenges to be taken in bite-size pieces. The proper amount for the average individual, regardless of the challenge, is 'one day at a time.'

[janbear]

Quote for 1/13/2009
Think Before You Make Your Move - 'Grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change.' How often do we wish that more situations were changeable! While many factors are totally beyond our capacity to change, there are things we can do to avoid situations becoming unchangeable. A rabbi who had difficulty impressing a person with the gravity of his behavior invited him to a game of chess. On several occasions the rabbi asked to retract a move, and the opponent granted the request. Finally, the latter's patience was exhausted. 'You can't keep doing that, Rabbi,' he said. 'Once you have taken your hand off the piece, the move is completed. It is final and irrevocable.' 'Exactly the point I have been trying to make with you, my friend,' the rabbi said. 'If a move in a mere game is irrevocable, how much more so are moves in life. Many of our actions are final, and we must give at least as much forethought to our actions in life and their consequences as to our moves in chess.' If what we are about to do may become unchangeable, how much thought have we given it be�ore doing it?

[janbear]

Quote for 1/14/2009
Avoid the Superficial - Outward appearances may be impressive, but they are not an indication of value. We are often impressed by what we see, and we may be envious of others. How surprised we would be to discover that those we envy may be envious of us! We are often dissatisfied by our lot in life because we compare ourselves to others. It has been said that if everyone's life were put in a see-through container, and we had the freedom to choose, we would all choose our own life. Roses are certainly prettier than cabbages and much more fragrant, but cabbages make far better soup. If all we want is color and fragrance, we should go for the roses. But then we must be ready to accept pretty, sweet-smelling starvation. The real values in life lie in substance and content, not in appearances.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/15/2009
Arrogance and Error - To err is human, but what about making a mistake? It is widely assumed that error and mistake are synonymous. It was, therefore, enlightening to come across the statement, ' An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. ' According to this, to err is human because no one is perfect. The same leniency cannot be extended to a mistake, because everyone has the capacity to rectify an error, or at least to try. Although we cannot justify a wrong act resulting from yielding to temptation,' there is at least a partial defense-that we lacked the strength to resist. However, once the act is over and the temptation has been satisficd, what defense can there be for not trying to rectify a wrong? The only obstacle is our ego, which may not allow us to admit having done wrong. Such arrogance is the worst possible character defect. In recovery we learn humility and the need to make amends, because both go together. If we can admit being in error, we can avoid all mistakes.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/16/2009
Don't Live Only in the Present - 'One day at a time' does not mean to live just for the present moment. Digital clocks have become very popular, perhaps because they represent a cultural attitude. The pointers on a clock's face indicate the present time, but the present and future can be seen as well. A digital clock has no past and no future, only the now. When society rejects the traditions of the past, and exploits natural resources so as to endanger its future, the concern is only with the present. Ours is a digital clock generation. Chemical addiction is just another manifestation of preoccupation with the present. Cherished values of the past are rejected and serious dangers for the future are ignored. The momentary high is all that counts. In recovery we discover how destructive this narrow perspective is, and we change our attitudes. What the world needs is a recovery program to overcome this addictive attention to the present.

[admin]

Quote for 1/17/2009
Learning From a Crisis - A crisis can be a stimulus for growth. One recovering person said, 'I have been twelve years sober and working the Steps has certainly rebuilt my self-esteem. But there are still times when I doubt myself, and the old feelings of insecurity and fear of failure recur. Will I ever get rid of them?' What I think happens can be demonstrated by folding a piece of cardboard, then unfolding and flattening it. Notice that the crease remains, and just a little pressure at this point will fold the cardboard again. A recovering person can overcome a negative self-perception, but a trace may linger. Even years later, when you are confronted with stress or a challenge, that self-doubt and fear of failure may be resurrected, with a risk of relapse. But even if you do not go back to chemicals, the phenomenon known as a 'dry drunk' can occur, with many of the behaviors characteristic of the active phase: depression, indecision, postponing, isolating, overcompensating, rationalizing, and projecting blame onto others. Crises may occur even after a long sobriety. While these are risk points for relapse, they can also be take-off points for character growth. At these times, you should increase attendance at meetings, contact your sponsor, and renew your work on the Twelve Steps-just as though you were doing it for the first time. The growth that is achieved can be most gratifying.

[admin]

Quote for 1/18/2009
Lectures Are Not the Answer - Extensive experience with alcohol can be useful in dealing with the recent increase in cocaine use. Cutting off the supply of cocaine is unreliable. Alcoholics will tell you that when their wives hid the bottles or poured out the alcohol, it did not stop their drinking. Showing young people the effects of cocaine does not work, either. How many people remember heading straight for the first bar after recovering from near fatal DTs? Many people have been threatened with loss of job, family, or driver's license, but threats do not work. No one gets lectured as much as the alcoholic, and lectures are not the answer. People who recover remember the moment of truth-when they became aware of their powerlessness and their willingness to turn their lives over to a Higher Power. It was then that their values changed---and they changed, too. If we expect people to avoid cocaine, we have to help them achieve a sense of living and a quality of life that will make cocaine use unnecessary and undesirable. The battle against cocaine is going to be a long and difficult one, and is going to require changes in the community , just as the family of the addict must change to participate in recovery . Our society must look not only at its habits of alcohol and drug use but also at its values for life. People who have recovered from alcoholism may be a great resource in defining these values.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/19/2009
Learn From Others' Hindsight - Many people get their priorities in order-too late. During my tenure as rabbi, I had many opportunities to be with people during the last few days of their lives. As they reviewed their lives some said, 'I really regret that I did not spend more time with my family .' Or 'I regret that I did not come to religious services more often.' Never did anyone say, 'I regret I did not spend more time at the office.' Not too often can we profit from our own hindsight, but we can certainly take advantage of other people's hindsight and use it as our foresight. In recovery from chemical dependency we have learned how unwise it is to favor immediate gratification over long-term consequences. If we put these two ideas together, we can live our lives in such a manner that we will have few regrets.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/20/2009
Distorted Judgment - How can we divest ourselves of resentment? If we think back on some of the things we did during active addiction, we find some regrets. We certainly did not intend the injuries that occurred. On some occasions we had been warned not to do something, but in our state of mind it appeared to be the right thing. Because our judgment had been distorted by chemicals, we did unwise things-not because we were bad, but because we did not know better. Use of chemicals is not the only way our judgment can be distorted. All kinds of ideas and emotions interact to bring about judgment. Many of the people who provoke us are acting under distortions of judgment. They may have no intention of harming or offending us. We feel sorry for them, just as we do for someone behaving destructively under the influence of chemicals. But if we can't manage to feel sorry for people who suffer from distortion of judgment, at least we can refrain from hating them.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/21/2009
Stay in Control - Surrender need not be a bad word. Some machines have both automatic and manual controls. If the automatic fails, the machine can be operated by manual control. Many people have an automatic control in the brain that shuts off the desire for mind-altering chemicals. For example, they will not take more than one or two drinks. But in other people, the automatic control is not operative, and they must use manual control. Our manual control system is ineffective. Most people are unaware of this because their automatic system functions well. But when it doesn't, and we try to use an ineffective manual system, trouble invariably results. If the automatic controls cannot be repaired, the only solution is to improve the manual. This is what we do when we join a recovery fellowship. We do not really give up control-we just improve whatever control is available. Surrender does not mean we must 'say uncle.' It means only that the automatic system is out of commission and we must strengthen the manual control.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/22/2009
Are You Open to New Ideas? - It is always possible to learn something new. Every day we are bombarded by new things. Yet if we were to reckon every night what new knowledge we acquired that day, we might be surprised to discover we learned nothing new. How can this be? If we are surrounded by knowledge, why can we not point to several new things we learned? There is only one answer: the knowledge was there but we failed to absorb it. We did not try to learn. Why? Probably because we feel we already know enough. ' A fool is better off than someone who considers himself wise'-Proverbs 26:12. A fool may be open to learning, whereas someone who thinks himself wise will never learn anything. People with years of quality sobriety state, 'There has never been a meeting at which I didn't gain something.' People who abandon the program say, 'There was no point in going to meetings. It was the same thing over and over again.' The former are open to learning, the latter are not.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/23/2009
Can You Be Alone With Yourself? - Solitude and loneliness are diametric opposites. Solitude can be pleasant. We may seek to be free of all distractions and pressures in order to be alone with ourselves, to relax or meditate. Solitude can be invigorating. It allows us to return to normal activities and associations with greater strength. Loneliness is painful, perhaps the most painful sensation known to humankind. Lonely people can be desperate and may take radical action to escape their loneliness. They invite distractions of any type to banish their feelings of loneliness. Many people have resorted to chemicals in order to escape from loneliness. The difference between solitude and loneliness is that in solitude we have ourselves and are comfortable being with ourselves. The lonely person has no self, or has a self that is despised. The lonely person cannot tolerate being with either a despised self or in a state of nothingness. Recovery and fellowship are effective not merely because they provides the companionship of other people. The recovery program helps us discover the true self - someone who can be not only tolerated but actually enjoyed.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/24/2009
Learning From Each Other - We need old friends to help us grow old, and new friends to help us stay young. Not too many people have the opportunity to befriend people of all ages. Young people tend to associate with their peers, and older folks with theirs. The latter may indeed grow old together, but depression sets in when the group thins out by attrition. The recovery program provides an unparalleled opportunity to avoid this. People of all ages attend meetings. And because it is generally the oldest members who have the most years of sobriety, young people are advised to seek their advice or engage them as sponsors. The young benefit from the experience and wisdom of the old. And the older people are rejuvenated by their association with the young, reliving experiences they had decades ago. The program is always replenished with newcomers. The old are always needed, and never outgrow their usefulness. Perhaps the program is not the proverbial fountain of youth, but it is certainly a far cry from a depressing assemblage of people who feel that life is behind them.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/25/2009
Dreamers and Doers - The Serenity Prayer is well formulated. It might have read, 'God grant me the courage to change that which I can and the serenity to accept that which I cannot change.' Note that acceptance of the unchangeable comes first. A recovering person remarked, 'Once I accept things as they are, I can create things as they might be.' Great inventors and explorers had dreams that led them to their achievements. Yet few daydreamers are inventors or explorers, because people who live in a world of fantasy, like James Thurber's Walter Mitty, cannot accomplish anything. It is only if we have a firm basis in reality, accepting it for what it is, that we can make changes. Columbus did not resign himself to a flat world. He had the courage to change attitudes, with the knowledge and skill to bring it about. That is how we must approach life.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/26/2009
The Treasure Within - If happiness is anywhere, it is within ourselves. There is a legend about a man who dreamt repeatedly that there was a treasure buried at the foot of a bridge in a distant city .He traveled to the city and, when he began digging, he was stopped by a police officer. When the man explained why he was digging, the officer laughed. 'How foolish,' ,he said. 'Why, I have dreamt that in a distant village there is a little hut under which is buried a huge treasure.' The man realized that this was his own hut, and upon returning home, dug and found the treasure. Our quest for happiness can take us to the four corners of the world, to different relationships, to various occupations-or to chemicals. Why engage in a fruitless search? Ask people who have tried everything, and they will tell you. We may be so busy looking for a treasure elsewhere that we fail to discover it where it really is-within ourselves.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/27/2009
The Emptiness of an Unexamined Life - Voltaire said that doubt is not a pleasant state, but that certainty is a ridiculous one. Voltaire was criticizing the person who refuses to submit to critical analysis. Although I am certain I write with a pen, I have no objection to anyone who wishes to examine whether it really is a pen. I do not object to this examination precisely because I am certain of the fact. However, there are certainties we refuse to examine-beliefs about which we are so positive that we do not subject them to critical analysis. But life is anything but certain. We are defensive and fear that such analysis will prove our belief to be untrue. The active addict refuses to submit to evaluation. He is certain he is not addicted. It is this kind of certainty that is indeed ridiculous.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/28/2009
Infantile Amusements - 'When I grow up, I want to be a child.' This statement was not made by a child, because children dream of becoming adults. It was made by a grown-up who recalled the freedom from worry and stress that characterized childhood. Children want to be big because they see themselves as tiny and powerless. Grown-ups have authority and power. Yet grown-ups crave the carefree spirit of childhood, and would gladly yield their greater size and stature to be free of the responsibilities and burdens of adulthood. While our intellect tells us that we can never be children again, our hearts long for the fabled fountain of youth. Our entertainment industry is nothing but a sophisticated version of childhood play. Our intellect must triumph, however, and we must assume the serious business of life. We can be amused and we can distract ourselves with entertainments, but these activities should not become our goals in life.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/29/2009
Can an Addict Be Honest? - For many people, truth is a virtue; for people in recovery,it is life saving. In addition to use of chemicals, addiction is characterized by certain behavior patterns, foremost among which is lying. No one has ever maintained truthfulness while being an addict. Just as the first drink or drug can be the beginning of a full-blown relapse, so can the first lie set the addictive pattern into motion. We must be as cautious about lying as we are about using a chemical. Lying can generally be avoided if we resolve never to do anything that we might later have to deny. This dedication to truthfulness yields rich dividends, because not only does it eliminate the need to lie but it also avoids doing things that we might wish to conceal. This is why the recovery program insists on rigorous honesty .It cites the 'inability to be honest' as the factor most responsible for a failure to recover.

[shrubbery]

Although I may trust Dr. Twerski's motives for much of what he does I need to remember that he is NOT an AA or NA member. He has said as much in many of the books and discussions he has. As such it is much easier for him to decry the honesty of someone who has been different and done things differently in their lives. He is a well spoken, well read, often read - frequently quoted founder of an established Organization here in the Pittsburgh community. I am as honest as I can be, without hurting anyone (including myself) watching my motives for honesty about others without sharing the mess not the message (not gossiping too ofter than HP). But to admit some things requires me to not be in a group setting but rather within a Sponsee/sponsor with a HP as a part of that setting. Otherwise my mess inside will not be of help it will only lead others to have more "gossip" to spread.

Peace

[janbear]

Quote for 1/30/2009
Turn Down the Volume - The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion. A politician had just finished his speech and left the text on the lectern. In the margin he had made notations to guide his delivery: 'slow,' 'gesticulate,' and so on. At one point there was a note, 'Argument awfully weak here. Scream like hell!' Good arguments do not require many decibels to be heard. The strength of an argument is enough to carry it. It is only when the argument is weak that we yell loudly, trying to impress others with sound what is lacking in content. For example, I have never heard anyone yell, 'I am an alcoholic.' But I have certainly heard very loud protests, 'I am not an alcoholic.' Attention to the loudness of an assertion can help us gauge its validity. Similarly, if you find yourself yelling, whether at home, at work, or with friends, pause and reflect. If what you're saying is really correct, there should be no need for screaming. Furthermore, if you are speaking in a loud and explosive manner, it deflects from your message. If you wish to be heard, speak softly.

[janbear]

Quote for 1/31/2009
Insults and Criticism - When is criticism constructive? Sometimes we point out a character defect or a mistake to someone, and all we really are doing is insulting or belittling the person. At other times, the same message is helpful criticism. How can we distinguish between the two, as both givers and receivers of criticism? There is a simple rule. If the person who criticizes is willing to help correct a mistake, it is sincere and constructive criticism. If the person just makes a critical comment and then walks away, it is an insult. Many people in recovery point out what you are doing wrong, but they are ready to take time and share their knowledge and experience so that you can rectify the defect or mistake. These are the people who should be heeded. But if someone preaches to you and walks away, consider what was said but do not consider this person a friend. If you find yourself tempted to point out to someone what he or she is doing wrong, stop and reflect. Are you willing to help correct that behavior? If not, hold your peace.