shydawg
01-18-2009, 04:15 PM
the disease of addiction"
« on: September 03, 2008, 06:29:52 AM »
The disease of addiction to me means doing something compulsive and not
being able to stop. That's just scratching the surface, to say the least. It
also means continuing something that's destructive to myself and others
around me, turning my whole world upside down, knowing the damage
being done, still going ahead with it, without the repercussions in mind. I
know it's bad. It's f$#@ing up my life, that it's a band aid solution, and I do
it. All I know is I want to stop. But I also want to stop feeling bad. I want
to love myself. I want to know what it is to really love. I want to feel confident
and glad to be alive today. I want to smile more often. I want to feel
solidarity with my fellow man and woman, not like an outcast. I want to feel
good at the meetings, not like the outcast among the outcasts. There's the
gist of it I think. These sentiments mirror (reflect I should say) the reasons
why I need to temporarily anaesthetize my pain. I also know now, with the
tools to help me recover from this sick behavior that using only makes
things worse. I end up broke, have lost my home and possessions and
ended up in jail time to time. I have also harmed friendships and missed
out on good relationships (and what could have been) had I not went back to
using or lying to them about it. I've stolen from friends and family and compromised
my integrity. I feel that my disease has become active again lately
as I'm coming to grips with the reality of staying clean and it hasn't been
easy. I've been bottling things up inside, isolating myself at night watching
s*&%$# dvds I've seen five times already. The passion for life and the outlets
I have seem to have less kick to them. I've been feeling like a failure,
and I don't want to feel like this. I know I'm worth it. But I tend to doubt
myself. Please God, Higher Power, whatever you want to call it, help guide
me through this. The thought of going through with this slow suicide once
again scares me to death. I want to live. I want to be that happy go lucky
guy that I know I am. I want to feel comfort. I don't want an easy way out,
but I don't want to suffer any longer. I want the music, which I believe to be
God's true voice, to help me find redemption within myself. I know that
embracing the day as all I need to stay clean. I'll be okay one day at a time
and that's straight dope. I can do it.
Anonymous
« on: September 03, 2008, 06:29:52 AM »
The disease of addiction to me means doing something compulsive and not
being able to stop. That's just scratching the surface, to say the least. It
also means continuing something that's destructive to myself and others
around me, turning my whole world upside down, knowing the damage
being done, still going ahead with it, without the repercussions in mind. I
know it's bad. It's f$#@ing up my life, that it's a band aid solution, and I do
it. All I know is I want to stop. But I also want to stop feeling bad. I want
to love myself. I want to know what it is to really love. I want to feel confident
and glad to be alive today. I want to smile more often. I want to feel
solidarity with my fellow man and woman, not like an outcast. I want to feel
good at the meetings, not like the outcast among the outcasts. There's the
gist of it I think. These sentiments mirror (reflect I should say) the reasons
why I need to temporarily anaesthetize my pain. I also know now, with the
tools to help me recover from this sick behavior that using only makes
things worse. I end up broke, have lost my home and possessions and
ended up in jail time to time. I have also harmed friendships and missed
out on good relationships (and what could have been) had I not went back to
using or lying to them about it. I've stolen from friends and family and compromised
my integrity. I feel that my disease has become active again lately
as I'm coming to grips with the reality of staying clean and it hasn't been
easy. I've been bottling things up inside, isolating myself at night watching
s*&%$# dvds I've seen five times already. The passion for life and the outlets
I have seem to have less kick to them. I've been feeling like a failure,
and I don't want to feel like this. I know I'm worth it. But I tend to doubt
myself. Please God, Higher Power, whatever you want to call it, help guide
me through this. The thought of going through with this slow suicide once
again scares me to death. I want to live. I want to be that happy go lucky
guy that I know I am. I want to feel comfort. I don't want an easy way out,
but I don't want to suffer any longer. I want the music, which I believe to be
God's true voice, to help me find redemption within myself. I know that
embracing the day as all I need to stay clean. I'll be okay one day at a time
and that's straight dope. I can do it.
Anonymous