dalin
01-21-2009, 02:22 AM
When I was introduced the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous back in May of 2000, I came for all
the wrong reasons. Although my life was in total shambles, I wasn’t willing to do anything about it.
I was introduced to NA by a couple of addicts that were doing H&I at the treatment facility I had
entered. I was bought to the treatment center following a suicide attempt. I didn’t really even
realize that I had a drug problem. I just thought that people just didn’t understand me. My family
had all but shut me out of their lives. I was having problems at work. I was in financial ruins, even
though I had a job, a roof over my head, a car to drive and so forth. I had such a spiritual void that
was unbearable. But still I didn’t realize that maybe drugs were a problem. After H&I came into
that treatment facility I started looking at my problem. After I got out I did go to some meetings.
But I did not have any willingness to do the suggestions that were given to me. I got a sponsor
only to be able to say I had a sponsor. I may have answered 5 questions on the first step. I wasn’t
willing to give up on the old people, places and things. I didn’t connect with the women of the
fellowship. And I didn’t consider alcohol a drug (I didn’t think I had a problem with alcohol and it
wasn’t a drug to me). I stayed around off and on for about 6 months, picking up white keys left and
right. Pretty soon I gave up and went back to using on a daily basis. The next 2 years of my life
were hell. When I finally had enough I sought the rooms of NA again. I got a sponsor, I did 90 in
90, started working steps, found a Higher Power, giving back by doing service work and started
working on myself. I had finally found the willingness to do something about my problem. I got
involved. My life started getting a lot better. But somewhere along the way I stopped having
willingness to do what was necessary for my recovery. I stopped doing H&I. I stopped working
steps diligently. I stopped going to as many meetings. I wasn’t willing to share my ES & H with the
newcomer. All of the things that brought me to place of serenity in my life, I lost the willingness to
do. I didn’t use at first but started slowly falling back into the old ways of my past. One day I
uttered the words that are so famous to addicts “F**K IT”. Before I knew it I picked up that first
drug. At first it was ok. But slowly and surely my life became a living HELL. I lost my dad in a fatal
car accident, and my life went downhill from there.
For me there is nothing as horrible for an addict that knows and lives recovery than to be back in
active addiction. My back was against the wall. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone and felt like I
couldn’t tell anybody. But one day the pain became so great that I had to do something. I finally
got honest and checked myself back into treatment. I learned a lot by going there. I was
humiliated when I walked in there, but in a few days I got back a taste of humility. I wanted what I
had had. I made that decision to be willing to do anything to regain my recovery. I went to a
meeting the same night I got out of treatment and picked up my white key tag. I totally
surrendered myself to the fellowship. And I got a whole lot of willingness. Today I know if I lose
that willingness I will head right back for a relapse. I know that I have to be willing in every area of
my life. Today I am clean. I have managed to put together a few days together. I know as long as I
stay willing to do the things that I need to do on a daily basis that I have a reprieve from a disease
that is so much greater than me, that wants me dead. For me, willingness is everything.
A grateful recovery addict, “Just For Today”,
Connie G
the wrong reasons. Although my life was in total shambles, I wasn’t willing to do anything about it.
I was introduced to NA by a couple of addicts that were doing H&I at the treatment facility I had
entered. I was bought to the treatment center following a suicide attempt. I didn’t really even
realize that I had a drug problem. I just thought that people just didn’t understand me. My family
had all but shut me out of their lives. I was having problems at work. I was in financial ruins, even
though I had a job, a roof over my head, a car to drive and so forth. I had such a spiritual void that
was unbearable. But still I didn’t realize that maybe drugs were a problem. After H&I came into
that treatment facility I started looking at my problem. After I got out I did go to some meetings.
But I did not have any willingness to do the suggestions that were given to me. I got a sponsor
only to be able to say I had a sponsor. I may have answered 5 questions on the first step. I wasn’t
willing to give up on the old people, places and things. I didn’t connect with the women of the
fellowship. And I didn’t consider alcohol a drug (I didn’t think I had a problem with alcohol and it
wasn’t a drug to me). I stayed around off and on for about 6 months, picking up white keys left and
right. Pretty soon I gave up and went back to using on a daily basis. The next 2 years of my life
were hell. When I finally had enough I sought the rooms of NA again. I got a sponsor, I did 90 in
90, started working steps, found a Higher Power, giving back by doing service work and started
working on myself. I had finally found the willingness to do something about my problem. I got
involved. My life started getting a lot better. But somewhere along the way I stopped having
willingness to do what was necessary for my recovery. I stopped doing H&I. I stopped working
steps diligently. I stopped going to as many meetings. I wasn’t willing to share my ES & H with the
newcomer. All of the things that brought me to place of serenity in my life, I lost the willingness to
do. I didn’t use at first but started slowly falling back into the old ways of my past. One day I
uttered the words that are so famous to addicts “F**K IT”. Before I knew it I picked up that first
drug. At first it was ok. But slowly and surely my life became a living HELL. I lost my dad in a fatal
car accident, and my life went downhill from there.
For me there is nothing as horrible for an addict that knows and lives recovery than to be back in
active addiction. My back was against the wall. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone and felt like I
couldn’t tell anybody. But one day the pain became so great that I had to do something. I finally
got honest and checked myself back into treatment. I learned a lot by going there. I was
humiliated when I walked in there, but in a few days I got back a taste of humility. I wanted what I
had had. I made that decision to be willing to do anything to regain my recovery. I went to a
meeting the same night I got out of treatment and picked up my white key tag. I totally
surrendered myself to the fellowship. And I got a whole lot of willingness. Today I know if I lose
that willingness I will head right back for a relapse. I know that I have to be willing in every area of
my life. Today I am clean. I have managed to put together a few days together. I know as long as I
stay willing to do the things that I need to do on a daily basis that I have a reprieve from a disease
that is so much greater than me, that wants me dead. For me, willingness is everything.
A grateful recovery addict, “Just For Today”,
Connie G