Raya
01-21-2009, 03:01 AM
Yesterday was a good day,
untill for some weird reason at night I was increasingly 'high-energy',
or manic, and couldn't get to sleep.
I had spent the whole day on the computer pursueing information surrounding this book I found which really offered me hope about my life's purpose, direction, and validated my strong desires to affect change in my lifetime.:15:
Some doctors have called this 'grandiose' theories, or grandiosity complexes.
I disagree.:rolleyes:
It takes one to change the world, and why not me?:D
...anyways... I digress.
So the point being I was pursueing possitive avenues, and searching links on my guardian angel...:18:
which I am just learning about the possibility, or rather probability of; I mean after all I've been through, something's gotta be watching out for me. I've done some pretty stupid things, inc. 26 heart stopping experiences. (OD's):25:
So after this super possitive day, I found myself unable to sleep :tongue:
and obsessed with pursueing my art and researching burseries on line all night. by the time I made it to bed, I felt like useing so strongly that I was running through scenerios in my head of what would happen if I stole my boyfriend's $
Wow!
From flying up on top of the clouds, researching angels, to wanting to grovel in the gutter with the junkies and flunkies!!
I'm not sure what's more scary, the global warming, or my own thoughts.:16:
Just when things are going well, gotta screw it all up.
Fear of success, or what?
Same goes for when I'm endureing hardship,
when things get hard, I end up picking up 'hard'!
You know, in that moment last night when I chose not to use, the only thing that I felt was stopping me, was the fact that I didn't have enough $ to get high, nor did I want the end result of looseing all that I have today with my partner, both his love, and material gains. Like this computer, internet, home phone, a TV, furniture, etc.
Without him I'd have nothing and still be living in a dealers house, crying while I stuff my face and being humiliated for the manner in which I use, eat, sleep... or I'd be on a street corner selling my soul for another fix.:2:
Sometimes, I delude myself though into thinking that I can handle that life.
That I can learn enough in recovery to go back out and apply a moderated drug use, or the whole 'just one night' thing comes into my mind.
The longest 'just one night' I had was 18mnths long, 1yr of which was spent in jail, 4mnths house arrest, and many beatings, arrests, and close calls with death. It also cost me the guardianship of my children.:8:
I ask myself, why, when I've lost so much to this disease, and active addiction, relapses and trying to live dirty, do I still contimplate, and even crave to use again.
When will it go away?
Does it ever?
The longest I've had clean was 21mnths and I was suffering from triggorsom, useing dreams for 3wks, dreams so vivid, where I would wake up right after haveing consumed, in the worst mannor I can conceive of; intraveinously.:frown:
I struggle so much with my desire to use being almost as strong, and sometimes stronger than my desire to stay clean.
Sometimes I'm not sure how I manage to persist.
I know at the times when I give up its because I don't want to fight anymore.
(My desire to use that is.)
So I give in to the inner 'dark passenger' and allow it to controll my life for as long as I can stand the concequences.:twisted:
If insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results,
then what is repeating the same misteaks, and not expecting any difference in results?:5:
Stupidity?:23:
Allas, this thread is long enough.
Not sure what I'll do with all this,
or where the message of hope in any of this is.
Perhaps its merely the therepeutic values of pain shared being pain lessoned.
:20:
untill for some weird reason at night I was increasingly 'high-energy',
or manic, and couldn't get to sleep.
I had spent the whole day on the computer pursueing information surrounding this book I found which really offered me hope about my life's purpose, direction, and validated my strong desires to affect change in my lifetime.:15:
Some doctors have called this 'grandiose' theories, or grandiosity complexes.
I disagree.:rolleyes:
It takes one to change the world, and why not me?:D
...anyways... I digress.
So the point being I was pursueing possitive avenues, and searching links on my guardian angel...:18:
which I am just learning about the possibility, or rather probability of; I mean after all I've been through, something's gotta be watching out for me. I've done some pretty stupid things, inc. 26 heart stopping experiences. (OD's):25:
So after this super possitive day, I found myself unable to sleep :tongue:
and obsessed with pursueing my art and researching burseries on line all night. by the time I made it to bed, I felt like useing so strongly that I was running through scenerios in my head of what would happen if I stole my boyfriend's $
Wow!
From flying up on top of the clouds, researching angels, to wanting to grovel in the gutter with the junkies and flunkies!!
I'm not sure what's more scary, the global warming, or my own thoughts.:16:
Just when things are going well, gotta screw it all up.
Fear of success, or what?
Same goes for when I'm endureing hardship,
when things get hard, I end up picking up 'hard'!
You know, in that moment last night when I chose not to use, the only thing that I felt was stopping me, was the fact that I didn't have enough $ to get high, nor did I want the end result of looseing all that I have today with my partner, both his love, and material gains. Like this computer, internet, home phone, a TV, furniture, etc.
Without him I'd have nothing and still be living in a dealers house, crying while I stuff my face and being humiliated for the manner in which I use, eat, sleep... or I'd be on a street corner selling my soul for another fix.:2:
Sometimes, I delude myself though into thinking that I can handle that life.
That I can learn enough in recovery to go back out and apply a moderated drug use, or the whole 'just one night' thing comes into my mind.
The longest 'just one night' I had was 18mnths long, 1yr of which was spent in jail, 4mnths house arrest, and many beatings, arrests, and close calls with death. It also cost me the guardianship of my children.:8:
I ask myself, why, when I've lost so much to this disease, and active addiction, relapses and trying to live dirty, do I still contimplate, and even crave to use again.
When will it go away?
Does it ever?
The longest I've had clean was 21mnths and I was suffering from triggorsom, useing dreams for 3wks, dreams so vivid, where I would wake up right after haveing consumed, in the worst mannor I can conceive of; intraveinously.:frown:
I struggle so much with my desire to use being almost as strong, and sometimes stronger than my desire to stay clean.
Sometimes I'm not sure how I manage to persist.
I know at the times when I give up its because I don't want to fight anymore.
(My desire to use that is.)
So I give in to the inner 'dark passenger' and allow it to controll my life for as long as I can stand the concequences.:twisted:
If insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results,
then what is repeating the same misteaks, and not expecting any difference in results?:5:
Stupidity?:23:
Allas, this thread is long enough.
Not sure what I'll do with all this,
or where the message of hope in any of this is.
Perhaps its merely the therepeutic values of pain shared being pain lessoned.
:20: