Boundaries and Codependency

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Boundaries and Codependency, Part I

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."1

Phil, a businessman, has gone bankrupt twice. As a result, he and Janet, his wife, have lost two homes. Both times, Janet worked hard to pay off their debts and rescue Phil.

Phil had also been involved in an extramarital affair for several years. When Janet found out about this, she was hurt terribly, but when Phil said how sorry he was, assured Janet how much he loved her, and promised that he would never see the other woman again, Janet forgave him and took him back.

Later, Phil told Janet he had found work in another city and would be away for several weeks. He was gone for more than two months. Phil wrote and told Janet how much he missed her and that she was the only woman in his life, but he didn't send her any support. Again, Janet was left with the responsibility of paying all the bills.

Some time after he returned, Janet discovered that Phil had been away with the other woman!

Kym is married to a transvestite. "I knew John was this way before I married him," Kym told me, "but I believed if I loved him, I could change him. But it isn't working. When he dresses like a woman and wants me to make love to him this way, I feel sick in my stomach. My counselor has advised me to accept him as he is. What should I do?"

Exactly what should Janet and Kym and others in similar or related situations do? What is the Christian thing to do?

First, they need to understand the nature of their problem. True, Phil and John have serious problems, but Janet and Kym also have problems of their own. They are both codependent and have a lack of healthy boundaries.

Codependency applies to the caretakers of any over-dependent person—such as any kind of addict or irresponsible person, and doing for these people what they can and need to do for themselves.

To resolve their problem, codependents need, first of all, to admit their sickness, for only as we face the truth about ourselves, as Jesus put it, will we ever begin to overcome our problems and find freedom and happiness.

To be continued …

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, in every problem or challenging situation I am in, please confront me with the reality of what I am contributing to the problem and lead me to the help I need to resolve this. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

1. John 8:32 (NIV).
Daily Encounter

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Boundaries and Codependency, Part II

"Not long after that, the younger [prodigal] son ... set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but ... when he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you...."1

For the codependent person to overcome his/her problem the following steps will help:

First, the codependent person needs to see his problem and accept responsibility for his own actions and recovery.

Second, he needs to develop healthy boundaries and learn to say no to those who want him to do things for them that they can and need to do for themselves.

Third, he needs to stop blaming others for his unhappiness or for the difficulties he has. Blaming others is a way to avoid facing his own problem that he is in denial about—and not taking responsibility for his part in the situation he is in. Blaming others and avoiding personal responsibility is at the heart of so much unhappiness.

Fourth, codependents need to stop trying to change others. They have a compulsion to fix everybody except themselves. Trying to change or fix others only leads to frustration and anger for both parties. The only person we can ever fix or change is our self, and as we change, others around us are almost forced to change—not always for the best either, I might add. Over-dependent people don't want us to change because it throws them for a loop.

Fifth, the codependent needs to come to terms with his or her problems. While an over-dependent person is often addicted to some form of compulsive behavior, the codependent is addicted to the addict. In reality, both are over-dependent on each other. Both are being irresponsible.

Because codependents need to feel needed in order to feel loved, they suffer from love deprivation, usually from childhood, and have confused feeling needed for feeling loved. In order to feel needed, some codependents will go to any length to keep a needy person dependent on them. They can be loyal to the point of being destructive both to themselves and others.

On the surface, codependency can appear to be very loving, kind and Christian. However, at its core it is a confusion of responsibility. The codependent is so busy trying to meet the needs of and to fix others, he neglects taking responsibility for meeting his own needs and accepting and resolving his own problems.

In so doing, he short-circuits the natural consequences of somebody else's destructive behavior. For instance, as long as Janet keeps paying Phil's bills for him, and keeps taking him back without serious consequences after his affairs, he will never learn responsibility in financial matters or relationships. Only when Janet stops protecting and "saving" Phil and allows him to face the consequences of his irresponsible business and personal behavior will there be any hope for Phil to recover.

Regarding John, I said to Kym, "It is one thing to accept John. It is another matter to accept his transvestite behavior. As long as you accept his behavior and keep protecting him, he will never get better and, as such, you are a part of his sickness."

Codependents need to allow irresponsible people to face the consequences of their actions, and, if necessary, to let them hit bottom—as did the prodigal son in today's Scripture. Only then did he come to his senses. Codependents also need to accept responsibility for themselves and work on their own growth and recovery. One effective way to do this is to join a twelve-step support or similar group. Here, you can learn to feel loved for who you are, and not for what you do for others.

Most of all, codependents need to trust their life to God—a power greater than their own—and daily ask him to confront them with the reality of their problem, help them to see the root causes of it, and lead them to the help they need and the courage to overcome. God can make a much better job of our life than we can. Why not trust it to him today and every day?

To be continued ...

Suggested prayer: Dear God, please help me to be available to those who have a genuine need, and learn to say no to those I have been rescuing and taking responsibility for. Help me to see my need and be responsible for my behavior, growth and recovery. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name. Amen."

1. Luke 15:13, 15-18 (NIV).

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Boundaries and Codependency, Part III

"Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load."1

A Daily Encounter reader whom I shall call Mary, grew up in a very dysfunctional home where there was alcoholism and severe abuse. And now, as an adult, like thousands of others, she is unable to say no to her children and to all who come to her for help. Consequently, she struggles with false guilt, feels hurt and angry because of people who use her, and, among other troubling issues, is deeply in debt.

When our lives are in chaos, it's normal to feel depressed and troubled. As one counselor said, "When we have unresolved problems, God is merciful—he gives us symptoms. The purpose of miserable symptoms is to motivate us to seek help.

So Mary's first step for healing and recovery was her admitting, "I have a problem. I need help."

Many of us have a hard time saying no because we want everyone to like (love) us and that is an unrealistic goal.

The truth is when we don't have healthy boundaries (the ability to say no), people use us because they know we are a pushover and, as such, they don't respect us, let alone love or like us. Wanting everyone to like/love us comes from our own love-deprivation hunger (mostly from our family background) and our subsequent insecurity. Consequently, we need to work not only on building healthy boundaries but also on our self-concept. In fact, it is nigh on impossible to maintain healthy boundaries unless we also work on rebuilding a healthy self-concept and good old-fashioned self-respect.

Realize too, that when we do too much for others or do anything for anybody that they can and should be doing for themselves, we are not being loving, but codependent, and are keeping these people over-dependent on us. Furthermore, we are doing it unconsciously to meet our own need (for love)—not the other person's.

As I said to Mary, to rebuild your self-concept is the challenge and we don't do that by reading books. We do it in relationship with other people. We get damaged in damaging relationships and get healed in healing relationships. With the intensity of your codependency, I would urge you to start taking care of yourself (this is probably the most loving thing you could do for your kids), and get into counseling with a good Christian counselor. Also, get into a 12-step CODA (Codependent Anonymous) group.

Also, ask God to give you a soul-sister or soul-brother whom you can trust implicitly with your feelings and failures, someone who won't give you advice, tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but listen to and accept you as you are. It's only as we are fully known by a safe, accepting, non-judgmental, and loving person, and they love and accept us with all our faults, little by little we learn, though them, to love and accept ourselves. Remember, though, you took X number of years to become who you are so you don't change all of that overnight. To grow and become whole takes a lot of commitment, determination, and hard work as well as God's help.

Most importantly, be sure to commit and trust your life and way to God every day for the rest of your life. Ask him to give you the courage to face the truth about yourself that you need to see and resolve, and to lead you to the help you need to overcome.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you that you love and accept me as I am. Please help me to find a few people with whom I feel safe to let them know me as you know me. And through their loving acceptance of me, help me learn to love and accept myself so I will love others from a pure heart without strings attached. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

1. Galatians 6:4-5 (NIV).

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