Gloomy Gray Foggy Night

[Raya]

I haven't felt this close to useing in a long time.
I had to go out for a walk to get a bus ticket, and it's the 1st time in a long time I've been out at midnight with $ in my bank account and it's warming up, so spring is in the air.
Is the scene set?
So it's grey, foggy, late, and I'm feeling like I would really like to get high...
I want to ask God to remouve my desire to use, but I don't really know if that's really what I want, or if I want to live on the edge and see what could happen.
Almost said, what's happening...
~freudian slip?
Met a man tonight with 18 days... he used to have 9yrs concecutive.
Hard to imagine it can all be back to square 1 just like that.
I've worked so hard to get this clean time, and every day clean is progress.
I'm trying, but its trying to live clean.
Life doesn't seem to get instantly better.
Still picking up the wreckage of the past, trying valliantly to live this day for all its worth, and dream for the future, as I have a future again now.
But...
everything after but is bull****...
or at least that's what my old sponsor used to say...
got a new sponsor now.
Funny, saw her on my way to the bus station, she just happened to be outside the local Dinner in my neighbourhood! Imagine that!?
She just happens to be there, and gives me a lift to the bus terminal to purchase the ticket I had to get b4 midnight to get the discount.
(shouldn't have left it to the last minute like this, but I was caught up with my vanity doing my hair in braids all day!) ~still gotta have armour of some kind...
Well , what do you know God's on my side.
He placed my sponsor in my path right when I needed her, and I confessed to my useing urges, and my fear of a relapse waiting to happen...
I don't know that I felt any better right away.
But I sure am glad I saw her, who knows what could have been lerking around the corner if I hadn't of gotten a lift with her.
She really is a Godsent.
I will pray for myself I think.
And I hope I'll get better.
I know I've been negative lately, and with my Mothers Breast Cancer...
Family of origin issues up the yin-yang worrying me with this trip down, and my desire to be reunited with my kids...
I'm up to my ears with about all I can handle.
Oh, yeah, I've got a couch surfer on my couch too, with 40-some odd days clean, whose got aids, and a ton of his owm problems.
+ my partners been obsessing about our financial circumstances... which doesn't make me feel too good concidering he's the one with the stable income........
And I can't seem to find my focus for painting right now.
on a possitive note, I have a new phone that takes pics, so I can up load some new pics on my album soon, and I made my sweetie a v-day paper maché 3-D heart with wings and an eternity sighn on it.
I hope he likes it.
And I hope I stay clean.
:20:

[zoomie]

Hi and welcome! Your sponcer was right there when you needed her, too cool! We all have thoughts,but it's the action that counts and your actions say alot about you wanting to stay clean. (((((((((((Huggies)))))))))))

[gettinfree]

Love ya Raya...Keep trudgin...You'll be fine...Thanks for sharing...Mike

[annalittlebit]

:42::195::42:

[Chewi]

I'm so glad you ran into (God put your sponser there- ha) your sponsor, and so glad you came here to share. You certainly have a full plate right now. I had a full plate and I relapsed--IT WAS NOT WORTH IT! I wish I had stuck with my AA program and perservered. Now I am back walking the walk and it is much better. Stick with sobriety because it will get better. God will give you strength to deal with it all--call and talk to that sponser when you need to. Keep coming here and sharing. As the old saying goes, if you have nine problems and you drink/use, then you got ten problems! Hang in there and keep coming back! Prayers... ASAP - Always Say A Prayer!

[Rockin Big Daddy]

Raya: Remember three words when you want to use.... And then what! Remember the consequences of your addiction and its insanity. Breathe through your thoughts and connect reason with intuition as the negative urge will pass. Listen to positive music http://thegoodnessoflife.com/ and be thankful for your blessings.

Thanks for your honesty as you have help me for today!!

[Raya]

Hey Chewie, sorry to hear about you falling off the wagon,
I know how much that bump can hurt!!!
I like the part about ASAP (Always Say A Prayor)~I love cool acronyms. (wow I actually spelled that right!)
The best ones I've heard's about Fear.
FEAR; f**k everything and run, or Face Everything And Recover!
The first one's what I used to do, the 2nd is what the program's teaching me how to do.
All I gotta do is stick to it.
You too!
Here's to the last line of the Serenity prayor, long version;
'And the strength to persavere, even when it seems hopeless.'
ciou

[Chewi]

Hi Raya! Yes, things are a lot better now. Looking forward to reaching two months, one day at a time. Hope you are doing well, too! You're coming to the right place! Yes, living by the serenity prayer is what it is all about. My husband is often irritable when he is home on weekends; as I was thinking about it this weekend, it hit me that peace/serenity is something we seek. It is NOT something that just comes to us. Circumstances come to us, and we can choose to seek peace whatever those circumstances or we can let those circumstances control us. Serenity is something that takes some thought and work--the 12 steps help us to achieve it. Hope you have a great 24 hours and that the "gloomy, gray, foggy" is lifting a bit! Hugs!