Flashbacks

[Raya]

:16:
I'm currently struggleing with useing dreams,
and flashbacks of people places and things;
from my useing.
I figure its probably related to post acute withdrawl.
But I'm not sure how to combat this.
I ask God to remove them, pray for the desire to remain in this moment... pray for the urge to be lifted, remouved, what-not, but I'm still struggleing with them.
Maybe I should ask God to remouve them PERMANENTLY.
I know my prayors get answered, I just don't always understand the answers...
So far, I've been useing diflection or escapism tactics to deal with them.
But its really getting me down.
I just want them to stop.
I don't want to be bogged down by memories of the past anymore.
I want to focus on today.
On my new lease on life, not the old ways,
I don't want to be a slave to my addiction.
I feel like this is just another way for my addict to get back into my head...
and the sad thing is its almost working.
Its been 3 weeks at least now, of concecutive useing urges at night, flashbacks or wakeing dreams where I relapse, feel high, like crap and ashamed, then need to get a white keytag.
It's always the same stuff, I start out thinking about someone, wonder if they're okay, memories of concern, then I remember the other places I've been spaces I've used, people I was with, and then, I'm shaking myself awake, cause I don't want to dream about useing.
Its disrupting my sleep, and I'm afraid to go to sleep at night.
Its insanity, and its got to stop.
I'm just not sure how, b/c I have no controll over these memories...
It seems like the more I try to push them away, telling myself, I don't need to think about those times, because I don't live that way anymore; the more they seem to flood my conciousness, either sub-conciously, or lucid...
I don't know what to do anymore, but I'm scared, because I went through this at least 2 times b4, or more, and the end result was I used!
The longest this went on in the past was 6 weeks.
Everynite!
I don't know if I can handle this.
But what else is there to do, but to persavere.
And hope they go away sooner, rather than later.
If I use, I'll only add to the vast amount of memories of useing I already have.
Maybe I just need to live through them.
Maybe my psyche's trying to process what I couldn't while useing.
There's alot of post traumatic stress involved with the useing lifestyle I lived.
So many near death experiences, over-doses, violence, trama, watching stuff I wouldn't wish anyone through.
Living a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.
Maybe I'm just trying to make sense of it all,
sort of like sorting through the photos in a memory album in my mind...
compartmentaliseing, so I can file them away for future processing.
Maybe, just maybe, that's what this is all about.
Here's hopeing I make it throgh this, without useing.
My sponsor told me to share this on here, to see if it helps.
And I think it has.
Helps to work it out; sort of mull it over in the head via typeing it on the page...
♪'turn the page"...:37:

[AngryDan]

Ive hear numerous "advice" suggestions, explanations over the years about using dreams...from "don't worry it's a free high" to "feelings pass".

Post acute withdrawral? I dunno...thats psychology stuff, I'm no pshychologist.....all the psychs I went to didnt help keep me clean...NA did.

My experience is....it happened in the begining, I didnt use over it...and it stopped. As long as I dont use ever again, one day at a time, I never have to experience them again.

When I hear people share about going back out, and experiencing all the pain of using-AND getting clean again...I learned, "Hey, if I dont use...I dont have to go through the pain of using OR getting clean again" There are feelings I have to experience. Thats why I am here- to feel again, both good and bad. Numbing by using sucked and was only tempoary.

Get through it-come out the other side, and dont return to it.

[little one]

"It's easier to stay clean then to get clean!"

Using dreams, I know they can be so hard to get through, and may even occur years into recovery. One of the tools I have learned over the years... (not that I have always used them like I should)... is that it's not always about being stonger then your addiction it's about being smarter, and one way to do that is to TRY not to feed into it, like for example don't dwell on it and yes definately ask God for help.

Don't let this get to you, you deserve so much more. Here I sit once again trying to recover... I still have yet to do my 12 steps and I have had 2 years under my belt before this time... and I must say it was easier in the begining of those years then at the end due to the fact I didn't do anything but stayed dry in my recovery... inevidably I used again. So, though these dreams are normal and with time and prayer will slowly fade, pursue the steps to ensure you don't have to endure the pain of this whole episode again... like AngryDan mentioned.

As for the memories, I still continue to have them, sometimes it's a certain smell in the air that triggers them and it brings so much back... I focus on the bad outcomes of these situations... playing through they tape to the end... where you are.

Things will get better, it's not going to be easy, it takes work. I will keep you in my prayers, just stay strong and keep your head up. Thanks for sharing!