Raya
02-24-2009, 01:16 PM
:12:
So, I've finally made it farther than I've come in years.
I think its been 7 yrs since I've had this much consecutive clean time.
I'm about to go off to a noon mtg.
so, I don't have long to check in.
Just wanted to tell someone, anyone what I'm feeling/ going through right now, at 7mnths clean.
I don't know if I feel all that different than I did at 4/5 or 6mnths.
But I do know that I am becoming more accustomed to liveing life clean.
The old habbits (not so appealing ones), are being slowly replaced by some new or newly remembered copeing skills.
I'm still angry.
I still have useing dreams,
had one last night in fact.
I'm still struggleing with my other symbtoms of addiction.
Preoccupation with sex, or excessive sex-drive....
over-eating to stuff my feelings, lethergy, and negative thoughts or surpressed anger...
I don't know when I'll get a handle on those vices,
however, maybe the difference between haveing 30-90 'daZe' clean and now, is I'm aware of WHY I feel the way I do, instead of just knowing I'm uncomfortable in my skin and not knowing why.
So, I was at my home group the other night and we read step 6 and tradition 6. It was good to hear/read that again, because it definitely relates to my pressent state. I am becoming aware of my character defects or challenges.
(step 4) Though I am still formally writing out my 1st step with a recently acquired sponsor, its good to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and as it states in our text 'we can learn to use these steps in our lives long before we understand them'...
My recent challenges with the program have been this feeling I can't seem to shake of being brain washed... I've heard people say that we were so sick b4 we got here that perhaps our brains need a good scrubbing...
But I'm so inherently independant, and hung-up on being unique, that of coarse I don't want to become a 'drone'...
Not sure what the solution is to that complex, but perhaps that is what this months challenge will be about.
More will be revealed.
The reason I want to share honestly here, about the challenges I face in my person struggles today, as well as my difficulties with the program, is because I want to let newcomers know, that its not all easy.
My life is by no means a bowl of cherries, or a bouquett of roses and its not all posey....
But, !
My choice today to stay clean no matter what, is what keeps me here in the rooms, and what gives me hope for the capability to cope, with whatever future is in store for me.
Clean, the rest remains to be seen.
I only hope for the faith in God, and myself to continue to persavere, even when it seems hopeless.
As I am sometimes inclined to feel.
Feelings won't kill me, the drugs will, whether its my spirit while still a living vacant shell of a body numbly roaming the earth, or useing people places and things to try to alter how I feel...
Feelings and emotions are only as powerfull as I give the power to be.
Ciou:tongue:
So, I've finally made it farther than I've come in years.
I think its been 7 yrs since I've had this much consecutive clean time.
I'm about to go off to a noon mtg.
so, I don't have long to check in.
Just wanted to tell someone, anyone what I'm feeling/ going through right now, at 7mnths clean.
I don't know if I feel all that different than I did at 4/5 or 6mnths.
But I do know that I am becoming more accustomed to liveing life clean.
The old habbits (not so appealing ones), are being slowly replaced by some new or newly remembered copeing skills.
I'm still angry.
I still have useing dreams,
had one last night in fact.
I'm still struggleing with my other symbtoms of addiction.
Preoccupation with sex, or excessive sex-drive....
over-eating to stuff my feelings, lethergy, and negative thoughts or surpressed anger...
I don't know when I'll get a handle on those vices,
however, maybe the difference between haveing 30-90 'daZe' clean and now, is I'm aware of WHY I feel the way I do, instead of just knowing I'm uncomfortable in my skin and not knowing why.
So, I was at my home group the other night and we read step 6 and tradition 6. It was good to hear/read that again, because it definitely relates to my pressent state. I am becoming aware of my character defects or challenges.
(step 4) Though I am still formally writing out my 1st step with a recently acquired sponsor, its good to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and as it states in our text 'we can learn to use these steps in our lives long before we understand them'...
My recent challenges with the program have been this feeling I can't seem to shake of being brain washed... I've heard people say that we were so sick b4 we got here that perhaps our brains need a good scrubbing...
But I'm so inherently independant, and hung-up on being unique, that of coarse I don't want to become a 'drone'...
Not sure what the solution is to that complex, but perhaps that is what this months challenge will be about.
More will be revealed.
The reason I want to share honestly here, about the challenges I face in my person struggles today, as well as my difficulties with the program, is because I want to let newcomers know, that its not all easy.
My life is by no means a bowl of cherries, or a bouquett of roses and its not all posey....
But, !
My choice today to stay clean no matter what, is what keeps me here in the rooms, and what gives me hope for the capability to cope, with whatever future is in store for me.
Clean, the rest remains to be seen.
I only hope for the faith in God, and myself to continue to persavere, even when it seems hopeless.
As I am sometimes inclined to feel.
Feelings won't kill me, the drugs will, whether its my spirit while still a living vacant shell of a body numbly roaming the earth, or useing people places and things to try to alter how I feel...
Feelings and emotions are only as powerfull as I give the power to be.
Ciou:tongue: