New, first timer and confused

[MLG33107]

Hello everyone. My name is Michael and this is my first attempt at discussing my problem with anyone.

This morning, my wife told me she thinks I am an alcoholic. It hurt to hear those words, but I feel that they are true. I guess the first step is to admit that I cannot control my drinking, so I admit it. I don't have to drink everyday, but when I do drink I cannot stop. I drink everything in my possession. I feel guilty about sneaking drinks to keep my buzz going, my wife knows when I do, even though I might think she doesn't.

My wife and my health are really more important to me than drinking, so why do I do it? Why can I not have one beer and call it a night?

Today I am going to start my recovery. I will not drink after work. I intend to not drink tomorrow, Saturday, or Sunday. I intend, but I do not know if I will be successful. I am afraid that when I am offered drinks this weekend, I will give in. I would love to set small goals and meet them. Like go one week without a drink. If I can do that, then a month. If I can do that, six months...

I sought out an anonymous online forum because I believe the support will be helpful. I do not know any of you (so I think) so I can be completely honest. I intend to use this thread / board as a daily dairy of my efforts to quit drinking.

I thank you for taking the time to read this post.

[Rockin Big Daddy]

One Day at a Time!!!!:29:

I AM YOUR DISEASE:44:

I am your disease. Give in to me and have that glass of wine or just one beer (or extra pills, those lines, that pipe, or the needle). I love it when you slip, because I can feel you coming under my power. Once I have you, you are powerless; you cannot resist me. And if you choose me over your Higher Power (God), I can block that connection.

I am proud of how cunning and subtle I am. I do not stand in front of you brazenly offering your substance. No, I lie in wait within you, perfectly willing to take a back seat to your steps, your tools, your meetings, if that is what you want. Usually, when you are feeling down, you have had enough of me; you may turn to your higher power (God). But when you are feeling good, I am ready for action, because you will let down your guard. You are foolish to think that at any given time, I am not a strong influence within you. When you choose me, my power grows.

You think that time gives you immunity, but it does not. You assume that because you have had me under control for a while, that I am beaten. But I am not. I am still here watching for an opportunity to begin my destruction. The only time my power is useless is when you turn me over to your higher power (GOD). That seems to be the only thing that can save you from me, anywhere, anytime.

I love it when you do not recognize my power, because it means that you will fall into my trap sooner or later. Go ahead, skip that meeting, stop taking your medicine, do not get or call a sponsor. Forget all of those coping skills, isolate, tell everyone off, try something new like gambling, who needs that schedule. Do what you want, when you want. See your old drinking and drugging buddies. Go ahead and do it. You deserve it. You need to celebrate. You had a bad day. You had a bad week. You have a bad life. No one understands. You are feeling guilty, angry, and anxious. It does not feel good and you do want to feel something different. Go ahead and do it!

Do not be so smug. I will never leave you. So if you intend to save yourself and your precious program, you are just going to have to keep turning me over, using your tools, going to meetings, staying connected, and working the steps….REMEMBER, I WISH YOU DEATH..:9:

[yukonm]

:67: I am glad you are here. You will find support and encouragement as you begin this journey. This road is not easy but you are not alone. Please continue to come and share with us.

[thereishope]

Hello MLG,
Welcome to CRF, its nice to meet you.
Yes you are more than welcome to write anything you need to and you questions, thoughts & feelings and it is diffanetly anonomoyus.
Take it one day at a time and then next, then the next.
Have you tried an AA meeting? They are also anonomyous and in the meeting place you can get some face to face support for this because we cant do it alone. There will be others ther that know EXACLY what you are going through...as do we because we have all been there as well.
I want to say im very proud oof you for coming and opening up. Thats where it all begins my friend. Please keep on coming back ok. This is a wonderful place for support and friends and we need you as well. We would all like to wish you much love and many blessings on your journey of recovery and discovery.

[MLG33107]

Thanks everyone.

I just had a self-awareness moment. I realized that I am a good person with everything going for me and that alcohol only takes away from that. It contributes nothing to my life. I have enjoyed drinking since I started at 20. Now, a decade later, I realize it is a waste of time, body, and money. I gain nothing from it.

[Deeters]

I blew it after struggling for 2 and a half years after being raped when I was minding my own business on a beautiful summer day....I want to die today becaue I finally reached 30 days sobriety and then yesterday and today I have blown it. I want to die. I feel this disease has me under its control. I wanted to step in front of a car or train. I feel lost and alone.

[bt500]

Do not beat yourself up. You have already shown you can do it. Be gentle with yourself. You can beat this!

[gettinfree]

Hey waldron, many of us have done the same thing. Move on...share your stuff at meetings and discover your not alone or unique. Get back on the horse and shoot for another 30...Your Friend...Mike :42:

[MLG33107]

DAY 2 -

Thank you all for the encouragement.

Last night was hard. My in-laws took my wife and I out to dinner, they are down visiting. We had an hour wait for a table, so we sat in the bar. When I ordered ice tea my mother in law and wife asked me what was wrong... why don't you have a rum and coke or whatever... I said, for the first time, that I did not want to fill up before dinner (lie) and they knew it. After we were seated, my wife asked me to have a drink. She said, "as long as you don't slam them, you can have a drink". I ordered water with my meal. When we got home, I looked at the liquor cabinet and my stocked beer fridge and closed the door, went to bed.

This morning I feel great. I don't feel guilty. I have no shakes. I feel happy. I don't worry about what I said last night. I am glad that I drove and let everything else have a nice time.

My in-laws are leaving tomorrow, so we are going out again tonight. I suspect that when I order ice tea I will get weird looks again. They all will be drinking in moderation. But, I want to prove to myself that I can get through this weekend, week, month without drinking. Next week is my birthday, it is going to be a huge test. At the end of March I am going to the Florida Keys for vacation. That will be a bigger test. Like what you all said, take it day by day.

Thank you for listening.

Michael

[MLG33107]

I blew it after struggling for 2 and a half years after being raped when I was minding my own business on a beautiful summer day....I want to die today becaue I finally reached 30 days sobriety and then yesterday and today I have blown it. I want to die. I feel this disease has me under its control. I wanted to step in front of a car or train. I feel lost and alone.

Hi Waldon -

This is my second day here. I do not know what you are going through, but I suspect many people here do. Your post concerns me. I would like to encourage you to seek immediate medical help. This internet board appears great, but I am afraid that your thoughts and feels require professional help. I lost my father nine years ago to suicide. I take your statements very seriously, and you must as well. Please please please go see a medical professional today. There is no shame in seeking help, it is their job to provide it. Please go, if not for yourself, for me, a stranger who cares.

Michael

[annalittlebit]

Miicheal---I'm soooo glad you're here----and you're doing great---as you said One Day At A Time--I hope you keep coming back!!!!!!
And Waldron---I sure hope that you do seek medical help--One of my family members took their life due to alcohol---That doesn't have to happen to anyone---Please take care!!!!!!!!

[Deeters]

Thank you Michael for your encouragement. I did indeed seek help last night and feel much better today.

Congrats Mike on getting weird looks. People who are making different choices when they've done something they've always done, will get weird looks!

Thank you rockinbigdaddy! All of us need these reminders. May all who enter here, have a wonderful new day. I plan to because of all of you. I know I'm not alone.

[MLG33107]

Day 5 -

Feeling great. For the first time in 10 years I got through a weekend without a single drink. For the first time in 10 years, I felt like the weekend was long, not short and flew by. I went to dinner out on Friday and Saturday and was the only one not drinking. I had cravings all weekend but did not give in. This Monday morning I had a clear head, it was a nice feeling. Work is going great today. I like this.


Waldon - I hope you are being strong.

[Rockin Big Daddy]

Can you let go of your doubts? Of course you can.
How do you release those doubts? You simply stop holding on to them.

If you wish to drop an object that you are holding in your hands, you just let it go and it falls away. Visualize doing the exact same thing with each doubt, and allow them all to fall away from you under their own weight.

Every doubt you maintain requires your active participation and energy. Choose to no longer participate in keeping those doubts alive.

Instead, use the energy to grow and build and love and live and accomplish great things. Release your doubts, and stop standing in the way of your own progress.

Move positively forward without the encumbrance of doubt. And discover how amazingly effective you can naturally be.

-- Ralph Marston

[DavidNOLA]

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

[thereishope]

How Awesome!!!!
Im so very excited for you.
:12::1::85::1::12:

[jollygirl]

Rockin Big Daddy-
I love that letter from "addiction", I'm going to print it out and keep it around to look at

Michael-
You are doing awesome! Sorry about the in-laws. I think that is great that you are not having shakes, I can't wait to get to the point where I don't wake up with the shakes until the pills kick in. I've never been much of a drinker, I pretty much hate alcohol, but I do understand where you are coming from. It's so hard for me to imagine how someone can just take one narcotic pill and only when they absolutely need it. I never understood (and still don't) how someone can keep hydrocodones around their house for a year, when I go through over 100 a week. And yet people do, all the time. I'm sure it's the same for you with alcohol and your in-laws just don't understand that it's not about the one drink, but the mentality behind it and what the drink represents to you.
I don't think (after I detox and do rehab) that I'll ever be "safe" with narcotic painkillers, though I do suffer from legitimate chronic pain due to an Acheille's tendon birth defect that has endured several operations. After I get sober I am just going to have to find other ways to deal with the pain because narcotics are not going to be an option for me anymore.
Anyway, enough about me...congrats to you! Keep us posted on your progress, and know your wife must really love you to reach out to you.