Twenty years w/my husband and his addiction

[edots74]

Hello all. I am new here. I have been with my husband for over twenty years. We have 2 beautiful children. We have also lived with some addiction of his constantly. First it was alcohol, then oxycontin, then xanax. Three different times I have put my foot down and put him out. He is such a good liar. This last time, which was only 5 days ago, I told him that next time I would serve him with divorce papers. Nothing more and nothing less. It really scared me because I didn't have the anger with him anymore. I just simply felt done. The thing is.... I think there must be something seriously wrong with me. I just don't understand how I have let myself be a part of this. I don't even drink socially. He attended a NA meeting and we have plans for him to join me at church tomorrow, but I can't seem to stop thinking that I have to fix myself and I don't even know where to start. I have checked into meetings and the closest one around here is almost 2 hours away. He says I could go to NA with him, but somehow I don't think that would be appropriate. Anyone have any ideas out there?

[Doraine]

Go to Alanon or Naranon online. They're for relatives or friends of alcoholics and addicts. You'll get the support you need. Good luck.

[sioux]

What we learn is that alcoholism is a family disease to some extent -- the family is sick too. Gosh, who wouldn't be.

There are meetings for friends and family members that will help you identify what you are struggling with. So, time to stop beating yourself over the head. There is help available to you if you want to invest time in it.

Peace: Sioux

[geoff 1030]

Don't put it off, get to a meeting. I waited until my wife was 7 months into it. When she began to change and I didn't things got worse. It's looking right now like it's going to cost me my marriage, but there is still hope. Only God knows. Don't wait God helps those who help themselves.

[nisijoey]

Does your church have meetings for families dealing with addiction. My husband is an alcoholic/addict. When I decided enough was enough, I reached out to a meeting I had seen in the church directory. I had decided that if it didn't work out between he and I, I was going to be strong and healed from all the hurt that came with his addictions. That way I would be the mother my children deserved. It was very helpful to be able to talk to others who knew what I was going through. It is very lonely when you feel as if you are going through it alone. Now my husband has been clean 3 months and our marriage is on track to repairing. I will keep you in my prayers and if every you need to vent/talk to someone...feel free to email me. There is alot of information on here as well as the internet if you google family members dealing with addiction. That is what I did and I found some very inspirational things to help me get through when I didn't think I could.:195:

[flick]

:46:What we learn is that alcoholism is a family disease to some extent -- the family is sick too. Gosh, who wouldn't be.yes, so true!! The thing is.... I think there must be something seriously wrong with me. I just don't understand how I have let myself be a part of this.There isn't so much something wrong with 'you', it's the choices we make, we continue to stand by the addict in the hope that we can change them, get them out of their disease.....be it drugs or alcohol, addiction is addiction!!....

I am recovering from addiction myself and my partner is an alcoholic.....it has taken me 3 years in recovery to finally 'surrender' to the fact that I cannot change him; he is the only one that can do that!!.

The Serenity Prayer is wonderful;
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy Will be done and not my own.

And;
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will be done and not my own.

And yes instead of beating yourself up for why you may have stuck around so long, try and get to Al-anon and any other support groups you can, often the partner of an addict becomes co-dependant, there is a lot of literature on this and also how we enable the addict which you might find helpful.

Praying you find a solution that works for you. God Bless.

[KeepComingBack]

one of the things in al anon is that they talk about that you cant
CURE
didnt CAUSE
cant CONTROL

the 3 Cs. i used to go to couples therapy with my partner (we are both in recovery). it didnt seem to work. it was like each of us had more problems as individuals and we had to del with that before even really working on the relationship.

i know that the first time that i tried recovery i was doing it for other people and i relapsed. i needed to experience my own botttom for me.

with my partner who is also in recovery, my sponsor says this
1) you can always be honest about YOUR FEELINGS - "when you relapse or use, it makes me angry, sad" it affects you and you are allowed to have ffelings.
2) the addict does not want to be lectured to - strangely enough it is like a child who misbehaves, they are actually looking for security. it is that their instinct for security is so overblown that they seek drugs and alcohol for the immediate feeling of security which of course doesn't last.
3) finally the alternate form of the serenity prayer
god grant me the serenity to accept the PEOPLE i cannot change
the courage to change the PEOPLE i can
and the wisdom to know that it is ME

KCB