gaiaraain
03-04-2009, 12:29 AM
Hello all,
I am a nicotine addict in recovery for 1 year 7 months 4 days 5 hours and 40 minutes (gotta love that quit meter!). I'm looking for some extra support outside of my sponsor, meetings, etc. My sponsor is a busy, busy lady these days, and I think I'm needing some extra work in my recovery right now. I have a lot going on in my life, and I think it's mostly due to my recovery (although so many things have contributed).
Just a quick run-down (I won't dwell, and hopefully I won't bore anyone, :blush:...oh, and I love the smilies!).
My brother in law recently passed away. He was disabled and was cared for by family (my husband part time, his mother and sister full time). His death was caused (as I understand it) by negligence on their parts (my husband and his sister were sort of oblivious to what was going on, believing everything their mother said...but she knew what she was doing). I have a lot of anger about this...about his death in general, and the marginalizing of a human being simply because he was unable to care for himself, specifically.
My best friend of 21 years gave birth a month ago to her second baby, and I was present (yay!). She makes beautiful babies, and experiencing birth (which I've never done...I mean, I've never GIVEN birth, just watched her give birth twice) is just unbelievably amazing. HOWEVER this time, it was different. I have 8 years more experience with life than I had last time she gave birth; her baby almost died and had to be resuscitated, which was traumatic for everyone; this has made me question my route to parenthood (long story, I might get into it later); and it has altogether just brought up a whirlwind of emotion - good, bad, and everything in between.
I think my husband and I might be headed for divorce. This has been a long time coming. Unfortunately, he is a wonderful man, an amazing human being, and I have been incredibly lucky to have him in my life. This makes it all the more difficult to stand up for what I need. I haven't really thought too deeply on this, but I'm wondering if he was co-dependent to my addiction (is that the right terminology?), and now that I've been in recovery for so long, and he hasn't really made many changes while my entire life has been flipped up side down, I think it's just catching up to us.
All these things have happened recently, and of course, so many other things have happened, too, since I quit. Where I'm at right now in my recovery is after these things happened, I sort of did a step 6. (I'm a slow poke :lol:) I don't think I'm ready to move on to step 7...I need my step 6 to be a bit more concrete, I think, before I can move on. But I'm not really sure where to go from where I am right now. I really FEEL step 6, down to my soul, and it feels GOOD! I feel like I've just laid everything down...it's like step 3 amplified. I feel exposed, in a way...like I've laid down all my armor, and I don't need anything to face life except me and my higher power...I'm scared, and all the challenges I have to face still seem daunting...but I don't want to run from them anymore, and I don't want any more "protection" in the form of the character defects ("defense mechanisms") that I have "worn" my whole life. I just want to face it all, full of fear and imperfection, and just do it.
I don't know if I'm explaining it well, but anyway, I was wondering if anyone here had any ESH to offer, tips, ideas, suggestions, web sites...I don't know what I'm looking for really. I think I just need to know that I really have completed step 6. I had to go back and re-do my 4th step because I didn't 'get it' the first time, so I don't want to have to do that again. :4:
Thanks for reading. I'm glad to be here.
Gaia Raain
I am a nicotine addict in recovery for 1 year 7 months 4 days 5 hours and 40 minutes (gotta love that quit meter!). I'm looking for some extra support outside of my sponsor, meetings, etc. My sponsor is a busy, busy lady these days, and I think I'm needing some extra work in my recovery right now. I have a lot going on in my life, and I think it's mostly due to my recovery (although so many things have contributed).
Just a quick run-down (I won't dwell, and hopefully I won't bore anyone, :blush:...oh, and I love the smilies!).
My brother in law recently passed away. He was disabled and was cared for by family (my husband part time, his mother and sister full time). His death was caused (as I understand it) by negligence on their parts (my husband and his sister were sort of oblivious to what was going on, believing everything their mother said...but she knew what she was doing). I have a lot of anger about this...about his death in general, and the marginalizing of a human being simply because he was unable to care for himself, specifically.
My best friend of 21 years gave birth a month ago to her second baby, and I was present (yay!). She makes beautiful babies, and experiencing birth (which I've never done...I mean, I've never GIVEN birth, just watched her give birth twice) is just unbelievably amazing. HOWEVER this time, it was different. I have 8 years more experience with life than I had last time she gave birth; her baby almost died and had to be resuscitated, which was traumatic for everyone; this has made me question my route to parenthood (long story, I might get into it later); and it has altogether just brought up a whirlwind of emotion - good, bad, and everything in between.
I think my husband and I might be headed for divorce. This has been a long time coming. Unfortunately, he is a wonderful man, an amazing human being, and I have been incredibly lucky to have him in my life. This makes it all the more difficult to stand up for what I need. I haven't really thought too deeply on this, but I'm wondering if he was co-dependent to my addiction (is that the right terminology?), and now that I've been in recovery for so long, and he hasn't really made many changes while my entire life has been flipped up side down, I think it's just catching up to us.
All these things have happened recently, and of course, so many other things have happened, too, since I quit. Where I'm at right now in my recovery is after these things happened, I sort of did a step 6. (I'm a slow poke :lol:) I don't think I'm ready to move on to step 7...I need my step 6 to be a bit more concrete, I think, before I can move on. But I'm not really sure where to go from where I am right now. I really FEEL step 6, down to my soul, and it feels GOOD! I feel like I've just laid everything down...it's like step 3 amplified. I feel exposed, in a way...like I've laid down all my armor, and I don't need anything to face life except me and my higher power...I'm scared, and all the challenges I have to face still seem daunting...but I don't want to run from them anymore, and I don't want any more "protection" in the form of the character defects ("defense mechanisms") that I have "worn" my whole life. I just want to face it all, full of fear and imperfection, and just do it.
I don't know if I'm explaining it well, but anyway, I was wondering if anyone here had any ESH to offer, tips, ideas, suggestions, web sites...I don't know what I'm looking for really. I think I just need to know that I really have completed step 6. I had to go back and re-do my 4th step because I didn't 'get it' the first time, so I don't want to have to do that again. :4:
Thanks for reading. I'm glad to be here.
Gaia Raain