What's Wrong with Me?

[Deeters]

I need help understanding something. All of my life I've had jobs that have entailed working with people, answering the phone, receptionist, whatever. I have hated every job because it's working with people. Since becoming an alcoholic and dealing with issues in my personal life, I have beeen able to fake that I enjoy working with people, but I actually and I hate to use the term "hate", but I do hate working with people. I've never understood why and I need to understand now.

I've been working with the state for 10 years answering phones and of course, processing paperwork. I had a terrible manager for 8 of those years who made my life a living hell. Then I finally got a great manager who is understanding and has tried to work with me.

When I'm in the middle of stress, my stress comes out in my tone of voice. I've tried to act happy, but I'm not and never have been. It's like the devil takes over sometimes and I just want to reach through the phone and say "Don't you have any common sense? You don't now what to put for a business name on an application? You don't know what 5 years of work history means? You want us to make your lack of planning our/my emergency?

The low down is insurance agents have 2 years to complete continuing education. They only have 24 hours to take and about 400 of them lose their forms and wait until the last minute to complete their education. Or I explain the entire process to find someone has been on their &*$(% cell phone and didn't write a thing down and I wasted time and my breath to answer something they had no intention of being responsible and calling from a land line to write down the information.

I've been to personnel several times because someone complained about my tone. Yet, I have and continue to go out of my way to help a lot of people which is never seen or heard. It's only that one dumb mother (#)D( who complains and then I'm in trouble again.

After I relapsed over a week ago and wanted to end everything, I've struggled with the desire to drink and/or end it because I feel guilty that I don't appreciate what I have and just wish God would take me. I pray for death every day instead of appreciating the life I have.

Can anyone tell me why my whole life I have hated working with people? I can type 100 wpm, and have other great skills that have carried me through, so I always have ended up in people jobs.

Why does it bother me when people are so stupid as to not read something and follow directions rather than calling us and wanting us to hold their hand and do it for them? Why does it bother me that I have to get the same person again on the phone after I've spent considerable amount of time explaining what they need to do?

Is it ego? What is it? I got called on it again yesterday (my attitude to a caller that was a dumb as a door nail and I mean she has not business being an insurance agent if she can't fill out a simple form). I transferred her to my lead worker because I could feel myself getting aggitated.

I have to have an answer as to what is wrong with me that I hate this job and having to work with people? I'm not a selfish person unless I'm in the middle of my own s...t. I have been unable to separate the 2.

Please give me your insight into this. There is no other job I can do at this time in my life. I feel so sick that so many people would give anything to have my job. All of my coworkers except one, just have a good time repeating themselves all day, having the phone ring one call after the other, they don't let it get to them.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I am not going to lie, I still wish God would take me and relieve me of the guilt I have for not appreciating what I have.

What is wrong with me?

Thank you to anyone who can help me figure this out or who experiences similar things.
:25::162::mad:

[Deeters]

:24:No one has responded....why? I'm asking for help!

[Starlight]

I'm not qualified to give you an answer to your situation, but I can tell you about mine. When I drank, I really didn't like myself, and had very little self respect. Hence, I would project my frustrations & negativity onto others. What I noticed after a few months of being sober, is that I really started liking ME...started enjoying BEING ME. Not long after that, I noticed how much friendlier I was towards others, especially strangers. I found that it made my day, to make someone else's. And so, as time passed & I have gotten more comfortable with my sobriety, I find myself greeting everyone I meet with a smile & try to find something nice to say or do, so that they will feel like a very special, important person. The positive energy that this creates is amazing... and the beautiful thing about it is that it's contagious! :42:

[Starlight]

And Deeters, have a little patience....
it took you a lifetime to accumulate all your current woes,
maybe you should give these armchair psychiatrists more than a few hours to solve your life problems :11:

[gettinfree]

Hi Dee...There's a load off!!! I hope you feel a little better. Your heart doesn't lie when you vent like that.

I don't know what state you work for. I'm not an insurance agent, but have had to deal with the kind of stuff your clients have to deal with. And yes my head is usually planted pretty far up my *** by the time I need to call an agency and let them know 'I ain't got a clue', and I get an attitude from someone trying to help. I've never complained. I understand. I could never do your job. Their are some that are better suited to dealing with the general public.

Your question 'what is wrong with me?' can only be answered by one person. Your stating the question is a good start. That's where I started just 6mo ago. I know, not a long time, but long enough to start getting some answers.

The first thing that was shown (after wanting to 'not be' anymore, like you). Was that I wanted 'to be', but I couldn't run the show any longer.

I came back to 12 step recovery after many years away. I've given myself to my program, and have been given a new lease on life.

The answer to my question 'what's wrong with me' is becoming simpler. I've been 'sick' for a long time 'not bad'!

Keep coming back! Don't quit! Keep sharing! It gets better!

We Love You here!

If I get an attitude from someone on the phone, I won't complain. We can be idiots!

Your Friend...Mike...:42:

[Rich75]

I need help understanding something.

After I relapsed over a week ago and wanted to end everything, I've struggled with the desire to drink and/or end it because I feel guilty that I don't appreciate what I have and just wish God would take me. I pray for death every day instead of appreciating the life I have.


Hello and Welcome Waldron. :74: These are some strong and powerful words. It sounds like your reaching out for a sponser and or you are ready for working on your steps. Have you started with any of these simply suggestions. Life will get better if you give it a chance. Keep it simply.:D

[zoomie]

I'm one of those people who do not understand the system. I'm not an agent,but I'v had my fair share of not understanding things. Your right you are lucky to have a job. maybe you need to see some kind of shrink and get on meds for your depression. It may help you in working with people.

[sioux]

I love your honesty. I did what you are describing for years, and came to absolutely hate it! When I got sober I knew in my heart this was my last chance to change everything or be doomed to a life of lonliness and despair.

I ended up loosing the last job you describe through some fault of my own, and I have never returned to that enviornment. I hated working with people too. I ended up in a retail job and found that I liked to help people in a different way. There was too much anonimity on the phone and in an office. This may not be your experience.

I am not at that retail job anymore but sure learned a lot about people and me. I believe today that a job like the one you describe would "take me out."

It is okay to want to do something different. Sobriety opens a whole lot of doors if you have the courage to turn the door handle.

[DaveH]

Waldron,
I would not do well in a job like that either and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. Sometimes it just means that I am not where God intends me to be and I know it will be temporary if I can trust Him. Maybe I have something to learn, or maybe I have someone to meet, I don't know. I do know that it always makes sense when I look back at my experience but rarely when I am in the middle of it. And while I am waiting for the change, I apply the one day at a time approach. I can do most anything if I only focus on it one day at a time. If you do not have a sponsor, I hope you reach out and get one. That is when my new beginning began. And for me, when I did the 7th step, God stopped being the helper in my life and instead became the owner of my life. I have never looked back. Although I have had struggles since, I always knew that I was going to be okay as long as I looked to my Higher Power. And for those times I would forget, I had people in my life to remind me. Be encouraged, you are in the right place. God has plans for you that you cannot even imagine today. You are going to be okay.
Regards,
Dave H

[stereotypical]

Wow. It sounds like you are really hurting right now. I don't have any advice or anything like that to give you but I can tell you what has worked for me when I have gone through situations similar to yours. When ever I have lost the williningness to stay willing is when trouble always heads my way. There are times where I have completely lost faith and hope while I've been in recovery. But it is usually due to me not staying focused on what keeps me sober. A higher power of my understanding. I can, do, and most likely will again get focused on materialistic issues and my life begins to lose meaning and purpose. When I lose my willingness, focus, and purpose I pray. Mainly I'll pray for the willingness to stay willing and for faith. It can be tough (at least for me) to pray when I don't feel God's presence. I almost get the feeling of "what's the point". He never lets me down though. He may not respond as quick as I think he should but the answers to my prayers are never late. Don't give up. I bet it is really frustrating to be in a job that you are good at but aren't happy. Maybe God is trying to tell you it is time for you to find something else.

[shrubbery]

Jean Paul Sarte in NO EXIT wrote "HELL is other people."

Guess what, a lot of times toleration is the highest form of love I find for some people who hopefully will not be adding to the gene pool.

Peace

[Bob-J]

Hi Deeters
Are you still here? It might help you to read page 449 in the Big Book Of A.A.
"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today."
Even after 13 wonderful years of Sobriety I still find myself coming back to this passage for inspiration and strength.

Love Ya!

[jollygirl]

Deeters,
I don't really have any advice as I'm not sober yet, but I just wanted to check and see if you are still around and doing any better??? Let us know! I'll be praying for you.

[DOUGWA]

I need help understanding something. All of my life I've had jobs that have entailed working with people, answering the phone, receptionist, whatever. I have hated every job because it's working with people. Since becoming an alcoholic and dealing with issues in my personal life, I have beeen able to fake that I enjoy working with people, but I actually and I hate to use the term "hate", but I do hate working with people. I've never understood why and I need to understand now.

I've been working with the state for 10 years answering phones and of course, processing paperwork. I had a terrible manager for 8 of those years who made my life a living hell. Then I finally got a great manager who is understanding and has tried to work with me.

When I'm in the middle of stress, my stress comes out in my tone of voice. I've tried to act happy, but I'm not and never have been. It's like the devil takes over sometimes and I just want to reach through the phone and say "Don't you have any common sense? You don't now what to put for a business name on an application? You don't know what 5 years of work history means? You want us to make your lack of planning our/my emergency?

The low down is insurance agents have 2 years to complete continuing education. They only have 24 hours to take and about 400 of them lose their forms and wait until the last minute to complete their education. Or I explain the entire process to find someone has been on their &*$(% cell phone and didn't write a thing down and I wasted time and my breath to answer something they had no intention of being responsible and calling from a land line to write down the information.

I've been to personnel several times because someone complained about my tone. Yet, I have and continue to go out of my way to help a lot of people which is never seen or heard. It's only that one dumb mother (#)D( who complains and then I'm in trouble again.

After I relapsed over a week ago and wanted to end everything, I've struggled with the desire to drink and/or end it because I feel guilty that I don't appreciate what I have and just wish God would take me. I pray for death every day instead of appreciating the life I have.

Can anyone tell me why my whole life I have hated working with people? I can type 100 wpm, and have other great skills that have carried me through, so I always have ended up in people jobs.

Why does it bother me when people are so stupid as to not read something and follow directions rather than calling us and wanting us to hold their hand and do it for them? Why does it bother me that I have to get the same person again on the phone after I've spent considerable amount of time explaining what they need to do?

Is it ego? What is it? I got called on it again yesterday (my attitude to a caller that was a dumb as a door nail and I mean she has not business being an insurance agent if she can't fill out a simple form). I transferred her to my lead worker because I could feel myself getting aggitated.

I have to have an answer as to what is wrong with me that I hate this job and having to work with people? I'm not a selfish person unless I'm in the middle of my own s...t. I have been unable to separate the 2.

Please give me your insight into this. There is no other job I can do at this time in my life. I feel so sick that so many people would give anything to have my job. All of my coworkers except one, just have a good time repeating themselves all day, having the phone ring one call after the other, they don't let it get to them.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I am not going to lie, I still wish God would take me and relieve me of the guilt I have for not appreciating what I have.

What is wrong with me?

Thank you to anyone who can help me figure this out or who experiences similar things.
:25::162::mad:

Well, I'll try. The fact of the matter is that many people have the problem you have which is not being patient with others. I have had it to vary degrees in my life. In fact, in recovery, I have been fired at least once for losing my temper.

You acknowledge you have a problem which is good first step. You would be surprised at the number of people who don't see being resentful at people as a problem.

"Resentment is the #1 offender, it destroys more alcoholics than anything else".

That is actually one of my favorite lines in the Big Book.

Anyway, you see that you are resentful and judgemental of people, lacking in patience and love. You resent your job because your lack of patience becomes apparent there and you compond the problem by resenting the job.

I suspect if you look closely you will find that you actually enjoy getting upset and irritable with people. There is a weird pleasure involved with hating people which is what you are doing.

How do you overcome it? Good question.

You need God's grace to overcome that problem.

Perhaps a little story will help. A few years back someone did me a great wrong ( I wont bore you with the details) but I became very resentful towards him. In fact, I wanted to kill him. Of course, I knew that was wrong but I just couldn't seem to get over the resentement. It went on for weeks. Finally, I talked to a wise friend about the problem. He pointed out something to me which I had never seen before. Not only was I resenting the person who had harmed me, I was also resenting my own conscience which was showing me I was wrong. Yes, I was actually resenting the truth. That was a pretty profound realization on my part. As long as I was resenting the truth that was showing me I was wrong, I could not get better. Realizing that helped me get better because although I was resenting the truth, I was greatful to be shown that.

There are some other things to. I had to resolve some very long standing resentment I had towards my mother which was very hard for me to even see let alone let get rid. It seems like as long as we harbor resentment towards anyone (even if it is subconcious) we are cut off from Gods grace which can solve the problem you write about.

Thats about the best I can do here. Observe your anger and irritation towards people (without resenting what you see) knowing that you are wrong, and I think you will find that it begins to diminish.

I might be able to help you a little more but not on a public forum. I would give you my e-mail address but Im not sure if its allowed here or not. If you would like and it is allowed, I will give it to you.

All the best

Dougwa

[Deeters]

Thank you all for sharing. I treasure all of your words and yes, it was a load off. Since I wrote that message, I have come to understand what a guilt ridden resentful person I've become over the years. Having been raped didn't bring me to that point, it was a life struggle of wondering why I was here if I was going to be so miserable.

We all have our story. All I know is today, I appreciate all of you who heard my cry to help in understanding "what was wrong with me." I do have a counselor and talked to him about the things I shared with you and we are working through those issues.

It's not easy for me to say I love you, but I do appreciate all of you who responded with caring and love.

I am so glad I found you.

Thank you especially Mary for giving me the link to these words of encouragement and hope. You are a wonderful lady and we are all blessed to know you.

May you all have a wonderful day.

Dee

[Bob-J]

Hi Dee
Bob here, sounds like you are on the right track and I wish you well on your journey

[Laina]

I know exactly what your talking about. I lost my job in june because the only way i was able to fake my way through work was to take handful of pills. I couldn't stand people's questions, i couldn't stand answering the phone, i really couldn't deal with my boss always calling me out on my attitude. Finally it got to the point where i was taking so much stuff i was nodding out at my desk (not good considering i was the receptionist) I haven't worked since and have no money but honestly i cant bring myself to work around people again. So whatever it is thats wrong with you believe me its wrong with me to. I wish i could say something to help, but all i can really say is know how you feel.

[flick]

Hi all and welcome to our newcomers.

Something that a brother told me that sticks in my head; the answer is in the question....Whats wrong with me?and "If I have a problem, the problem is in me"......

Dougwa, I want to thank you for sharing the following;
Finally, I talked to a wise friend about the problem. He pointed out something to me which I had never seen before. Not only was I resenting the person who had harmed me, I was also resenting my own conscience which was showing me I was wrong. Yes, I was actually resenting the truth. That was a pretty profound realization on my part. As long as I was resenting the truth that was showing me I was wrong, I could not get better. Realizing that helped me get better because although I was resenting the truth, I was greatful to be shown that.Awseome information!!!! gosh no wonder I have such 'head battles' at times, "resenting my own conscious"!!! Resentment is like acid; it eats away at the vessel that holds it....it's pure poison for our souls, very difficult to have a r/ship with God/HP when we are filled with resentment.

The big question is a simple question; "why"?...."why do I feel resentment"?....quite often when we sit with this question, pray about it, we will discover our thinking is very selfish....

I held huge resentments towards the whole system and everyone in it quite a few years ago, the system of child welfare....I resented their involvement in my life BIG TIME!!!!.....I always believed it was due to feeling loss of control of my life and those in it....however I have come to see that it was due to me being in total denial of how screwed up I really was....If I accepted what they said and did to be correct then I had to accept that what I was doing was wrong....I had to look at me and my defects......thankfully after going through re-hab for amphet use I was able to get clean and work on making some big changes in my life and have now had the 'system' out of my life for over 5 years. Being filled with resentment/s make us very ugly people to be around also I have seen, I can be very negative, malicious in word and generally extremely critical of others and self.

Why does it bother me when people are so stupid as to not read something and follow directions rather than calling us and wanting us to hold their hand and do it for them? Why does it bother me that I have to get the same person again on the phone after I've spent considerable amount of time explaining what they need to do?

Is it ego? What is it? Deeters, excuse me for being blunt; yes I believe it is ego, it's the 'arrogance' of an addict....no tolerance and no patience!!! I used to have chronic road attitude and about 6 months ago I came to see it as complete arrogance....'can't you drive faster/better/indicate etc etc.....

People have their own agendas in life and when we cease being so self focused, we can learn to become more compassionate/understanding/tolerant and patient!!

Some folk find it easier to ask others 'how to' than to sit and read through and grasp stuff that may seem simple to another.....hearing instructions can be quicker and easier.

Perhaps instead of looking at the negatives in your job, you could try turning them into positives; so glad "I" was able to help you...."sure if you need help with your forms feel free to call me, I've been through them a few times" etc etc...."acceptance is the answer"!!: accept that ok, you're great at your job; your job is to help others in whatever shape or form is required of your position. Try gratitude, gratitude that you have a job, gratitude that you have an income. Learn to accept and be grateful for what is, not what and how you think things "should" be.

Praying for resolution for you.:195: