Stopped ta pikup a Reason

[MrSoul1970]

yeh...ima Neil Young fan...Jerry Garcia was like my uncle, and Dylan amongst others...my musical idols...I'm gonna be 39 this year...aint too much i havent dun...smoked pot fpr 20+ years..100's hits of acid follwoing the Grateful Dead along the East Coast...and drinkin beers, well heck since I was like 10 sneakin out in the woods w/ my 'older friends usually....Anyhow...It's gotten to the point that I know I have to make changes...
--Workd on wall St for 15 years..Hollywood without the poperotsy(sp?)..(you'llsee that i'm not the best speller..ima numbers guy,but i type quxik as I am working trading stocks...)Anyhow..dont hold my Wall St job against me...I'm independent pretty much..just have one client that I trade for...not a golden parachute lowlife...100% commission...no salaries or guarntees here so...Just sayin...The only reason I mention my job is to illustrate that like Hollyweird..I've had access to pretty much everything and anything at anytime and enuf spare 'change to buy anything I've wanted...
--Anyhow..I was a cokehead for 6-7 years..pothead for 20+,always drank and for the past 3 years...i've been popping or snorting vikes and percs..
I have Meiners disease which causes vertigo,which causes panic attacks...But my panic attacks are present without the vertigo..especially lately. I take a small dose of xanax everyday ( .5)in am and (.5) when the market closes,then I'll take another .25 before bed usually.

I've always been the invincible one..but..no longer...i'm beat and weak...i have many many friends that have been thru programs etc...My one friend,former band memebr,when i had a life...told me..'because i am functional only do small amounts(but of just about everything)that it may even be harder for me to quit..see the light because i go on and on and never really hit bottom...Althoo, in my head, I have..
Now this saddens me to admit..All that being said..I have an awesome 3 1/2 yr old daughter and a 22 mo. old little boy...I'm home evryday after work...i dont go Out and party much at all..rarely see shows...and am very responsible as far as doing my duties at home..i'm the cook, i clean all the time and am extreml;y playful w/ my kids...but i always have to be a little medicated....
--One of my best friends and co-workers just checked into an "executive Rehab cenet out west,,He was doing 6-7 grams of coke a day..13-15 oxys+ patron or some other top shelve booze...he is a horse...did lines the size of my thumbs...This is NORMAL life for alot of people in my biz, but alot of them cheat on their wives,go out till 2-3 am w/ ''client's etc...So I sit here and say...'well at least i'm not as bad as them'', when in doubt i Know i'm wrong..

More history...my wife and i used to do mounds of blow,drink together and she'd be good for a pack and 1/2 a day...We both stopped doing blow in 1998 when we bot a small condo down the shore toget ''away'' from the scene on weekends..Anyhow...SHE gave up eveything a few years back once we were pregnant..I know she holds against mem that i havent, but she doesnt know the extent to whcih i Sneak this lifestyle quietly behind her back...Ima great provider adn both sets of parents adore me..I'm SOOO lucky, my wife unfortunatly wont admit that she has had some post-pardum since the 1st baby..Even her own parents tell me..''just hang in there with her..we know she can be tought etc..shes not herself...you know how much we love and apperciate all you do for her.."
So, who am I?..the 'sad clown"?...I dunno..i just knlw I need to change but could nevr go away for weeks..my cleint would never understand and i would lose all my biz and am not qualified to do anything else...
--ugggggggggg
--rant over for now...i'll be around...checking in when I can thru-out the trading day....

This would be my 1st real step in making any type of move to cleanse my soul.

Thanks for listening y'all..have a Grateful Day.

Mr. Soul

[MrSoul1970]

It's ok, I'll reply to myself...after all, the song "Mr Soul" is about Neil talking to his inner conscious...his own soul...Thats what he wrote in his terrifc auto-bio.."Shakey".

Anyhow...i hope my ramblings didnt make light of any issues in my 'HellO' post...its just that I have ta type fast and i have a nosey co-worker that Lurks over my shoulder at times...so was just being quick...

long story short...i am currently drinking about a bottle of wine a night + 6-8 perc 10's throughout the day,along w/ Prescribed Xanax...(at least I stick to the right dose on that one)

Anywayz...its 3:40, the markets closing and i am hoping to check back here and find some similar stoires and guidence...if possible...

[yukonm]

Thanks for sharing your story here with us. I am glad you decided to take a step toward living an abundant life. Please keep coming back.
:67:

[Bob-J]

Welcome MrSoul, Glad you are here. Believe me giving up the high cost of low living saved my life.

[jollygirl]

I feel like we are from two different worlds, but I also feel like I can totally relate to you. I was taking 20-40 Vicadins and 20-40 Ultrams a day, but Klonopin twice a day (which I never abused my benzo either, like you). I am a Children's Pastor, mother to two young children, and in social work. I have used this to keep me from getting help for over a year now since I realized I had a problem. I have been on this cycle for over two years. I finally realized last week that I couldn't do it anymore. Since then I've realized....

*My whole church and the social work agency I work with will figure out I have a problem if I overdose

*And while I felt like going away for 30-40 days makes me feel like a horrible mother, how much worse would it be to have my children go to my funeral.

Those are the hard things I have had to look at. I am heading off to detox tomorrow (hopefully!!! I was supposed to go today but no beds available)

You have made the first step to getting help. Your addiction will give you every reason as to why you can't get help, but you are the only that can decide when enough is enough. Please keep coming back here, no one will judge...we've all been in your shoes and all had to wait until we were completely ready to seek help. We can support you as you make your way down this path with what you decide to do!

[zoomie]

Mr. Soul, I was a dabbler in drugs. I only tried acid a couple of times and I loved coke,but was too poor to buy it thank God,but I'd know who the guys where to get some when I wanted some for the price. I had two small children when I went to rehab the first time. (I grew up in LA by the way and know that anything goes). Compared to a lot of folks I did not do much,but for me I did. After that rehab stay I have been clean off of "street drugs" for over 20 years. I did however go back to drinking. Again I did not drink as much as some,but it was messing with my life in a way like I was drinking a lot. I wanted to stop drinking and the only way I knew how to stop was to go to AA. There are other ways to quit,but I found being around my peers who did not drink helped me to stay sober. To me your amount of drugging and drinking are a lot even if your comparing yourself to others in Hollywood who do more. A bottle of wine at night mixed with pills would have me too hung over to do anything. It's dangerous too! I hope that you came here to start a new life without drinking and drugging or perhaps your just using this as a sounding board. You can get clean and sober without a long stay away just by going to AA. You might however tell your doctor whats been going on and they can help you detox. I'm 45 years old and 4 and a half years sober,so you can start over anytime you like no matter what your age is. Sounds like you have a good job and a wonderful family. You have a lot to stay sober for. If it helps to come here and post to help keep you clean then come here and post. I know it helps me to reach out to others who are in the same boat. I hope to see more of you and as with the rest of the people on here you will have my support!

[MrSoul1970]

yukonm ::Thank you for responding,I'll be back

Bob-J...."the high cost of low living"
ya know...my favorite line,well the one of all grateful dead lines of songs that i feel has become most appicable to me is.."
.."I'm havin a Hard Timeeeee...Living the Good Liiiifffe...welllll I knowwwwI've thought about adding to my other 2 tattoos w/ that line...

I know what u mean...thank you for responding...

jollygirl!!
Best of Luck honey..i've read some of your posts/replies here...u seem like a very generous person that gives so much to others but have left not enuf time or 'giving' to yourself...I guess I feel the same way...I switched from vikes to percs to cut back on the acet.--due to the fact that I drink as well....so waaaaayyy to hard on the liver(and unfortuntely easier for me to snort).
I REALLY wish you the best in detox...i will be thnking of you in both thoughts and prayers..I promise. Go get'm and Keep the Faith!
Hopefully you are going to a cenetr that allows you outside contact via internets etc. I know my friend who is there rt now is allowed to touch base and actually work from the center...not sure how much or if they were just telling him to get him there..( i heard that some do things like that althoo not sure if i beleive it,that would make me pack up and leave if i was lied to , so hope not).

So I hope to hear from my friend this week and from you as soon as you can revisit this wonderful place.

zoooooooooomie!

Can I borrow your Angel???:wink:

1st off, thanks for taking the time to respond.Without a doubt, I have signed on this site to 'sound off a bit I guess..but I AM looking to make changes in my life..I DO have so much to live for and contribute..I Love my kids soooo much but been dabbling( to say theLeast) for so many years, No doubt I have a habit, a problem...I just wanted to find mutual people and possibly some new friends..I don't take any of this lightly but you will find that I try to included some humor is my posts..You have to laugh...but at the same time...Obviously i know that I am in the worng and have gone to far , even if i am functional.
I'll be around( God willing), Thanks again for your time.

The Market is about to open and I have some trading to do..FINALLY up 380 yday..Lets Hope it can last!!

Checki in later...Thanks Y'ALL !!

[zoomie]

LOL Mr. Soul, too bad i do not look like my angel :) You will probibly need a medical detox, so why not ask your doctor? Sometimes you can do it from home. I hope the market is good today. It must be hard in your profession to see it drop all the time. It's nice mr. Soul to be on the right side of the street. I was always afraid I'd get caught or something when I was doing drugs. My ex husband and I where pulled over once with our kids in the car and we where high as a kite. It was a friend of ours who pulled us over and we where with his sister getting high off coke. I remember putting the kids to bed and having parties. So not safe. My younger kids never had to go through that Thank God. My youngest was 3 when I stopped drinking,so he has no memory of mommy and daddy drinking. It's not such a bad life no being high or drinking any more. Sure you'll miss the buzz at times,but the rewards are so much greater.

[Chewi]

Welcome! Keep coming back!

[MrSoul1970]

i've started some at home detox , for my general overall health,its a product of the "Salvia hispanica" seed family..."Mila"-LifeMax....it's called..its suppossed to Wonders for overall health,stress,energy etc..withOUT any harmful stuff...after just a few days of it..i am already waking up w/ more energy then usual and it Defly detoxifies your body as well w/ all the atnti-oxident benefits...and i've been taking Milk Thislte maximum and Liv-52 for a couple years now and its completely brought my liver enzymes in line....I've cut back on my drinking to , well, less then a bottle at night most nts...I mean there were points where I was good for a couple beers..cose to 2 bottles..pills and smoking myself into a pot coma basically....usually on friday nts well after the kids were in bed...I'd hit y self made studio in my basement...nuthin fancy...just some apms,pa and stand alone recording mics...But I mention because I'd play back the next day and hear me slurrin my way thru the songs as the nt went on, sometimes to blackouts where i didnt even remeber playing them....of course if yer playin Dylan,Dead and Neil songs...the 'slurrin' worx..(lol)...Anyhow....I'm getting better, certainly aware and making some steps slowly but surely..I Defly do not plan on going backwards...I'm just kind of tapering things back in general...Hoping that works, at least as a start....
I'm tryin...One Day at a Time.

thnx again for the support...all around...!

[Doraine]

You can get sober a day at a time. My only regret in sobriety is that I didn't do it sooner. You can't be a parent if you're using.

[MrSoul1970]

You can get sober a day at a time. My only regret in sobriety is that I didn't do it sooner. You can't be a parent if you're using.


I hear you Doraine, I'm trying , that's why I'm here. Beleive me..there are many things that a ''parent" should not do...Obviously any type of substance abuse ranks amongst the highest....Anytype of complusive behavior is unhealthy..where it be 'using(of any sort)..overeating..being absentee,being phsyically or mentally abusive...The list goes on and on....

Being a parent is the hardest and most important job in the world...With that comes fear and stress etc...I am also going through and anxiety at home course with my wife.....

Eliminating boozing and other substances is something must work on...and I am..

Thank u for taking the time to reply and I wish you continued success!

[zoomie]

You can too be a parent while using, just not the best parent you can be. I'm sorry if I contradicted anyone,but when I drank I tried to be a good mom anyway. I was not the fall down drunk type nor the out all night bar hopping mad woman. I just drank after 5 and caught a buzz only sometimes I would drink more than I should have. We all have our own bottoms and also our tollerance of alcohol and drugs. I was never a mean drunk and most of my bad drinking was when I was younger. I think being a parent gives you a reason to want to do better for yourself and for your kids. I think If I did not have kids I'd be out partying,but when you have kids even when your drinking in some cases you are there for them even buzzed. Soul man you sound like you have a heart of gold. I'm glad your here trying to do better for yourself and family. It's not easy to try and give up what was a big part of your life. But we all grow up (sometimes not til later) and give up that which is harmful for us and our children. I have faith in you soul man that you will find a way to beat your addiction. I hope you go to your doctor soon and tell on yourself. It's the first step in getting well.

[DavidNOLA]

Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

[MrSoul1970]

zooooooooomie...Bingo...I agree w/ everything u said...Well, the KIND words towards me were nice too, but I mean, what u were saying about ..not being a falldown drunk and an absentee parent so to speak...I'm all over my kids....extremely playful w/ them and cautious about everything...I mean...we dont even use plastic cups...all stainless steel because they dont leak any harmful stuff into their little bodies once repeatedlty washed...But thats just the beginng...from healthcare to doing Shrek and Donkey imitations on demand...Si like you said.."yes..you can be a parent while 'buzzed'...BUT I know it's not for the best by any means and surely it could be dangerous...I will and am making changed...I've already cut back to more like 2 glasses of wine as oppsed to 5-6...and tapering back off the pills too...I've made mistakes and obviousy everyone here Knows..'Old Habits are hard ta break...

Like Jerry sang in the song Wharf Rat( which ''wharfies" and deadheads in recovery) some Grate folks there...but....one line is..."ill get back on my feet some day...make a new start.."

I'm confident I can be Better and the other line the song.."I'm On my Waaayyyyyyy"..

Of course Jerry's overall addictions and terrible health did take Him from us...Was a Sad Sad Day...One I'll never forget.

which Segways me into DavidNOLA's respnse to me..

Well, I aint always right but Ive never been wrong.
Seldom turns out the way it does in a song.

Wow, NOLA must be a tuff place ta stay sober...God Bless ya man!

As I picked up my matches and was closing the door,
I had one of those flashes Id been there before, been there before.
:1:

[zoomie]

(((((((((((((((Mr.soul))))))))))))) Glad you came back to post! One day you will put everything down I'm sure of it. I was down to two beers a night when I stopped. I felt the less I drank, the more better I'd feel. I just wanted to quit because I already knew so much about alcholism. I was at one point taking my meds along with drinking. It gave me a crazy buzz. Not to repete myself, but you really should talk to your doctor if your going to quit all together. It's not safe to detox alone. I quit alone only because I was down to two beers a night and felt I was not going to detox. I did however go to AA and it has helped me so much to stay stopped by being accoutable (sp) to my peers. I only went to NA a few times,but again I stopped drugs over 20 years ago and drinking was my thing. When I was younger however I drank like a fish sometimes up to 20 drinks in one party session (it lasted more than one day for sure LOL). By the time I hit my 30s between 4-6 would get me real buzzed (of course in my younger days I had coke to help me drink more). I would get a real bad hang over any more than 6,so I did not drink that much at any given time for fear of the hang overs. One time on my anniversary I got drunk and threw up,so that taught me not to drink like a fish. My story is not hard core,but I did drink a little while preganant and that is what my guilt is over. I did not drink to get a buzz while preganant. It was because I was so sick that it seemed like only a couple of beers would calm my tummy down so I could eat or smoke a ciggy. Even so I was acting selfish and should never have risked it. As of today I do not drink because I take medication and I would become a danger to myself while on medication and drink. Pretty dangerous stuff when you think about it all. I have to remind myself everyday why I do not drink. Thats why I come to web sites such as this. I cannot make it to an AA meeting everyday,so I use the computer as one of my tools. It's easy to forget the reasons why you do not drink. For problem drinkers can say I was not as as bad as some,there I can drink. I'v seen so much in AA and on the web of people who lost everything because of drinking or doing drugs. I don't know if I'd ever get that bad,but why risk it? Anyway, sorry for the long post! I just woke up and feel chatty. Have a great day!

[MrSoul1970]

No worries about the long post, I enjoy....anyhow..Yeah, I'll be 39 this Nov. and the last 2 years or so, my Hangovers have gotten SOOOOOOO Bad...like they last 2 days...heart racing,sweating...taking my blood pressure evry 10 minutes...I'm actually "Grateful" that the hangovers are So bad..It stops me from overdoing it( most of the time anyhow)..Even as litle as a year ago, every Friday nt, I'd be in my studio after the kids went to bed...not even realizing how f-ckd up I was getting ...going to bed at like midnight and feeling like absolute Death the next day..HENCE, the Vicodine to help erase the hangover and beleive me it does...but then it turndd into an everyday thing,swicthed to percs due to less acetaminphine..( such a Smart responsible guy huh..lol..NOT) because I drank so much that I knew it was too harsh on my liver....But I syated away from striaght Oxy's...even thoo I had Sooo much easier acess to them...I've only dun like a few 1/2s here and there...I Know personality...so I stayed away....Anyhow...Its a quiet day on the market....It's pizza fridat at the Soul House and i defly plan on taking it easy tonight...probly will still have a couple guiness...cause i'm not totally there yet...but getting there...Like i said..Friday nt's I'd put myself into an oblivious state and I used my recording music to do so...Then like I've said, I'd hear the playback, how it started out decent and turnd into a mumbling mess...Probly a good thing...and Now, I enjoy playing Not Fd up sooo much more...I mean a beer or 2 and a few tunes....but eventually( hopefully sooner then later, I wont even 'need that). Some of my best playing are on Sunday am's or mid afternoon when I havent had anything...so...

One day at a Time

Cheers 'zooooomie"

<< Holdiing up a virtual 'root Beer >>:1:

[zoomie]

LOL your too funny. I drink Diet soda it does not matter what kind. I hope you do stick with 2 beers tonight. I'm going to try and relax too by watching TV. My life is not as exciting as it once was,but for that I am greatful for. Although I do have older kids 22,21,and 18 that make life interesting. The younger kids are 13,12 and 7. The 13 year old just discovered boys and has her first crush. I had to sort of crush her telling her she cannot date til she is 15. Just don't want her to end up wild like the older kids. I only tried qualudes (sp) 2xs and popped a lot of black beauties in my day,but I never really liked pills after my black beauty faze. I still sometimes get cravings to get on speed and to lose the wieght that comes with age. O Well, better to be fat and happy than thin and into pills. Besides I'm really afraid of heart attacts and felt my heart jumping out of my chest when I use to do too much coke or black beauties. Don't miss those feelings!

[MrSoul1970]

I tryo to keep some humor in my life, even about things that arent 'funny'...but yeh, i'm gonna keep it light tonight for sure, w have the baby sitter all day tommorrow , so my wife and I are gonna try ta just have a nice together,we need it babdly and I dont want to be hungover ...Not for her..Not for me....Our 3 1/2 daughter had us up at 12;30 ,1:30,3, and 5 am...ruff ruff nt, think she was having some bad dreams...SHE is a Drama queen thoo...and she's been walking around w/ a pitchfork lately....but then of course she is our angel as well...tuff age I guess..

anyhow...Wow, you have aLOT of kids..God Bless ya....

Like you said...Luckily I DONT miss the 'coke/( and belvedere vodka for me) days...My wife and I could do Mounfs of that shhht...we'd mix...booze,coke,shrooms,even excstacy and then zannys or valium to get ta sleep.....I vaguley remeber laying on the floor thinking that I might die tonight...heart pounding but numb and motionless barely staring at he celing...I'm SOOO so glad those daze are over for me....I've dun blow a few times since the late 90's but just a bump here and there..Probly been almost 2 years since I have tried any at all....I HATE that shhht...Luckily my anxiety and fear of having a heart attack stops me from doing it...The shhhht is so accessible to me....

Well, enjoy the weekend zooooomie..Nice meeting you.

have a nice weeknd as well

[zoomie]

Glad to know you do not do blow any more or that would be a hard habbit to stop. You have a nice weekend too! Enjoy your time with the wife and I hope that you are not hungover too for both your sakes. Don't miss those days either!

[paulm]

MR.SOUL,
I can relate to the battle of being a high bottom. the miracle happens when we accept that we are defeated, (So I've been told). the big book has the line, we conceded to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic... with that said, we can concede that we are powerless over drugs, that the wheels are spinnning out of control or that we just don't have the fight in us anymore.. what separates me from a low bottom that is still climbing the ladder, is that I want off of the ride.
the challenge is that I need to accept that I have the problem, so when things are going exceptionally good, really bad, or I think I want to be normal again (because after all, I didn't really have a booze or drug problem, I had a me problem and me is Okay today) I need to still not pick up.. or as the big book also says, Recoil from it as from a hot flame.

I love AA though I'm not an alkie, I love NA though I haven't returned to my drug of choice in a few 24's. so all that reminds me that even though I want to sometimes, and eventhough I have another drunk in me, the door may close on the desire to quit I may not have another chance at recovery..
God Bless

[MrSoul1970]

MR.SOUL,
I can relate to the battle of being a high bottom. the miracle happens when we accept that we are defeated, (So I've been told). the big book has the line, we conceded to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic... with that said, we can concede that we are powerless over drugs, that the wheels are spinnning out of control or that we just don't have the fight in us anymore.. what separates me from a low bottom that is still climbing the ladder, is that I want off of the ride.
the challenge is that I need to accept that I have the problem, so when things are going exceptionally good, really bad, or I think I want to be normal again (because after all, I didn't really have a booze or drug problem, I had a me problem and me is Okay today) I need to still not pick up.. or as the big book also says, Recoil from it as from a hot flame.

I love AA though I'm not an alkie, I love NA though I haven't returned to my drug of choice in a few 24's. so all that reminds me that even though I want to sometimes, and eventhough I have another drunk in me, the door may close on the desire to quit I may not have another chance at recovery..
God Bless



thanks for responding paulm, my wife and I are going to Barnes and Noble to buy brand new Bibles tommorrow, one for each of us...we have an old one, but not one that we can easily keep w/ us....
i've been keeping a joirnal too, althoo i havent written in it in weeks....because its in my bedroom that is all plasticked off cause we are having our master bathroom redone...its 25 years old, so we're treating ourselves to a brand new bthroom...pretty psyched for its completion...we're doing a very peacful light theme....

anyhow...much continued success and well-being....God Blessings back at ya!

[nisijoey]

:12: I just wanted to say good for you. Take it one day at a time and it is great that your wife supports you.:12::195:

[jobongos]

yo soulman ... man o man , dont you know you just trading seats on the titanic ... THE SHIP IS STILL GOIN DOWN BROTHER.. you got a brother here my man , i have found the yellow balloon meetings myself. i am a working musician , and let dope take my career a few times, i know for me , there wasnt no weaning off , sure i bull****ted myself for a few months till the pain of living outdid the high resolve i had , ha ha .... it became clear eventually that "just a few beers" always made me break out in spots.. yep, spots like the crack house , the shooting gallery , the pawn shops , hospitals and jails.... i have a disease , called addiction ... i have an allergic reaction to any mind altering substance , once i take any substance my body needs more, i need to stay level . i can try to maintain and manage my intake , but it always wins .. well for what it is worth , i finally surrendered years ago and dont bull**** myself or others anymore into thinking that i will ever be a gentleman crack head , only using socially ha ha ha .. surrendering to others who have been where i was and letting them show me a new way of life is amazing , i live relatively free of pain and guilt and shame and excuses today. and i do this by working with other addicts who want what i have been given so freely. go ahead , pull off the most creative , courageous event in your career ....SURRENDER... to victory..

[DavidNOLA]

Wow, NOLA must be a tuff place ta stay sober...God Bless ya man!


I used to think the same thing. Until I walked into the doors of an AA meeting and felt the serenity dripping down from the ceiling. I wanted what they had! Many incredible men and women from the city of New Orleans have gotten sober and stayed sober no matter what has happened.
I work a block off Bourbon St. and walk down it every morning and afternoon.
With the twelve steps and a spiritual bank account that I am constantly making deposits into, I know that just for today I don't have to drink.

Ain't Wastin' Time No More

With the help of God and true friends, I come to realize
I still had two strong legs, and even wings to fly.

[MrSoul1970]

hey bongoman...thanks for responding/sharing and for the honest advice w/ the 'snare and 'beats of humor....good stuff....and again, I hear ya bro...i aperciate you tellin me 'u have a brother here'....and I know just because i havent ended up in jail or hospitals or a crackhouse( well, actually once in hoboken...althoo i was getting blow and,not crack but.,,(at 3-4 am)--GOOD STuff, Lemme tell ya...Felt like a Real winner that am, walking outta there w/ 'church bells ringing'..Just awful ...awful....Yes, watching the beautiful sunrise with chattering teeth..stupid shht-eating grin..talking 30 minutes to eat a saltine..(lol)..YEppers..Real good for ones self asteem....Regradless..I dont think I'm really BSing myself...I just cant go into full home detox...so I'm tapering the booze and pills to where I can stop...Getting back to exercise...not being dependent on Any substances...I rteally have been doing better..Like 80% better then less then a year ago...( as far as the booze goes for sure..)I knw that the titanic is sinking and I'm on the boat...I want to bea surviver...I'm not kidding myself...I'm not/and havet gone backwards...I know what my goals are and I'm tryn to be realistic. Even the small amount of time here has made me think when I'm at home has made me think about what I'm doing. For instance I told zoooomie, that i'd only have 2 guiness friday nt's when Id usually be good for 3-4 beers then a good 1/2 bottle of wine...So I milkd the 2 beers...then Did pout a glass of wine, thougth about, and poured it out...Grabbed some water and poporn and watchd tv w/ the wife...
It's having an effect on me. I'm taking it 'One Day at a Time ' bro....I'll get there...
Thanks man.

--------------------

Good for you David, "Aint Wasting Time No More"

just tryin ta make a livin' , doin the Best I can

Thanks brudda

[zoomie]

Good morning Mr.Soul, glad you poured out that wine. Anything that you do to help your recovery is good. Just wish you would talk to your doctor :) Glad you enjoyed your time with the wife. It's so important to keep our loved ones close while we go through the recovery process.

[MrSoul1970]

Good morning Mr.Soul, glad you poured out that wine. Anything that you do to help your recovery is good. Just wish you would talk to your doctor :) Glad you enjoyed your time with the wife. It's so important to keep our loved ones close while we go through the recovery process.

I'm actually going to speak w/ a doctor who specializes in recovery and all around addictive behavior.

Unfortuntely, my wife and I have been going thru very difficult times, justw/ the 3 year and old and one year, we've been having issues communicating and just gving anytime to ourseleves. My wife is strong yet fragile.She does not know the extent of my issues espcecially w/ the pills and I couldnt lay that burdon on her right now. She and is going thru a very difficlut time, She has had flucuationg bloodwork that ''could be'' indicitive of an auto-immune disease such as Lupus or Schleradoma...a couple years ago the issues faded away but ut some resecent blood work has made these problems re-surfaced and she is frightend to death...So am I, but more for her mental well-being. I Do Not beleive that she has any of these diseases but she has convinced herself that she does. It was a very very hard weeknd and I have been as supportive and gentle and caring for her as I possibly can. Obviously I really took it easy this weeknd, but I certainly could have gone the other way. This situation has actually brought us closer together and has made me realize how much I love her, when rescently our marrige has been suffering badly.

We are going ona lttle retreat close to home this weeknd..some yoga,meditation,massges etc and some nice dinners at night. Our kids have been ruff and sucking the life out of us and we never go anywhere anymore. But unfortunately she has this horrible cloud hanging over her head,because she cant see her specialist till mid -April...And I tell her, 'if they Really really thought that you had something serious they would fit you in immediately...But she is so far convinced, Its just really terrible all around..

My Mother offerd an entire Mass for her on Sunday and I've been praying alot for her...
But in the midst of all this, I'm tryong to break habits that I've had for 20+ years...So I'm doing ok,not perfect, But like i said...I'm not going any deeper or backwards...
Just very hard rt now.

Anyhow, Thanks for lisetng again.

[zoomie]

You are right. If it was anything important the doctors would see your wife right away ( I would think at any rate). No matter how we get to recovery, slow or fast, as long as we keep the goal in mind thats the important part. Good for you for going away soon with just you and your wife. My husband wanted to wisk me away too this week for a little R and R,but I have too much to do and it's expencive. Maybe once I'm done with school I can finally relax. Kids do suck the life out of you LOL. Just wait til they are older then all bets are off. I'm glad you can come here and "talk". It's so important to have a place to go or someone to talk to. Glad your are seeing a doctor! It's a load off my mind LOL. (((((((((((((Big huggies to you and your wife)))))))))))))). On a side note. It's really up to us who we tell about our addiction and how much we use or don't use. I still get confused on how much I used or did't use. My drinking was up and down. Most of my hard drinking was in my teens and early 20s,then it did not take much for me to catch a buzz. I did stop for a number of years in my mid to late 20s after my rehab stay. I was told by a shrink that I was not an alcoholic,but I abuse alcohol. Sooooooooo I went back out again. Long story short. I never could drink like a lady meaning one drink would never do. Can't say i drank like a fish either. Alls I know is that alcohol or any drugs are bad for a person and I drank when I should not have. The price I pay now is not to drink one day at a time with the help of AA and people on boards such as this. Not saying you should go to AA,but it might help with your quiting and keep you responcible for yourself. have a nice day. I'm off to the showers and waiting for the kids...

[MrSoul1970]

Thanks zooooooooooomie, you hav a Nice Day as well:1: