Sponsorship Issues!

[SugarScars]

Hello, fellow addicts,

I hope everyone is doing quite well today. Mondays are sometimes hard for me, personally - but not as hard as Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays ... and, certainly not as hard as Fridays! Those days always challenge everything that I have .... I get tired as the week progresses, it seems.

Anyway, I'm trying to make a meeting a day - it's hard, I work a lot. I am looking for a sponsor. I've been looking for advice from those in the Fellowship (or any 12-step wisdom) regarding sponsorship.

First of all, I was in the program of Narcotics Anonymous years ago. I had a sponsor and began working step one. I stopped and dropped out. A month or two later, I came back. My sponsor's trust in me was shattered. She had me do pre-step work, before she had me move onto Step One (again).

Well, I dropped out again! I was a very bad NA member as a youngster. Now, years later, I want to do it right. I've been going to meetings regularly for two months now - meetings all over the city. Even meetings in other towns! I figure, since I used all over the place at all hours of the day, I can go to meetings all over the place, at all hours of the day. I call NA members whenever I feel lonely or like using. Although I'm still on Suboxone, I've successfully not used street drugs since May 30, 2008. (However, I'm re-thinking whether or not I'm going to count my suboxone time as clean time ... now that I'm understanding a little bit more).

ANYway, so now that I'm back, I'm eager to start working a program. I'm working Step One on my own time. I've seen my old sponsor two times at the same meeting. She has NOT approached me to say hello, has NOT asked me how I am doing, has NOT asked if I am still needing her to sponsor me, has NOT expressed an interest in how I am doing.

I approach HER, I hug HER, I ask how SHE'S doing, I say that it's good to see HER, and I'VE CALLED HER FOUR TIMES NOW, leaving a voicemail each time. I've left callback numbers, and left my number in her voicemail. It's a cell phone that she has, I can tell by the voicemail and the phone number. She HAS to be getting my voicemail messages, but is CHOOSING not to call me back.

When I've seen her, I've asked her how she is doing. She's said, "Life is CRAZY!"

I've also experienced some paranoia, thinking that she didn't like me because she shared in a meeting that something happened that pissed her off today (the first time that I called her, perhaps?) and she's in a really bad mood about it. She didn't talk to me at all at that meeting.

But then, maybe I'm just being an addict and thinking that everything's about me.

What should I do? Any advice would be appreciated!

xo Sugar

[DaveH]

SugarScars,
Today if someone does not return a call, I don't automatically assume that it is because I did something wrong. I do spot check myself (just like you have done)to make sure that I haven't behaved in a manner that requires an amend. Today I know that if I am not part of the problem, I cannot be much of a solution to it. If I do nothing to "piss" someone off, there is nothing healthy I can do to make that better. Regarding sponsors, looking back I know that my Higher Power directed me to the correct person. And if the one I selected was not the right one, I would have known that too. I was pretty self absorbed, so God would have had to make it very obvious to me. I suppose my HP would have had the person not return my calls, ignore me at meetings, etc. etc. Fortunately, my first choice was the correct one. And I selected him simply because he had what I wanted; sobriety and a peace of mind that was reflected in the way he spoke to others and behaved. I was a handful in the beginning and he was firm in his convictions but he ALWAYS returned a phone call. Today, I consider him my best friend and a huge blessing in my life

Sounds to me like you can react to this situation in two ways. You can spend time and energy time trying to fix something which appears that you did not break. Or spend time looking for someone who has what you want. Either way, you are in my prayers.
Regards,
Dave H

[janbear]

maybe your Higher Power has someone else in mind to sponsor you. I suggest keeping an openmind and listening to the other ladies to see who has want you want.

[jobongos]

hi , good to see ya gettin in and gettin clean... sponsorship aint a popularity contest , i had to finally pic someone i didnt really like ,we were not at all alike, he didnt lie , cheat , steal , hide from fear and think he was the cats meow , like i did. he did work these steps to the best of his ability and make himself available, he also was sure enough of himself that he had no need to put up with any of my ****.i couldnt hustle him , i couldnt hold him emotional hostage by my greatness , ha ha .. and it worked well , his job is to lead me thru the steps , nothing else . it is up to me to work these steps , and to surrender to a higher power and a competent sponsor. i finally made it work for me , by saying to myself... well i will listen to him and if i dont want to do what he says i can do what i want , but finally i realised that his point of view was a practiced and practicle way of life that i had no idea how to employ. it took me a while to get there , i went thru a bunch of sponsors , and quite a few white chips (enuff of em to tile my bathroom) we now have a great relationship , he has taught me to like myself , and to strive towards being a much better person. it is all this is really about , that is the spiritual side of this. again glad u are here , just stay in stay connected , and surrender...

[skyhook]

Hey Sugar,

I think everyone we meet in life has something to offer, whether its a potential sponsor or someone in the check out line at your local market.

The "something" may be good, bad or neither..., we have to decide if its worthy to remember or shrug it off and move on. Sponsors serve an important role, but they are just one character in this movie, keep your expectations in perspective. Coaches don't play the game, players do.

Whoever your sponsor ends up to be, remember that in a few short exchanges, they can share pearls of wisdom with you that took them years/lifetimes to uncover for themselves. All you have to do is show up, listen and recieve. If you're like me, you may need to hear it over and over (this is the retraining of our mind part), but its a quick and easy way to hear anothers "history" and then apply it to our "now."

This may or may not be your sponsor, but you are certainly learning what kind of a sponsor you don't want to be...when your time comes.

Peace to you.

[SugarScars]

Thank you all so much for your insights, encouragement, wisdom and strength. I feel much better about the situation having read everyone's replies, and I can't thank you enough. This board is a really recovery-oriented place - I'm so glad that I found it! Not all recovery boards are about recovery like this. And for a newbie like me, who can't be at meetings 24 hours like I'd like to be ... well, it's good to be able to hop on here when I'm stressed out at work and get my fix of recovery! (pardon the disturbing expression, but it is how I feel.)

I am so glad that I posted this when I did, because last night I went to a meeting (am toying with the idea of calling it my home group) and saw my old sponsor. She looked at me and told me that she's finally plugged my number into her phone, and laughingly told me, "Baby steps!" I did not get the feeling of ill will from her, thank goodness. She isn't mad at me, I don't think. If she was mad, she's not mad anymore. She was flirting with all of the young boys and being the charmer that she always was. I love my old sponsor, but I think maybe she isn't the right sponsor for me now, like each of you said. Maybe my HP has other plans for me now.

I'm going to keep an open mind and seek out women who have what I want, like you all said. It's so true - I need to find a person I can admire, not someone who reminds me of where I've been (not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just trying to move on now).

There was a woman at the first meeting that I went to who brought a beautiful message of recovery to the room. I don't know why I didn't make that group my home group and pick her for my sponsor that first day. I guess I was afraid of making a mistake. Now, I think I made the mistake of waiting too long. As I type this, I realize that things that seem comfortable to me (the other group that I'm thinking of making my home group, my old Sponsor) are probably comfortable for the wrong reasons. They have that Old Draw for me, that promise of something exciting - in the wrong way. I probably should not call my home group the second place. That place is full of young, beautiful people who are incredibly lost. I might think it's the place to be, but that's just because I'm crazy up in my head!

The first potential home group only meets once a week on Mondays. I'm going to go to that meeting next week, even if I have to leave work a bit early. I'm going to listen for the message of recovery. If she's there, the woman that stood out to me as happy and serene, I'm going to ask her to sponsor me. So far, she's the only woman who's really seemed to me like someone who's in a peaceful place, a place I want to be.

I'm not trying to judge the others - they're certainly fun. We're a young Fellowship, though, and quite a few folks come in and out of the rooms a lot. This keeps them connected to the streets in ways that are somewhat unhealthy, but relate-able. Last night, I went to dinner with a bunch of addicts and at first I had fun. After about 15 minutes though, I became let down by the topics of discussion and reactions to issues. There was an awful lot of 13 year-old behavior happening there. I don't need that in my life right now. I've already been 13, and done 13 year-old things. Time to grow up now!

Thanks, again, to everyone who offered their stories!!

HUGS,
Sugar xo