lotus
03-23-2009, 10:05 AM
Hi Everyone. I'm Lotus and I'm an Alcoholic.
I got sober 4 years ago through another program smartrecovery.org
I've been in Alanon on and off for years before that from my mothers drinking/drugging.
I had been exposed to AA and the 12 steps, but I never had a real bad bottom, I just got sick of the fear, uncertainty and doubt that constantly plauged me when I drank and afterwards. Not to mention the incredible anxiety I had with a hang over. I am a binge drinker and it really is Russian Roulette. Quite often I would go out with the guys saying I"m only going to have a couple" to only drive drunk and stoned home, but I was fine in my own mind. I have 3 boys and a wife and the cars in the garage with a job. I got very lucky. My Higher Power for some reason kept me safe. Caught me when I feel through a 30 foot Pine Tree in college and landed in the branches about 10 feet off the ground. Then guided me up the 40 foot tree I climbed after that. HP kept me and those around me safe when I drove home obliterated from my brothers college and woke up on the beach with the car running and my friend in the passengers seat. The list goes on and on.
The fact is when I pick up a drink or a joint, it's a crap shoot how its gonna turn out for me (and anyone around me).
I had a surgical procedure where I was given a sedative while they did the procedure and I was "awake". The nurse was stunned at how cognizant I was in the recovery room, saying, "have you ever had a drug/addiction problem, we only see people react like you when they've had this problem", I lied and said no. But this sealed the deal. I always had a hunch I was an alcoholic/addict, but I didn't have the low bottom or the loss of anything (other than time and brain cells and self esteem).
I bounced in and out of AA for a few days at a time, but got sober through SMART, all on "my" will and effort.
The problem for me is that all the garbage under neath that drove me to drink, the fear, insecurity, doubt, resentment hasn't been fully dealt with. And I trick myself with my buddhist meditation that I'm doing a spiritual path, even though to a large extent it is, it is missing one critical piece, my HP and getting "Me" out of the way.
I've always been drawn to the 12 steps and made it through step 3 w/ an AL-Anon sponsor who did it by the big book, so I want to get back on that.
The fact is alot of the time I'm a control freak, rager (internally), angry, insecure and until I work this program I know in my heart I'm not going to be free.
The regular obsession to drink/smoke has been gone for a couple of years, but all the crap is still there.
Anyway thanks for listening and good to be here.
Lotus
I got sober 4 years ago through another program smartrecovery.org
I've been in Alanon on and off for years before that from my mothers drinking/drugging.
I had been exposed to AA and the 12 steps, but I never had a real bad bottom, I just got sick of the fear, uncertainty and doubt that constantly plauged me when I drank and afterwards. Not to mention the incredible anxiety I had with a hang over. I am a binge drinker and it really is Russian Roulette. Quite often I would go out with the guys saying I"m only going to have a couple" to only drive drunk and stoned home, but I was fine in my own mind. I have 3 boys and a wife and the cars in the garage with a job. I got very lucky. My Higher Power for some reason kept me safe. Caught me when I feel through a 30 foot Pine Tree in college and landed in the branches about 10 feet off the ground. Then guided me up the 40 foot tree I climbed after that. HP kept me and those around me safe when I drove home obliterated from my brothers college and woke up on the beach with the car running and my friend in the passengers seat. The list goes on and on.
The fact is when I pick up a drink or a joint, it's a crap shoot how its gonna turn out for me (and anyone around me).
I had a surgical procedure where I was given a sedative while they did the procedure and I was "awake". The nurse was stunned at how cognizant I was in the recovery room, saying, "have you ever had a drug/addiction problem, we only see people react like you when they've had this problem", I lied and said no. But this sealed the deal. I always had a hunch I was an alcoholic/addict, but I didn't have the low bottom or the loss of anything (other than time and brain cells and self esteem).
I bounced in and out of AA for a few days at a time, but got sober through SMART, all on "my" will and effort.
The problem for me is that all the garbage under neath that drove me to drink, the fear, insecurity, doubt, resentment hasn't been fully dealt with. And I trick myself with my buddhist meditation that I'm doing a spiritual path, even though to a large extent it is, it is missing one critical piece, my HP and getting "Me" out of the way.
I've always been drawn to the 12 steps and made it through step 3 w/ an AL-Anon sponsor who did it by the big book, so I want to get back on that.
The fact is alot of the time I'm a control freak, rager (internally), angry, insecure and until I work this program I know in my heart I'm not going to be free.
The regular obsession to drink/smoke has been gone for a couple of years, but all the crap is still there.
Anyway thanks for listening and good to be here.
Lotus