Powerless.

[ZM706]

Hi everyone. I am a 32 yr old marijuana addict. I relapsed on Dec 15th 2008 and its been a downward spiral every since then. I lasted maybe 3 months sober last year beginning in Sep , going to meetings , working the first 3 steps , sponsorless, and eventually i went to fewer and fewer meetings not taking it seriously and ultmately began using again using the excuse "Oh its the holidays so its okay if i get high , I'll just quit again on Jan 1st 2009." This plan failed horribly. And now i find myself in a pit of debt , self-doubt , unmotivated , hopeless , depressed, afraid and unsure of where my life is headed. I'm one of those abusive addicts. I smoke the sh#t EVERYDAY. Days I'm off ,ALL-DAY. There is something fundamentally wrong with me.

I want so much to be free again. I want to interact with my family without having red eyes and that goofy "I'm loaded" smile. I want to love my wife without having to share that love with the drug. I want to stop treating my body like a trash can. I want to STOP giving all my money to my dealer. Fooling myself into thinking that just because i buy small quantities somehow that means im not spending as much, when in reality im buying so many "small" quantities it winds up being "all" of my money spent. I've allowed my brain to become so consumed by my addiction that I wont even check my bank account balance out of fear that it would put me in a foul mood and would affect my decision on whether or not to buy more dope. I know ... sad.

I dont have any childhood baggage (abuse) , clinical deppression , physical problems , i hope i dont offend anyone but i have NO EXCUSE to get high the way i do. I get high like its going out of style. I dont get high out of anger , sadness, etc. , i do it because somehow ive foolishly convinced myself that thats just who i am. I dont wanna be that guy anymore. Always "chillin'". Things i used to love to do i feel like i have ZERO interest in now. As i'm typing this my brain is still plotting to "score" later.

I hope i can fing the strength and courage to give it all to God. I hope he gives me the strength to stand tall when the urge REALLY kicks in this afternoon. I hope my wife knows how much i love her and how much i want to provide a great life for her and my kids. I hope my kids know how much i love them and that im sorry for not being the father i know i can be for them.

I need help guys. Due to the downfall of the economy i was laid off my job and i have TONS of free time on my hands Im scared to death of what that might lead to.

so if anyone wants to drop me some pms or e-mail me or whatever , i can use the company and or support. Im trying to stay away from friends who arent helpful to me in this situation, which has left me pretty lonely at the moment so if anyone could use a new online friend or aquaintance just holler at me.

God Bless you all

[yukonm]

Hi ZM706,
Welcome to CRF. Admitting powerlessness is a big step in the right direction. Have you considered finding some NA meetings to attend? You will find people there who have been where you are and are willing to support and encourage you on the journey of recovery. You don't have to do this alone. We are a fellowship of caring people and we are here for you. Please keep coming back.

[flick]

Hi and:322:

i have TONS of free time on my hands Im scared to death of what that might lead to. Ok, for starters, let's turn this around; having tons of free time on your hands is a wonderful thing, and instead of being scared to death of where it might lead to, how about seeing it as a really positive thing; try 90 meetings in 90 days for starters!!!! "Clean friends" with an abundance of support, encouragement and hope.....

I am forever telling my sponsor, recovery friends and others that I never seem to have enough time in my days....have to really focus on making my recovery come first....I wish I had the time to give more to recovery of me and others!!! I'm a little envious of your time!!:wink:

Truly, get yourself to N/A meetings, look at getting a sponsor and working the Steps....addiction is addiction, no matter the reason behind it....

First and foremost do this for you, then do it for your family man, they need you!!!....I blew it with my kids a few years back, lost my then 5month old baby to 'the system' and lost most of my contact rights with my 4 other kids through my addictions....trust me it so ain't worth trying to get that far down!!!!! I ended up on the streets with a highly abusive partner.....(also an addict).

I've been through a lot of heartache and **** hard work to get where I am today, which really is still only the beginning of the journey for me, but by gosh I'd rather be here today than back there where I was.....

I want to love my wife without having to share that love with the drug.:29::29:my partner is an alcoholic and yep I have to share his love.....and for us on that side of the fence, it can be very painful!!...not trying to bag you, just sharing that I understand how it is. It's can also be very confusing for us to grasp why you'd continue to abuse yourself when: "There is an answer", and "it works if you work it"!!!!!!:wink:

"Hang in there" and "Keep coming back" :1:

[skyhook]

I hope i can fing the strength and courage to give it all to God. I hope he gives me the strength to stand tall when the urge REALLY kicks in this afternoon. I hope my wife knows how much i love her and how much i want to provide a great life for her and my kids. I hope my kids know how much i love them and that im sorry for not being the father i know i can be for them.
__________________________________________________ ______________

I love people. I hate what drugs do to them. I know what they have taken from me.

The drugs blind to the truths that are right before our eyes. Drugs give us permission to rationalize the slow destruction of our lives. Drugs give us false hope that somehow it will all work out,.. that somehow we are mere spectators to this massacre called addiction.

We would never allow an intruder to come into our home and plunder our family, and we certainly would not spectate at the event.

Congratulations for beginning to fight back. Hope is a good place to start, but hope without action makes a spectator. Hope is what gets the gladiator in the ring,,,it is his actions that gets him out alive.

Peace.

[zoomie]

HI and welcome. Can't realy add to whats been said except pot is a sneaky drug and can be very exspencive to maintain a habbit. NA is free and easy to join even if you had a relaps. People will welcome you back with open arms.

[MrSoul1970]

I hope i can fing the strength and courage to give it all to God. I hope he gives me the strength to stand tall when the urge REALLY kicks in this afternoon. I hope my wife knows how much i love her and how much i want to provide a great life for her and my kids. I hope my kids know how much i love them and that im sorry for not being the father i know i can be for them.
__________________________________________________ ______________

I love people. I hate what drugs do to them. I know what they have taken from me.

The drugs blind to the truths that are right before our eyes. Drugs give us permission to rationalize the slow destruction of our lives. Drugs give us false hope that somehow it will all work out,.. that somehow we are mere spectators to this massacre called addiction.

We would never allow an intruder to come into our home and plunder our family, and we certainly would not spectate at the event.

Congratulations for beginning to fight back. Hope is a good place to start, but hope without action makes a spectator. Hope is what gets the gladiator in the ring,,,it is his actions that gets him out alive.

Peace.



GREAT GREAT STUFF...TFS!:1:

[CD BUCKBERRY]

ZM706,You got to try what you did before to get clean.It worked then,I was a marijuana user for 38 years plus what ever got me up,down high,driving sideways,no moderation what so ever.I came in the rooms four and a half years ago.I told myself it will never work,it did and iI am happy and have learned a new way to live.

[jollygirl]

I'm glad you found this board and felt comfortable enough to share so openly. This time last month I was hoping all the same things. I was hoping that I wasn't one high away from seeing my husband and kids walk out the door. I was hoping my husband would not realize where our money was disappearing to. I was hoping that I wasn't going to overdose that night. I was hoping that this wasn't going to be the time that I got behind the wheel and got a DUI or worse hurt or killed someone. I understand what you are going through. 21 days ago I entered an inpatient treatment center and it was best day of our family's life. Only you know if that is the option for you, but sometimes we just need to be removed from our life and focus on ourselves and our recovery for a little bit of time so we can stay sober for a long time (by staying sober one day at a time).

Please keep coming back and posting, you'll get lots of support and understanding here. We've all been there in one way or another!