Dealing with Death in recovery

[Erick]

On Thursday this last week, I came home from a home group meeting and my wife says "I have some news and you need to sit down." Naturally, being the addict that I am, I don't sit down but get a cup of coffee. She then tells me that my Grandfather passed away at 11:15 that morning. I was stunned because that was when I left to go to the meeting!

A death in the family is something that I can usually get over, but this one is rough because I have MANY fond memories of my grandfather. He told me the first dirty joke I ever heard, he took me on a truck road trip from Seattle WA to Baton Rouge, LA, I go to the camping lots that he owns nearly 3 times a year if not more. How can I go there now and not break out into hysterics?

I deal with death but I cannot handle funerals. As is traditional, the eldest grandson has to be urn bearer. Unfortunately, that duty falls into my hands. This sucks! So not only do I have to do what I don't like doing in the first place, I have to deal with being eyeballed by family who don't really like me being around, even after 5 years of recovery, and have to carry the mortal remains of a man whom I dearly cherished. Kind of a moral crusher in my opinion.

The only thing I have right now is the support of my wife, who has been a rock for the 10 months we've been married, my sponsor, my sponsees, and meetings. I need those now more than ever, and if I don't use them, then there's a better than good chance I'm gonna go get loaded. That's not what I'm about today.

If you read this, then please reply with some tips on how to maintain focus on recovery, while still trying to deal with losing someone you've been close to for 30 years.

Thank you.

Your Friend in Recovery,

Erick

[thereishope]

Oh erick...
I am soooo sorry for your loss, so very sorry.
No it is not easy by any means and down right painfull and the way your family treats you is not nice from what i read here, i am sorry for that as well.
But i do have something to say as i was reading this is that you and your grandfather had a wonderful relationship. Apparently he was proud of you and loves you anyways and gave you hope and treated you decent just because he loved you. Well out of the whole family you get to carry the ern. The ern of your beloved grandpa who loved you no matter what. Ill just bet he would be so proud for you to have that honor FOR HIM.
I pray it puts a different side to your question. I know you are hurting something terrible and i pray for peace for you.

[Camel]

Hi Erick,

I'm sorry to here about your loss. I will be praying for you and your family:195:. And good on you for reaching out and talking about this. It say we trudge the road of happy destiny, meaning there is struggle along the way. The beauty about this is, you can stay sober threw this and that will become strength. You will be able to share this with someone in the future who may have the same situation. I wish you the best with your duties at the funeral, I'm sure you will do fine. Sometimes when i find my self in a situation that I don't like or doing something I don't want to do. I remind myself that it is my HP that wants me right where Im at, and I ask for his guidance and will.

Hang in there:42:

Camel

[Faith92208]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not easy losing a loved one! I'm coming up on the first anniversary of the death of a family member that I was very close to, and since I didn't stop drinking until September, I obviously got drunk almost the entire week. So when I stopped drinking, I finally had to deal with reality. I've had some unpleasant emotions because of the anniversary coming but I think hey, she would be happy that I am living a sober life, and I'm sure your grandpa is happy for you too.

I do have some advice - take things at your own pace. Take as much time as you need to grieve. Talk about stuff when you want to. Cry when you want to. Look at (or not look at) pictures when you want to. Know that some days you won't be thinking about it, and then it will punch you hard in the gut. Hang in there. The Serenity Prayer also helps tremendously (this certainly falls under the category of things we cannot change...)

Big hugs - hang in there! :42:

[flick]

Hi Erick, I too am very sorry for your loss.

It's really good that you felt able to come here, reach out and share how you're feeling.

As for carrying the urn with Grandpa's mortal remains, stand tall, be proud, this is someone you loved very dearly, honor him on the day!!!

regarding maintaining sobriety, get back to the basics, "one day at a time", one minute at a time if need be, and yes, the Serenity Prayer is very helpful. Remember; "we are powerless over alcohol/drugs", and please don't pick up. From reading your share I'm hearing you have a great support system, "allow yourself" to lean on them during this difficult time, we humans need others for comfort and support. And remember the programme is a "we" programme "you don't have to do it alone"!!!!!

Allow yourself to grieve, if you want to shout, shout, cry, then cry, be numb, sit with it.....there is a process of grieving we all need to go through. It's when we deny ourselves those emotions, that process, that we can come undone.

"Keep coming back" and sharing, I know for me writing helps heaps!!!

Praying for you and your family.:195::195:

[janbear]

Hi Erick, First of all i want you to know you are in my prayers this morning.
I know what it is like to lose loved ones in recovery. I lost my Grandfather several years ago, my father almost 3 years ago, and my sponsor last year. With the help of others and my Higher Power i stayed clean. Support is very necessary at times like this, and i am just glad you reached out and asked for help. Stay closer to meetings than usual and the supportive people, dont be afraid to cry. Grieving is part of the process and don't let anyone take your grief away from you. But please keep moving forward. My new sponsor has been very intrumental in helping me with the loss of my loss old sponsor. If you have a Higher Power take advantage of their power. HP can grant peace in the rough times. HP is there when no one else is and thats when i have had some of my roughest times. My grandfather was the only one in my family that i felt totally comfortable with and felt accepted by so that loss was especially difficult. Believe in the miracle of recovery and don't use no matter what.

[DaveH]

Erick,
I too am sorry for your loss. Many of us know the pain of losing someone we loved dearly. I have buried close family and friends also. One of the most surprising things I found out in my own journey was that sadness is survivable and a broken heart heals. That may sound trite to some, but I did not know that I could walk through grief sober. I had never done that prior to the program.

Also as I read about your grandfather my first thought was how blessed you must feel for having had someone like that in your life. Our grandparents add to our lives things that no one can ever take from us. It sounds like you had such a relationship. Know that I will be praying for you and your wife. Hold your head up, take it one day and one step at a time. You are going to do this in honor of your grandfather, no one else.
Kindest Regards,
Dave H

[sioux]

I just came home from my father's memorial service yesterday. It is the first death close to home I have had to deal with since getting and staying sober in 1991. I am his baby, and this man taught me so many things. No one will ever love me as unconditionally as my father did. He never wrote me off.

I have watched a lot of people go through this in recovery; many fall apart. What is it that we are supposed to do? Find calm in the stormy sea. I wanted to maintain some dignity and be the person he would be proud of at a time like this. He is the person I would model my behavior after.

I have had my moments, but I have made them private moments. I have tried to handle this with dignity and respect. I have said the Seventh Step Prayer daily...for courage and strength to be of usefulness to others. That is the ultimate promise of recovery.

I did not bombard meetings with my grief, but suffice it to say that I said my father was passing, has passed, and I want to feel every moment of this experience. I saved the intimate details for sponsor and a few trusted friends who were very supportive.

I prayed for usefulness and problem solving skills. That is the ultimate promise of recovery....we are called people I believe, individually and collectively,to demonstrate how to handle situations that used to baffle us. My daily Seventh Step prayer allowed me to see things more clearly, to be helpful to others. Selfishness is my biggest character defect, and so I had to really apply what I have learned about helping others. That is the key.

When and where the time was right, I allowed my own tears to flow freely. There were times when my husband held me, or my daughter found me in my room and put her loving arms around me. Some may disagree with how I handled things, but my grief is very great, and I am learning.

I got to hold my father's hand when he passed. I heard his last breath, and got to walk with him to the edge and say my good-byes. Just imagine if I had been drinking or using. What a gift this recovery has given me, and you too.

Remember your grandfather forever in your heart and head. Look for things that he would expect you to be doing, and ask your own Creator for the courage and strength. It is hard, but we are men and women made new people.

[Stogi]

Hi Erick,
My heart goes out to you brother, I know where your at .
Three months into my sobriety my first wife passed away. That was the most trying time of my life . What was important was that I stuck close to my family , sponsor & Higher Power. The times when I was alone with my thoughts and feelings were the ones where I was the most vulnerable. You're not alone in this brother. Remember what's kept you sober and cling to it.
I'm suppose to tell you the feeling of loss goes away or fades with time . In some aspect it does. I'm suppose to tell you life goes on and it does,as it's ment to. You still have him close to you, in your heart and memories. It would be a great memorial to him if you pass on the same kind of memories to your grandchildren. You can't do that if you ain't sober.

Wes

[Leadfoot]

The only thing I have right now is the support of my wife, who has been a rock for the 10 months we've been married, my sponsor, my sponsees, and meetings.
Shouldn't God be on this list? After all, Wives, Sponsors and Meetings don't keep us sober.
God keeps us sober!