d10y
04-09-2009, 07:33 AM
Hello My Name is Denise and I am alcoholic/junkie.
I dont feel anyone's bottom is lower than the next.. I truly believe that we are NOT given more than we can handle. so what is extrem to one may be trival to another and vice versa. I dont feel it is about who lost what and how they got there... I believe it is about the soul sickness we endure I feel it is about the loneliness and despair. about dying inside spiritually...
About a yr before I was forced into sobriety I would cry and plead with "God" please help me I cant do this any more.
Every time I would fix or take another shot tears would roll as I begged for help. I was ...Soul Sick. Spiritually dead.
in the Big Book of AA it teaches jails, instiutes and death as 3 certian things if we were to continue in active disease.
I have done all 3 now I know you may say "you'r not dead!" For me personally it was the spiritual death I feel is far worse then the physical death.
that last yr I was ohhh wow... Not at all a nice person. I verbally abused my family I was no longer able to function without a dose or a drink.. I abused myself ,sex... well lets just say I awoke a time or 2 wanting to naw off his/her's arm ...then demand some payment for services rendered. Cause they we're soooo ugly
I no longer lived in sunshine but had moved into darkness. I came to from a couple black outs the 1rst no big...the 2nd VERY scary I awoke but naked in the gutters of East L.A. Comptom. I had began this run with some friends in Palm Springs started it on Friday and woke on weds. Still I was not finished there... I ran for another 4 mos. Then one day my 3 yr old goes out to play when people dressed in black clad and semi automatics in his face screaming "FREEZE"!! Imagine the terror my son must have felt... upon this fatefull day I was not only arrested but my children was litterally torn screaming from my arms as the state took them into protective custody. I awaited sentencing at maximum security Robert Presely County jail in down town Riverside, Cal. ok now I have lost any faith I held onto and now I began to curse God I was angry w/Him for a long time I had prayed begging for His help and this is how I was helped.. Oh I hated God... I detoxed HARD in county for the first time since I was 9 yrs old I didnt have my crutch. I detoxed off alcohol after 20 active yrs of drink and herion after 13 yrs of daily usage.
and who knows what else I had in my system. I had died inside and wanted to just be dead. The county jail I was in was max. securiety. and we were locked in a 2 man cell for about 16 hrs out of 24. I had suffered a "mild" heart attack. I laid for 3 days in my own body fluids b4 the C.O's decide to look in on me....
I was sentenced to 4 yrs state and was housed at Chowchilla woman's correctional facility in N. Calif. still I was not done.my
1rst 6 mos was assingned to the kitchen and me being the good criminal stole the makeings for hooch..Now I am beyond angry w/God. I cursed Him... Did I not ask and pray beg for His help b4?! and this is my help... So one afternoon I am on my way to the library when the biggest bull dyke on the yard(no offense intended) walked up to me put her arm around me (now I think ok this is it this is what we see on tv..) Said:"I know who you are, I know where you have been, and I know away back". As I looked up to the most beautiful eyes so full of compassion and understanding for the 1rst time in I couldnt remeber how long I saw Hope. She took me to my 1rst meeting and becane my 1rst sponsor. She just celebrated 19 yrs sober and is serving a life sentence. Her and I stay in touch. I will FOREVER be greatful for her. she showed me there was hope and that I could recover from what seemed a hopless state as I stood at the gate's of hell.
about 2 1/2 mos. later I am now working step 3. it is the mid. of the night lights out when I realized God had answered my prayer He did NOT leave me but showed me Grace.
I was reading a printed step 3 from the 12 x 12 and I am having a hard time turning over my will to the care of "Some God" I felt had abandoned me.. as I read the paragraph on pg 34 where it teaches us to take action and how it was I who had blocked God out of my life.. well needless to say I went on a trip w/that one who was it who had begged and prayed for a yr for Him to save me... Then it continued on saying that faith to be sure is necassary,but faith alone can avail nothing, we can have faith,yet keep God out... as i read on me being the worldly practical thinker find that this step is impossible for me. how could I turn over to a God who had betrayed me. So like on pg 36 I think if I keep turning over my will to something or somebody what will become of me... how is it I can understand a concept of God or Higher Power and then be willing to turn over to it /him daily? Had I not already turned it over to him when I beged for mercy? fighting my ego I was beginning to become spiritually frustrated, I was soul sick.. The truth is the more willing I became to depend on a Higher Power the more independent I became. I had found true independece spiritually...
When... Oh wow! Light bulb moment... I realized God had answered my prayer He did NOT desert me. He had shown me mercy and granted me grace... I was listening to a bunkies TV she was watching Cops when I put my plight into human terms...
What if I had a precious valuable item someone or something was tring to rob me of... what would I do? I would lock it up! I would keep it away until it was safe once again... ANSWERED Prayer! I AM A valued precious gift and the disease was stealing me away. I was soul sick spiritually dead. I cried! For the 1rst time I cried tears that cleansed my soul and renewed my Spirit.
on a final note in the 12 x 12 pg 37-38 Step 3...it teaches us "Therefore, we who are alcoholics can consider ourselves fortunate indeed. Each of us has had his own near-fatal encounter with the juggernaut of self-will, and has suffered enough under its weight to be willing to look for something better. So it is by circumstance rather than by any virtue that we have been driven to A.A., have admitted defeat, have acquiered the rudiments of faith, and now want to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to a Higher power."
For me this shows it isnt about what we paid meterially but by what we have paid spiritually.
Thank You for letting me share!
I dont feel anyone's bottom is lower than the next.. I truly believe that we are NOT given more than we can handle. so what is extrem to one may be trival to another and vice versa. I dont feel it is about who lost what and how they got there... I believe it is about the soul sickness we endure I feel it is about the loneliness and despair. about dying inside spiritually...
About a yr before I was forced into sobriety I would cry and plead with "God" please help me I cant do this any more.
Every time I would fix or take another shot tears would roll as I begged for help. I was ...Soul Sick. Spiritually dead.
in the Big Book of AA it teaches jails, instiutes and death as 3 certian things if we were to continue in active disease.
I have done all 3 now I know you may say "you'r not dead!" For me personally it was the spiritual death I feel is far worse then the physical death.
that last yr I was ohhh wow... Not at all a nice person. I verbally abused my family I was no longer able to function without a dose or a drink.. I abused myself ,sex... well lets just say I awoke a time or 2 wanting to naw off his/her's arm ...then demand some payment for services rendered. Cause they we're soooo ugly
I no longer lived in sunshine but had moved into darkness. I came to from a couple black outs the 1rst no big...the 2nd VERY scary I awoke but naked in the gutters of East L.A. Comptom. I had began this run with some friends in Palm Springs started it on Friday and woke on weds. Still I was not finished there... I ran for another 4 mos. Then one day my 3 yr old goes out to play when people dressed in black clad and semi automatics in his face screaming "FREEZE"!! Imagine the terror my son must have felt... upon this fatefull day I was not only arrested but my children was litterally torn screaming from my arms as the state took them into protective custody. I awaited sentencing at maximum security Robert Presely County jail in down town Riverside, Cal. ok now I have lost any faith I held onto and now I began to curse God I was angry w/Him for a long time I had prayed begging for His help and this is how I was helped.. Oh I hated God... I detoxed HARD in county for the first time since I was 9 yrs old I didnt have my crutch. I detoxed off alcohol after 20 active yrs of drink and herion after 13 yrs of daily usage.
and who knows what else I had in my system. I had died inside and wanted to just be dead. The county jail I was in was max. securiety. and we were locked in a 2 man cell for about 16 hrs out of 24. I had suffered a "mild" heart attack. I laid for 3 days in my own body fluids b4 the C.O's decide to look in on me....
I was sentenced to 4 yrs state and was housed at Chowchilla woman's correctional facility in N. Calif. still I was not done.my
1rst 6 mos was assingned to the kitchen and me being the good criminal stole the makeings for hooch..Now I am beyond angry w/God. I cursed Him... Did I not ask and pray beg for His help b4?! and this is my help... So one afternoon I am on my way to the library when the biggest bull dyke on the yard(no offense intended) walked up to me put her arm around me (now I think ok this is it this is what we see on tv..) Said:"I know who you are, I know where you have been, and I know away back". As I looked up to the most beautiful eyes so full of compassion and understanding for the 1rst time in I couldnt remeber how long I saw Hope. She took me to my 1rst meeting and becane my 1rst sponsor. She just celebrated 19 yrs sober and is serving a life sentence. Her and I stay in touch. I will FOREVER be greatful for her. she showed me there was hope and that I could recover from what seemed a hopless state as I stood at the gate's of hell.
about 2 1/2 mos. later I am now working step 3. it is the mid. of the night lights out when I realized God had answered my prayer He did NOT leave me but showed me Grace.
I was reading a printed step 3 from the 12 x 12 and I am having a hard time turning over my will to the care of "Some God" I felt had abandoned me.. as I read the paragraph on pg 34 where it teaches us to take action and how it was I who had blocked God out of my life.. well needless to say I went on a trip w/that one who was it who had begged and prayed for a yr for Him to save me... Then it continued on saying that faith to be sure is necassary,but faith alone can avail nothing, we can have faith,yet keep God out... as i read on me being the worldly practical thinker find that this step is impossible for me. how could I turn over to a God who had betrayed me. So like on pg 36 I think if I keep turning over my will to something or somebody what will become of me... how is it I can understand a concept of God or Higher Power and then be willing to turn over to it /him daily? Had I not already turned it over to him when I beged for mercy? fighting my ego I was beginning to become spiritually frustrated, I was soul sick.. The truth is the more willing I became to depend on a Higher Power the more independent I became. I had found true independece spiritually...
When... Oh wow! Light bulb moment... I realized God had answered my prayer He did NOT desert me. He had shown me mercy and granted me grace... I was listening to a bunkies TV she was watching Cops when I put my plight into human terms...
What if I had a precious valuable item someone or something was tring to rob me of... what would I do? I would lock it up! I would keep it away until it was safe once again... ANSWERED Prayer! I AM A valued precious gift and the disease was stealing me away. I was soul sick spiritually dead. I cried! For the 1rst time I cried tears that cleansed my soul and renewed my Spirit.
on a final note in the 12 x 12 pg 37-38 Step 3...it teaches us "Therefore, we who are alcoholics can consider ourselves fortunate indeed. Each of us has had his own near-fatal encounter with the juggernaut of self-will, and has suffered enough under its weight to be willing to look for something better. So it is by circumstance rather than by any virtue that we have been driven to A.A., have admitted defeat, have acquiered the rudiments of faith, and now want to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to a Higher power."
For me this shows it isnt about what we paid meterially but by what we have paid spiritually.
Thank You for letting me share!