I need a friend

[LoveIsPain]

My boyfriend and the father of my 2yro daughter is in rehab for the second time. I left him last time but we got back together last year while he was clean. Then he slowly started drinking again to the point where he was drinking 10+ beers a day then money started missing and i knew he was at it with drugs again. Monday he picked up his check and smoked(crack) its worth with was over $500! We got him into a rehab tuesday and so far hes doing good but im not so lucky. Im stuck with $15 and a 2yro and trying everything in my power to get money, ive called everyone i can think of but wont know anything till tomorow. I was already suffering depression and anxiety and this just ices the cake, im a mess. Im so mad but extremely upset at the same time, i want him to stay but at the same time i miss him and want him to come home. I cant handle it and im afriad im going to have a total break down and hurt myself. I cant see him for atlest another week and he can hardly make calls because of money, i only have a cell phone and cant get collect calls. I just need help and support and someone to talk to

[Midas]

Welcome aboard, LoveIsPain! I'm sorry you're going through this. You've come to the right place for love & support!

[zoomie]

Hi and welcome! We cannot give you money,but we can give you lots of love and support. Have you contacted your local churches, salvation Army or food pantries? What about food stamps? Just some things to think about...

[jobongos]

hi , and welcome ... for what its worth , your post reminds me of the pain and misery i put on other people back when... i was extremely selfish in my addiction , and have spent years trying to make it right with those i treated like you are being treated today. i pray he awakes to this soon and makes it right. i have children who have finally quit cringing at the thought of me , and actually look forward to seeing me and sharing their struggles and pain . there is a solution , and you can find help for yourself also , thru alanon/coanon , the help they provided my family and loved ones trickled down and helped me also , they cant provide financial help but the mental and spiritual stability will help you thru these tuff times. god bless you ..

[KeepComingBack]

There is a counter intuitive thing about "helping" a person in recovery. The only way that I was to hit bottom was when I realized that it was going to affect me. For sure you did not cause his addiction, you can't cure it and you can't control it. When he relapses you can be loving and supportive but you cannot make him do anything. So in a way you are not the one getting him into a rehab.

You can be honest.
You can be honest about how you feel (angry, sad, hopeless, indifferent, hurt, embarrassed, etc.) and that is part of being honest. You can explain these feelings because it is these feelings that will ultimately make you leave him or break up with him. You can also use RAIN. recognize the feeling. allow the feeling to happen. investigate the feeling and realize that it is natural. Give yourself the permission to feel. You are allowed that.

It would not have helped me to get my recovery if people made me do anything.

Also, this is a great time to focus on YOU. What is your stuff? It is easy to not work on yourself when someone else is the problem. Maybe you have a hard time facing things about you. I have posted this before but it really helped me.

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the people I can
and the wisdom to know that it is ME.

[LoveIsPain]

Thanks everyone. Ive called everyone i possibly can to help with money and just waiting for a call back. Im trying to focus on myself but i some how blame myself that this happened so im sitting thinking if i had done this. . . Or if i had gone with him. . . Or if we didnt fight so much this wouldnt happen

[nisijoey]

I am also married to an alcoholic/addict and we have a child together along with my teenage daughter. He has never been in rehab, but is trying to quit. I was at the point where you are......anxiety attacks, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, how can I handle this? Actually that was when I came across this site. It is wonderful! It has alot of inspirational advice and alot of people who are willing to listen.

I decided when I searched for this site that I had to make sure I was who my children needed me to be. I had reached the point where if it didn't stop I would be leaving, but I was going to make sure I was strong and healthy emotionally and I would be at a point where I wouldn't deal with it anymore. I felt alone because the only family close was his and I couldn't talk to them about it because they would take his side. I was able to talk to my sister and mom on the phone (they are in Arizona), but they weren't going through it and hadn't so I didn't feel they could understand; even though I knew they loved me and would be there in whatever way they could at the drop of a hat.

I searched out and found a couple of groups that dealt with families and friends dealing with an alcoholic/addict. It helps to go and listen and hear that someone else is going through what you are. They also taught me that it was ok to feel what I was feeling (just like what someone else has told you on here). I also learned that it was ok to detach, but detaching doesn't mean to stop loving. It is also ok to establish boundaries. I can't CURE him, I didn't CAUSE his behavior and I can't CONTROL him.....I can however CURE and CONTROL myself and I do CAUSE how I behave.

I began to see small changes in him when how I was reacting to him was different. He used to tell me that I wasn't working on my, but he was wrong. I was working on what I felt I needed to work on for me and my children. I no longer have the anxiety attacks when he relapses (it has been about 4-5 months since he has). There is also a more healthy environment in my home, especially since I started establishing boundaries.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to send me a message on here or you can email me at kitrinarc@sbcglobal.net. In the meantime I will pray for you and your child. If it is a friend you need, I am there for you.:42::195::42:

[paulm]

from what you are describing it sounds like you were the one who has been victimized, in a sense of the word. you didn't cause this, through all the thoughts that coming at you try to think about; not how could I have prevented this, you most likely couldn't have this time; rather, try to see how you can prevent it in the future with your boyfriend or whoever you have in your life. someone has to respect the finances that belong to the family.
blow your allowance shame on you, you don't eat lunch with the guys for a week, blow your check on dope your family doesn't eat for a week, bills don't get paid, and you jeopardize everyone.
Nothing is more selfish and more distructive to a relationship than that. what can you do, if you choose to keep your bf in your home and life, to prevent the same thing from happening in the future. remember your not to blame for this, but guidelines have to be established on how/what you need to do to protect your child..
i.e.
1. get a child support order have dedtucted from his paycheck and deposited to your bank.
2.if you choose to have him back, A direct deposit of part his payroll to cover his share of house hold expenses and partial to his own acct for his spending money. AFTER he pays back what gets defaulted on from his blowing all the money...

If you consider yourself a reasonable person and trustworthy and he's not open to help ease your fear that he's not going to realpse and blow everything again, then examine the person.

it sounds like you rely heavily on him for financial support. it's going to take effort, but look for options to get an income or more income.
good luck.

[nisijoey]

Thanks everyone. Ive called everyone i possibly can to help with money and just waiting for a call back. Im trying to focus on myself but i some how blame myself that this happened so im sitting thinking if i had done this. . . Or if i had gone with him. . . Or if we didnt fight so much this wouldnt happen

My husband used to try to make me feel that I was the reason he relapsed and it took awhile for me to realize that he made those choices and it didn't matter what I did......kept a clean house, didn't fight, whatever.....he would've still made the choice that day.

It is time to find help for you so your child has atleast one healthy parent right now.

Maybe he will succeed this time, I will pray that he will. But you need to focus on you and what is needed for you and your child. It may be hard, but if you believe in God or a higher power, it is said that we are never given more than we can handle. It may seem like it sometimes, but once we make it through, we have become a stronger person. Still praying for you.:195::195: