more Language of letting go for May

[shadowlady861]

Learn to say when

Chip turned the rented four-wheel drive Chevy Blazer off the road and into an open field. The three of us, Chip, Andy, and myself, were in Florida on a spur-of-the-moment road trip. We had met Andy at the drop zone, where he'd been trying out for a skydiving team. Now the three of us were on our way to Orlando. It had rained the day before. We started to tear through the field, when the right wheels slipped into a ditch.

Chip rocked the truck, backward and forward. The right wheels sunk deeper. Andy hopped out of the truck, looked around, and then climbed back in. "We're stuck," he said.

"I've got my cell phone," I said. "I'll call for help..."

Chip and Andy stared at me.

"You said you wanted an adventure," Chip said. "Well this is it!"

We all got out of the Blazer. The right wheels were entrenched in a ravine, and a large log was jammed into the underside of the vehicle. Andy had a plan. We'd each go try to find boards or wood that could be placed under the wheels. We returned twenty minutes later. The guys propped the wood under the tires. Chip got in the truck. The engine revved. The wheels spun. Mud sprayed. The truck didn't move.

"I could call a tow truck," I offered again.

About one-quarter mile away from the field was an intersection that promised, at least eventually, some passersby. We tromped to the intersection and waited. Before long, we flagged down an old Cadillac with a man and a young woman in it.

The man promised to return in a few minutes with his truck and his brother.

About fifteen minutes later, the two men and the woman appeared in a truck. They hooked a chain to the Blazer. Then they got in their truck and drove slowly away. They revved their engine. Mud sprayed. Then snap, the chain broke.

We looked at their truck. We looked at the stuck, muddy Blazer. We looked at the broken chain.

"Sorry," the two men said.

"Thanks for trying," we said. "Try calling a towing place," the taller of the two men said. "They'll come and get you out."

Andy, Chip and I got back into the stuck truck.

"Well," I said. "Are you ready to call a tow truck now?"

The truck arrived. The professional tower had us out in fifteen minutes, and we were on our way to Orlando. We had been stuck for more than six hours. The entire time, we all knew what we had to do to get out: call the tow truck. For a variety of reasons, we didn't want to do that until we got tired of being stuck.

Sometimes, getting stuck is the adventure at hand. We might not know what to do to move forward. Or we may be enjoying the drama of being stuck. We may be stuck in a grinding situation in a relationship. We may be at a plateau in our career. We may be stuck in our spiritual growth. We may have at one time liked and wanted to be where we've found ourselves, but now it's time to move on.

Learning to say when-- whether it's when we want something more, or something else, or when we've had enough-- is an important part of using in the language of letting go.


God, help me remember that I have the power to say when.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's enough

"Say when," my friend says as she refills my glass, meaning she wants me to tell her when I have enough juice.

Saying when is a simple idea that we can use in our daily lives, as well. Sometimes there is no visible end to the troubles that beset us, and all we can do is seek shelter from the storm. But often, it's up to us to decide when we have had enough. An irritant might be just a minor inconvenience for a while, but the longer it lingers, the more irritating it becomes. Say when. Say that you have had enough and refuse to let the irritant into your life anymore.

A draining person can latch on to a sympathetic ear. Know when that person is starting to take more than you are willing to give. Say when. The same can also be true of good things. Some of my friends like to make five, seven, and even ten or more skydives in a single day. I don't. I love the sport, but I also know when it becomes too much of a good thing for me. I say when.

Be aware of how much your cup can hold. When you have had enough, say when.


God, help me know and respect my limits.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's too much

I was sitting at the bus stop many years ago watching impatiently for the bus. I had been patient for so long-- taking the bus to the grocery store, lugging big bags of groceries home. Whenever I found myself feeling irritated about not having a car, I'd be grateful. I'd be grateful that I was sober and that I could get around. I'd be grateful for all the good things in my life.

Yet, it was getting harder and harder to be grateful.

The bus finally arrived, and I bustled my way on with my heavy bags, then lugged them the two blocks to my apartment after the bus dropped me off. I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't help it that day.

"God, I'm getting sick of walking and taking the bus," I said. "I'm tired of this. How much longer do I have to wait to get a car?

Within two months, I was driving an automobile.

It's important to be grateful. But sometimes, repressing our emotions and not saying how we feel about a situation is a form of trying to control the situation, too. We think if we hold our breath, don't complain, and do everything right, the universe will just benevolently give us what we want.

Is there some situation in your life that you've been hoping would magically get better if you bit your lip and wished long enough? If you've started playing the waiting game in a particular situation, tell yourself how you really feel.

Maybe it's time to say when.


God, help me forgive myself for having needs and desires.

[shadowlady861]

Know when to say no

Saying no is another way of saying when. Fpr some of us, the hardest word in the language to speak is the short, simple word no. Instead of saying no, we toil on. What will he think if I say no? Mary won't be my friend if I don't do this. The project won't get done unless I do it. I'm not a team player when I say no. A good Christian needs to sacrifice himself. Saying no is selfish. And the list goes on. We abuse ourselves, take no more than we want, and find ourselves bitter and resentful. And we've done it to ourselves.

Know your limits. Know when to say no. There may be a few people who are offended by the limits that you set, but usually those are the ones trying to control or manipulate you. Some well-meaning colleagues may tell you that you're being selfish, but your ultimate responsibility is to yourself. That responsibility includes knowing how and when to set limits.

Look at your schedule. Are you so overloaded or booked that you can't see when you could have any time for fun, relaxing, or your own personal growth? It may be time for you to start setting limits. Remember, you get to decide what's best for you.

Learn to say no and stand by your choice.


God, help me to have the strength to set reasonable limits for myself and to tell others when I cannot help them. Help me learn to say no.

[shadowlady861]

Learn when to say no and yes

Read the following sentences out loud.

"No."

"No, this doen't work for me."

"No thank you. This doesn't feel right for me."

"No. This isn't right for me at this time."

Now, try this.

"I have to think about that first, before I can decide, I'll get back to you later."

"I've thought about it, and the answer is no."

Now, read this.

"I know I said yes and that this was what I wanted. But I've changed my mind. This isn't working out for me. It's not right for me anymore. I'm sorry for any inconvenience I might have caused you."

Now, this.

"Go away and don't call anymore."

See, you can say all those things you thought you couldn't.

Now, read these sentences out loud.

"Maybe."

"Maybe, but I'm leaning toward no."

"Maybe. It sounds interesting but I'm not sure."

"Yes. That would be nice."

"Yes, I like that idea. When?"

"Yes. I'd love to."

"Yes, but the time isn't right for me now."

Those are your basic choices, with a few variations. Learn them. Memorize them. Then ask yourself when each answer applies.

Learn to honestly tell people what your real answer is. Look into your heart to decide when a thing is, or isn't right for you.


God, help me trust myself about when it's right to say no, maybe, and yes. Then help me express myself in an honest, loving way.

Activity: Do you have a difficult time expressing yourself? What is the most difficult thing for you to tell people-- no or yes? Try giving yourself permission by writing yourself a permission slip, then carrying it around in your purse or wallet. It might read something like this: Dorothy has permission to say no whenever she wants. Or it might read: I have permission to say no ten times this week, and yes five times. Then sign the slip, and let it be a reminder to you to own your power by saying no, yes, or maybe whenever each of those answers is right for you.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's worn out

Throw it away when it wears out.

John and Al were talking one day about a mutual friend, someone they both knew and liked. "Mark thinks he has to be in pain all the time," John said. "He defines himself by his resentments. He's always angry, always upset, and so deeply concerned about how terrible and tragic life is that he's always pulling out his hair and wailing about life. I'm worried about him," John said.

"Let him go," Al said. "People need to wear things out. They need to take their time wearing out their beliefs and attitudes before they're ready to throw them away. You've needed your time to do this. So have I. Give Mark the time he needs-- however long that is-- to wear his beliefs out too."

Are you attached to any beliefs that are sabotaging your life-- beliefs about your ability to be happy, joyous, and free? Life is a journey through places, through people, and through our beliefs. We wear these beliefs out one by one, shedding them and making room for a little more light.

Give other people the time and freedom to wear out their beliefs. Give yourself that freedom,too.

Right now, this moment, you're wearing out a belief. Look around at your life. Trust where you are. Trust what you're going through. Some belief is wearing thin right now, as you read this. Say when it's time to throw out that belief.

You are loveable. You are beautiful, just as you are. You have a purpose. There's a plan for your life. You can take care of yourself. You can think, feel, and solve your problems. Sometimes life is hard, but it doesn't have to be a stuggle. And it doesn't have to hurt that much and that long. Not anymore. You can detach, and you can detach in love.

Look in the mirror for a few moments. Instead of just being honest with yourself about what you see, be honest with yourself about what you believe about who you see.


God, help me let go of my limiting and sabotaging beliefs.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time to stop coping

In her book Recovering from the Loss of a Child, author Katherine Fair Donnelly writes of a man whose infant daughter, Robyn, died from SIDS(sudden infant death syndrome). The child had died in the stroller, while the mother was out walking her. The father had stopped to get a haircut that day and was given a number for his turn.

"It was something he never did again in future years," Donnelly wrote. "He would never take a number at the barber's and always came home first to make sure everything was all right. Then he would go and get a haircut. It became one of the ways he found of coping.

I hate "coping." It's not living. It's not being free. It reeks of "surviving."

But sometimes it's the best we can do for a while.

Eight years after my son died, I was signing the papers to purchase a home. It was the first home I had bought since his death. The night before he died, I had also signed papers to buy a new home. I didn't know that I had begun to associate buying a home with his death, until I noticed my hand trembling and my heart pounding as I finished signing the purchase agreement. For eight years, I had simply avoiding buying a home, renting one less-than-desirable place after another and complaining about the travails of being a renter. I only knew then that I was "never going to buy another house again." I didn't understand that I was coping.

Many of us find ways of coping. As children, we may have become very angry with our parents. Having no recourse, we may have said to ourselves, "I'll show them. I'm never going to do well at music, or sports, or studies again." As adults, we may deal with a loss, or death by saying, "I'm always going to be nice to people and make them happy. Then they won't go away." Or we may deal with a betrayal by saying, "I'm never going to open my heart to a woman, or man, again."

Coping often includes making an incorrect connection between an event and our behavior. It may help us survive, but at some point our coping behaviors usually get in our way. They become habits and take on a life of their own. And although we think we're protecting ourselves or someone we love, we aren't.

Robyn didn't die because her father took a number and waited to get his hair cut.

My son didn't die because I bought a new house.

Are you keeping yourself from doing something that you really want to do as a means of coping with something that happened to you a long time ago? Cope if you must, if it helps save your life. But maybe today is the day you could set yourself free.


God, show me if I'm limiting myself and my life in some way by using an outdated coping behavior. Help me know that I'm safe and strong enough now to let that survival behavior go.

[shadowlady861]

Say when something triggers you

How do you defend yourself when you feel angry and hurt?

When Sally was a child, she lived with disturbed parents. They said mean hurtful things to her much of the time. She wasn't allowed to say anything back, and she especially wasn't allowed to say how angry and hurt she felt.

"The only way I could deal with anger was by going numb and telling muself I didn't care-- that the relationship wasn't important,: Sally said. "Then I carried this behavior into my adult life. I learned to just go cold when I felt angry or hurt. I automatically shut down and pushed people away. One hint of feeling hurt or angry, and boom-- I was gone."

It's important to know our boundaries. It's even more important not to allow people to be reckless with our hearts. It's also important to know how hurt and anger trigger our defenses.

Do you have an instant reaction, not to other people, but to your own feelings of being betrayed, hurt, or angered? Do you shut down? Lose your self-esteem? Do you "go away" from yourself or others? Do you counterattack?

Feelings of hurt and anger will arise in the course of most relationships. Sometimes when we feel that way, it's a warning that we need to beware. Other times it's a minor incident, something that can be worked out. You may have needed to protect yourself once, a long time ago. But now it' okay to be vulnerable and let yourself feel what you feel.

Say when something triggers you and learn how you defend yourself.


God, help me become aware of how I protect myself when I feel hurt, angry, and attacked. Give me the courage to be vulnerable and learn new ways of taking care of myself.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's too much compassion

Sometimes, it's easy to step across that line and have too much compassion for the people in our lives. Although compassion is good, too much compassion can cripple the people we're trying to love. We understand so clearly how they feel that we don't hold them accountable for themselves. Too much compassion can hurt us,too. We can wind up feeling victimized by and resenting the people we're experiencing too much compassion toward. We're so worried about their feelings that we neglect our own.

Too much compassion means we don't believe in others enough to let them do what they need to do to help themselves. It's a way of telling them, "You can't." You can't handle your reality. You can't learn your lessons. You can't handle the truth, so I'll treat you like a helpless child.

Too much compassion can leave us prey to victimization and manipulation. We're so worried about how the other person feels that we neglect to take care of ourselves.

Here are some guidelines about compassion.

. If we're creating a problem for ourselves to solve someone else's dilemma, we've probably crossed that line.

. If we're so worried about another person's pain that we're neglecting our own emotions, we're probably over-involved.

. If guilt is the underlying motive for our behavior, maybe what we're practicing isn't compassion.

The lesson here isn't to stop caring about others. Instead, we need to respect other people's right to learn their own lessons.

Too much of anything isn't a good thing. If we've crossed that line into too much compassion, we can step back into the safe zone and use a lighter touch.


God, show me if I'm harming someone in my life-- a parent, child, or friend-- by smothering that person with too much compassion.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time to stop sabotaging yourself

Jenny sat down in the comfortable armchair in the small, pleasantly lit office. The man sitting across from her looked like a normal, friendly man-- not at all like she imagined a psychic would look. She relaxed and began to tell him why she was there.

"I don't usually visit psychics, but I'd like some information and guidance about the relationship I'm in now," she said. "The guy I'm seeing is a great guy. I'm really in love with him."

The psychic didn't have to be psychic to know that a "but" was coming next. He had heard the story many times before.

"But," Jenny said, "he's a drug dealer. But it's only marijuana. And he doesn't use himself. And he's just doing it long enough to make enough money to start his own businees. Go legitimate, you know."

After rambling for a while, she stopped. "So," she asked the psychic," what do you think?"

"You don't need a psychic to tell you to get out as fast as you can," he said, giving her money back. "It's obvious. The relationship is doomed."

As in Jenny's situation, it's easy to see the ridiculously obvious faulty thinking in our friends and people we're close to. Sometimes it's harder to see our own faulty thinking and blind spots.

"I love her, but she's married." "I love him, but he's a cocaine addict." "I love him, but I know he sleeps around a lot."

While many people enjoy the benefits from seeking intuitive spiritual guidance at some time in their lives, there are many times we can easily tell our own future. Stop sabotaging yourself. Listen to what you're saying. Listen to the but's, to the words that come out of your own mouth. Yes, some drug dealers do reform. Yes, people recover from cocaine addiction every day. Yes, people with long histories of infidelity do stop sleeping around. And some married people do get divorced and marry those with whom they had affairs.

Some people win the lottery-- every day. But more people never win the lottery.

Sometimes we're blindsided by events that couldn't possibly be foreseen. Sometimes it's easy to predict trouble. Whenever possible, save yourself the pain and heartache inevitably coming around the bend.

Stop sabotaging yourself. Be your own psychic. Listen to what you're saying, and give yourself the same basic advice you'd give to a friend. You may be the exception to the rule, but probably not.


God, help me let go of my blind spots, the ones that cause me to sabotage my own happiness and well-being.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time to disengage

"Run, duck, hide."

It's a motto that has served me well, particularly since I moved to California. "It takes money and a car to live here," a friend told me once. He was right. And those who don't have money or a car may try to take yours, I learned soon after that.

Manipulations, scams, and disturbed people abound.

They can be found anywhere. And sometimes these people are not at all that disturbed. They're just going through their stuff, and it doesn't involve or pertain to us.

Sometimes, it doesn't make any sense to be therapeutic, helpful, or nice when other people are trying to dump their insanity on you. It will only get you in deeper. Using any rules of engagement will simply mean you're engaged. Disengage immediately.

Learn when to use your social skills. And learn when it's time to run, duck, or hide.


God, help me detach when immediate disengagement is what's required.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time to save your own life

I jumped out of the plane, and my jump master followed close behind. This was going to be a fun jump. We were going to play Simon Says in the air.

He did a 360 degree turn to the right. I turned,too. He turned to the left, and I did the same. Then he did a back loop. Okay, I thought. Here I go. I jerked my knees up, but instead of back looping, I rolled onto my side and went into a spin. With each spin, I whirled faster and faster.

I tried to arch, the body position that would get me falling belly down and stable, and make it safe to pull my parachute, but my body movements weren't working the way they were supposed to work. Maybe if I push my right arm out further, or maybe it's my left leg. I thought.

My jump master watched me whirling like a fan blade. He tried to catch me each time I whirled around, but he couldn't get ahold. I kept focusing on trying to stop my spin. Finally, he yanked my hand, pointing to my altimeter.

My God, I was getting low. In less than thirty seconds, I'd hit the ground and my life would be done. I'd be dead.

The moral of this story is simple. I learned it when I joined my jump master back on the ground. "What are you going to do," he asked, "spend the rest of your life trying to gain control?"

Sometimes, it's easy to get caught up in a situation. We get so focused on the details of figuring out how to solve a problem that we can't fix, that we lose sight of the time. Our lives are whizzing by, and the ground is coming close.

Have you gotten caught up in trying to control something you can't? If you have, maybe it's time to stop trying to fix it and instead save your own life.


God, grant me awareness of what I need to do to take care of myself.

[shadowlady861]

Respect your own timelines

"Do you have your 'A' license yet?"

I was getting sick of that question. Everyone I knew in skydiving was pushing through the course, meeting all their requirements, and hurrying to get their license. I knew from the beginning that it wouldn't do me any good to push. This was a sport I needed to get right, and getting it right meant that I needed to learn at my own pace.

"It's the journey, not the destination," I kept telling myself as I watched my fellow sky divers progress, leaving me behind. "Everything happens in its own time."

Finally, I came up with my response. It was November. I proudly announced, whenever asked about getting my license, that I didn't plan on having it until June. I said it over, and over, and over. People left me alone. And I actually began to progress rapidly, after giving myself that much time.

In February, a series of events escalated my learning curve. I did my solo jumps, learned to pack my own parachute, and passed my written test. I had now met all the requirements for my "A" license. All that had to be done was submit the information and I'd have my license in hand.

After sending my material off, I waited an appropriate amount of time, then began checking the mail. Week after week, the license didn't arrive. I waited patiently and continued checking. Toward the end of May, I went into the offices at the skydiving school. I told them I was concerned because my license hadn't arrived yet.

They checked the records. "There was some confusion with the paperwork," they said. "But it's all been straightened out. You'll have your license soon."

When did that license arrive? In June, it came in the mail exactly when I said it would.

Some timing in life is out of our hands. Some isn't. Just as you have power to say what, there's a lot of power in saying when.


God, help synchronize my timing with yours. Show me if I'm pushing myself unduly or holding myself back.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time for a change

Eventually, enough is enough. We have held on to our broken dream until it has become a weight on our back, held on to our broken relationship until we cannot find the strength to give it another go, and clung to expectations, fears, worries, and chains until we can't stand the strain any longer.

We're at a crossroads. One path leads further into familiar territory. The other path leads to a breakthrough. What lies on the other side, we can't see.

It's the void, the unknown, the unknowable.

This isn't death. It's a rebirth, an awakening as profound as that moment when sobriety first takes hold of the lifelong drunk. Or when the confused codependent takes those first steps of self-care.

Are you willing to risk it? Have you reached the point yet where enough is enough? Or will you take the other, more familiar path back to continue rehashing what you've already been through? Sometimes it's easier to stay with our limitations and with what doesn't work. At least then we know what to expect.

Take a chance. Try something new. Go ahead. Step on that new path, even though you're not certain where it will lead. See! Right around the bend is a glowing light. The new path may not be any easier to walk than the old path, but this new road will lead to joy.

For now, it's enough to be willing to change.

To do that, step into the void.


God, help me see the things that I need to let go of to continue my growth. Help me walk away from what's comfortable and known into the unknown and what I can't see or predict.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time for plan B

I exited the plane, enjoyed my free fall, then checked my altimeter.

Pull time.

I deployed my parachute, waiting for that sweet whooshing sound, the one that meant I had a working canopy open. I didn't hear the sound. I was leaning backwards and turning, instead of floating softly toward the ground. I didn't have to do my eight-point canopy check. I knew immediately that something was wrong.

Ever since I had begun skydiving, I had been aware that although things mostly go well, sometimes they don't. For a while, I dreaded the possiblity that something wouldn't be right with my canopy on opening,, that I might have to cut it away. To deal with the fear and dread, I planned on having to use plan B-- cutting away my main and pulling my reserve-- each time I jumped out of the plane.

It was time to execute plan B.

Whoosh. What a sweet sound that was, as the reserve canopy opened over my head.

Most of us have plans and ideas about how we think an activity, or a relationship, or a job, will go. We marry, and we expect the relationship to flourish. We date someone, and we expect that person to be at least a decent sort of being. We begin a friendship with someone because something about that person has attracted us, drawn us in. We accept a job or work offer-- or hire someone to work for us-- and we have some idea how things will proceed. We hope things will work out well.

Life is like skydiving. There are no guarantees. And while we may do everything right and properly, sometimes things just don't work out. While it isn't healthy or advisable to run from every problem, sometimes we need to cut away major malfunctions.

It's okay to have a plan. But take the time to develop a plan B, too. Know what you're going to do if plan A doesn't work out. Sometimes it's easier to come up with an option or an emergency procedure if we think it through before the crisis occurs. Then we don't have to panic. We can just institute the plan we rehearsed.

Have you reviewed your emergency procedures today?


God, give me the alertness to recognize when it's time to cut away a malfunction. Give me the presence of mind to save my own life.

[shadowlady861]

Only you can assess what to do

It was about my fiftieth skydive. I was determined to master this spinning thing. When my turn came, I went to the door, pulled myself outside, then gave myself the count. Ready, set, go. I released my hold and let myself fall into the air.

At first, I fell stable, belly down. Then that dang spinning thing started. I tried to correct my body posture. That didn't help. The last time this had happened, I had spent so much time trying to correct the problem, I had lost awareness of my altitude. I had gotten obsessed with the problem snd lost track of time-- not a good thing to do on the ground, and even worse to do while falling through the air.

I remembered my jump master's words. What are you going to do, spend the rest of your life trying to gain control? Instead of making further attempts to solve the problem, I would stop it now. By pulling. I yanked my rip cord. Instead of hearing that sweet whooshing sound, the one the parachute makes when it opens correctly, I heard a heavy thud. I looked up. I had been spinning so fast when I opened that I had a knotted mess of line twists and a wad of material over my head.

I had experienced line twists before-- a few twists that could be kicked out with a little effort. This was different. It looked like a chinese braid over my head.

This just isn't working. I thought. I pulled my cutaway handle, freeing the knotted mass of stuff over my head, then immediately pulled my reserve parachute. It opened sweetly and immediately. I looked at my altimeter. I was at nine thousand feet. This was going to be a long ride down.

About five minutes later, I floated back to the ground. I threw my parachute over my shoulder and tromped back to the student room. When asked what happened, I explained my story. It was full of "should's." I should have been able to stop spinning. I shouldn't have opened so high. I apologized for what I had done and for the fact that my rented parachute which I cut away so high, was going to be tough to find.

"This wasn't an ideal situation," said the manager of the school." But it's your life. Only you can decide what to do to save it. It's up tp you and you alone to decide what's right to do."

Some situations aren't ideal. Maybe we shouldn't be in them in the first place and maybe we should have known better. But the facts are what they are. Don't let shame stop you from taking care of yourself. What are you going to do?

Talk to other people. Get opinions. Read books. But it's your life-- your relationship, your financial situation, your job, your home. It's up to you to decide what's best for you. You're the one who will ultimately live with the results of any decision you make. Assess the situation, and decide what's right for you.

Take responsibility for your decisions and for how best to live your life.


God, help me stop waiting for others to approve of what I do or don't do. Guide me in my decision-making and help me trust the choices I make.

[shadowlady861]

Sometimes it takes a lot to say when

At times we say when with relative ease. We say, "No thanks, this isn't right for me," and we walk away. There are other times when it's harder to set a boundary or enforce a new limit or decision with people.

Jan and Patrick had a tough time saying when to their grown daughter, Elizabeth. Elizabeth had moved out of the house. She wanted her independence. But she still wanted her mom and dad's money. She would make deals with them-- help me buy this car, or put this deposit on a apartment, then I'll pay you back. Then she wouldn't keep her part of the bargain. Mom and Dad continued to send money, even though they had threatened, warned, and tried to deal with the situation in a rational, lovong way. They didn't want to alienate their daughter. And they didn't want her suffering, which is what Elizabeth claimed she would do if she was "cut off."

One day, Jan and Patrick sat down with the calculator. They figured out how much support they'd been contributing to Elizabeth's life. They decided it was time to shup off the money supply. "The only time she called was when she wanted money anyway," Patrick said. "Jan and I figured that there wasn't much left of the relationship to lose."

They gave Elizabeth a three-month warning. The money faucet was shutting off on this date. When that date arrived, the money stopped. A few days later, Elizabeth called back, ranting and raving. She said not only she, but all her friends, thought her parents were dispicable for not helping her out, the way good parents should.

"The guilt I felt was overwhelming," Jan said. "But I also knew that was one of Elizabeth's favorite tricks. She used our guilt to control us. It was painful. Setting this boundary, this limit, took most of our energy for that entire year-- the year of cutting Elizabeth off financially, pushing her out of the nest."

It's now been a few years since Jan and Patrick set that boundary. Elizabeth has taken financial responsibility for herself. She didn't starve, nor did she go homeless. She was much more resourceful than her parents believed. Jan and Patrick still send her gifts, still take her out for dinner, but they no longer support their grown daughter financially. Their relationship with their daughter has shifted onto new ground. Conversations are no longer about money.

Saying when can be uncomfortable for the person saying it, and for the person hearing it. It sometimes involves a lifestyle change for the people involved. You may need to stand behind your when with focus, dedication, and commitment.

Don't expect it to be easy to say when and mean what you say. Leave room for other people to have their emotions about your boundaries; give yourself room to have some feelings,too.


God, grant me the energy and commitment to say when and stand behind it.

[shadowlady861]

Use your creativity in saying when

Grace was the single parent of a seventeen-year-old son-- Shawn. Shawn was charismatic, powerful, strong-willed, intelligent, and chemically dependent.

Grace loved Shawn deeply. But she also felt trapped by his rebellious teenage years, coupled with his drug and alcohol usage. Shawn had been through treatment once, did well for a while, then had relapsed. Shawn had a driver's license and a car. In his sober times, Shawn handled the responsibility of the car well. And the agreement was, if Shawn relapsed, he would relinquish the keys.

The problem with chemical dependency is that denial and lying go hand in hand with the disease. When Shawn began using again, he also began lying to his mother. It didn't take long for Grace to see and understand what was going on. She knew what her boundary was. Take away the car.

Grace was clear about what she could and couldn't do. She couldn't make Shawn stay sober, but she could refuse to allow him to drive.

Grace took action. She grabbed a screwdriver, went outside, removed both license plates from Shawn's car, and drove directly to the post office. She then mailed the license plates to a friend of the family and asked that friend to keep the plates until Shawn sobered up.

Shawn knew a boundary had just been clearly set. Six months later, when his plates were returned to him, he was sober and ready to respect the responsibility involved with driving an automobile.

Sometimes, it's not enough just to stay when. We need to get creative in how we say it, too.


God, help me know that you will always be there to guide me in setting limits, when it is my responsbility and in my best interests to enforce a particular boundary.

[shadowlady861]

Tell yourself how long you'll wait

Use deadlines as a tool.

Sometimes, we find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation. We don't know what to do next. We don't know how to solve the problem. We don't know the course that's going to unfold. Maybe we're seeing someone, and the relationship isn't gaining any momentum, but it's not time to push the issue. Maybe all we need to do is give the other person a little space and time to work through his or her stuff. Maybe the business that we're pursuing isn't gaining any momentum, but things may change course. Part of us, the obsessive part, says, "I need to know right now." But the other part of us, the serene, wise part, says "Relax. It's not time. You don't have all the information yet."

Create a deadline, a private one, with yourself. Tell yourself you'll give it six weeks or three months or maybe a year to change course. Then you'll evaluate the data and make a decision about what to do next.

Sometimes, setting a deadline is all we need to do to help ourselves relax. We know we're not trapped. We're not being a victim. We're making a conscious decision to let go and let things unfold.


God, grant me the serenity to not try to force outcomes and solutions too soon.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time to get something done

Yesterday we talked about using deadlines to help ourselves let go. Self-imposed deadlines can also be a way to focus our energy on a task at hand, especially one we've been putting off.

"I'm going to get up and have the house cleaned by 10:00 A.M." "I'm going to lock myself in the house and have this report written in two days." "I'm going to get the yard cleaned up by the end of the week."

There are many times in life when it's appropriate and healthy to listen to our internal clock about what to do and when to do it. Going with the flow can be a spiritual process, but there are other times when it's helpful to use self-imposed deadlines to help us get the job done.

Do you need to set a deadline for yourself?


God, help me set appropriate deadlines for myself.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's either/or

A deadline is different from an ultimatum. Deadlines involve the use of time to get something done. Ultimatums use power.

Ultimatums involve two ideas: an either and an or. Use ultimatums sparingly in your life. Sometimes, however, an ultimatum is the only way to get a person's attention.

Here are some examples: "Either you get sober and stop using drugs, or I'm going to put you in prison." "Either you start working and stop drinking, or I'm going to take the children and leave." "Either you show up for work on time, or I'm going to find someone else to do your job."

Ideally, an ultimatum is not used to control the other person. It is an expression of our limits-- a powerful way of indicating to the other person that we're on the verge of screaming when.

Sometimes people use ultimatums as power plays. They use them to play on our fears, particularly our fear of abandonment. "Either you do what I want, or I'll go away." "Either you keep quiet and don't confront my behavior, or I'll get angry and punish you by being mad." This may work for a while, but ultimately, it can backfire.

Don't use ultimatums as power plays, or devices to control the people around you. Don't let other people use ultimatums to control or manipulate you. Use them as last-ditch warning notices that you're about to say when.


God, help me be aware of ultimatums, both the ones I dish out and the ones other people use on me.

Activity: Recall a few times people have used ultimatums on you. Did they work? Why or why not? Are you allowing someone to control you now with a spoken or unspoken ultimatum? What's the either? What's the or? Are you using or overusing ultimatums to control the behavior of the people around you? Be aware of the use of spoken and unspoken ultimatums in your life. Respect their power.

[fxstsrider]

Say when it's time for a change

Eventually, enough is enough. We have held on to our broken dream until it has become a weight on our back, held on to our broken relationship until we cannot find the strength to give it another go, and clung to expectations, fears, worries, and chains until we can't stand the strain any longer.

We're at a crossroads. One path leads further into familiar territory. The other path leads to a breakthrough. What lies on the other side, we can't see.

It's the void, the unknown, the unknowable.

This isn't death. It's a rebirth, an awakening as profound as that moment when sobriety first takes hold of the lifelong drunk. Or when the confused codependent takes those first steps of self-care.

Are you willing to risk it? Have you reached the point yet where enough is enough? Or will you take the other, more familiar path back to continue rehashing what you've already been through? Sometimes it's easier to stay with our limitations and with what doesn't work. At least then we know what to expect.

Take a chance. Try something new. Go ahead. Step on that new path, even though you're not certain where it will lead. See! Right around the bend is a glowing light. The new path may not be any easier to walk than the old path, but this new road will lead to joy.

For now, it's enough to be willing to change.

To do that, step into the void.


God, help me see the things that I need to let go of to continue my growth. Help me walk away from what's comfortable and known into the unknown and what I can't see or predict.

I completely agree with what you have said in this entire thread. My ex keeps calling me and sleeping around at the same time. I have now stepped into the void. I know I can do better. I spent the last month kissing her butt and I'm over it now. Thanks for helping me to let go. It needed to happen!

[shadowlady861]

Say when the price is too high

The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.
--Henry David Thoreau

Consider the young man who was doing great in his high school studies, then suddenly started to fall behind. One day, a teacher pulled the young man aside and asked him what happened. The student told him that he had asked his father for a car, and the father told him that if he earned the money, he could have one. The student, being industrious and hard working, went out, got a job, saved the money, and bought the car. But then the car needed insurance, gas, and maintenance, so the student kept the job to keep up the car. The job took up more and more of his time, until finally he began to fall behind in his studies.

"Why don't you just get rid of the car?" asked the teaher.

"Get rid of the car?" came the reply,"but how would I get to my job?"

How often we feel that if we just get that new car, that new boyfriend or girlfriend, that promotion, or the condo in the good neighborhood, we will find happiness and contentment-- only to discover that the thing just brings with it more pain, more costs, and more bother than it's worth. The new sports car runs only half the time, the new partner needs more care than your dog, the promotion eats up your weekends, and the new condo won't allow pets.

Things don't bring true happiness. Instead, they often sap your strength and leave you emptier than you were before. Think about the true cost of a thing before you pursue it-- in time, lifestyle changes, energy maintenance, and money. Can you really afford the amount of life that thing will take from you in return for the happiness it brings? Are you willing to pay the price?


God, help me be aware of the true cost of the things in my life.

[shadowlady861]

Say when the time is right

If you wait for the perfect moment when all is safe and assured, it may never arrive. Mountains will not be climbed, races won, or lasting happiness achieved.
--Maurice Chevalier

"I'm just waiting for the time to be right" is a common excuse we use. We can sit on the sidelines, waiting for the perfect moment, but never get in the game. Sometimes, the time doesn't feel right. I was too old when I started to sky dive, too poor when I started writing, too enmeshed with an alcoholic husband when I began recovering from codependency, and too involved with my addictions when I began recovery. The time may never be right. You can choose to wait until someday arrives, or you can begin now.

Is there a dream hidden away in your life, something you wanted to do but put off for so long that you've almost forgotten what it is? Maybe the time is right to pull it out again. Get the college course guide and sign up. Go to a local gym and start working out. Take a chance.

The right time for the journey is when you begin it. Why not today?


God, motivate me to live a fuller life.

Activity: Pull out your wish list. Choose one thing on your list that has been quietly waiting for the time to be right. Decide that the right time is now. Then begin.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time to begin

I have a friend who is always planning to start a writing project"as soon as she gets organized." She has read nearly every book, attended every seminar, and bought all the tapes on the subject. She has closets full of organizers, drawers stuffed with folders, and several related computer programs. There's only one problem. Instead of starting, she hides behind a mask of "firsts." "I'll start writing, but first I've got to learn this program." "I'll listen to that tape, but first I've got to read this book."

Are you hiding behind a mask of firsts? Is there always something that keeps you from beginning? Take off the mask. Start the project. Ask that special person for a date. Do that Fourth and Fifth Step. Stop making excuses. Eliminate them.

Learn to say when it's time to begin.


God, please help me eliminate excuses from my life. Show me how full my life can be when I pursue my dreams.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time to do that difficult thing

Sometimes, true windows of opportunity open in our lives. We get a chance to make that amend. The perfect time to end or resolve that relationship arises. It's like a gift from God when that window opens up. All we need to do is gently step through. But sometimes, we need to help God open the window-- especially when we're working up the courage to do a difficult thing.

Maybe we're waiting for just the right moment to end a relationship. Maybe we're looking for an opportunity to make an amend, tell someone we're sorry about something we've done that's caused that person pain. Maybe we have a new project we'd like to begin. Sometimes, we can passively wait, and wait, and that window just seems painted shut and stuck.

Ask God to help open the window, but do your part,too. Make a decision that you're going to do it-- whatever it is. Then let go, but not too long. Remember your decision. Remember your commitment to opening that window. Don't force it, but focus your attention. You may begin to feel the slightest crack in the energy, that opening you need. Or you may have to wiggle the window frame, push on it just the slightest bit, to crack it open yourself. Then you'll see it. You'll feel it move. There. It's open.

Help God open that window in your life by deciding to do it.


God, help me remember that the time doesn't always feel right. Help me honor my deepest urges to do what I must to take care of myself.

[shadowlady861]

Go through the door that's open

Sometimes, doors close in our lives. No matter how badly we want something, no matter how hard we've tried, no matter how much we want to pursue a particular course in our lives, the universe says no.

Many years ago, I wanted passionately and desperately to write a book on codependency. All twenty publishers I queried said the same thing. No. Some said it politely. Some said it by refusing to respond at all. That door just wouldn't open up, no matter how hard I pushed.

One publisher came back with a counteroffer. "We don't want the book on codependency," the editor said. "But how about writing something for us on denial-- why people do it, what part it plays in their lives, and how they can become more aware and accepting of reality.

I accepted the offer. I needed the work. But I wasn't thrilled. I diligently did my research and wrote the manuscript. About a year later, that same publisher came back to me and asked me to write the book on codependency. I pulled out all my notes and research, including a large notebook in which I had jotted down all my ideas and questions on the subject. As I went through this notebook, I noticed a question written in such large letters it took up the entire page. "What about denial-- what part does this play in codependency?" I had written on the next page: "Why do people do it, how can they stop? Help me understand," I had written, almost as a prayer.

I reused the denial concepts in my codependency book. I had long forgotten about my question to the universe. But God hadn't.

Sometimes when doors shut, it's because we're not ready to walk through the one we want. Maybe the door that's open in your life is the one you need to walk through. Go ahead, step in. Look around. It might not appear to be as exciting as the one you'd hoped would open, but maybe it's exactly where you need to be.

Are you trying to push through a door that's closed in your life? Make life easier on yourself. If you've diligently tried to open a door and it's not budging, look around. Push on a few other doors. See which one opens. Then walk through that one.


God, help me trust your timing in my life. Help me understand that sometimes you know more about saying when than I do.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's not right for you

Not all doors that open up are good for us to walk through.

Sometimes, we're in that dark corridor, and no doors or windows are open. Then, a crack of light appears. We get an offer-- for a job, for a relationship, for a place to live. Our gut goes off. We know this isn't right for us. If we weren't desperate, we wouldn't onsider it.

You're not desperate. Even if you are, act as if you aren't. If it's not right for you, it's not right for you. Back off-- even though you may be burning with impatience and desperation.

You don't have to do anything that's not right for you.


God, grant me a spirit of serenity and patience. Help me take a moment before making any decision to ask for guidance first.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time to focus

I was getting ready to make a skydive. I had a lot going on at the time-- problems with construction workers, some phone calls I needed to make.

"Put it all aside for right now," Andy, my jump master, said. "The only thing in the world you're going to focus on for the next hour is the skydive you're going to make. You don't want to be jumping out of that plane with other stuff going on in your mind.

I did what he said. I deliberately pushed aside all other thoughts of people, what they were feeling, what I had to do, and how they were going to respond.

"That's one of the benefits of skydiving," Andy said. "It's really taught me to focus my mind."

Sometimes we get interrupted. Sometimes it's good to let our consciousness flow and our minds wonder. Sometimes it's time to focus on one task and let other cares and ideas slip away. We have so much power in this marvelous world. One of the powers available to us is dedication, commitment, and focus on the task at hand.

Learn to focus on one thing you want to do. If you've been struggling with and procrastinating about something, make a commitment to focusing on that task until it's done.


God, help me learn to focus my energies on the essential tasks at hand.

[shadowlady861]

Say when it's time to seek shelter

There's a saying that a boat may be safe when it's in harbor, but that isn't what boats were made for. But let's not forget the value of safe harbors either. A wise sailor knows the limits of each boat and will seek shelter if the weather becomes more than it can bear.

Seeking out new experiences, meeting new people, living life to its fullest is one of the best reasons for being alive. The purpose of recovering from addictions and learning to take care of ourselves isn't to keep us stuck perpetually in therapy. It's to free us to live our lives. But we need to be aware of our limits. And there is no reason to put yourself into a situation of unnecessary risk.

Only you can be the judge of that in your life. We each have different levels of freedom and similar but unique needs. A strong ocean liner can weather much stronger storms than a small powerboat. You may be able to withstand more or less pressure than someone else. Push your limits occasionally; that's how we grow and change. But know what those limits are, and be willing to seek shelter when the storms come.

You are not alone. Whether through meditation or prayer, secular or religious groups, Twelve Step or self-help meetings, a harbor exists in which you can ride out the storms and remain strong to sail the exciting waters of life another day.

Do you know where your harbors are? Lives are meant to be lived, so live yours as fully as you can. But remember that you cannot live fully when you're recovering from storm damage. Be bold, but be safe.


God, help me be aware during times of stress that a safe harbor exists.

Activity: List your safe harbors. Examples of this might be friendships that are completely safe and supportive, support groups, prayer, meditation, and places of worship. How often do you need to connect with these harbors to keep yourself in good shape? Be aware that when you go through periods of stress and distress-- and these times appear frequently in our lives-- you might need to seek extra shelter to keep yourself safe from the storm.

[shadowlady861]

Give yourself time

Set deadlines. Say when. Stop waiting for that perfect time. But be gentle with yourselves and others.

Too much waiting is a trap. Waiting, counting the days, months, and years, waiting for someone or something outside of ourselves to make us happy and magically bring us what we want is a pit. If you fall into it, climb out.

But be gentle with yourself,too. If you're tackling something new-- whether it's learning a new craft, beginning a new relationship, or recovering from alcoholism or codependency, give yourself time to reach your goals, to begin to get it, to understand.

Some revelations, insights, and illuminations are received in a moment, a second. But the work of assimilating new ideas and translating them into lifestyle changes takes time.

A friend of mine called me one day. He had lost his best friend and roommate to a sudden illness three months earlier. "What's wrong with me?" he said. "My spiritual beliefs are intact. I work hard on myself. Yet I break down crying, for no reason. I'm a wreck Why aren't I over this yet?"

"Because it takes time," I said. "Give that gift to yourself."

The seeds of change grow gently, sometimes almost imperceptibly. Birth takes time. Transformation takes time.

You are being transformed and reborn.

Give yourself and others the gift of time.


God, help me let go of unrealistic expectations of how quickly I, or others, need to grow and change. Help me know that I have all the time I need.

[shadowlady861]

Let go of timing

"Melody, it just isn't time yet," my friend Virginia said to me one day. "You wouldn't be out on your lawn trying to pull the blades of the grass up, forcing them to grow."

"Yes, I would," I said, "if I thought it would help."

Persistence, determination, clarity, and commitment can be our greatest assets. We gather energy, we use our determination to get things done-- whether it's cleaning our house, visiting a therapist for help with an issue that's become more than we can handle alone, looking for a new job, or beginning a new relationship.

Goals are good. Setting your sights on the task ahead is helpful.

So is letting go, and working with the seasons of our lives.

We are one with everything that is. The same energy and spirit that permeates the ocean, the mountains, the forest, and the creatures also permeate us. Who are we to think that we don't have our rhythms, seasons, and cycles?

Who are we not to trust the rhythms of life?

Plant the seeds. Water them, if there's a drought. But let it go. The grass will grow itself.


God, help me let go of impatience. Help me align myself with the natural cycles of my life. Help me trust your timing in my life.

Activity: Pick one segment of nature and study it. Maybe you'll choose the sunrise and the sunset. Or choose a favorite park. Or the ocean. Even a lake will do. Don't just think about it. Actually do it, for your meditation time today. Spend ten minutes to half an hour just sitting with and contemplating a segment of nature that speaks to you.