Relapse already

[MichelleW]

And it is a relapse tonight, I don't want to side-step it, I promised myself that if I relapsed again I would be honest about it.

There were a few things that maybe triggered me today. I went to get my groceries. Normal activity. Except that I saw some people whom I particularly don't like, and had a full-blown anxiety attack at the checkout counter.

I know that there is something family related which is getting in the way of my going through the 12 steps of recovery at the moment. And I am trying to seek advice from the right sources about this, because this is not the way to continue.

I had five years clean and sober, they were the best years of my life and I don't know why I am still doing this to myself.

When I first started recovery, I was so judgemental of those who relapsed all the time. I was on a site where people relapsed every week or so but everybody turned a blind eye, and I don't want that here either.

There are other things that I could write to justify all this but I won't because I know what this is, and I'm sorry to put all this on you guys.

[Chewi]

Thanks for sharing Michelle. I know exactly where you are because I am coming from two weekends of relapse that just came out of nowhere. But I am moving forward one day at a time and focusing on not doing it again. Just because you slipped up doesn't mean you have to do it again. Think of it as another reminder of HOW BAD IT IS and how not worth it it is. You can do it. Go to meetings if you can and stay on here and get back to your steps. As the weekly meeting thread was saying, don't over analyze. Try to keep it simple and remember how good sobriety is. Seek your higher power through prayer and meditation. We are here for you and we know what it is like and we care. We know blessings come from sobriety. Hugs for today!

[DaveH]

Thank you both for reminding me that the disease is patient. I have often heard it said in the rooms of AA that relapse is a part of getting sober. I don't disagree with that but I do believe that it is an option, not an inevitability. I have learned that I should anticipate relapses, but one of an emotional or spiritual nature, not one in which I will necessarily use. I have learned through my own walk that I will make 5-10 bad decisions before I decide to pick up a drink. If I don't address those early on, I WILL drink, I am an alcoholic. And my first bad decision can be made as a result of a lousy experience at a store like Michelle's was. That is where the program saved me. As a result of practicing the principles in all of my affairs, I don't respond like I use to. Do I ever make a bad 1st , 2nd, or 3rd decision? Absolutely, but not because I am an alcoholic, but rather because I am a human being and very imperfect. The program has allowed me to recognize those things before it escalates and I am stopping in a bar or a carry out. It has equipped me with a different set of responses to unpleasant, even unfair circumstances. That said, I want to welcome you back, and I am reminded of how many don't make it back, you are blessed. The other piece of good news is that relapse does not have to be an option. I would encourage you to treat it like it isn't. Blessings to you in your recovery walk.
Regards,
Dave

[Victoriana]

Michelle, you are human! This is not the time to beat yourself but it is the time to feel proud that you have met your mistake head on, recognized it and are willing to do something about it.
Get to a meeting and keep posting. Feel the love there is here for you? WE are all in the same boat.
Here are a few more lines from the song I took my signature from. It works for me when people wear me down and I feel like reaching for the bottle.

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny
.
Don’t care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don’t give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence

You have done so well to get this far. Keep going sweetie.:42: Hey, some of your posts kept me going during dark moments.

[zoomie]

(((((((((((((Huggies)))))))))))) I was in recovery for a number of years and had a professional tell me I was not an alcoholic,but a problem drinker and to becareful when I drink. I went out and drank and stayed out for many years. When I first came I made it for a few months and slipped again and again. I too was moritfied of being labled a cronic relapser. One thing helped me was my sponcer told me that it is all a one day at a time program and no one has more time than you except those who woke up earlier than you. I did not feel so down on myself after that. The first time I was sober for a number of years was a gift, this time I had to actually work at it. During my 2 and 3rd year I wanted to drink real bad. I was working the steps going to meetings, praying... I just had huge emotional triggers that made me want to drink. I'm now in my 4th coming up 5th year and these cravings have lifted a bit. I still get the cravings to drink,but I don't drink no matter what and I talk about my cravings before I act on them. That is essental is to talk it out before you act. My triggers are many. I can be excited about something happy and I get a big trigger wanting to drink. It's not going to be easy for you this time around,so be prepared to fight to stay sober.

[Rockin Big Daddy]

The Daily Reflections today reminds us that "The Past Is Over". However, we must remember not to regret it and not to forget it. We must learn from it and continue making forward progress each day - so that we can move further away from the last drink and not closer to the next drunk. We need to remember the pain of the past in order to produce the willingness so we can continue to grow.

(http://home.att.net/~soloshideaway/751/tree.htm)

[MichelleW]

God I feel awful today. And I'm going to the dentist.

I'm dealing with a lot of family issues at the moment. And some health issues. But I have to try and get past all this.

I hope that the AA meeting next week will help. I just can't keep going like this. I have some reservations about going to AA but I'm trying to talk them out with others and understand how it works for recovery.

Just going out for normal activities like shopping seems difficult lately. I feel very exposed and vulnerable sober. Just have to learn to steel myself I suppose.

[Victoriana]

I'm so glad you came back and posted. You have been on my mind all day!
You know, our vulnerabilities are where we get our strength from in the long run. You will look back at what you have been feeling and realize that those feelings are what pushed you on to a recovering strength as you grow and develop in sobriety.
Take the bull by the horns, don't overthink, just go into that meeting with your head held high. I was scared to death going to my first one last week but I was so glad I had.
Post often please. There are so many of us here that really do care.

[zoomie]

I hope you feel better (((((((((((((Huggies)))))))))))))

[MichelleW]

I didn't feel really sick today, which is a wonder. And I survived the dentist.

I do really want to be serious about this. I had a heart to heart with my familiy today. The panic attack in the supermarket was weird - I felt very claustrophobic. For awhile, I think I'm going to have to be careful what time of the day I go there. I knew when I went out yesterday that I was feeling 'vulnerable'. Sometimes the only way I can go out is with my sun shades on. And at times I've had a friend come with me.

[Chewi]

Hang in there. We know that you can do it! Hugs!

[MichelleW]

I have a lot of stuff in my head that doesn't belong here. Sometimes I put myself in certain situations I think just to give myself an excuse to drink.

I'm not a good self-starter like I used to be. Main reason why I'm going to a meeting.

[Victoriana]

Yes. We all know that one! So easy to find an excuse to drink isn't it? Been there all too often myself. The great thing is that once you realize that you are doing it you gain strength and look around at your own behaviour.
I have this list:

1. I will allow nothing to become an excuse.
2. I will, when under pressure, look for a REASON.
3. I will stop, take a breathe and seek help if necessary.
4. I will learn and grow from my experience.

This works for me but find a list that works for you and carry it with you.
I know you can do this. You have done it before and we are rooting for you. You have so many people in your corner right now. :12: :12: :12:

[zoomie]

Just wanted to say good morning to you and wish you a happy sober day.

[Chewi]

I want to say "hi," too Michelle. It is amazing how much better I feel after I take some daily time again to work on my spirituality and my sobriety and make that attitude adjustment. When I want to drink I look at and count all the bad things. When I want to be sober, I look at and count all my blessings. It's amazing the difference it makes. I hope you are feeling good today and have a great, sober day!

[Victoriana]

How are you doing? Let us know. We are all rooting for you here.

[MichelleW]

Thanks everyone, I sort of had a busy day. A lot going on. Family and medical. But oh well it's the weekend now, I can get a breather.

I don't what the hell happened on Tuesday. I haven't had a panic attack like that for a long time. Hoping for a calmer week next week. I am feeling a bit better in the past 24 hours.