Advice Needed

[Hazard]

I just joined yesterday and would like to thank you all for the kind welcome and words of encouragement. As I mentioned in my first post, I recently decided to quit drinking for many reasons. The one thing that I am finding most difficult are the issues with the circle of friends I was hanging around with. While I do consider them to be true friends, the only thing we ever did together involved drinking. Since I'm divorced and living by myself, my house used to be the central hang out. I have a full bar in my rec room. The first few weeks I still had people over and I would simply hang tough and just have soda. Well, the novelty of doing that has worn off. It's getting to the point where I do not enjoy their company now that I'm not joining in with the drinking. The conversations are ridiculous and stupid. I guess I never really realized it because I was always drunk right along with them. I also now realize that they too have serious drinking problems, I just never saw it as clearly when I was drinking. In short, I've been avoiding them and making excuses for not seeing them. I have to make a serious change where they're concerned but don't quite know how to go about it. I don't want to hurt their feelings and I don't want to sever ties with them. I've known these guys for 30 years or so. Any advice would be appreciated.

[DaveH]

Hazard, your situation sounds so familiar to me. A major concern when I first got sober was what would I do for friends, heck what would I do period. I had developed a life which was centered around drinking. And people who drank like I did. When I finally got serious about changing I realized that apart from a few family members I had no friendships with anyone who didn't drink. That was sort of an epiphany for me. How could I get to be my age and not have friendships with any non drinkers????

And I felt the same way, many of my drinking buddies were not bad people. How it worked for me was that I needed to attend alot of meetings in the beginning. That made me unavailable to my old circle of friends. And it did open me up to a different group of folks. And I found out that people in recovery do more than just attend meetings. They actually have a life outside of the meetings and I began getting invited to things; from a cup of coffee after a meeting, to a back yard cook out, to a fishing trip. And friendships were developed. Did I lose any of my old friends? Yeah I guess I did, but I didn't lose any that had my best interests at heart. And that experience helped me to define friendship. I realized that there is a difference between a friend and an acquaintance. My changing did not make any of my old acquaintances bad people, it just changed how I relate to them. One of the miracles I did experience was a couple of them eventually got sober too. And a few others changed their drinking habits. And some years later I still see my old drinking buddy on game day during the NFL season. I will stop down to tailgate with him for awhile. The difference today is that when he sees me coming he steps into the RV and starts the coffee maker. God did for me what I never could have done for myself, I just had to make myself available. Best wishes on your journey.
Regards,
DaveH

[Hazard]

Thanks Dave, great advice. I can so relate to everything in life being centered around drinking. I'm starting to realize that the vast majority of my so-called "fun" activities were nothing more than a back-drop for drinking. Once I took alcohol out of the equation, the same things no longer seem like fun to me. I hope in time that some of the enjoyment for those things comes back. As for avoiding having too much free time on my hands, I've been signing up for as much overtime at work as I can handle. In addition to making extra cash, it's been keeping me out of situations where I can drink. Just quitting drinking alone, I've so far saved over $500 dollars!

[Victoriana]

I've found this problem myself. Many of my friends drink. So I have started hanging out more with my sober friends and occasionally inviting one or two of my drinking friends along too. This way we maintain the friendships but without alcohol being involved. We do things that can't involve alcohol so I get the pleasure of all my friends, drinking and non drinking and all of them sober. Some of my drinking friends have actually said that they can't remember having so much fun so perhaps it is showing them another way too. Here's hoping.

[BIG AL]

I agee with DavH great advice.I loved my buddies to we all grew up together from elementry school.It wasnt hard for me so bad becouse I went to there house to party.But I would miss going over and shooting pool and other things lol.My big thing is I started these guys I hung out with on dope.And about 3 yrs ago my best freind I grew up with was found dead of congested heart failure.Now I did try to reach him and it didnt work.But it could of easily been me right there with him or me dead and I reliesed wow I really want to live and dont care who it offends.People were going to prison and dieing wow.This is real we do die.Scared the hell out of me.First thing I weas told is to change your playmates and playpens. Becouse if you go to a barber shop long enough you end up getting a haircut.

[mmarq56]

I, too, had to stop hanging out with my druggy-alkie friends. Once they saw that I didn't drink anymore, they really didn't want to hang out with me anyway. I've know lots of these people for over 35 years, went to high school with them, etc. and now I just see them and say "hi" but don't "hang" anymore. I keep myself occupied with AA-related stuff. That's the only way I'm staying sober. I remember hanging out with an old friend who was drinking and I decided to drink (I only had a few weeks, so what was the big deal back then right?) That's why I decided I should do more AA stuff. I do get bored going to meeting after meeting, after all we are supposed to get a life (or get life back) but there are lots of AA events, especially during the summer and I actually started having fun in recovery. :idea::idea: