Grieving My Mom’s Recent Death

[Melia]

My mom, who I was extremely close to, passed away about six weeks ago. I was told by a couple of addicts to put off working my steps for two to three months. They told me to go to meetings, call my sponsor, and read the literature, but since working the steps (I am on step three) can be emotional, I need to get used to grieving before continuing. Is taking a small break a good thing to do, or should I continue working them because I am grieving?

[Chewi]

My sympathy on the passing of your dear mom. That has to be very hard. That is a tough question and I hope you get some other input. I would say perhaps try to work that out with your sponsor. Maybe just stay focused on those first three steps for now. Definitely continue contact with your sponsor and meetings and the literature. I would also strongly suggest a grief share group; they are usually available at houses of worship as well as many community centers and through social services at hospitals. Just think how much this meant to your mom, that you are staying sober and getting well and on with life. I'm sure she would want that for you! Keep sharing and reading here! We care and you are not alone!

[DaveH]

Melia,
Please accept my sympathy also. Losing a parent is certainly a life changing event. I second Chewi's advice regarding talking to your sponsor. I too have lost a parent and I know that as a result of working the steps, I learned how to grieve without using. You and your family are in my prayers.
Kindest Regards,
DaveH

[zoomie]

My sympathy goes out ot you too. I lost my mom when I first got sober and did not stick close to the rooms,so I drank. Good going on keeping up with the program and not drinking!

[MichelleW]

From what I hear the fourth and fifth steps can be very 'intensive', though I have no doubt the outcome can be very positive. I have tried to do some things as a prelude, though I'm only a few days sober and today is just my second AA meeting of the year. I've also had a bereavement in the immediate family and am dealing with a whole host of other emotional issues, so thanks for raising this question. Grief can obviously be a major 'trigger'. I think I also agree with Chewi that you may be best off just focussing on the first three steps, regular fellowship/meetings and reading the literature for now. Have you tried some grief support/counselling? I go to see a counsellor approximately once a fortnight for this and other issues.

[BIG AL]

I am very sorry for your loss.I have never lost anyone close to me like a parent.So I have no idea how you feel.I can tell you this is probably the most important days of your life.I would say keep on workking.Get with your sponsor.I can tell you this.If you havent drank yet after such a blow as lossing someone so very close you have done a pretty good 1st step.I can tell you what the big book of alcholics anonumous says.We do not take abreak from workking the steps we can however pause between the 4th 5th steps as we find someone to read our fourth step.But we only pause and we find someone.I think its in chapter 6 around pg 75-76.You are going to make it.We have to have a sponsor to work steps

[johnclmt]

Hang in there Melia, you are doing the right thing by reaching out and asking for help. We are all on the same team so your pain is our pain. Recovery is a worldwide family sharing a common solution to a common problem. What I am saying dear is that you are not alone. But don't put off that fourth step for too long. You will know when you are ready.
John m. - san diego

[psylence]

I can honestly say that I can be empathetic and not just sympathetic with you. I can directly relate to what you are going through. I lost my mother 3 years ago to a Overdose/Suicide.

It is still so hard on me. I am young, only 24. I find myself when I accomplish something good or have a new development in my life, I want to share it with her. I have a 2 yr old daughter she will never meet. She didn't get to see me get my Degree, see my first house, etc , etc.

In those times I try to just play out the scene of me telling her something or showing her something, when I go x-mas shopping, I find something she would have liked and I acknowledge that she would have liked it and I play out the "scene" of her opening it or using it.

It puts a smile on my face. With time it gets easier, but it will never go away. I am not much on religious advice so I can't help you in that department, just don't let this be a catalyst to use.

You will get through this

:42:

[flick]

((((Melia)))), I'd like to offer my sympathies on your loss. I will also keep you in my prayers. Seems to me there is some very good given advice from others here in recovery, so please stick with the programme to the best of your ability. And well done for staying sober !!!! Keep up the good work. Don't be too hard on yourself and "allow yourself to go through the grief process." Remember; "You are not alone", this is a "we" programme. :42:

:195::195:

[bluidkiti]

Hi Melia, So very sorry to hear about your mom but am glad to know that you both were very close to each other. That is such a blessing. I am very close to my mother. As for working your steps, I would suggest talking to your sponsor about that. She knows you better or should know you better than us. Do stick close to your sponsor now and try to make a meeting a day. Continue to take it one day at a time breaking that down into minutes and seconds if you have to. Whatever you do don't pick up a drink or drug instead pick up the phone. Please feel free to continue to come and share with us here. We are here for you also. I am lifting you up in prayer. :42:

[Melia]

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions. My sponsor said to wait a little while before I begin answering questions again, but I need to continue to read the Basic text, call her, and attend meetings. I will probably wait a couple of more weeks, but I want to start the questions again. After 14 months in recovery, I finally got to pick up my 6 months key tag. My mom told me before she passed away that “this [her death] isn’t an excuse to use” and everyday I think about that. I want to live my life so I would make her proud if she were alive and well.

[BIG AL]

I would bet my sobreity that she couldnt of been prouder of you when she passed.

[sioux]

I lost my father about two months ago, and I can tell you from my own experience, had I not taken the steps in my life, or had a Program of recovery that allowed me to be less selfish and self centered, I doubt I'd be writing today to tell you that I am sorry for your great loss. Those 12 steps can be taken within a five hour period by the way. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out process, in fact, it shouldn't be. Grieviing however, is a long drawn out process.

Blessings:

Sioux

[Cork]

I am getting ready to drive to my mom's viewing...the funeral is tomorrow morning, so I know where you're coming from. As far as my step work - 1,2, &3 are my foundation...I seem to keep running through them. I don't think that I would be up to another 4 or 5 right now.

Just for today, I never have to use again...and I am holding onto that. I keep my sponsor and my grand sponsor on speed dial - and it seems like my sponsees are keeping me on theirs!

24 hours at a time, I am missing Mom...and for today, I don't want to dishonor her memory by picking up. It has its moments, but this is do-able. Working step 3 is a decision for you, your sponsor, and your close support network. I am grateful that I have the relationship that step 3 gave me - it has been the primary thing holding me up.

Lots of meetings, check in with my sponsor EVERY day, call another addict, read my literature, try to be there for another addict and get out of myself for a minute...that's what has been working for me.

I am an addict, my name is Cork.

[sonia n]

Melia,

I am so sorry for your loss my prayers are with you:195:. I know how you are feeling, please keep reaching out, go to meetings do not isolate. Talk to your sponsor about the steps she know you better.

When you lose someone like a parent it is very difficult you go through so many feelings and emotions. I lost my mother going on 5 years and I had trouble accepting it. What I did was consumed myself with work I was in such great denial, believe me there is so much pain and regrets that I have due to my addiction. But you know what I never picked up a drink or drug. For the first time this February I broke down due to me writing about the relationship I had with mom and how I lost her. I have not written anything since then but, I started the process. Go to meetings, talk about it. Reach out We are here for you.. :42: together you can get through this.

[Melia]

Again, thank you everyone for your support. I feel I am in a good place, and after talking with my sponsor, I am ready to tackle step three.