4 years - lurking but dry

[lotus]

Hi All,

I got sober 4 years ago through SMART recovery. 12 step recovery had always been around my life (12/12 book in my house). Mom is an unrecovered alcoholic/addict along with many others in my extended family. I've attended many al-anon and off and on AA.

4 years into it, I got back into al-anon which inevitably leads me to AA as someone who doesn't drink. I guess I'm a "high bottom" drunk. Never formally got into trouble or lost anything but for the grace of HP, should have, but got "lucky".

I was a binge drinker evolving into a constant drinker. Binge smoker too, opportunisitic.

When I first got sober, people asked why, you don't seem to have a problem, but it was what was going on on the inside when I drank/smoked not the frequency of doing it that was the problem (although frequency was becoming nightly drinking although not drunk nightly, but it was hard to control).

I guess my challenge/question/issues are

1) On the outside others don't identify me as an alcoholic, but on the inside I do.
2) I don't seem to fit into many of the AA meetings I go to from a socio-economic standpoint and honestly I'm terrified to share that I wouldn't "fit in" and there seem to be a lot of folks who lost alot, when I lost nothing and on top of that got sober through another program.

I guess I'm back at AA though because I'm tired of staying sober on my own and I see alot of value in the 12 steps. I've never really admitted to the label of being "an alcoholic" but I think I have the disease. When I start drinking/smoking or for that matter anything "addictive", even coffee its a crap shoot if I can stop and I put myself and others at risk. Man when I drink coffee, I don't stop at 1, I have just about 1/2 gallon (anyone else have this problem?) Sometimes I could control it other times I couldn't and did some really dumb stuff.

I guess I always answer my own question, if there was a genetic test, i would bet I would test positive for alcoholism/addiction. In fact a couple years ago when I came out of surgery (half awake sedation) I came out so fast they asked "usually we only see that if someone has had past issues with substance abuse, have you?". I'm the guy who is still awake at 3AM after drinking smoking like a fiend when every other normal drunk has passed/blacked out, then I'm suffering miserably for the next 2-3 days from anxiety (maybe withdrawal).

Any insights welcome, I think I am an alcoholic, its just the shame/guilt and all the other garbage that goes with the label that I struggle with.

Peace,
Lotus

[zoomie]

Hi Lotus, welcome! I never really lost anything either due to my drinking and did not drink as much as some,but i drank enough to know that I could not stop on my own so I go to AA. It does not matter if your a problem drinker or an alcoholic, the only requirment for AA is a desire to stop drinking. I'm addicted to anything too, but as long as I don't drink or drug I can fight my other addictions if I want to LOL. I love coffee and not about to give it up :)

[Victoriana]

Hello Lotus,
addiction is what you are really talking about. Something we all know a lot about. It isn't the substance, it is addiction in general. I spent many years addicted to drugs, cleaned up from that (15 years now) and then became a drunk (7 weeks clean from that now). I also can't just eat one square of chocolate or drink just one cup of tea/coffee. I'm also a workaholic. It is the nature of the addict. I know I am a addict and always will be. The thing is to find harmless addictions, for instance, having harmless fun with sober friends, working out, hobbies etc.
Stat strong and post often. Welcome to this lovely community.

[DaveH]

Lotus,
Welcome and congratulations on 4 years dry. That is a tough way to do it though, since I understand dry to mean just not drinking, you get to "keep" the character defects. Not sure I could have done that. I am glad you got "lucky". There is no need to feel apologetic about being a high bottom drunk. I have met quite a few of those, even sponsored a few. And I was always glad for them too. Just because a person hasn't lost a job, marriage, or home doesn't mean they haven't lost something. It is my experience that those losses are often the easiest to deal with once one starts working a program. The difficult losses are often the ones no one sees; hope, our self respect, our confidence, our ability to feel or love, even think in a logical manner. And those are often the things I drank over. Interestingly enough, the shame and guilt you reference are the things that went away once I made the admission and began to work the twelve steps. And today I am more than okay with the label of a recovering alcoholic. It saved my life and restored to me my sanity. I wish you the best as you sort out the questions you have.
Regards,
DaveH

[lotus]

Thanks Dave, Victoriana and Zoomie, much appreciated.

I think what I'm looking for is external "permission" or "confirmation", one of my defects, looking for validation from the outside of what I feel on the inside. Being an ACOA I learned not to trust what I was seeing/feeling, so its challenging for me to just trust what I know on the inside and not need it validated on the outside.

I know I'm an alcoholic who, for today, has arrested the consequences of the disease by not drinking today for the past 4 years, but I haven't dealt with the inside stuff and I guess thats why my HP has brought me here, back to the program. Like you said Dave, I didn't loose anything external but the inside stuff I lost/sacrificed and the root causes are the real issue in addition to me accepting that I have a disease that will never go away, that I know in my heart. If I start drinking tonight, I could well end up dead or kill someone else or be in jail because when I start its questionable if I can control it or stop in safety.

Thanks for your help I really appreciate it.

Lotus

[paulm]

Thanks Lotus, you told my story. I identify. the struggle I had was acceptance that I need the program and then I recognized through going to AA and staying sober that I need God too, so I can get through the mental and emotional rollercoaster.
I am so glad you shared, you most definitely are not alone.
I too have no control over how much coffee I will drink, some days it's a cup in the morning others it's three by noon, then I get so batty that I can't function as normal humans do. Yes, there could be a caffeine addiction there, I am monitoring that so I can stay of healthy mind and body.. See, that's what's different since I came back to AA, I want to return to some state of normal, and feel healthy.. Thanks and God Bless

[sioux]

I'm in AA because I too don't want to do it alone. So I guess you and I fit right in afterall. Welcome!

[MichelleW]

Hello Lotus. I overcame a drug addiction in my early twenties and was clean and sober for about five years. But I wasn't in any kind of program. I lived in an isolated area and back in those days the Internet was just starting.

It was okay I guess but I still didn't really know how to relate to other people and what to do with my burgeoning spiritual awakening. I just kind of went from one philosophy/belief system to the next. In retrospect, it was very easy for me to get pulled into alcohol abuse, which I've been affected by now for several years.

You don't have to compare yourself to anyone else in recovery, with regard to which 'stage' you are at. I don't even know if someone else can tell you whether or not you're an alcoholic - it's something which probably has to be a personal realisation. Alcoholism is an 'equal opportunity' disease, affecting people in all walks of life. It's also progressive.

I can overdo the coffee if I'm not careful. In fact that's what I've been doing a lot of lately. I let myself have as much tea as I want though, just so long as I stay hydrated with plenty of water.

Welcome to CBR and let us know how it all goes for you.

[lotus]

Thanks Sioux and MichelleW,

Its great to hear your thoughts and much appreciated. 4 years into this I know long term its just too much to do by myself and more importantly I don't want to do it by myself anymore, I need a fellowship like AA. I think I've come to some acceptance with your help and that of others that I have alcoholism and for me that means a label of "alcoholic" of which there are probably an infinite variety and degrees. But simply, when I start drinking, it is unreliable to stop and the plans I make for my drinking never pan out and I put myself and others in danger, I'm an alcoholic in my own understanding, I can't control it (and alot of other substances along with people, places and things from my ACOA upbringing).

I think focusing on identifying instead of comparing and giving myself only the one to make the call is key.

Thanks!
Lotus:smile: