weekly topic overcoming isolation & risking vulnerability

[shydawg]

earlier in the week , we had a reading in our NA daily meditation book "Just For Today" that dealt with something I really could relate to . .. ."""As we grow , we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings"Basic Text,p.81 "rather than risk vulnerability, many of us have developed habits that keep others at a safe distance. These patterns of emotional isolation can give us the feeling we are hopelessly locked behind or masks."" .....for many many years I had used drugs to build up walls to withdraw from the others ."you know .. NO One gonna ever hurt me again type of thing . it was a trust type thing I think . i withdrew .started when I was young ,,I had . ppl i trusted .. broke that trust– parents ex girlfriends I was supposed to marry .as my addiction got worse & I started isolating from others .because of the the guilt, shame, & lack of trust of others .fear of rejection.. those walls got bigger & bigger . & i withdrew big time .. I find it hard now at times to open up to others , to risk being vulnerable at times . & sharing laying.. myself out there ..... I guess what Im asking how have you you overcome isolation in recovery & risking vulnerability

[BIG AL]

O would say I dont know.I think maybe I deal with people is to get angry with them and I have a reason not to mess with them.I never really thought about it till you posted this topic.If I just do things by myself mostly I dont get dissapointed wich can be very lonely.And I have way of beatting myself up over things really bad.I dont like alot of folks most people I do get along with are in AA.I have been noticing I have very low tolerance or mercy toward others latley wich may be a major lack of humility.My wife was talking about a co-worker last night and ask me something and I said who gives a **** she is nobody and I told my nephew same thing about someone he was talking to today.I tell you is that islolation or just plain old pride that could kill me if not gotten under control.You tell me?

[Victoriana]

This is an interesting subject. I had isolated myself but upon becoming sober I suddenly "woke up". I wanted to be part of the world again. There is a whole world out there and a life to be lived. Strange really, I had been deliberately lonely and had read that people have a hard time shaking off the isolation but for me, I just wanted my life back. I got out there and looked up old friends and made new ones too.
Maybe I am the exception that proves the rule but life is so short. We may as well enjoy our sobriety otherwise we aren't gaining anything from it.

[flick]

thank's for the topic....I think I actually shared on this reading on the day....I have a tendancy to isolate a lot still and after a recent incident am not real keen to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable either. I am stuck in a unhealthy space again at the moment.

[DavidNOLA]

I know for me I must overcome my isolation by SHARING whenever I can in a meeting.
I read something recently that said being shy in a room full of welcoming people is equivalent to secretly hating yourself.
By sharing, we allow ourselves to be accountable too. Which is something we avoided when we chose to isolate ourselves.

[zoomie]

For me isolation came from people not liking me and they left me alone. Pretty soon I just stopped wanting to make friends even if I did have a chance to make some. Now I crave friendships,but it's hard for me to make friends. I don't know what to say any more. I'v been hurt a ton in my life and have hurt others. I just move on to the next thing though which in it's self might not be all that healthy.

[annalittlebit]

Thinking about this I realize that I have isolated people since I was quite young--Never wanting to have to "fess up" to what was going on in my home due to the fact that both my parents were alcoholics---If I kept people at bay I never had to talk about it and if I felt someone was getting to close I would Back Away for sure---I can relate to Shydawgs saying " no ones ever gonna hurt me again" While I still run & hide sometimes I've also learned to "let it out--let my feelings be known---I'm learning that I don't need someone elses approval to know that I'm a Good person---Good topic Shydawg---Thanks for letting me share*******

[shydawg]

thanks everyone for sharing , all good responses . been thinking more on this , 'cause this is a big issue for me to my journey of recovery .I think it all goes hand in hand with self acceptance , trust issues resentments maybe?? . letting go of the past i guess , would that fall into forgiving others?? . any how . i had parents who left at a pretty young age & then again it happend few yrs later , the 2 failed engagments ,then my best friend even eventually turned on me – my drugs so I guess I sorta did the " circle the wagons " this all happened over a matter 30 yrs of hard drug use .. did some I withdrew bad in that that circle got smaller & smaller over the yrs .. but now as Ive gotten in clean & in recovery Ive started to get some cracks in the walls . started when I walked the doors & ppl welcomed me . they loved me until I was able to start to love myself again.. by sharing at mmeetings & seeing others nod in approval or just even listening gave me encouragment . it let me know that i wasnt unique...my sponsor told me i could & should try chairing or maybe filling as secretary I was nervous as hell . but theses small risk taking things helped me some get "out of my shell" somewhat . but being an addict , I have that "quick fix" impulse thinking where i want to be fixed now ..I gotta remember that it took me many yrs to put up those walls & its gonna take awhile for me to knock them down . i'm not looking for any quick fixes today .I wanna heal from the inside out . & it starts with self acceptance & today I can look in a mirror & know that person looking back is a honest caring loving human being doing the best he can today ... I dont really isolate too much at home too much anymore ... (it was more of an emotional thing that i do at times .. sometimes I just dont seem to be able to be able to open up to others . unless I am real comfortable around ya .. hard to meet new ppl ...But life is good I dont sit at home too much & isolte to much .. As another had said . I didnt get into recovery to be misreable . hell if that was the case might as we'' still be getting high

[sioux]

Those were great survival skills we developed for the life we were living then. However, they no longer work when the restoration of sanity kicks in and we are faced with day-to-day choices.

Here's a little prayer I had modified for myself (found in a book - can't remember) that is easy for me to invest in when I am feeling like I have to use old tools for my new life




G-d, give me courage and strength to know:
-who I really am
-act accordingly in MY life
-refrain from diverting time, energy and interest into MY character defects

[Craig A.]

Good topic, I learned by talking in meetings, sharing my thoughts in my head, getting phone numbers and USING them, my sponsor told me if I just call people when I feel like using or down, I would eventually not call anybody. He would say strengthen your ability to reach out and call people when you feel good or just call to say hello and then the telephone can't weigh 50 lbs cause you were working out! I learned to not just show up for a meeting but get there early, help set up, stay late and help tear down, go for coffee regulary. Then he told don't stay in your head and see where that leads you, I don't have to tell you where that goes ... I heard if you are stuck in your head you are behind enemy lines! I ahd to be able to take criticizm from healthy people. I had to have a relationship first with a Higher Power in order to be able to hear what you had to say, and keep my eyes on me! I used everything to hide--drugs,anger, peopl pleasing, fear, self-righteousness, you name it it probably has been used, some I still rely on but with the help of this program and all you people I have a way out! They are old survival tools and it will take a lifetime to be perfect ( just kidding )! I remember to look at me through your eyes cause you accepted me for who I am hopefully I will accept myself for who I am. Thank you for the topic and God Bless!!!

[lotus]

Hey All,

I think I isolate people as well. I think although I hid behind alcohol to deal with my feelings of insecurity and potential rejection and this was the worst isolation of all. Now that I'm sober I think I truly isolate less, but I'm not so good at being intimate with friends. I think part of it is cultural in that our culture doesn't value talking about feelings and letting someone be where they are emotionally. We are taught to always be UP! Now that I'm going to meetings though as my sponsor said it is like those who are not in the program (generalization) are in as he says "the land of the apes". I think the key difference is that in the program people honestly share their feelings and this tears down isolation, but in the "real" world this is not encouraged. So maybe all of us with this disease (whether Alanon, AA, NA) are truly more sensitive people where living in a world that doesn't value honest sharing "rubbed" us all wrong and we ended up isolating and using whatever addictive thing to protect our sensitive natures?

Just some thoughts.
Peace,
Lotus