Humor

[admin]

Dressing Down

A minister friend went to the store the other day to pick out a new
tie to wear for an upcoming wedding he had been asked to perform. He
found one that matched his suit but it didn't have a price tag on it.
So he went to the clerk and asked, "Hey, buddy, how much is this
tie?"

He said, "Sixty-five dollars."

The minister said, "What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind
of money."

The clerk replied, "Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around
your neck?" :D

[admin]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kindom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. he stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, Pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."

St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton Robe and wooden staff and enter The Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

[janbear]

Signs You're in for a LONG Sermon



10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the soundman to have a few
(dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus on the back.

4. When the preacher asks one of the deacons to bring in his notes, he
rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit,
the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super
bowl" but it's only November!

[admin]

My four-year-old granddaughter, Amanda, went to the doctor's
office with a fever. The doctor looked in her ears and said, "Who's
in there? Donald Duck?"
She said, "No." He looked in her nose and said, "Who's in there?
Mickey Mouse?"
Again she said, "No." He put his stethoscope on her heart and
said, "Who's in there? Barney?"
Amanda replied, "No, Jesus is in my heart. Barney is on my
underwear." :43:

[admin]

My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually
repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious
food. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen."

One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the
trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family
and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying
from the heart.

But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then
dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer
prayer," he said. "My food is still too hot."

[admin]

FOUND IN AN ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETIN

Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others

need apply.



PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry

light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have

sufficient vision to see the director.



EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons

who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower

at some time.



BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service

of God.



FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the security

of social fellowship with other choir members.



HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings.

There is occasional opportunity for overtime.



RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes getting

too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too

hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing.

We are an equal opportunity employer!

[admin]

Several years ago, our new assistant minister was delivering his first sermon
to the congregation, when an elderly woman in one of the front pews shouted,
"Oh, shut up!" The young preacher, taken aback, stopped mid- sentence, held
on to the pulpit, and, with his mouth agape, stared at the displeased
parishioner. He soon discovered that her harsh words had been directed not
at him but at her squeaking hearing aid.

[admin]

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

[admin]

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" :11:

[janbear]

Between the Pages




A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

[admin]

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was
shocked when he found it would cost $50 an hour to
rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been
more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you
have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is
water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well," said the Scotsman, "at $50 an hour for a boat,
it's no wonder He walked."

-- Mikey's Funnies

[janbear]

Sunday School Money

A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"

"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

[admin]

JESUS ON THE PORCH

The little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go
out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out
there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of
the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and
protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's
out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when
you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back
door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called,
"Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

[admin]

"Dear God, There's something I wanted to ask you... what was all that
thundering and lightening about last night?" -Dennis The Menace

[admin]

Top Christian bumper stickers

'Do whatever He tells you to do' - Mary
@CHRISTJESUS.COM
A house is not a home without me -- God.
About that 'love thy neighbor' thing? I meant it -- God.
Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with God!
America needs a Faith Lift!
Before Sunday football why not come to my house -- God.
Believe in God and you shall prosper.
Believe those who seek the Truth. Doubt those who find it!
Blessed by Jesus - Spoiled by my husband.
Bring the children to me -- God.
C'mon over and bring the kids -- God.
CAUTION! Non-exposure to the Son will cause burning.
CAUTION! God At Work! Person In Progress!
Christians are square... with God.
Christians aren't perfect... just forgiven.
Come to Jesus, Come to life!
Did you thank God today?
Do you have any idea where you're going?-- God.
Don't blame God for the things that people do.
Don't follow me, follow Jesus!
Don't give up. Look up!
Don't leave without life support!
Don't make me come down there -God
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't think God has a sense of humor? Look at the platypus.
Don't worry about tomorrow, God is already there!
Empower yourself, Lean on the Lord.
Enlighten Up!
Everyone has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
Exercise daily - walk with God.
Exercise daily - walk with the Lord!
Experience Life At No Cost! Call 1-800-MEET-God
Faith is Believing!
Father God created Mother Earth!
Follow me -- God.
Follow me... I am your God.
Follow the SON for Light and Life.
For all you do, His blood's for you!
Friends don't let friends miss out on Heaven!
Go in peace, serve the LORD!
Go to church don't wait for the Hearse to take you.
Go to church. Avoid the Christmas rush.
God's been patient... So Far!
God's Love is Big Enough for All of Us
God's World = God's Rules; not Ours!
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called!
God doesn't support Road Rage!
God gives and forgives, Man gets and forgets!
God I will ride with you!
God Is My Pilot!
God is perfect, we are not.
God is still on the throne!
God is too big to fit into just one religion
God is. Any questions?
God loves you whether you like it or not!
God loves you! And I'm really trying.
God loves you! And I'm trying.
God makes miracles but, He doesn't clean cars.
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
GOD RULES - always has. always will.
God says it, I believe it, That settles it.
God spoke, and BANG! It happened!
God's Watching You
Have a God day!
Have God, will travel!
Have you read my #1 best seller? There'll be a test -- God
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
Heading in the wrong direction? God allows U-turns.
Heaven is outa this world!
Honk if you love God!
How's my driving?.. Pray!
How about you come to my house before the game on Sunday? -- God
HWJD: How Would Jesus Drive
I'm under the influence... of God!
I did not believe in Reincarnation the last time either!
I don't question your existence - GOD.
If you want to get High, try the Lord!
If You Are Heading In The Wrong Direction God Allows U-Turns!
Interface with God: jesus@heaven.net.
Jesus changes lives.
Laughter is God's Sunshine!
Next time you think you're perfect ... try walking on water!
One Nation under God!
Open your Heart, open your Mind, open your Bible!
Spirit filled and on Fire!
Take a friend to Heaven!
The Big Bang theory: And God said 'Pulleth my Finger'
The way I drive, I've gotta have Faith!
WWJD: What would Jesus do?

[admin]

A rabbi and a minister were at the neighborhood picnic. As they rode in one
of the boats on the lake, the rabbi stood up, stepped out of the boat, and
walked over the water to the nearest stretch of land. Astonished, the
minister decided to see if he could duplicate this miraculous feat. He
stepped out of the boat and sank. But he managed to swim ashore. As he
started to dry himself off, the rabbi walked over and said, "If you're a
nice guy, next time I'll show you where the rocks are!" :11:

[admin]

Thank You for This Food

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

[admin]

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An
elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and
praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around
and gave her a high-five!

[admin]

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir," the boy replied.



"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.



"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

[admin]

THE SERMONS

A minister developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so

much so that everyone in the community came every service.

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island

for his nephew's birthday. But he didn't want to miss the

pastor's sermon. So he decided to hire a stand-in to sit in the

congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when

he returned.



Other congregates saw what was going on, and they also decided

to hire their own stand-ins to tape the sermon so they could play

golf or go fishing instead of going to church. Within a few

weeks time there were 500 stand-ins sitting in the church

taping the minister.



The minister got wise to this. The following Sunday he, too,

hired a stand-in that brought a tape recorder to play his

prerecorded sermon to the 500 stand-in's in the congregation

who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.



Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of

"artificial insermonation."



Received in email

[admin]

Little Johnny, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've
got a stomachache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," his mother replied. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave little Johnny a snack and sure
enough, little Johnny felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with
little Johnny's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.
Little Johnny perked up. "That's because it's empty," he said. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." :169:

[admin]

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as
they were on the way to church service, "And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little
girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[janbear]

:lol: that is often very true :lol:

[admin]

It is told of John Wesley that when he saw some of his hearers asleep he
stopped in his discourse and shouted: "Fire! Fire!" The Sleepers were
alarmed, and waking up, cried out: "Where, sir Where?" "In Hell!" replied
Wesley solemnly -- "In hell for those who sleep under the preaching of the
Word"

[admin]

A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally
recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members
protested that a more
experienced man would have been preferable.

Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might
breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the
end of the meeting, one commented to another, older member, that this marked
the beginning of better things for their church.

"Yes," the elder said with a wry smile. "Looks like we're moving on to
greener pastors."

[admin]

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is no God; the expression, "One Nation Under God", was unconstitutional; and further, he was going to prove there is no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the chin, and sent him tail over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.

The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class also fell silent ... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

Replied the young Marine: "God was busy, so He sent me."

[admin]

Little Susie, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've got a stomachache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied. "You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and sure enough, Susie felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.

Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

[admin]

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would
get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity
for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I
can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and
said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

[admin]

A cell phone rang during one of our sermon's at church. Our minister said
(without missing a beat), "That better be Jesus calling". It turned out to
be the church organist's cell phone.

[admin]

More Bulletin Bloopers:

* From a lyric sheet: "What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and briefs to bear."

* Support group meeting postponed: "There will be no Moms Who Care this week."

* Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.

* The Overeater's Anonymous Group will meet at 8:00 in the large room.

* Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

* We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

* Child Care provided with reservations

* Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.

* Scripture: "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me something to drink.

* We are always happy to let you sue our facility.

[admin]

Hymns For All Occasions

Dentist's Hymn: "Crown Him With Many Crowns"

Contractor's Hymn: "The Church's One Foundation"

Baker's Hymn: "I Need Thee Every Hour"

Weatherman's Hymn: "There Shall Be Showers of Blessings"

Ophthalmologist's Hymn: "Open My Eyes That I Might See"

Tailor's Hymn: "Holy, Holy, Holy"

IRS Hymn: "All To Thee"

Shopper's Hymn: "By and By"

Teacher's Hymn: "Be Still and Know"

[admin]

A friend of mine took her 4-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church.
Later that night, her daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her
and held her own "baptism."
As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated,
"Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and hold your nose."

[admin]

YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF.....

1. The doors are never locked.

2. The Call to Worship is , "Y'all come on in!"

3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.

4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering"-and five guys stand up.

5. The restrooms are outside.

6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of."

8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."

9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.

10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.

11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.

12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."

13. The church directory doesn't have last names.

14. The pastor wears boots.

15. Four generations of one family set together in worship every Sunday.

16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.

17. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

18. Baptism is referred to as "branding."

19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.

20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.

21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health and 3 visitors with pies!

22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.

23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

24. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.

25. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!"

[admin]

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

[admin]

Parable of the Crazy Old Lady

Frankly, don't we wish that Jesus had told this parable in a little
different way. Couldn't he have gotten the same point across if He had told
it something like this:

Verily, verily I tell you that once upon a time there was a good lady who
lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist
guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all
the time like that. Doesn't she know there is no GOD!" Many times while she
was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying, "Lady, why do
you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no GOD!" But she kept on
praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord
explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was going to do. As
usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph...I'll
fix her."

He went to the grocery store.

[admin]

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?

When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would

say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we

have to bless every family member, every friend, and every

animal (current and past).



For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer,

Kelli would say, "And all girls."



As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include

this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked

her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"



Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by

saying 'All Men'!"

[admin]

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a
bottle of it on his dining room table.
`
One day he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.
`
When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many
ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed
out a sample of it..." :279:

[admin]

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, “Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!”

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists’ holiday!”

The lawyer pompously said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?”

The judge said, “Well it comes every year on exactly the same date – April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as ‘April Fools Day,’ consider that Psalm 14:1 states, ’the fool says in his heart, there is no God.’

“Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!”
Received in email

[admin]

The One Sunday

It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for.

His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"