Frequency & consequences of drink matter?

[lotus]

I identify myself as being an alcoholic. When I pick up a drink, despite my best laid plans, I'm not always able to stop when I want. In my minid that means I'm an alcoholic. As the big book says, I have the physical craving and the mental obsession when I'm in drinking mode.

The funny thing is that when I look back on my drinking, most of the damage I did was to me. I didn't leave my family, I didn't loose a job, I was obsessed about if I should drink or not and finally made the decision to stop, thinking that if there is this much doubt something must be wrong with my drinking.

I damaged my self esteem by being unable to control it and keep on thinking I could control it. I hurt others by being so self focused about my insecurity around my drinking. I hurt myself by having to suffer through the jitters and anxiety after drinking, having out of body experiences, but kept drinking. I did like to drink alone when on business trips or when my wife went out, I looked forward to those times when I could just drink without anyone around, tie a good buzz on. I drank and drove when I said I wouldn't. I smoked when I said I wouldn't. I lied about how much I drank or if I smoked to my wife.

However, I didn't "loose" anything as I said other than my own self respect and serenity (not that that is small) but alot of people I see at AA lost ALOT. I very well could have lost alot drinking and driving but I got lucky.

I wasn't an everyday drinker, more of a weekend binger, but was starting to turn into an every day drinker and the daily quanity was risinig. Still had everything though.

But regardless of the lack of major loss I think I'm an alcoholic, but yet I still feel like an "imposter" at AA meetings because my drinking doesn't match others.

Thoughts?

Thanks,
Lotus

[sioux]

I was "brinking" much of the time, and the reality of my delusional thinking didn't kick in for quite some time after sobriety kicked in.

In truth, I did hurt others. I had no idea as I was quick to assess their damage since the physical wreckage in my perspective seemed minimal. Cripee, I was in school full time, working for lawyers full time, studying, etc. at the height of my alcoholic insanity. I could see only accomplishments that only an alcoholic could pull off really and yet I had zero integrity, self-esteem...an ego maniac with a superiority complex is how I heard it described best.

I hadn't been willing to listen to things like, "we worried" and understand what that meant for "them." That spanned across four states too by the way. They would say, "we weren't sure what was going on with you....we prayed...we held out hope....we didn't want you to know....we didn't want you around....we didnt' feel you could handle it....and the list went on and on. Finally one day it made sense. I wasn't going to get a free pass on the emotional wreckage I had caused others.

I have earned my seat in AA and I'll be damned if anyone is going to dethrone me of it because they are worse than or better than. We are all the same. Like you said...I picked up a drink, and it was on. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Eventually it changes to the desire to stay stopped. Hopefully. I don't look for excuses as to why I should not be there, but valid reasons as to why I can, need, want to be there.

Peace: Sioux

[MichelleW]

My concept of alcoholic has always been someone who doesn't have that switch in their mind that says when we've had enough to drink once we start. I started out with one or two drinks per day, was fine with that for awhile. But then I started saving up all those drinks for a weekend binge. And last year it was turning into two or three binges during the week. I'd always 'minimised' my problem because I thought that other family members had worse drinking problems. I tried to just hide my drinking as it became worse, and told myself I could get away with it. But last year I started experiencing frequent blackouts, outbursts and loss of control while drunk. Twice I was hospitalised, and I could no longer be in denial. But I wish I had done something earlier. I'm in admiration of those who have the insight to take control of their drinking early. I know now I can never return to moderate drinking again.

My father was an alcoholic. But my mother hardly ever touches alcohol. She just doesn't like it. She'll order a glass of light beer, but only drink half of it. I'd finish it off for her and that would be just the start for me.

(I have found quitting on my own much more difficult in my thirties than in my twenties. Even though I successfully kicked another addiction on my own in my early twenties, I now realise that there were still many unresolved personal issues. I wasn't drinking or using for a few years, but something felt missing in my recovery. I didn't really have any 'serenity' - I still felt uncomfortable and discontent in my day to day life.)

[Victoriana]

The main point is that once you start drinking you can't stop. It really doesn't matter what else is happening. I can't stop if I have that first drink and I am very lucky in that I lost very little in the material sense. I still have my friends and job, I didn't get into financial trouble or get arrested. I did drink myself to death, quite literally though. I am an alcohlic and an addict. I know this.

[lotus]

Thanks all! Much appreciated.

I know what my answer is, I just have alot of FUD, fear unsecure and doubt. Victoriana as you say all that matters is that once I start it is unpredictable if I can stop.

Sioux I frequently think of the membership requirement and instantly I feel better, I've been sober 4 yrs, but mostly on my one and like MichelleW said I was/am missing something and that is serentity/recovery/12 steps, a plan for living, all my resentments, fear, doubt are still there.

When I leave my local AA BB meeting I always feel happy, I can't explain it, just Like I know I'm dealing with something that needs to be dealt with.

I just read alot of posts on here and hear people talk about rejection in meetings and right now I don't think I could deal with someone saying "you don't belong" cause you haven't hit xyz bottom (not that I've hear anyone say that yet), maybe I'm just testing the waters on line. I'm fearful of sharing in the open meetings, I feel intimidated, but I do share and enjoy the smaller 12 step and BB meetings.

Bottom line is I want the fellowship of others staying sober, the 12 step program for living and the promises.

I know I deserve it today.

Thanks for sharing
Pete

[Victoriana]

Then you are attending for all the right reasons. Your sobriety is all that matters, not where or how often you share or whether your life followed the same track as anyone else's. As long as you keep your personal goals in sight you are on the right path.

[MichelleW]

As far as I'm concerned you should feel okay about being in AA. I've been to inner city meetings, and heard stories from guys who have been in jail or homeless, rarely ever having a waking moment sober - they've been through a lot more than I have. It's a fallacy though that people have to hit 'rock bottom' before they recover, always better to heed the warning signs. All those years I hid my problem, drinking myself into a stupor on weekends, it was all self-destructive, and inside it was destroying me bit by bit. Last year I finally had to face the music, but wish I'd done it sooner.

[Starlight]

But regardless of the lack of major loss I think I'm an alcoholic, but yet I still feel like an "imposter" at AA meetings because my drinking doesn't match others.

Hello Lotus & welcome. :D
I think you should feel grateful that your addiction didn't take more from you than it did.
I can relate to so much that you said, I too did not lose any relationships or suffer any financial woes because of my drinking, but it did take a huge toll on how I felt about myself.
I didn't hit rock bottom, far from it; but I could see the writing on the wall... and it said that my luck was running out & that if I continued on as I was, there was going to be a big price to pay down the road. It might sound silly, but I felt a foreboding dark cloud was starting to take form over me... it was like I was given a glimpse into my future of what would happen if I kept living like I was. I decided to quit on a "positive note" rather than wait & quit under duress of a negative situation.
About 2 weeks after I quit drinking, someone we knew was involved in an car accident... he had been drinking. He killed one person & injured 2 others in another vehicle. This really hit home..... that could have been me so many times. Thank God I never inflicted that kind of tragedy on someone else, I really don't know how I could live with that, I really don't.
I have no idea of what my life holds in store for me, but I can be certain of one thing: my drinking will never cause harm to another living soul... because I have taken that out of the equation.
I have had people say "You quit drinking?? I didn't think you were that bad"... it's like they expect only gutter-lickin drunks to become alcohol-free.... anything less, ie: a 'functional' drunk, should just be able to moderate their intake. I don't think it has anything to do with 'hitting rock bottom'... I think it has more to do with 'when we've had enough'.

Give yourself credit for putting on the brakes before it went totally out of control.... you never know what you may have prevented from happening because you chose the right path, at the right time. :)

[Victoriana]

I've been thinking about this. I get the feeling sometimes that in the meetings I attend there is a certain amount of "competition" sometimes. Someone will say " I drank 2 bottles of vodka a day and lost my marriage" and someone else will say " I drank 3 bottles of Whisky a day and lost my marriage and my business". I've seen this happen and have decided never to be part of it. I'm sure it is done with love and kindness in order to point out how much worse it could get if you continue to drink but I feel the important thing is that today we are not drinking and the next day or hour we will continue not to drink.

[lotus]

Man, thank you guys so much, I genuinely appreciate your sharing your thoughts. Starlight when you said

"I have had people say "You quit drinking?? I didn't think you were that bad"... it's like they expect only gutter-lickin drunks to become alcohol-free.... anything less, ie: a 'functional' drunk, should just be able to moderate their intake. I don't think it has anything to do with 'hitting rock bottom'... I think it has more to do with 'when we've had enough'. "

Man that is me to a T.

I remember waking up one morning after having gone out with my wife, only had a few beers that night, and just saying to myself "I'm done, I've had it" Deep down, or not deep down, I didn't want to drink anymore and experience all the garbage that I felt like inside and out after, before and during drinking. I can't explain it, but heard someone in a meeting share they felt like their soul was a trash compactor and every time they drank it got worse and tigher, that was me. I was an emotional wreck on the inside with doubt about my drinking and everything else, fear, insecurity etc... and I was looking for someone outside of me to give me permission to stop in a world that condones and promotes drinking.

It was like Russian Roulette for me, drinking. I like you guys said "should have" been killed, killed someone else, been in jail, DUI, arrested but it never happened. AND I can totally relate to the clould brewing idea, right on.

You know why, because I had to committ my mom to lock down rehab and see the hate in her eyes looking at me, I've watched her go through pancreas surgeries induced from drinking/pilling. The irony is when my father, brother and I left the rehab that day we went to the 99, they ordered a beer and I ordered the largest beer they had, like a jug of beer and again it hit me, how am I any different from my mom in a few years?

I have 3 kids and I was drinking/smoking and driving when I said I wouldnt, I was powerless and felt like crap inside.

Anyway yes I'm glad you pointed that out Starlight, today I am VERY grateful to all or you guys for helping and for me being sober today. I went to a 7am meeting and it was about remembering our last day drinking, as I drove home this AM without a hang over, I truly appreciated my sobriety for the first time in a few years, this is why I'm back in AA and the fellowship, doing it alone was just being "dry" not sober.

Thank you all,
Peace,
Lotus

[skyhook]

I often wonder what the basic difference is between someone who quits self medicating ( I almost said recovers :)) through various processes and someone who finds more "bottoms" than the seats at Madison Square Garden.

In the end we are not marked with stripes to distinguish one from the other, nor do we have the benefit of seeing into the future. Someone struggling today can very well be tomorrows victor.

I have considered the two-edged swords of pain tolerance and self will.

A high pain tolerance can blind us to the need, right up until the point of blowing a liver, or dui's, loss of family, etc,etc...while a low one may bring the need for sanity to the forefront of our thoughts, sooner, maybe with less obvious collateral damage or consequence.

We can all relate to self-will being an ally one minute and an enemy the next. Somehow, in recovery, we must harness self will in all its chamelion attributes and turn it over to God. He alone can judge the intentions of self will and sort out the fallow ground of our hearts. Strong self will, positioned for the greater good in recovery, can be a tremendous ally.

Peace and courage.