Hello!

[jeninoz]

Oh, I am GLAD I found you.

I'm a double winner - a member of another 12 step fellowship. I was sober 8.5 years and met my estranged husband in AA. Unfortunately, I stayed sober 8.5 years and he swapped the witch for the **tch and picked up IV meth.

I picked up a drink just over 2 years ago, we separated in April last year and I filed for divorce y'day. I am now 11 days sober again after much battling. Enough of that.

I have had a couple of old timers in my other fellowship tell me that I am severely co-dependent on my ex. I am currently reading a book. The trouble is I love him so much but I KNOW that (even tho 6 months clean/sober) he is still the same manipulating man he always was. He seems to have a "power" over me that I HATE. I feel like it's almost like a mental illness within me in relation to this man. My heart LOVES him. I feel like we are soul connected yet if I don't do what he wants me to do he is abusive and manipulative. I consider myself an intelligent person but when it comes to this person, I feel powerless. I am SCARED to death that I am doing the WRONG thing by divorcing him (we have 2 BEAUTIFUL children together).

I have a lovely new man in my life that treats me like a princess. Very loving and supporting but no, I don't think he is co-dependent. He is very indepdendent and it's probably the first true healthy relationship I've ever had.

Well, that's me. I REALLY need some help.

Jenni

[notsure]

hi jenni!
i'm pretty new to this myself, but I find it amazing how similar yr feelings are towards yr ex to my own about my own ex. When I think of the things he did to me I can't understand why I'd even think twice about my decision to leave, but I too feel the same soul connection that you do. It's strange. I have another friend who had an alcoholic partner, left him and found a healthy relationship, but she too still feels that "soul connection". She's happy now so not in any danger of returning. I don't know why we feel these things except that with an addict you kind of go very deep because it's all so emotional and dramatic and that's hard to forget when you've truly plumbed the depths with someone. But we all know too that it leads to a very bad place and there's no good future there. The best kind of love is the one that grows slowly and strongly and builds towards happiness for both. i think all human beings know this deep down.
I'm glad you've got a healthy new relationship. The truth is if yr ex (or my ex) loved you enough he would have made the changes to keep you, but unfortunately with addicts the addiction always comes first. I wish you the best of luck xxx

[jeninoz]

Dear NotSure,
Thanks SO much for your reply. I just needed someone to hear me and you were the "right" person being in a similar situation.
The relationship I am in now IS healthy (not perfect of course) and is growing SLOWLY over the year we've been together (I've usually moved in with em or married em by now - lol - that's not even really funny but it is TRUE). Of course I moved STRAIGHT into the new relationship STRAIGHT after I broke up with my ex but have made sure I go REAL SLOW.
The truth is, we really like each other (yes, even love but in SUCH a different way), I respect the man IMMENSLEY on many levels, physically all is good (well I'm going through "something" right now - probably new sobriety where I'm not "swingining off the chandaleirs anymore" lol) but sometimes I think it is "boring". I KNOW this is unhealthy thinking. I am missing the insane "excitement" - the adrenalin which STILL comes with the ex even tho most of it is just sick stuff like arguing etc....

[yukonm]

Welcome to our circle of support and encouragement. There is alot of information here that I hope you will find helpful. Please keep posting----we need you, too.
http://bestsmileys.com/welcome/4.gif

[Booky]

Oh, I am GLAD I found you.

...
Well, that's me. I REALLY need some help.

Jenni
:29: Hi, and welcome to this group. :17:

[dmarie]

Hi Jenni, my ex sounds just like yours except his doc was alcohol/cocaine, etc. When I finally divorced him it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my live bc I loved him and had a 2 yr old at the time. BUT it was the best thing I ever did for me, him and my son. I cried for 6 mths straight and felt like I would never have a life, never find a happy relationship, never find a man period...BUT I did (like you) and now can say I'm happily married for 10 years to a great guy. There will always be a place in my heart for my ex bc I believe once you love someone that much (with your soul) they remain a part of you forever, BUT we were NOT compatible in a healthy way...I'm alanon but know that I played a roled in the unhealthy behaviors we developed as a married couple due to drugs/alcohol just like he did. I support your decision 100%! I questioned my decision to leave him I don't know how many times but, in time, learned that it was the right one. Hugs to you for having the courage to change!

[jeninoz]

Hello New Friends,

Thanks so much for your support.

I have an admission to make, on June 11 I decided to come into rehab to attend to an alcohol addiction. I am 16 days (i think) sober today.

I have had as many withdrawal symptoms from not speaking with me estranged husband since I have been here as I have from alcohol.

I have cried and sobbed here yesterday when i bought up the subject of D with my group yesterday. It was amazing how many people felt the same way.

Is CODA the right 12 step program for a problem such as mine (with my ex). I'm a little unclear.

Last night I spoke with my ex through my daughter. Just a couple of comments back and forth to each other (nice) but I felt like I'd had a "fix". I'm SO confused.

My new (wonderful) partner of a year has been so loving and so supportive. Driving 3 hours each way twice a week to visit me.

Jenni:16: