Drawn to people who don't listen

[lotus]

Hey All,

I grew up in a family of very poor listeners and it is my pet peave (character defect) that people MUST listen well as a result (fact is I don't do a good job myself). And I historically got pissed, resentful and angry when people dont.

I find it funny though that I believe I continually draw people (boss's etc...) into my life who are poor listeners. Maybe my lesson that I'm trying to teach myself is that I'm worthy of being heard and that I have to accept myself first and foremost?

Lotus

[dmarie]

Here, here, Lotus! You are most certainly worthy..more than I think you realize. Funny how our past can shape the types of relationships we seek out as adults. I too find it soooo much easier to listen to other people because I don't face any kind of rejection at all if I"m not the one doing the talking (so the speak). What I now realize is that if I talk and no one listens or I get rejection then that is the other person's problem and not mine. That what I have to say does and always will matter. And my higher power is always there to listen to me with open, nonjudgmental, arms. So talk, yell, whine, and you know what the more you do it the more you will find people who are good listeners....I think that's how you start to break the cycle personally.:29:

[DaveH]

Lotus,
Maybe you are a better listener than you give yourself credit. Proof being that people are drawn to you who are not good listeners....but they know you are. Most everyone wants to be heard. Unfortunately that winds up being a one way street when you are the only listener in the conversation. I always thought it interested that in the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" they rate listening skills so highly. It was shown that people rate good listeners as good conversationalist.....go figure. I echo dmarie's comment that you certainly are worthy of being heard, we all are. Everybody needs a voice and we all need to be validated. A good listener does just that. And I think web sites like this often do the same thing, validating our needs, hurts, and even our successes. I have always admired how AA meetings are run. One person speaks while everyone listens. Quite honestly, it was one of the many things the program taught me; how to listen. I used to be so consumed with building a response to what someone was saying to me, that I too was a poor listener. AA and other resources have vastly improved my listening skills. Knowing that the world does not revolve around me has helped too. Today I have learned who listens and who doesn't in my circle of friends and associates. I don't get angry at the poor listeners, I just don't share anything of real importance with them, something that I could use some feed back on.
Regards,
DaveH

[Mycool]

Hey All,

I grew up in a family of very poor listeners and it is my pet peave (character defect) that people MUST listen well as a result (fact is I don't do a good job myself). And I historically got pissed, resentful and angry when people dont.

I find it funny though that I believe I continually draw people (boss's etc...) into my life who are poor listeners. Maybe my lesson that I'm trying to teach myself is that I'm worthy of being heard and that I have to accept myself first and foremost?

Lotus

Other people teach us who we are. Their attitudes to us are the mirror in which we learn to see ourselves, but the mirror is distorted…We seldom realize, for example, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society

[flick]

Hi Lotus, very interesting post, not something I had given a lot of thought to prior to now; the connection of being brought up in a family of poor listeners and attracting the same later in life; my family, particularly my parents were often dismissing of what we children had to say, interestingly my partner is rather arrogant (self owned too) and his not listening to me or more to the point not even acknowledging that I've spoken at times is a pet peeve of mine.......as it brings about rejection and then resentment.
"I allow" being ignored/not heard to bring about feelings of worthlessness also; and that I know stems from my dysfunctional upbringing. Other people teach us who we are. Their attitudes to us are the mirror in which we learn to see ourselves, but the mirror is distorted…We seldom realize, for example, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our societyso true.....this is where we need to relearn the taped messages inside our heads.

I've actually tried to ignore him in return but being it's not me to be so rude I find I cannot do it.......and I am always brought back to God on this one for I know it is not going to help anything by repeating the same behaviour.

I am learning to deal with it by repeating myself to him, asking him if he didn't hear me or if he is simply ignoring me for whatever reason. I also try and remind me that its not actually about me, its about him, I see him doing it to his kids and sometimes now to our toddler.

My listening skills were rather terrible too, mostly I believe as I was always too busy trying to get 'my word in' or thinking of my response......the sickness of our disease; 'me, me me'!!.....I am learning through focused attention to actually listen, and "hear" what the other person has to say and I spend much less time trying to butt in and or focus on me.

I have made a particular effort to listen and hear my children and respond in kind when required because I have come to understand how important it is to be heard; it validates them as being worthy. Even from the very earliest stages of "baby talk" it validates them if we respond to their babbling.....something I read before my now toddler was born. So yes I learnt to talk baby talk again until he began to speak! :lol:Maybe my lesson that I'm trying to teach myself is that I'm worthy of being heard and that I have to accept myself first and foremost?you are certainly worthy of being heard and I 'hear and understand' what you are saying here, it certainly makes sense to me!:1::42:

[sioux]

I could attest to the same things you are writing. I have really come to understand that so many people in my life, starting with my family, have been baffled as to how to respond to me.

I am thinker and vocalizer. I like to be heard and considered. A lot! This was not a priority for my family. I have learned that they may not think things through as carefully or thoroughly as I do. I found this to be an asset; they considered it a defect. Now I am not so sure they didn't have a point. They are doers...they keep their thoughts private, and reserve their opinions. They exercise a kind of self-control as foreign to me as I am to them! Well howdy...I am learning some value here.

And then there are those of course in the work place primarily that are really not interested in anything I have to say or contribute until of course, it doesn't meet their expectations. I have abandoned impossible situations like this because I know there is someone out there that wants and will appreciate my talents and abilities...thinking, contemplation, communication, assessing, taking action.

We are very talented, creative people that have a need to be taken seriously....it's just that sometimes our perceptions sometimes don't mesh with others. That leaves us in decision making mode. How much time I want to spend convincing someone to see things my way, how many ways can I say the same thing...well, those are my alanon issues I have to work on.

Sioux

[skyhook]

A few years ago, I defined a point of frustration in my life and coined the term (at least in my mind) "One Way Relationship" (OWR's). OWR's are those connections we all have that suck the life out of you. Givers vs. the Takers.

I had accumulated various OWR's that were draining or otherwise required relentless attention. People I cared for, but who were either unwilling or incapable of returning the favor. I realized I had been propping these things up for sentimental or professional reasons...but they had, none the less, run their course. It was as if I had been carrying this 20 foot long 2x4 by myself, with no one on the other end. Got old.

Needless to say, when I dropped my end of the 2x4 and let gravity have its way, some people got their panties bunched up, wondering what the deal was.

It was the first time in years that they heard me...and the last time.

[gettinfree]

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted—
To understand, than to be understood—

I'm selfish and self centered...oh well.

This section of St. Francis prayer give me a goal to aim for. Sure it may seem lofty, but it give me something to pray for and aim for...Mike

[lotus]

Skyhook, I love the concept of OWR. When I quit drinking 4 years ago, after a year or so of sobriety, I did the same thing with alot of my drinking buddies. I still have some of the relationships, just not so One Way anymore and I see them alot less. I have/had had them for similar reasons, sentimental and professional, but the cost isn't worth the benefit.

Gettinfree, I see the value in that prayer. However as an ACOA I think I tended to take that to the extreme and not value myself and have proper boundries which ended up in OWRs.

Thanks for sharing everyone.
Lots

[gettinfree]

lotus, thanks for the insights. years ago in early recovery i found the st francis prayer. it had it's merits for me for learning acceptance and tolerance, but i too, have taken it to the extreme in my life. my recovery today has been more centered on my coda issues. i need to look at the issues ski brings up. i roll over too easily...humm?...M

[skyhook]

No disrespect meant...these are tough decisions to make. Sometimes we accumulate things when we're children, that don't fit as adults. Can't quite fit in my Grranimal pants anymore...:)