The drinking seems to be getting worse

[Want2bfree]

I don't know why. It could be I am growing more depressed because of being unemployed and maybe even going to my OP program where the focus is on not drinking SO much that I just want to drink. Or maybe it's because I am having to sneak more so my BF doesn't think I am drinking. I don't know.

I went to an AA meeting and, while everyone is really nice, it just doesn't resonate with me. I don't really have a support system (except my BF really wants me to be sober) and am tired of doing the same thing day in and day out. At any rate, I don't know what I am asking for here - maybe just some insight and a way to stop things. Thanks in advance

[Starryeyed]

I used to sneak drinks too, but it gets harder and harder to hide. Like, look I'm drunk on three beer, imagine that? Meanwhile I had a mickey of vodka under the sink; laundry basket, make-up bag...
Anyway, I'm still in the process of finding an AA group that's right for me. Keep looking; (last time I quit it took about six different groups), sometimes it's a group that you will find more compatible; people you can geniunely relate too. I think the rest takes more time and in my case, an opening up to what is actually being said. I tend to think defensively at this point. But it's obvious you're not happy with the way things are, so that's a start. Good luck!

[Mycool]

I used to hide "sacrifice" bottles of vodka my wife could find and throw out,then I'd go to the real stash. I spent more time and effort creating innovative ways to sneak drinks it was like having and hiding an affair,which I was,with my drink,my love,my life. The breakup was tough but I never want to see my ex-lover again. Vodkalina almost took it all. Life is so **** good now,like Scrooge after the visits by past,present and future,I'm as giddy as a school boy!

It doesn't seem right that I feel so good,so free,so blessed. But I ain't complaining.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change so that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom, understanding and love.

What I am gaining I wish for everyone. Its not just sobriety (which is the foundation) its sanity--its seeing,and feeling and being now. Where I slept walked through my life I am now awake,and one day at a time I plan to keep awake and walking in the light.

Alcoholism is a disease. Wonder is not. It is our birthright. Sorry if I'm rambling but I'm giddy as a school boy.

Peace,love, understanding to all of you,my fellowship--Mycool

[Mycool]

Post script: I'm a middle-aged, balding,pony-tailed ex-hippie athesist turned agnostic buddhist who love's St Francis Prayer. AA groups should be weird for me and I don't personally relate to or agree with what other members might say,but by God they're together in that room,and they're choosing life despite the fact that for an alcoholic/addict it can be just one **** thing after another. The best and dearest friends I ever met and made were in the psych ward,treatment and AA. I'll keep coming back because that's where the humans reside. And no, I'm not high right now (at least not drug-wise).
Namaste

[Ortho]

I don't know why. It could be I am growing more depressed because of being unemployed and maybe even going to my OP program where the focus is on not drinking SO much that I just want to drink. Or maybe it's because I am having to sneak more so my BF doesn't think I am drinking. I don't know.

I went to an AA meeting and, while everyone is really nice, it just doesn't resonate with me. I don't really have a support system (except my BF really wants me to be sober) and am tired of doing the same thing day in and day out. At any rate, I don't know what I am asking for here - maybe just some insight and a way to stop things. Thanks in advance

Want2bfree,

Based on what I've read from you over the past couple days (which is, admittedly, just over the past couple of days) it's obvious to me that one of the things you are good at is expressing what it is you're going through, and how it makes you feel. That's a great thing not just for you, but for other people who are reading this that are struggling right now. Maybe people aren't having the exact same experiences as you, but different experiences can produce similar feelings. People can still relate to you and support you. Even if they haven't experienced EXACTLY what you've experienced, a lot of people have felt what you've felt.

Perhaps journaling and writing would be a strength of yours. Whenever you want to have a drink, try writing about it first. That might help take the focus of your struggle off of drinking and onto the page. Hopefully that will help. In looking at how you've been willing to share, you'll probably be helping others as well.

Good luck!! I am thinking of you!!!

[Want2bfree]

Thanks all. I am not doing so hot today. I got stood up yesterday so I drank. I just didn't know how to deal with someone I love and have come to trust again doing this to me. He didn't even call. Today he made up a story and lied to me and told me we aren't even in a relationship. My head hurts, my heart hurts and I can't even manage to drink as I'd like, as I feel so sick. I took some aspirin and they are not working. Nothing is working. I appreciate each of you taking the time to write to me and I'll address your thoughts when I feel better.

[Jay Bee]

Hello Want2bfree , Im reading that you are going thru some pain. Your screen name is very powerful to me, We have a saying in the rooms , freedom is not free, We must do some work on ourself inorder to feel free from our self made prison. SUGGESTION: Pratice on surrounding yourself around people who are just like you and me , let them love you and guide you to a better understanding about yourself:15:, (It works when you work it). Also about your friend , you are seein the true Representative of his true characteristic , you must move on...The program works miracle in our lives. We become different people. Working the steps and manintaining abstinence give us a daily reprieve from our self-imposed life sentences.We become free to live:15:.

[sioux]

My experience is that if, just for example, I am a secretary and I want to be a holistic healer, I have to get some education and immerse myself in that culture. If I am serious about it that is.

If I want to be sober, and I am hanging out with people that are drinking and going to bars, etc., I wouldn't reasonably expect that my drinking would decrease or stop at all.

In other words, nothing changes if nothing changes. That was really powerful to hear for me. And further, it requires a desire for change, a commitment, some decision making, and following through.

Not only can I change who I hang out with, where I go, the color of my hair, the size of my jeans, the relationships I engage in, but my perspective on what it takes to implement these changes.

It's big effort that's for sure, and that's why I have a working relationship with my Creator to help me do for myself what I think is too big in my head to even attempt. It could work for you too if you want to start changing the way you think about your life, and figure out what you can reasonably do to incorporate some changes. There are people that care, and while you may not be able to "resonate" with them, maybe you can "relate" instead to what they've been through and try emulating what they have done to change their lives.

That's what I did. It was hard, I agree, to get to that place where I could admit that I needed a personality change.

[DaveH]

Want2bfree,
You said"nothing is working". That described me perfectly and it was in fact what brought me into the rooms of AA. Quite honestly if some of my life still worked I would have stayed out there longer. If the drink would have continued working, I would have stayed out. In fact it was a rude awakening when the drink stopped working. It stopped "fixing" things for me. In the past it fixed being angry, being sad, being lonely, and yes being stood up. What I had allowed to become my best friend suddenly became my worst enemy. And today I am glad that it all stopped working because it was what finally drove me into some kind of action. I have heard it said in the rooms of AA that until the pain of continuing our life as it is, outweighs the pain of changing it, we will do nothing. I came into the rooms because it just hurt to much to continue. What a surprise it was for me when I realized that it did not have to be that way. I think that was my first spiritual awakening. I have since learned that I don't have to drink over anything anymore. The steps of this program, the fellowship with others, and a new relationship with my HP all helped me to develop healthy behaviors and responses. Hang in there, it will get better if you give it the chance to do so. You are not alone!!!
Regards,
DaveH

[Joplinfrk]

Pain sucks, doesn't it? Some people thrive on it but for me, I did any and everything to not feel the pain. End result: not only did I hurt myself, but all those that love me. The fact that you are here shows that you want to get help so, don't quit until the miracle happens. It will.