Judging others

[Craig A.]

:17:Hello everybody, My name is Craig A. and I am a gratefully recovering alcoholic and addict! I'm sharing this cause I need to get it out and hopefully help others at the same time. One of my good friends died from alcoholism :44: this was unexpected and pretty close to me. This guy I was pretty close to :42: we talked reguraly, we have a foursome that we golf together, at least once a month for about the last two years, so all of us have got to know each other pretty close!I am only sharing this to give a little background, well Monday night I get a call from a friend tellng me he died :16: and can I go by the guys house and give this other member support who found him ( he only had 7-8 months and started getting scared ), of course I did, at the end of it they let us see his body before taking it away and it was a sad sight! :2: :8: One thing that started to bother me was some of our mutual friens stated to me that well he drank and died that's what happens when you drink. One when as far as stating that he might show up for the wake but won't stay long because people are making a big fuss over it. This got me thinking about how I react to other people dieing ( from this disease ), it is pretty clear/obvious that he didn't work the program he is dead, then all the judgements and harshness especially from those people who called themselves friends ( huh, friends like that who needs enemies! ) I did the same thing about people that I didn't know to well either. My friend pointed out that those friends didn't know him as well as we did and didn't love as we did and that got me thinking about how I react the same way ,cold and rigid, if a person dies from cancer you don't callously say well thats what you get when you get cancer, you have sympathy and love, and show support! He may have chose to drank which did take his life but why not show compassion to his friends and family and enjoy the moments when he was alive. Through this process I will have more compassion for the fallen members and not be so judgemental on their mistakes or whatever we want to call them cuase dead is dead, they don't get a second chance. It just hurt when these friends called and said that but God was showing me my defect so I don't do the same thing when I hear about somebody I don't know as well! As much as I will miss him and his funny, and down to earth attitude, I will learn from his life and death and grow from it and hopefully be more mature through this process, thank you all for letting me purge this up and share this! I hope you got something out of it and please dshare your thoughts on this as well!!! Thank you and God Bless you :29:

[sioux]

I can share a little with you.

I did not accept that alcoholism was a disease in the first five years of my recovery. I liked "malady." Like some kind of mild affliction. I don't know why.

Then several friends with very long term sobriety, 16, 22, 33 years....blew their heads off, hung themselves. They did not drink no matter what, and I was sad that they didn't. Maybe they'd be here now. So I can't say that to drink is to die. My perspective changed and their deaths enlivened my desire to stay sober and I had to admit to my inner most self that I was in fact an alcoholic, and if I didn't surrender to this disease, I may be one of those that would die so others could live. I was looking a gift horse in the mouth.

We forget how hard it is to get sober and stay that way. Myself, I quit a million times a day, but couldn't stay stopped. My alcoholism was arrested in time. There are those that is not the case. And forgive me in advance, but I do not believe it is "choice." I never asked to become an alcoholic, and despite self knowledge to the enth degree, was unable to stop on my own.

I suppose if I were to pick up a drink today that would be a choice, but by tomorrow that choice would be long gone because I am powerless over alcohol. That's as far as I can go with the choice factor. Alcoholism is a subtle foe no matter how neutral I have become with others and alcohol itself.

When I see someone that is in and out of recovery rooms, my heart goes out to them. There are such unfortunates, they seem to have been born that way is what I think. I try not to be discouraged, and I try not to be discouraging. I know what will happen, and I laugh when I hear people say the more they are here the less they know.

It ain't about knowing so much as it is about understanding, and that requires compassion. What would have happened to me had no one extended me enough compassion to want to travel this broad highway with me? You too.

I pray your friend rests in peace, and that others can find some gratitude in the price he had to pay so that you and I can stay sober today. And yes, his family needs our love, support, understanding, and compassion. It is a huge loss.

Blessings: Sioux

[thereishope]

Thankyou for sharing what your going through. I am very sorry to hear about your friend. Very sorry.
Sometimes its hard to know what to sat or do at times. Maybe when we feel likew we are being callous, we really arent. We put up our defences so we dont have to actually look at what it really makes us feel. But you did and i see you learned quite a bit and you post helped me as well.
I think in all walks of life at times no matter the situation we tend to thing "well if they wouldnt have done this or that then such and such wouldnt have happen.....untill someday we have to wear those shoes we just judged then we realize the deeper feelings and what someone has gone through.
Like that old saying dont ever judge anybody untill youve walked a mile in their shoes cause you never know. In other words....it is not for us to judge period.....that was a hard lesson of mine as well to learn and walk through at times.
All i know as long as we love, support, lend a helping hand, listen & care & pray for GODS guidence in any given situation then everything is going to be ok.
The greatest things are to love GOD with all of our hearts and to love our neighbor as ourselfs.
Just a few thoughts & i pray blessings, peace, comfort for all involved with this very somber time.

[Mycool]

My thoughts and heart to you. One of my best friends died in my arms of an overdose, this was many years ago when I was much younger. I'll never forget the horror or pain of it, its like it just happened. I'm dealing with that and other losses in my life. For years afterwards I dealt by numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol despite what happened. Now i deal with my issues through sobriety, therapy, spirituality and AA. Nothing will change what happened but what can change is how I react and deal with it.

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Whatever you do, don’t shut off your pain; accept your pain and remain vulnerable. However desperate you become, accept your pain as it is, because it is in fact trying to hand you a priceless gift: the chance of discovering, through spiritual practice, what lies behind sorrow.
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“Grief,” Rumi wrote, “can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.”-- Sogyal Rinpoche
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Namaste

[Craig A.]

Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, hope and caring enough to share. This friend was the first that I have known to die that has been close to me. I now understand the phrase don't judge no-one until you walked a mile in his/her shoes! Thank you and God Bless!

[flick]

So sad to read of your loss Craig, my heart and prayers go out to you.
As do my prayers for family and other friends of this person.:195::195:
Thank you for your open expression of sharing also.

God Bless.

[BIG AL]

Be honest with you I say that all the time.I dont know if its judging but a stating a fact.ypou drink you die.As for compasion that is your job he was your freind no matter what I say or anyone else says.And I fell you.Its tough to lose someone close to you.I had a freind who was sober about 22 yrs.He didnt die he quit going to meetings got crazy and was just sentencedd to 5 yrs in prison for molesting his step-daughters.I wont or ever have anything to do with this guy.I dont know how these stories are similiar other than peopel let us down.Maybe its becouse we shutter to think about that could be us.But for the grace of god there go I.I hope you have a good week i will pray for you.Maybe there is something for all to learn from his death.I use to hear people say some have to die so that otherrts can live.I always did think that was a crock of ^*().BE BLESSED<><

[skyhook]

Sorry for your loss Craig.

We live in such a desensitized world of instant information and access, that we begin repeating the blather we hear without thinking sometimes. Easy to read a paper or hear a story and say," this tragedy happened because of this or that", with no real basis for our shoot from the hip analysis of anothers life.

Totally different situation when it happens to be a friend or family member, that we loved unconditionally and thru intimate relationship were privlidged to know their "backstory"...their individual and unique existence that made them a part of us. Bigger than the surface "statistics" or "facts" that someone parrots like a sterile cnn reporter, reading off cue cards.

I have lost 3 good friends who were trying to recover from alcoholism. One died from a broken heart, one from rejection, and one from pride. This is the backstories that killed them...not the alcohol.

Some of you understand what I am saying...those who don't, never will.

Prayers to you and yours Craig.