Anger pisses me off

[skyhook]

One of my character defects is anger.

I've come a long way; it used to manifest with the classic rage thing,,,that is rare now. Typically its a pointed, turse, sarcastic remark, usually if I'm tired or hungry, or in a mood to end something quick. Any one who has known me any length of time has seen it happen.

I never was angry when I used. I lived on a "island" by myself.

So here I am, some 18 years clean, not living on an island...but still a slave to bouts of anger, and hurting those I love because of it. At least when I used, no one else got hurt by my anger.

Recovering from drugs has proven to be alot easier than recovering from me...

[Starlight]

Recovering from drugs has proven to be alot easier than recovering from me...
yes...I can so relate to that... when I started to strip away my vices & addictions, I was left to deal with the biggest project of my life...me.

I remember thinking back to when I was a small child... I used to wonder who I would be when I grew up... who that adult woman was going to be...what was she going to be like. This intrigued me...thinking about who that person was going to be... would they be married...would they have children...what thoughts would they be thinking as they lived their adult life? I think somehow I believed in an obscure sort of way that the child and the adult were separate from each other...that in some kind of way, it was like morphing from a caterpillar into a butterfly.
The part that I didn't grasp at the time, was that I was going to be the same little girl...only older...with more life experience.

I know my drug & alcohol years hindered my emotional growth in many ways, and one of the ways was how I dealt with my temper & anger.
When I drank, I was always on the defensive. It was me against the world, and god forbid if anybody tried to offer their opinion or question how I live my life. The fortress I had built to protect my distorted ego was well-guarded & on high alert 24/7. I took everything personally.... everything seemed to get twisted into being 'about me'. In the attempt to protect myself, I had created my own miserable world... full of bitterness & anger...blaming others for my unhappiness & discontent.

I've changed a lot since I started on my recovery journey... and I know that these positive changes I have witnessed so far, are only the beginning. :)
I've had to learn how to deal with my feelings & emotions without hiding behind the mask of alcohol... not an easy thing to do when this has been my primary coping mechanism since I was a teenager. If nothing else, 'having too much to drink' could always be used as the excuse for any outrageous remarks or behaviour. I think one of the things I was most scared about in becoming sober, is that I would be totally accountable for my own actions....there was now nowhere else to place the blame. Not a pleasant thought when your whole life seems to have been out of control... and in the harsh light of reality and you have to look at who was singularly responsible for the carnage left along one's pathway.

What once frightened me the most about being sober, is now what I cherish and feel so blessed to be able to experience. :)
I cannot change the past nor would I want to. It was a lesson I needed to learn..it is an integral part of the prerequisite to my spiritual growth that is now opening up to me... I truly believe that.
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Instead of anger
let me feel
compassion.

Instead of rage
let me show
concern.

Instead of hate
let me seek
change.

For, if
to a warring, wondering world
each of us will bring

compassion
concern
change,

then perhaps there will be

Love.

~author unknown
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[Mycool]

Live in Joy

Live in Joy, In love,
Even among those who hate.

Live in joy, In health,
Even among the afflicted.

Live in joy, In peace,
Even among the troubled.

Look within. Be still.
Free from fear and attachment,
Know the sweet joy of living in the way.

There is no fire like greed,
No crime like hatred,
No sorrow like separation,
No sickness like hunger of heart,
And no joy like the joy of freedom.

Health, contentment and trust
Are your greatest possessions,
And freedom your greatest joy.

Look within. Be still.
Free from fear and attachment,
Know the sweet joy of living in the way.-- from the Dhammapada
__________________________________________________ ____________________

[JohnDaniels]

I like the opening "Anger pisses me off". I like that statement because it's also a true statement in my own life.

Many of the things I feel so much anger over are often things I have no control over. Anger can be dangerous for a guy like me, so it's important for me to understand my anger.

One day in particular, driving down the street I snapped out on another driver in traffic. I had fingers flying and allot of yelling over something that really wasn't that big of a deal. An inventory of that display of anger revealed something I'd like to share here:

Backing up a bit here. A few weeks prior to that traffic incident, 2 members of my family committed suicide within a 2 day period. When I heard the news I was going through treatment for cancer. The news of the 2 suicides of my siblings didn't surprise me any. In fact I expected it. I didn't shed any tears nor did I show any saddness at all. I even wondered why I hadn't shed any tears.

Many years prior to the news of the suicides, I had already cut that part of the family loose. I had spent years of my life helping them and getting them out of scrapes and back on their feet, only to be kicked in the teeth every time. I can't count the number of times I had inteveined in their suicide attempts. Helping them was something that began when I was in my mid teens and it turned into part of who I was. I got past it later in life.

As I said, when I got the news I never felt any saddness over any of the news of the suicides. However, a few weeks later snapping out in traffic the way I did was something that's generally uncharacteristic of me.

In traffic that day it hit me that the anger I felt and displayed in traffic was over the suicides of my siblings. I gave a call to a good friend who helped me figure it out in a way that worked for me.

I told my friend the story and how it began back when I was in my mid teens. I told him how I had invested so much of myself into them and how I basically carried them along for so many years. He pointed out the one very important word in my sentence "invested".

He then explained to me in a way I could understand and appreciate that the emotion of "anger" has to be a Godly emotion. We worked through the whole thing together. I realized the many God given emotions I feel including anger, are some of the ways God is living Himself out through my own life. The anger I felt due to the personal "investment" I had in my siblings and the way they showed their appreciation or lack of appeciation was what my anger stemmed from. My peace of mind came in forgiving and asking for forgiveness.


One of my character defects is anger.

I've come a long way; it used to manifest with the classic rage thing,,,that is rare now. Typically its a pointed, turse, sarcastic remark, usually if I'm tired or hungry, or in a mood to end something quick. Any one who has known me any length of time has seen it happen.

I never was angry when I used. I lived on a "island" by myself.

So here I am, some 18 years clean, not living on an island...but still a slave to bouts of anger, and hurting those I love because of it. At least when I used, no one else got hurt by my anger.

Recovering from drugs has proven to be alot easier than recovering from me...

[sioux]

I don't see anger as a character defect, but what we do with it or how we manage it can be a problem, like becoming enraged. What I have learned to do with that anger that is mounting to a boiling point is what is recommended in Step 10...I call someone and talk about it immediately. Usually my sponsor or a trusted friend that knows me well and can talk me down enough to be productive.

[robbielynne]

Anger is one of my issues..I am angry that I lost a sister when she was only 18 yrs old and left behind a 6 month old son...24 yrs later and I am still dealing with it..I am angry that I thought it was my fault for being sexually abused by a cousin when I was only 11 yrs old...It is a driving force that has led me down a road that I don't like...I am new here and just starting my recovery...I am a drug addict...pills are my choice...I am really pissed off at my self for my actions and behavior...it is no one's fault but my own...I hope this is a turning point for me in life..
Warm Regards,
Robbielynne

[Craig A.]

Anger is one of my big defects also but today it is more towards me than anybody else! Alot of good comments thank you all for sharing your experience, strength, and hope!
I liked Starlights quote "In the attempt to protect myself, I had created my own miserable world... full of bitterness & anger...blaming others for my unhappiness & discontent." These were all coping/survival skills I had used to live by, today I still try to pick them up and use them but when I do I try to stop, put the tool down, examine what made me pick it up, then ask God for forgiveness! What I find about myself is that anger is like the car that we ride/drive in and FEAR is the engine which moves the car! It is the fear of not getting something I want or think I NEED, fear of losing something or being found out! I realize today when I stay in anger I am hurting myself tremendously; even if I hurt someone else, once I realize what I have done I will beat myself up for hurting others as well as what originally set me off! Today the faster I talk to someone about and work through the anger ( see where it is coming from ) and not run to stuff it down cause I don't want to feel it, I will have healthier tools to deal with it. If I keep stuffing it down it will always come back up in a skewed way depression, anxiety, hatred, judgements, or just plain self-pity! Someone ehared with me that depression is anger turned sideways attacking me. Whatever reason I have for anger I try to stay close to God and ask for His loving grace and forgiveness; this is what all this is about, forgiving myself, if I truly learn how to forgive myself I will not keep doing these shameful things to myself! Once I see where it comes from I need to heal/forgive and grow/love/compassion, if there is no healing why then do we need to see it or bother to try. I hoped this helped and God bless you on your journey!!!

[Rockin Big Daddy]

Anger and Me

Anger is a form of fear
Anger is what I’m waiting to hear
Anger is deep down inside me
Anger drives me crazy
Anger is what turns me on
Anger is what turns me off
Anger is my enemy
Anger is my pal
Anger is gonna kill me
Anger is gonna save me
Anger might just help me
Find my true love.............
..........................Maybe?