eeyoree
07-07-2009, 02:23 PM
Well, I come here in desperate need of help. Not sure how I ended up here. I'm sure you all have heard that before... I'm going to try to keep this brief, but feel free to ask questions/clarifications.
I am 27 Y.O... married 4 years to my hubby (28 Y.O.). We have no children, and have had a rocky marriage since the beginning.
Prior to us getting married, we lived together and hubby had a job that took him out of town Sunday evening thru Friday evening. He was home less than 48 hours per week- this put a tremendous strain on our relationship. I felt as if I was home taking care of all the responsibilities, while he was out on the town (whichever one he happened to be in) with his co-workers partying it up. He often was-- and wouldn't bother to call or return my calls.
This went on for 2 years. I now have reason to suspect that he cheated on me at least twice during this time period (this was while we were engaged for a year, and then for the first year of our marriage). I don't have proof, and all of this occurred 4 years ago. He hasn't outright admitted it, but has hedged around it. He vacillates between total denial of it and "somewhat" admission- but has never gave me a direct answer to this day.
After the first year of our marriage (July 2006), I began an emotional affair with a co-worker of mine. It turned into a physical affair- once (although no actual intercourse). I continued the emotional affair after that point though.
In October of 2006, after discovering several lies that my husband had told me about things (he had bought a car without even so much as telling me... just showed up in our driveway... lied about a strip club, etc...) I moved out of the house. Honestly, it was also driven by the emotional affair too. I can't deny that that had a factor in it. Prior to actually moving out of the house, I had also caught hubby perusing online personal ads. He also posted an online ad, unbeknownst to me.
After moving out of the house, hubby maintained he wanted to "fight" for our marriage. But he posted himself as single an online dating site, met a girl across teh country, and flew across the country to see her and take her out on a weekend long date (fancy restaurants, foot rubs, etc. Although they both claim they never even kissed. I dunno.) I thought he was out of town for work. He proceeded to talk to her every single day for a month, send her flowers, and sappy emails/texts, etc.
I caught it via phone records. He called her and ended it in December 2006- although contacted her one more time in February of 2007.
Through all of this, I continued my EA, and was still out of the house, although would frequently go home and spend nights at home, etc. Hubby drank a lot during this time period. I also caught him lying to me about a few other things also (where he was, etc). Although claims he was "fighting for our marriage". Hubby was understandably very distraught over my continued contact with OM.
I moved home in June 2007, after ~8 months of living in my own apartment. The OM continued to contact me, so in September 2007 I changed my phone number. I had repeatedly asked him to leave me alone (although hubby doesn't believe this), but he wouldn't. So I changed my phone number.
Shortly after my committing to the marriage again, hubby became very angry and abusive. He would scream things at me, calling me a WH*RE, etc. I figured he was angry because of the affair. I tried to be understanding and send the message that I was there for him and wanted to work through things. I was on a message board (Marriagebuilders), dealing with infidelity at that time point.
Fast forward 2 years... to now. Nothing has changed much. Hubby has melt downs where he screams and yells and blames everything on me frequently. Hasn't forgiven me. Says he can't. Although sometimes can be a very sweet, loving husband. We can go for weeks with things being alright, then he'll just lose it out of the blue.
This happens to be one of those weeks. This weekend was a good weekend. Yesterday he woke up with his panties in a bundle... apparently because this is the week that my affair started three years ago. Last night he went to the bar after work, then came home and continued to drink more. He ignored me altogether, and squashed himself on his side of the bed so as not to come anywhere near me. Today informs me he doesn't want to come home today because "I disgust him" and he "wants to be no where near me" and "I deserve this" and "I caused this, and its all my fault". He said he "wants to hurt me, and that it is my fault".
I understand that my affair hurt him, but these dynamics are dynamics that existed prior to the affair also. Maybe not THIS bad, but they definitely existed. And he seems to think all of this is justified behavior because "he's upset".
We've done no counseling-- he refuses. He says he's "tried everything" to make this work. But yet, every time he gets upset, this is what happens. He blows up at me, says really mean things. And then in a day or two he'll get over it and be extra nice for a few days to "make up for it". I realize this is an abusive pattern.
I let this occur for the past two years thinking he was still in pain from my affair, but at this point, I really can't reconcile his current behavior. I have been entirely transparent in my actions, he can check up on me/check my email, etc whenever he pleases (I have no access to his, although have hacked it a few times to check up on him). I have no contact with the other man, whatsoever and haven't in 2 years. He doesn't work with me anymore (although is still in the same city). I have worked my tail off to show I am trustworthy and want to fight for the marriage.
Today he is having a major melt down and said he isn't coming home at all, blah blah blah.
I need help with setting boundaries with him. He can be a wonderful man... but at the same time has this dark side that is unacceptable. Please help me know what to say to him when he acts this way. I know it isn't all my fault... and I'm working my hardest to save this marriage, but it seems he just sabotages it and then blames the whole thing on me.
Thanks,
E.
I am 27 Y.O... married 4 years to my hubby (28 Y.O.). We have no children, and have had a rocky marriage since the beginning.
Prior to us getting married, we lived together and hubby had a job that took him out of town Sunday evening thru Friday evening. He was home less than 48 hours per week- this put a tremendous strain on our relationship. I felt as if I was home taking care of all the responsibilities, while he was out on the town (whichever one he happened to be in) with his co-workers partying it up. He often was-- and wouldn't bother to call or return my calls.
This went on for 2 years. I now have reason to suspect that he cheated on me at least twice during this time period (this was while we were engaged for a year, and then for the first year of our marriage). I don't have proof, and all of this occurred 4 years ago. He hasn't outright admitted it, but has hedged around it. He vacillates between total denial of it and "somewhat" admission- but has never gave me a direct answer to this day.
After the first year of our marriage (July 2006), I began an emotional affair with a co-worker of mine. It turned into a physical affair- once (although no actual intercourse). I continued the emotional affair after that point though.
In October of 2006, after discovering several lies that my husband had told me about things (he had bought a car without even so much as telling me... just showed up in our driveway... lied about a strip club, etc...) I moved out of the house. Honestly, it was also driven by the emotional affair too. I can't deny that that had a factor in it. Prior to actually moving out of the house, I had also caught hubby perusing online personal ads. He also posted an online ad, unbeknownst to me.
After moving out of the house, hubby maintained he wanted to "fight" for our marriage. But he posted himself as single an online dating site, met a girl across teh country, and flew across the country to see her and take her out on a weekend long date (fancy restaurants, foot rubs, etc. Although they both claim they never even kissed. I dunno.) I thought he was out of town for work. He proceeded to talk to her every single day for a month, send her flowers, and sappy emails/texts, etc.
I caught it via phone records. He called her and ended it in December 2006- although contacted her one more time in February of 2007.
Through all of this, I continued my EA, and was still out of the house, although would frequently go home and spend nights at home, etc. Hubby drank a lot during this time period. I also caught him lying to me about a few other things also (where he was, etc). Although claims he was "fighting for our marriage". Hubby was understandably very distraught over my continued contact with OM.
I moved home in June 2007, after ~8 months of living in my own apartment. The OM continued to contact me, so in September 2007 I changed my phone number. I had repeatedly asked him to leave me alone (although hubby doesn't believe this), but he wouldn't. So I changed my phone number.
Shortly after my committing to the marriage again, hubby became very angry and abusive. He would scream things at me, calling me a WH*RE, etc. I figured he was angry because of the affair. I tried to be understanding and send the message that I was there for him and wanted to work through things. I was on a message board (Marriagebuilders), dealing with infidelity at that time point.
Fast forward 2 years... to now. Nothing has changed much. Hubby has melt downs where he screams and yells and blames everything on me frequently. Hasn't forgiven me. Says he can't. Although sometimes can be a very sweet, loving husband. We can go for weeks with things being alright, then he'll just lose it out of the blue.
This happens to be one of those weeks. This weekend was a good weekend. Yesterday he woke up with his panties in a bundle... apparently because this is the week that my affair started three years ago. Last night he went to the bar after work, then came home and continued to drink more. He ignored me altogether, and squashed himself on his side of the bed so as not to come anywhere near me. Today informs me he doesn't want to come home today because "I disgust him" and he "wants to be no where near me" and "I deserve this" and "I caused this, and its all my fault". He said he "wants to hurt me, and that it is my fault".
I understand that my affair hurt him, but these dynamics are dynamics that existed prior to the affair also. Maybe not THIS bad, but they definitely existed. And he seems to think all of this is justified behavior because "he's upset".
We've done no counseling-- he refuses. He says he's "tried everything" to make this work. But yet, every time he gets upset, this is what happens. He blows up at me, says really mean things. And then in a day or two he'll get over it and be extra nice for a few days to "make up for it". I realize this is an abusive pattern.
I let this occur for the past two years thinking he was still in pain from my affair, but at this point, I really can't reconcile his current behavior. I have been entirely transparent in my actions, he can check up on me/check my email, etc whenever he pleases (I have no access to his, although have hacked it a few times to check up on him). I have no contact with the other man, whatsoever and haven't in 2 years. He doesn't work with me anymore (although is still in the same city). I have worked my tail off to show I am trustworthy and want to fight for the marriage.
Today he is having a major melt down and said he isn't coming home at all, blah blah blah.
I need help with setting boundaries with him. He can be a wonderful man... but at the same time has this dark side that is unacceptable. Please help me know what to say to him when he acts this way. I know it isn't all my fault... and I'm working my hardest to save this marriage, but it seems he just sabotages it and then blames the whole thing on me.
Thanks,
E.