MichelleW
07-22-2009, 05:52 AM
Hi. It's been awhile since I posted. I haven't been going too bad though, for the past six weeks. Well, three weeks ago I had four standard drinks one day, but I managed to stop at that. Other than that, there's been no drinking.
I caught a cold a few weeks ago. What surprised me is that I was able to have cough medicine around the house with alcohol in it but not feel like drinking a whole bottle, because in the past I've drunk cough medicine, mouthwash, even worse than that, when desperate. I actually didn't think about the alcohol content until after I'd bought it, and was a bit worried that maybe it'd 'trigger' me, but fortunately it didn't.
Actually, I feel very positive. I've changed my anti-depressant medication and that seems to have helped a bit. Also, I started on the birth control pill to counter my PMS (which seemed to intensify my cravings for alcohol a great deal every month).
So hopefully things are looking up. This is by far the best I've managed to do this year.
I went to a few more AA meetings in the city but don't think it is really feasible for me to continue. I am still making use of online meetings and AA literature though (a friend overseas sent me a few AA books as a very kind gift!) I also ordered a book called 'Staying Sober' by Terence Gorski and that's been very helpful for me, in becoming more aware of my own relapse process and how to break the cycle.
I'm still occasionally having problems managing feelings that have been previously numbed through drinking though - at times I seem to have a tremendous amount of anger. I was with my family on Monday and suddenly had an outburst. They kind of let me vent and did not make a big deal out of it, but I didn't feel really great about it afterwards.
I have tried to explain some of what I am going through with my mother, and she tries to understand, but I think it is very hard for her to relate to. While my father was a very heavy drinker at one point, she's the sort of person who when she goes out orders just a little light beer and drinks only half of it. It just doesn't appeal to her much. Now that I find hard to relate to!
I'd say about 90% of the time I'm fine. But I also seem to have a side to me which can be frankly quite dark, pessimistic, very short on patience etc (I have also been diagnosed with mild bipolar). I've realised I can be very self-centered and tend to think that the whole world revolves around me, me, me all the time. If I can't get something my own way... I get very frustrated and can throw a petulant fit.
These days though, when I begin feeling overwhelmed, instead of heading straight to the bar I tend to just want to hide under the quilts for a few hours. That's what I do. Maybe it's only avoiding or deferring dealing with what's at hand but I suppose it must be preferable to doing the alternative.
Well, that's the update. Sorry I haven't been in touch, I was just starting to get very demoralized after struggling for so much of this year. To anyone else who may be in the same situation though - keep trying, it does get easier, and there are increasing intervals of time between the difficult days, which really do make it all worthwhile. I know I can't ever be complacent though, I'm by no means 'cured', and I know there is still a long way for me to go...
I caught a cold a few weeks ago. What surprised me is that I was able to have cough medicine around the house with alcohol in it but not feel like drinking a whole bottle, because in the past I've drunk cough medicine, mouthwash, even worse than that, when desperate. I actually didn't think about the alcohol content until after I'd bought it, and was a bit worried that maybe it'd 'trigger' me, but fortunately it didn't.
Actually, I feel very positive. I've changed my anti-depressant medication and that seems to have helped a bit. Also, I started on the birth control pill to counter my PMS (which seemed to intensify my cravings for alcohol a great deal every month).
So hopefully things are looking up. This is by far the best I've managed to do this year.
I went to a few more AA meetings in the city but don't think it is really feasible for me to continue. I am still making use of online meetings and AA literature though (a friend overseas sent me a few AA books as a very kind gift!) I also ordered a book called 'Staying Sober' by Terence Gorski and that's been very helpful for me, in becoming more aware of my own relapse process and how to break the cycle.
I'm still occasionally having problems managing feelings that have been previously numbed through drinking though - at times I seem to have a tremendous amount of anger. I was with my family on Monday and suddenly had an outburst. They kind of let me vent and did not make a big deal out of it, but I didn't feel really great about it afterwards.
I have tried to explain some of what I am going through with my mother, and she tries to understand, but I think it is very hard for her to relate to. While my father was a very heavy drinker at one point, she's the sort of person who when she goes out orders just a little light beer and drinks only half of it. It just doesn't appeal to her much. Now that I find hard to relate to!
I'd say about 90% of the time I'm fine. But I also seem to have a side to me which can be frankly quite dark, pessimistic, very short on patience etc (I have also been diagnosed with mild bipolar). I've realised I can be very self-centered and tend to think that the whole world revolves around me, me, me all the time. If I can't get something my own way... I get very frustrated and can throw a petulant fit.
These days though, when I begin feeling overwhelmed, instead of heading straight to the bar I tend to just want to hide under the quilts for a few hours. That's what I do. Maybe it's only avoiding or deferring dealing with what's at hand but I suppose it must be preferable to doing the alternative.
Well, that's the update. Sorry I haven't been in touch, I was just starting to get very demoralized after struggling for so much of this year. To anyone else who may be in the same situation though - keep trying, it does get easier, and there are increasing intervals of time between the difficult days, which really do make it all worthwhile. I know I can't ever be complacent though, I'm by no means 'cured', and I know there is still a long way for me to go...