Using Step One

[sayler.jane]

Hi Mike,
I have a problem that I beleive needs the 1st step, but I'm not sure how to work it. I've downloaded the step worksheet, but I'm not sure how to apply it to my problem. Maybe the 1st step doesn't fit my problem, but I'm pretty sure it does.
Here's the problem, I'm very attracted to someone and they just got back with thier partner, but they haven't been sexual yet. I have made my feelings known, and they can't decided. I have been flirting and wanting to take things farther, but it's not right and I know it, but I can't seem to stop myself. I seem to be powerless over this situation, no matter how hard I try, I still continue to go against my new principles I have for life. I need to work a step to bring some control back, and live by my principles, mainly do no harm to others.
I'm off to work now, I'll check in later today.
Thanks, any advise on how to apply a step will be greatly appreciated.
Jane

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Hi Jane,

Thanks for your note.

If all you have is a hammer, then every problem starts looking like a nail.

Your first step is to be clear about what the problem is. The more clearly you can define the problem, the better you can assess your various ways of solving it.

To begin, see if you can define the problem in a single sentence.

Here's a clue: Needs are more important than wants.

To figure out what you want, simply say "What would I like to have?"
To figure out what you need, say "What would I like to have DONE?"

:1:

[sayler.jane]

So your saying I need to focus on who I want to be and not the bad behavior. I want to be considerate of anothers feelings. I need to not act on my attraction.
Is that it? Just that simple. So when I am about to do something I know is wrong tell myself what I really want and need. With practice that should change old behavior?

[alcoholrehabcoach]

...So when I am about to do something I know is wrong tell myself what I really want and need. With practice that should change old behavior?

You got it! Excellent!

The only thing I would add is to make sure you actually pause and give your feelings the consideration they deserve. That DOES NOT mean you have to act on your feelings. It just means you are trusting yourself enough to puts things on the table, to have an honest look, and to assess what you can do. There are countless ways to get our needs fulfilled. It's just that some are a whole lot healthier than others!

Remember that being responsible means being able to respond in a way that serves your purpose.

Just like you have done by coming to this forum, and gathering information to help you to respond to your current situation.

Well done.

[Rockin Big Daddy]

Step One

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

-Write down 10 things about yourself that are unmanageable today.

EXAMPLES:
Feeling like a victim
Nobody understands me
Why me?
Lashing out at others
Alibis, excuses, rationalizing behavior
Resentments, grudges
Blaming others to make yourself look better
Playing God
Forcing your will on others
Commanding/demanding others do it your way
Ranting/raving/cursing/threatening
Passing judgment
Manipulating/lying to get your way
Over reacting to petty things
Rebelling against authority
Whining/pleading to get out of trouble
Taunting/teasing with little regard for others’ feelings
Ignoring others’ feelings and needs
Pouting/sulking/brooding-silent treatment
Rudeness
Showing off
Preoccupied with winning
Demanding attention and special treatment-“needy”
Irresponsibility-bills, chores, employment, nurturing others
Lying/stealing/cheating/bragging
Looking for pity
Extra-marital affairs
Beating up on yourself/acting hopeless
Apologizing only to ease guilty conscience or to get out of trouble


-How do these things affect your spiritual life?

-Practice rigorous honesty (to others and self) all week and acceptance of your powerlessness over PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS!

After reading Step 1 in the 12&12 and Chapters 2&3 in the Big Book:


1) What does it mean to “admit” something?


2) Why do you think this step says: “We admitted” rather than “I admitted”?


3) What does the term “Powerless over alcohol” mean?


4) What does the term “our lives had become unmanageable” mean?
TO DO:


1) Make a list of specific example(s) of your powerlessness over alcohol.

2) Make a list of specific example(s) of how your life has become unmanageable.


In the Big Book it devotes two entire chapters to Step One. The First Step is so basic to recovery that the 12 & 12 says it’s the only step that we can practice with “absolute perfection”. Step One is an admission of the central problem we face as alcoholics, our powerlessness over alcohol and the unmanageable of life that has resulted. Once we can admit our powerlessness, a door opens to the solution to our problem. As long as we deny our powerlessness, however, our problem cannot be solved.

Step One is the only Step that mentions alcohol and our problem with it. *Powerlessness* Beginning with Step Two, the next eleven Steps describe a series of actions to solve that problem, and that the other eleven Steps focus on its solution---not in the problem.

The Meaning of Powerlessness
“We alcoholics are men and women who have lost t he ability to control our drinking,” says the AA Big Book. (pg.30) the First Step is about admitting defeat in our battle with alcohol. But Step One is not merely an intellectual admission of powerlessness. It is an emotional acceptance of our powerlessness made at the gut level. It is surrender, and in the early day of AA, the Step was taken on one’s knees. The AA Twelve and Twelve refers to this acceptance of powerlessness and unmanageability as an experience of “utter defeat,” “bankruptcy,” “hopelessness” and “hitting bottom.” As the AA Big Book says, “We learned that we had to fully concede {admit} to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery” B.B. Pg.30.

Why must the experience of the First Step be so painful, so devastating, so complete? Because, as the AA twelve and twelve tells us,

…Few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. Program unless they have hit bottom… Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who want to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who care anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t c are for this prospect---unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself. 12&12 pg.24