How do I start?

[catsum]

What is the first step to recovering from this? I realize that I need to change some things, but it is SO hard. For the time being, I am without my husband, who has been my best friend and support. I don't know where to start beyond reading the book my counselor gave me. I've looked into CODA meetings in my area, and that is a possibility. But in the meantime, what do I need to do?

[Chewi]

Keep reading that book and take note of suggestion for things you can change in your life that will help YOU get better. Share here and look around and read. Ask questions. Meetings are great because people who have stood in your shoes before you will have suggestions on what is working for them. Keep coming back!

[catsum]

Thanks, Chewi (cute "babies" BTW). My husband has some issues that he needs to work through as well, and for the time being, it's best that we be apart, even though it is killing me. I need to be healthy and so does he, before we can be a couple again.
I know I need to be in a meeting, it's just very scary to think about. I've been this way for as long as I can remember, and while I know that I need to change my way of thinking, it's terrifying. Any suggestions on getting past that fear of change? :2:

[Chewi]

One day at a time; one step at a time. The good thing about 12 step programs is that they actually give you some exercises and actions to take and you can learn about these by going to meetings and reading the literature. I am actually in AA myself, though I have the other issues as well--I just focus on the AA to stay sober. But the change, the fear in the beginning, the anger, other emotions; we all pretty much have to deal with those. Your counselor should have some suggestions, too.

Do you pray, meditate? Daily spiritual work is key. The Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the ability to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

You have taken the courageous first step in admitting you need and want to change. Now you need to continue to learn and listen to others so you can follow what works for them. You can't get ahead of yourself and you can't do it all at once. In AA we say that we aim for spiritual progress not perfection.

I hope you find the help and support you need on your journey!

[catsum]

Thanks again. Yes, I do pray...daily. I am trying to convince my heart that I can't change my current situation, I can't "fix" it, it is out of my hands. I have given it over to God to fix as He sees fit, but that doesn't stop my heart from wanting what it wants. Unfortunately, given my current circumstances, what I want really doesn't matter so it's hard to not apply that to the rest of my life. My feelings are continually being ignored and stepped on, so the victim mentality is rampant right now. I just don't see how my mental health and my situation are going to co-exist and leave me healthy. I was co-dependent before this mess occured, and what is happening is just fueling that co-dependency fire. What am I supposed to do when the problem needs to be resolved before recovery can begin but recovery needs to begin so the problem doesn't drive me to the psych ward? :23:

[Chewi]

FEAR = Future Events Aren't Real.

Does the book you are reading offer any suggestions for action to take? Has your counselor offered any suggestions? Follow this advice.

Since you pray, take some quiet time and listen for what God is telling you to do.

Try the CODA meetings. The best support and advice comes from those who have been in our shoes. You can speak to people more about the specifics of your problems.

Listen to your heart and your gut -- I think you may have an idea of where to start, but you are still afraid to take that step.

Take baby steps -- try to stop banging your head off the wall and start with small steps that help you feel you are moving forward. We recover, we don't get cured. We have to start a spiritual journey that takes daily action.

God bless!

[catsum]

I contacted the head of a local CODA chapter about attending meetings, so that's a start, I suppose. I've been praying that God take away my fear and my need to control this situation since I can't fix it. It seems to be helping and I have an odd sense of peace.
I haven't officially started work on the co-dependency with my counselor, yet, as I said, I was seeing her for another matter. I'm reading the book and it's giving me some insight.